I'm not expecting any one to reply - I have just come in here to get something off my chest and if anyone happens by, then that's fine.
I haven't been on here for a while. To be honest I have kind of shut myself down recently. I want to join in and take part but I am really struggling with enjoying the forum and Michael at the moment.
One year in and I am now realising this situation is permanent. I can honestly say I have never cried more for anyone in my life. I can't explain it and nor do I want to. I cannot possibly tell my family exactly how I feel as they would surely have me committed. I am an adult with kids of my own -I shouldn't be like this. But I am. And I can only share how I feel with certain people and on here.
I wonder if I can ever enjoy the music again? I have moments where I am able to forget but that awful sinking feeling when you remember what's happened is sometimes so overwhelming I can't stand it.
Michael has been part of my life for so long - it's been like losing a companion. I am still in disbelief. Sometimes I feel like my life will never go back to normal and I just want to cry constantly. How do we deal with all of this? I am a logical, rational, organised and sensible adult - except with this.
If I feel this bad how much worse must it be for his family?
Am I normal? I don't think I am sometimes. My workmates think I am eccentric with all this stuff as it is - if they realised I come on to a forum and post stuff like this I'm sure they would all be shocked.
My apologies for rambling - I just needed to get it off my chest. I just feel so deeply sad at the moment. Its all too much of an effort.
I am dreading 25 June - not sure if I want to be on my own or with other fans. I do come and join in events but often feel alone in a crowd. That makes me more lonely and more sad. I want to belong and join in but I end up feeling desperately unhappy.
Michael - if there was any hope of you ever reading this, I have lost a major part of my life and I miss you more than I ever thought possible