I've never felt so miserable

*Billie Jean*

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In Heaven with Michael
I am really having a hard time. Worse than the beginning, I was in shock. Worse than 6 months when I thought I'd gone nuts. I can't stop crying... not just crying, sobbing out of control. I miss Michael even more intensely now. And I hate the knowledge that there is not one earthly thing that can fill the hole and sooth the pain - except him, and obviously that is never going to happen. I can't believe it is coming up to a year... it seems like yesterday, and then it seems like a hundred years ago. There is so much pain. I just wanna be with him. I feel totally hopeless and overwhelmed, like I will never be happy again. I am fallen apart, I feel totally broken, heartsick, I miss him so much it is a physical pain. People tell me it takes time, but I hate having to pass time, I hate waking up each day wondering what I should do with myself. I just want to lay down and never get up. I just want to see my love. Nothing seems to matter anymore. :weeping:
 
A huge big :hug: for you Billie Jean. And I just wish there was something that I could say to you that would make you feel better but there isn't. Especially since I too have been feeling pretty much the same as you have been feeling lately. It has gotten to a point now with me that I can't handle listening or watching him now. I realized that when I watched the first episode of this season's America's Got Talent on Tuesday night. One of the first songs that was played on that show was the Jackson 5's song ABC. And I just really broke down the second I had heard that song. I had to put the tv on mute because of it. And the same thing happen tonight when I was watching the second episode of that show. They had played one of my favorite Jacksons songs Can You Feel It. And I just started to really cry again. I am starting to really wonder now if I can ever go back to watching and listening to Michael again. Without wanting to cry every single time I see or hear him. So I really do know how you feel Billie Jean cause I do feel exactly the same way.
 
I have no idea what to say here. I dont even know what the hell to tell myself because I feel the same way. I think the main thing is, we have NOT gotten any closure yet, so its making it extra hard to accept what has happened. I think its natural for all of us to be feeling this way now, and for me to be crying my ass off while writing this to you. We have to cry, we have to be sad, we have to mourn. This is a man that has been so close to each and every single of one of us for ages, we cant just say bye to him. And I dont think we have to. But for now, its gonna take time and its gonna be hard, but we will realize that he's still here with us. With all the wonderful memories we have of him. We're the ones that will keep him alive. It's up to us. "With the Love, L.O.V.E."
 
im not give advice on when to stop griving for michael
but i learn one from my own exprices while someone close you dies
you never stop thinking of this person and it takes time to grive/heal
 
Awww man...this is tough. :weeping: I'm so sorry you are hurting so deeply. There's nothing I can really say to make it better...and while I feel incredibly sad for the loss of Michael, I'm not experiencing the grief as deep as fans who have followed him for years. All I know is that you have all the support you can get here...and so many who understand exactly what you are going through. You are not alone. Ugh...big hugs hon. :huggy: :huggy: :better:
 
I am stuck in a rut right now too. It hurts alot. Especially looking at the calendar and seeing June, getting this eerie feeling. Some of the songs I listened to this week have made me breakdown. I always have this sadness in my heart :cry:
 
Hugs and love to you all. :hug: I hate the ups and downs of this all. The roller coaster of emotions is tough. I seem to be stuck in this grief, unmotivated, and still wanting my old life back and still missing Michael like crazy and thinking about him so many times throughout the day and even more at night. I love him and miss him so much, I feel like a widow. And I hate the pain and sadness of being a widow. I feel like I am just existing each day and I am so tired and filled with pain. It is hard to come to terms that I will never see him again. I am disturbed at so many different levels that my soulmate was stolen from me. I cry all of the time. I hate this life that I am forced to live in alone without my sweet Michael. I am sick of this game called life. :weeping:
 
Hugs and love to you all. :hug: I hate the ups and downs of this all. The roller coaster of emotions is tough. I seem to be stuck in this grief, unmotivated, and still wanting my old life back and still missing Michael like crazy and thinking about him so many times throughout the day and even more at night. I love him and miss him so much, I feel like a widow. And I hate the pain and sadness of being a widow. I feel like I am just existing each day and I am so tired and filled with pain. It is hard to come to terms that I will never see him again. I am disturbed at so many different levels that my soulmate was stolen from me. I cry all of the time. I hate this life that I am forced to live in alone without my sweet Michael. I am sick of this game called life. :weeping:

I feel the exact same ways as you do Billie Jean. Especially with us seeing Michael as our soulmate. Michael has been the L.O.V.E. of my life since I was 8 years old. And it is no wonder now that I think of it is why I am still crying over him after all these horrible months. I am crying now as I write this message. Sorry if my message made you feel worst. But again Billie Jean I really do know how you feel. :boohoo:
 
