Struggling...

[Dianelesley]

I'm not expecting any one to reply - I have just come in here to get something off my chest and if anyone happens by, then that's fine.

I haven't been on here for a while. To be honest I have kind of shut myself down recently. I want to join in and take part but I am really struggling with enjoying the forum and Michael at the moment.

One year in and I am now realising this situation is permanent. I can honestly say I have never cried more for anyone in my life. I can't explain it and nor do I want to. I cannot possibly tell my family exactly how I feel as they would surely have me committed. I am an adult with kids of my own -I shouldn't be like this. But I am. And I can only share how I feel with certain people and on here.

I wonder if I can ever enjoy the music again? I have moments where I am able to forget but that awful sinking feeling when you remember what's happened is sometimes so overwhelming I can't stand it.

Michael has been part of my life for so long - it's been like losing a companion. I am still in disbelief. Sometimes I feel like my life will never go back to normal and I just want to cry constantly. How do we deal with all of this? I am a logical, rational, organised and sensible adult - except with this.

If I feel this bad how much worse must it be for his family?

Am I normal? I don't think I am sometimes. My workmates think I am eccentric with all this stuff as it is - if they realised I come on to a forum and post stuff like this I'm sure they would all be shocked.

My apologies for rambling - I just needed to get it off my chest. I just feel so deeply sad at the moment. Its all too much of an effort.

I am dreading 25 June - not sure if I want to be on my own or with other fans. I do come and join in events but often feel alone in a crowd. That makes me more lonely and more sad. I want to belong and join in but I end up feeling desperately unhappy.

Michael - if there was any hope of you ever reading this, I have lost a major part of my life and I miss you more than I ever thought possible

[xthunderx2]

Just let me say..yes you are normal....

[TarinJade]

I teared up a bit after I read this.

I'm having the same difficulties as you are right now. We're already coming up on a year, and the feelings and emotions from that day are beginning to come back to the surface for me. I associate his death with summertime, naturally, and with the leaves back on the trees, warmer weather, etc, I'm starting to remember again.

I'm totally up in the air regarding June 25th of this year. I really don't want to be alone, but I don't know that I'm up to participating in a large gathering on that day either. Unfortunately, due to my location I'm rather limited in where I can go and what I can do on that day.

I hate having to keep my feelings quiet, but I feel incredibly uncomfortable with the thought of talking to anyone outside of this forum about my sadness over this. I feel as though I cannot possibly explain why my heart aches. There are so many factors involved that the thought of having to talk about it is overwhelming to me. The only person that I have even remotely shared any of this with is my mom, but I can't expect her to listen to me indefinitely, and I don't want her to worry about me.

I have hardly listened to Michael at all lately, and rarely do I watch him. It just isn't the same for me right now. Going to see TII at the cinema for two hours was the longest period of time that I watched him in anything since June 25th. I watched parts of the movie on DVD and then put it away. Some DVDs I haven't seen since before June 25th. I'll occasionally download something on here and then stash it away to watch when I'm ready. Some songs haven't been listened to since before that day. And perhaps, they won't be again or for a very long time. It's really frustrating for me though, because I want to watch him, I want to really listen to him, but it's hard!

The main point I want to make here is, you are normal. There are so many other fans who feel the same way. In the past 11 months, I've read so many thoughts and comments that reflect exactly how I feel and what you've said. These are people from all over the world, and from all ages. That gives me comfort and reassurance that I am not alone, and that there is nothing wrong with me. I hope it does for you as well.

[MJsBollywoodGirl7]

