I couldn't cry yet

Semih

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My deep condolences to all of us who had anyhow some relation to him. He is a big loss to us all.

I've been following Since the moment I heard "Michael Jackson" is hospitalized. I kept seeking for a tiny spark that would prove all this News wrong; surfing through 2 forums, 2 internet live streams, listening on the radio and switching between Tv channels such as BBC, CNN, N-tv(German News Channel) on the tv. But it was my unlucky day.

One after another kept confirming his death, i was trying to resist and tried to hide behind CNN who hadn't confirmed yet, but were reporting all the other death reports from tmz, LA Post etc. . And then there it was, the last sands had fallen "Michael Jackson is officially dead".

I was in shock, I couldn't cry. I thought may be I go to bed and next morning everything will be different. With these thoughts I went to bed.


In between just a week ago I dreamed of Michael; It was a very weird dream, not the first time i dreamed about Michael though; but the scariest one! I and him were on a hill, where 5 statues form a star and he is one of the statues but he was more like between beeing a Statue and beeing a human(life and death). Right in front of the hill there was the O2 arena, not in the original form though. Actually it wasn't looking like anything at all, just a rocky mountain with spikes coming out of every hole, it was scary. I knew it was the O2 arena because it was my dream. When I looked at Michael his skin was falling off his face,he was dying i think. I begged him to try to live and do the concerts for the fans. At that moment I already knew that it was going to be over after the concert and he can't live anymore. I saw him glow and shoot like a star towards the venue, it was the most awesome thing i ever saw to date. Just like in the Moonwalker movie, infact it was real. I couldn't think of anyone else taking of that way, but after a few moments he came back exhausted and took his place as a Statue to rest. He repeated this three or four times and he failed everytime, came back exhausted and turned into a Statue again. The last time he came back, he lost his glow and the statue started to fall apart. It was over, i cried my soul out in my dream. I thought to myself this is the worst thing that could happen. When I woke up I was so happy that it was just a dream.


Today I woke up knowing he was dead. I didn't want to turn on the Television or Computer. I just couldn't accept the fact that he was gone. But after two hours I just needed to have some information of what happened.

I thought may be if I cry it out, i will feel better. It got me 3 times today
First when i watched the crowded shouting "Michael, Michael" at the UCLA Hospital, when I listened to a fan made "You are not alone" tribute
and everytime I see him smiling, that smile just kills me over and over. But I kept myself from crying.

I think I need my time.

Just wanted to know if there are other fans who couldn't cry yet...

my love
Rest in peace Michael
 
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