I feel the exact same ways as you do Billie Jean. Especially with us seeing Michael as our soulmate. Michael has been the L.O.V.E. of my life since I was 8 years old. And it is no wonder now that I think of it is why I am still crying over him after all these horrible months. I am crying now as I write this message. Sorry if my message made you feel worst. But again Billie Jean I really do know how you feel. :boohoo:
:hug:

It is so, so tough. I don't really know what to say, really there are no words. All I know is that it is almost a year and things are only getting harder for me. I hate this life I have now. I have overwhelming inertia and no motivation. I cry every day now. I can't see how things are ever going to get better. The ache in my heart is always there. Every day, every hour, every minute, I feel the pain of being separated from the other half of my soul. I can't wait till I die so that I can be with my love again. :weeping: I feel like I am in hell. I can't stop crying, unfortunately wasn't numb enough. I wish I was numb all the time. This is so hard and hurts so much. I feel so alone... everyone is living their lives and I am here suffering like hell. People think I cry too much. People think I should be better. People think that I should be getting on. These "well-meaning people" are making me nuts. I have this void in me that I feel will never be filled. I lived and breathed this man... how can I be over this horrible situation. I am missing him more and more each day. :weeping:
 
Im little sad now. Thinking about that he will never come back in this earth anymore.. never... I just want to be with him.. I miss him.. I love him... :(
 
missing Michael like crazy and thinking about him so many times throughout the day and even more at night. I love him and miss him so much, I feel like a widow. And I hate the pain and sadness of being a widow.

:cry: :cry: :cry: THIS!!! I too feel like a widow.. I feel like I was so close to him...like he was always there. 27 years, Michael was always there. I had a dream...to meet him....it was my ambition to do that. THAT kills me also, it will never happen :( :cry: I honestly thought I would be fine by now...but I still feel the same horror and shock as the first day. The pain is moreso now than before. Because as it slowly sinks in that Michael has gone....it hits me over and over and over again. :cry:

sorry BillieJean, don't want to make you more unhappy...I just know how you feel. :better: xxxx
 
I am really having a hard time. Worse than the beginning, I was in shock. Worse than 6 months when I thought I'd gone nuts. I can't stop crying... not just crying, sobbing out of control. I miss Michael even more intensely now. And I hate the knowledge that there is not one earthly thing that can fill the hole and sooth the pain - except him, and obviously that is never going to happen. I can't believe it is coming up to a year... it seems like yesterday, and then it seems like a hundred years ago. There is so much pain. I just wanna be with him. I feel totally hopeless and overwhelmed, like I will never be happy again. I am fallen apart, I feel totally broken, heartsick, I miss him so much it is a physical pain. People tell me it takes time, but I hate having to pass time, I hate waking up each day wondering what I should do with myself. I just want to lay down and never get up. I just want to see my love. Nothing seems to matter anymore. :weeping:


This is an awful nightmare...but what to do? There is nothing we can actually do, and all of us are suffering, in different ways, at different times and in different degrees. All I can say is, if you're crying, then you need to cry and let it out. A lot of people end up suppressing their pain and tears which becomes posionous overtime. I know I find it hard to cry, until something set's me off. It's like the tears are just under the surface and I'm scared to let them out cause I fear there will just be a flood, and I'll never stop.

To all of you that are in pain, I send my love. I know its getting harder, so much harder for me as we approach the looming day. Because somehow I turn around and think, how can this time have elapsed, how can we have gone full circle? What does this all mean? And what is TIME?

:better: to all of you
 
Hugs to you, *Billie Jean*:huggy:
I feel the same way you do.
I just want this pain that we're all feeling to go away,
but it never will. :cry:
 
Thank you all for your support. :hug: I am glad to have found people who unfortunately share my pain. No one else understands. Today my mom asked me whats wrong!?!? What does she think is wrong ... I lost my whole life in one day. :weeping: I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain. I just want to be wherever Michael is. I tossed and turned last night wondering where he was and why I can't be with him. I had a major meltdown yesterday and sobbed for hours. I feel like I am losing my mind. Or at least, losing my whole identity. I don't know myself much anymore and don't want to. I just want my love back. :weeping:
 
:cry: :cry: :cry: THIS!!! I too feel like a widow.. I feel like I was so close to him...like he was always there. 27 years, Michael was always there. I had a dream...to meet him....it was my ambition to do that. THAT kills me also, it will never happen :( :cry: I honestly thought I would be fine by now...but I still feel the same horror and shock as the first day. The pain is moreso now than before. Because as it slowly sinks in that Michael has gone....it hits me over and over and over again. :cry:

sorry BillieJean, don't want to make you more unhappy...I just know how you feel. :better: xxxx

I know. It is getting worst not better. :weeping: I don't know if you have done any reading but I have done lots and I find it helps and would like to suggest to you a book called "I'm Grieving as fast as I Can" by Linda Feinberg. It was the first book I read after Michael died. I felt so validated after reading it. Many Hugs!
 