You sounded like me as I was reading your post. I am 30 years old and I am definitely suffering from clinical depression over what happen. Except that my depression has gotten worst. Every single day ever since that horrible day. I have been faithfully listening to Michael and on most days watching him. Mainly the Oprah Interview is what I usually loved to watch. But now I can not handle doing that anymore. I have not been able to really watch him in about 2 months or so now. And I just miss watching him so extremely much. And I can only handle listening to maybe at the most just 3 songs of his in a single day. Mostly is just the extended version of Who Is It is what I mostly just listen to now. Back in December I really did thought I was doing better. But it wasn't until the new year had started was when I started to go back to how I felt when I had first heard the horrible news. But now it has gotten to a point for where I can't even go to bed in my own room now. Only because my bedroom is a shrine to Michael. I have 8 posters of Michael up on my walls and doors. 2 of my MJ posters are framed. I have a MJ comforter and 2 matching pillow cases and 2 MJ pillow cases that I had made on my bed. And on my nightstand I keep my Michael Jackson doll as well as my Opus book on there. I now sleep on the rec room sofa at nights now. Because it just really hurts now of going in to that room and seeing those posters. Especially my framed This Is It poster. It just really makes me think of what could have been. But the one thing I still have been faithfully doing is wear my Michael Jackson t-shirts and my 3 Michael Jackson necklaces. Which I almost never take off. So yes just like the others have said it is normal for you to feel this way. My heart is still broken over what happen. And it will be forever. I am still crying over him on most days. I will never know what happiness and joy is ever again. Since Michael was my joy and happiness. My life has forever change for me on that horrible day. And I will never be able to go back to the way I used to be. Especially since I have been a fan of Michael's since the early 80s.

[Dianelesley]

Thank you for your support and normalising how I feel. Sometimes I feel silly and old enough to know better! But hey..I don't and that's that. I am pleased I can come on here and say how I feel - Lord knows its the only place I can do it. I do have people from here that I can talk to and I am grateful for that but you know sometimes it just overwhelms you.

I can identify with all that you have all said and I do take comfort in that.

Thanks again for making me feel that I am not a freak!

Much love. xx

[Hocus]

Aww...girl, I know exactly how you feel!
Sometimes it feels to me like I'm going crazy. I'm having all the symptoms of a depression.
The pain is just too much sometimes...
Let's all hold hands together, we'll get through this together somehow!
Diana xx

[Dianelesley]

Thanks diane xxx that means a lot xx

[TarinJade]

Thank you for your support and normalising how I feel. Sometimes I feel silly and old enough to know better! But hey..I don't and that's that. I am pleased I can come on here and say how I feel - Lord knows its the only place I can do it. I do have people from here that I can talk to and I am grateful for that but you know sometimes it just overwhelms you.

I can identify with all that you have all said and I do take comfort in that.

Thanks again for making me feel that I am not a freak!

Much love. xx

Of course you're not. It's just a very complicated and overwhelming thing. There are mornings when I wake up and all I want to do is just cry out "WHY????" It's going to take me some time still to come to terms with this and I'm grateful to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

This is why, in my opinion, it is absolutely vital that we always have MJJC and other fanclubs to turn to, for years to come. I consider this place a sort of sanctuary.

[Dianelesley]

Of course you're not. It's just a very complicated and overwhelming thing. There are mornings when I wake up and all I want to do is just cry out "WHY????" It's going to take me some time still to come to terms with this and I'm grateful to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

This is why, in my opinion, it is absolutely vital that we always have MJJC and other fanclubs to turn to, for years to come. I consider this place a sort of sanctuary.

I agree Tarin - I havent been on here much of late but I know I can come on here and feel part of something. I never needed this before because I was quite happy on my own but not any more. Although I still find it difficult going to events and feeling like I am on the outside looking in. I still value the opportunity to share here and I have made some wonderful friends here too.

I always had a feeling that Michael would not be with us for long but the shock is overwhelming as is the lasting grief. Day by day it actually hasn't got any better but I dare say without this place I would feel a whole lot wore.

Thank you again

[Louise.]

Thinking of you!

[Harmony]

Ah Diane, I'm sorry i've only just seen your post. You know, I feel exactly the same as you, not that that helps. Anyway if you ever need a listening ear, please pm, or text me ANYTIME. Love H x

[witchanna]

hi nice shy boys
im 32 years young
i feel so strange i don't know how to explane it must the winter wheather
part of me died the day michael died
2009
few days after michael died something inside me died
to start to prayer to SAINT michael
i think ask for too much that same night
i don't rembmer what i was dreaming about?
but i could still feel a cold hand shaking me trying to wake up me
it was about 2am? in the midle of the night
i wake up only to see a spirit michael
its nice feeling knowing michael just set next to my bed watching me sleep till moring
2010? nothing intersting happen to me
i don't rembmer if i have any michael dreams
i feel like its almost like michael is telling me goodbey
but its hard for me to just forget about michael
while i still watch silly videos on youtube of how some fans think that michael faked his death or doctor murrey murder michael
i see a few videos that plan silly like some one has seen a ghost of michael
i will better soon while michael new album will come out in november 2010
im michael fan since 1990? or before