I've never felt so miserable

**Dangerous21** · 18-06-2010, 10:02 PM

Originally Posted by mehdiblanket

Welcome to my club ,l hate life.

Wow. your signature photo is....i don't know what to say

gosh. I think I know how you feel because I, too, feel like I died that day...but the tombstone is so real...

I hope you're doing a little better?

**Rockin.** · 19-06-2010, 08:24 PM

How is everyone today..? *Billie Jean*

?

**Rockin.** · 19-06-2010, 10:27 PM

Ugh. I was ok today.. but then I read the 20/20 thread in N&H (don't read it guys

). It's hit me again. It's real again.

***Billie Jean*** · 20-06-2010, 04:53 AM

Originally Posted by Rockin.

Ugh. I was ok today.. but then I read the 20/20 thread in N&H (don't read it guys

). It's hit me again. It's real again.

There is nothing I can say that will help, I am just sending you hugs and love ... and wishing I could take the hurt away. I am sitting here crying over Michael now. I am just so emotional lately. I miss my baby every second of every day. Life just seems so damn miserably long these days. The thought of years ahead without my soulmate, best friend and my love is so painful. I hate my life, or I should say, my existence, because I am not living a life anymore. I am just existing and looking forward to the day I die.

**michaeljacksonkingofpop** · 06-09-2010, 03:16 AM

Oh, Billie, how are you now?

***Billie Jean*** · 07-09-2010, 10:46 PM

Originally Posted by michaeljacksonkingofpop

Oh, Billie, how are you now?

I can see I am "better" in some ways if there is such thing, pain is still very very strong but different from the pain at first. I am getting more used to waking up into this horrid reality of life now and trying to make some plans for the future. I still cry alot but I am better at not doing it as often in front of people, then people see me smile and think I am fine... This is hard. It takes a long time. One year isn't a long time.

I had a dream a few nights ago with him in it for a second.. I just asked for a hug at the end. I woke up in tears.. it felt so real. I just need a hug from him.

**michaeljacksonkingofpop** · 13-09-2010, 12:08 AM

If you're doing a little better, Billie, that's good. Just hang in there! I'm here and so is everyone else here for you.

**MJsBollywoodGirl7** · 13-09-2010, 04:19 AM

I so wish I could say that I am doing better but I am not. Though I had found lately that I don't cry over Michael as much as I was. But I am such an easy crier now that I can really no longer handle of wanting to watch a video or listen to him without wanting to really cry over him. And I really do miss watching him so much now. For some reason Who Is It has been the only song of Michael's that I can really handle listening to any more. Thank God for the several different versions of that song that I have. And believe me I really do miss listening to his other songs. Sadness and misery has been the only 2 things I have been feeling every single day since that horrible June day of last year. I still have yet to feel the one thing I have not felt since before I had heard the worst news ever. And that is happiness. Sadness and misery just forever took over where my happiness should be. I still do laugh and smile at things that I find funny. But that only lasts for so long until I am back to being sad and miserable again. My depression over Michael is still very bad. And no matter what I see, do, or get thinking that this may be the cure I need for my depression. It really isn't. I realized that the only way my depression can be 100% cured is for me to be where my Michael is. So until that wonderful day comes for me. Cause I am not going to attempt suicide for a 4th time. I am just going have to get used to living with my depression. And me just spending the rest of my life in mourning for him.

**The Healer** · 13-09-2010, 10:32 AM

Originally Posted by MJsBollywoodGirl7

I so wish I could say that I am doing better but I am not. Though I had found lately that I don't cry over Michael as much as I was. But I am such an easy crier now that I can really no longer handle of wanting to watch a video or listen to him without wanting to really cry over him. And I really do miss watching him so much now. For some reason Who Is It has been the only song of Michael's that I can really handle listening to any more. Thank God for the several different versions of that song that I have. And believe me I really do miss listening to his other songs. Sadness and misery has been the only 2 things I have been feeling every single day since that horrible June day of last year. I still have yet to feel the one thing I have not felt since before I had heard the worst news ever. And that is happiness. Sadness and misery just forever took over where my happiness should be. I still do laugh and smile at things that I find funny. But that only lasts for so long until I am back to being sad and miserable again. My depression over Michael is still very bad. And no matter what I see, do, or get thinking that this may be the cure I need for my depression. It really isn't. I realized that the only way my depression can be 100% cured is for me to be where my Michael is. So until that wonderful day comes for me. Cause I am not going to attempt suicide for a 4th time. I am just going have to get used to living with my depression. And me just spending the rest of my life in mourning for him.

I understand how you feel. I feel the same.
Through all these years there were times when I was afraid for Michael and I thought to myself.." what if something happens to him...."
But emotions I am still going through are so much worse I have ever imagined...

.
The pain just doesn"t go away. And shock. And denial. All together.
There are no words to describe how much I miss him. I can not imagine this world without him. But I am living in it. It is so hard.
I guess the pain proves how much we love him.