Hugs and love to you all. :hug: I hate the ups and downs of this all. The roller coaster of emotions is tough. I seem to be stuck in this grief, unmotivated, and still wanting my old life back and still missing Michael like crazy and thinking about him so many times throughout the day and even more at night. I love him and miss him so much, I feel like a widow. And I hate the pain and sadness of being a widow. I feel like I am just existing each day and I am so tired and filled with pain. It is hard to come to terms that I will never see him again. I am disturbed at so many different levels that my soulmate was stolen from me. I cry all of the time. I hate this life that I am forced to live in alone without my sweet Michael. I am sick of this game called life. :weeping:

I really feel what you are saying there. even tho i'm a guy, I felt like my best friend/confidante/inspiration/you name it is gone. I feel like i'm just sleepwalking thru life. Every night i go to bed empty. Whenever something good happens, i think "i wish Michael could see this" or "well what does it matter without Michael?" for some reason, the last two months for me have been better, but so often i've felt like the love of my life has gone...and noone can really understand that.

This is something that I don't fully understand either or expect to go away...the only thing I know it means is that we truly do love him with all our heart.

I hope within this pain of yours comes a resolution that allows you to live as if Michael has never left...just changed. He's in you...
 
Thanks so much *Billie Jean* :huggy: I will go to the big library tomorrow and look it up. I love reading anyway, so if it's helpful reading I will gladly give it a go. xxx
 
I am really having a hard time. Worse than the beginning, I was in shock. Worse than 6 months when I thought I'd gone nuts. I can't stop crying... not just crying, sobbing out of control. I miss Michael even more intensely now. And I hate the knowledge that there is not one earthly thing that can fill the hole and sooth the pain - except him, and obviously that is never going to happen. I can't believe it is coming up to a year... it seems like yesterday, and then it seems like a hundred years ago. There is so much pain. I just wanna be with him. I feel totally hopeless and overwhelmed, like I will never be happy again. I am fallen apart, I feel totally broken, heartsick, I miss him so much it is a physical pain. People tell me it takes time, but I hate having to pass time, I hate waking up each day wondering what I should do with myself. I just want to lay down and never get up. I just want to see my love. Nothing seems to matter anymore. :weeping:

I wish I could just give you a big hug :better: But I can't...I feel your pain. Really. I just can't believe it's going to be a year also. I keep thinking I am living a bad nightmare, and one day I will wake up from it....Time heals wounds....We just need to keep on keeping on. That's what Michael would have wanted us to do.
 
:better: to you all,
i feel the same :boohoo: its like theres this black cloud over me thats getting bigger and darker and just sucking me into sadness more and more every day :(
today at school everyone noticed how upset i was, and only one of my friends asked why and before i even told her she asked if it was michael :( :(
mehhhh,
:boohoo:
 
I am crying over Michael now. And it was from watching MSNBC news channel. Cause there was like nothing else to watch on tv. I read the entertainment news bar section. And reading the one headline that California goes after Michael Jackson's doctor medical license was enough to make me start crying over Michael again. If it wasn't for that murdering monster we still wouldn't be feeling the way we are feeling now. I really don't believe in that time will heal all wounds. It's been almost an year now and I am still crying over Michael mostly every single day since it happen. Time is not healing for me to me it is just making me feel worst than I already do.:boohoo:
 
Awww, Billie, it's okay. We all wish this awful pain could go away but it never will because Michael wasn't JUST a normal human being. He was a man that brought peace, love, happiness, and courage to this world! Who would we turn to if we didn't have a man like him? Just remember he's still here with us in our hearts because his crown will never, ever, ever be taken away from him. I'm sending you a BIG hug, sweetie!! Look up the sky and talk to him if you want or close your eyes to see if he's smiling down at you. Just BELIEVE, Billie.
 
Thank you all for posting your thoughts, it helps me know I am not alone in my sadness. Today was a rough, rough day. All day, all I could do was think about Michael and how much I miss him. I can't believe that a year has almost passed since the death of my one and only love. I miss him so much and don't know how I am going to get through the rest of my years on this earth without him. Every day the desire to end it gets worse. There is no point to any of this without Michael. Therapists aren't helping, Xanax isn't helping, nothing is helping. I can't take this anymore. Too much pain and sadness. He is not coming back. No matter how much I beg, bargain, promise to do anything. He won't listen. I just want to die. :weeping:
 
Thanks so much *Billie Jean* :huggy: I will go to the big library tomorrow and look it up. I love reading anyway, so if it's helpful reading I will gladly give it a go. xxx

Your welcome. :huggy: Today I went to the bookstore and bought another book "Widow to Widow" by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg, M.S. So far this book seems like another good purchase for us.
 
Thank you all for posting your thoughts, it helps me know I am not alone in my sadness. Today was a rough, rough day. All day, all I could do was think about Michael and how much I miss him. I can't believe that a year has almost passed since the death of my one and only love. I miss him so much and don't know how I am going to get through the rest of my years on this earth without him. Every day the desire to end it gets worse. There is no point to any of this without Michael. Therapists aren't helping, Xanax isn't helping, nothing is helping. I can't take this anymore. Too much pain and sadness. He is not coming back. No matter how much I beg, bargain, promise to do anything. He won't listen. I just want to die. :weeping:

You don't want to die!! :( :huggy: you need to stay right here!!! We need to continue to pass on the L.O.V.E for Michael :heart: I know it all feels so senseless now...I still feel so angry...and cheated. We have been cheated...Michael would be real proud of you for sticking this out :heart: ...you come here day after day posting such wonderful words and poems....you have so much pain but always take the time to come here. It really touches my heart to see the love that us MJ fans have for eachother. :huggy: xxx

We are a kind of family here. And there is NO other family like an MJ fan family!!!! :D
 
You don't want to die!! :( :huggy: you need to stay right here!!! We need to continue to pass on the L.O.V.E for Michael :heart: I know it all feels so senseless now...I still feel so angry...and cheated. We have been cheated...Michael would be real proud of you for sticking this out :heart: ...you come here day after day posting such wonderful words and poems....you have so much pain but always take the time to come here. It really touches my heart to see the love that us MJ fans have for eachother. :huggy: xxx

We are a kind of family here. And there is NO other family like an MJ fan family!!!! :D

Thank you, sweetie. :huggy: But I am so tired of all of this. I can't stop crying tonight and write this sobbing. I came to the board for comfort and I realize I am tired of thinking and feeling all of this. I am tired of hurting and tired of living without Michael. I just don't know what to do with all the pain tonight. I don't know how I have made it 12 months already and how I will make it another day! I want for someone to have magic words and no one does. :weeping:
 
Thank you, sweetie. :huggy: But I am so tired of all of this. I can't stop crying tonight and write this sobbing. I came to the board for comfort and I realize I am tired of thinking and feeling all of this. I am tired of hurting and tired of living without Michael. I just don't know what to do with all the pain tonight. I don't know how I have made it 12 months already and how I will make it another day! I want for someone to have magic words and no one does. :weeping:

you know what I do when I feel so sad??! I put on the BOTDF album and I do a hard workout to the whole album...I kid not. It makes you feel so much better. You get rid of all that energy...I mean, it helps me anyway :huggy:

Have a rest babe :yes: ...go to sleep for a while...think of Michael...hopefully you will dream about him :heart:

I wish I had the right words to make you feel better :( :cry: Just keep on coming here ok?? Keep on writing. :huggy:
 
Thank you, sweetie. :huggy: But I am so tired of all of this. I can't stop crying tonight and write this sobbing. I came to the board for comfort and I realize I am tired of thinking and feeling all of this. I am tired of hurting and tired of living without Michael. I just don't know what to do with all the pain tonight. I don't know how I have made it 12 months already and how I will make it another day! I want for someone to have magic words and no one does. :weeping:

I so wish I could say something to you. But I can't because I feel the same as you do. I am crying over Michael now as I write this. And knowing that the horrible date is getting closer and closer. Is just making me feel worse. I do try not to think about by putting all of my concentration and attention in to one of my Sims games. And that does work it is the only other thing that does work for me other besides sleeping. But when I am not playing one of my Sims games or sleeping I am back to really thinking about Michael again. And then I just start crying over him again. Because I still hate living in a world without Michael in it so much now. And I just want to be with with Michael so very badly. Only because I want to feel happy again and Michael took my happiness with him on that horrible June day. And I have not felt happy ever since that horrible June day. Right before I had heard the worst news ever. :sad: :boohoo:
 
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