Missing Michael

iboz75

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Well, it's coming up on 9 months since Michael Jackson's death. In the past, I've blogged about my feelings on how I'm dealing with his death. It hasn't been easy. This blog is about how much I still miss him.

Sunday night, I was in one of my moods and decided to watch This Is It for the probally 50th time. I swear, I just can't get tired of seeing that movie. At least not yet. That was the last footage of Michael alive. I feel connected with him somehow still. I know that he's dead, and I've never met him when he was alive , but me watching this movie reassures my soul that I even though I have tried to move on with my life, I still have an eternal connection with him. I still can never see the ending. I always lose it and cry when I see the final line "love lives forever" so I turn it off shortly before.

Sometimes it's hard to believe that he's really gone. I know that we've seen him being rushed to the hospital in an ambulance (the last picture of him that I have, but refuse to post), shortly after his death was announced by Jermaine, and his body taken to the coroner's office via helicpoter. We've seen his funeral and interrment on tv. We've even caught a small glimspe of his children trying to manage life without their only parent. Imagine how it must be so hard for them. I'm just an outsider and it hurts horribly. They lived with him. He raised them, bathe them, read to them, played with them. Brought them gifts. Took them places. They spent their enitire lives with this man. Yes, the world mourns his death, but the pain we are feeling, they are feeling exponentially.

My maternal grandmother, who was suffering from terminal cancer and severe senile demtia due to its metastasis, died the morning of my birthday. Although I loved her, I barely shedded a tear. Michael Jackson, a mere pop star died 8 months before, and I'm crying inconsolibly for days, contemplating suicide. Why is this?I have readily accepted grandma's death and has wished her spirit well in the afterworld (considering if there is one). With Michael, I'm unwilling to accpet that he's gone and the very though causes me pain, anger, and sadness. Could this be because I knew my grandmother was going to die, and Michael death was sudden and unexpected? Or because I actually loved Michael more? Is it possible to love a pop star, whom didn't know who I was and I didn't meet over a woman who has raised me for part of my hildhood? I hope it isn't the latter. I have my own inner turmoil with this. the guilt I have is staggering.

I don't want time to forget Michael. I know its sounds twisted, but I still want TII to remain fresh. I was so disappointed to see the Michael Jackson sections at Hot Topic and Walmart to shrink and then disappear. It's just as if his death and the hype of it all was just a fad. A fad that ws capitalized on, and then disgarded. This isn't a book, or a cartoon. This is a man. A wonderful brilliant, loviing, handsome, incredibly intellegent man. Whi because of a doctor's fuck up is no longer here, to change lives and bring happiness to the world.

After Michael died, I found it important to have his image tattooed to my leg. I've been wanting a Michael Jackson tatoo since junior high, but I've been too afraid to endure the actual process of geting a tattoo. After Michael died, I was more than willing to endure the pain (with turned out to be nearly othing) to have him immortalized on my body, as a momento of my lifelong committment and agilation, and love. Fuck being a fan. I love him. I think I love him baot as much as a person can love someone she's never met. maybe more.

I'm not saying he was my soulmate, or he belonged to me or anything, but I have always been attracted to the man itself. Not the moonwalker, or mr VANA or RTT or Thriller, but the philospher. The lover. The artist. The humanitarian. I was attracted to that Michael. The music was just the whip cream topping on an already yummy desert. Michael jackson never had to sing a note, never dance a step. I loved him for things not related to him music. His wisdom. His soul. Many people will never understand the level of love and respect I have. I will delve no more into it (I'm actually saving it for a book I plan on writing soon about my experiences as a fan).

As the years, and decaded go by. I just hope that Michael dosent become another Paul Bunyon, or anything. But someone notibly remembered for the great things he has done in his life, and not the bullshit that many people believe. When people have told me right after he died, "be glad you had the opportunity to experience this in your lifetime" at the time, I didn't. the pain was so great. In fact, I wish I never was a fan because perhasps I woldn't have cared so much about his death.

Soeone on the fanboards reminded me that I didn't just decide to be a fan. In a way I was selected becuse my nature was receptive to his message. It takes a certain person to actually "get" Michael. I always have. The person who gave me those words of comfort had so much wisdom themselves.

I will continue to carry Michael in my heart for as long as I live. I will never forget him, I will miss him forever. :(
 
I'm right there with you. As time goes on, I miss him more and more. I don't know why this is. I have lost many people in my life, but as time went on, I was able to accept the loss and the pain would lessen a little each day. I never even met Michael and I feel the loss more and more each day, instead of it lessening. I am afraid I will never get over it.
 
I know exactly how you feel...I've connected with Michael on many levels, and it still hurts very deeply.....If you ever need to talk..I'm here...:huggy:
 
I feel the same way. everyday i think about Michael and not a single day goes by that i dont. he is always in my mind no matter what. I havent listened to his music in awhile and ive only watched my This is it dvd once and havent brought myself to watch it again bc its just way too hard for me to watch it without crying. Its still very hard for me to think that its been 8 months since he passed and i cant even bring myself to except him being gone. we all here know what your going through bc we are all going through it as well. some of us like myself are going through it alone bc we have no one around us who cares or understands our pain thats why this place is just a god send to us. I hope things getter for you and never forget that Michael loved you and is watching over all of us from heaven.
 
I know exactly how you feel. There are absolutely no words in any language that can even begin to describe just how much I miss Michael anymore. And every single minute of the day and night I think about Michael. I am crying over him now as I am typing this message. Cause I just miss him so damn much. Believe me it doesn't take much for me to start crying over him again. I still can't believe how intense the pain can be for me at times. The pain is still just as raw and as intense as it was then when I first heard the horrible news. And every single thing I see, read, hear, or do it reminds me of Michael in some way. I just want to be with him so very badly anymore. Cause I am seriously just so very sick and tired living in a world without him in it. And having to hear some kind of tribute about Michael. Which is nothing but a constant horrible reminder of where he is now. I don't care how good the tribute is about Michael. It is still a constant horrible reminder. And you know I have yet to hear the song This Is It and see This Is It. I have both the cd and the dvd of This Is It. But I just can't watch it. Because it just way too painful to see any pictures or video footages of Michael in his final days. And I really don't know if I can ever handle seeing This Is It. The only thing that I have now that can give me a little bit of happiness anymore. Is when I go in to my happy fantasy world about Michael. And I am just so very thankful that I have that fantasy world of mine. Because when I am not in my fantasy world I am always continuously feeling sad, miserable, bitter, and depressed. My genuine happiness and any similar feelings to that is forever gone from me. Those feelings forever died with Michael on that horrible June day. And I am never ever going to get them back. Stranger In Moscow is the only song that can really best describe how my days have been since June 25th.
 
I'm right there with you. As time goes on, I miss him more and more. I don't know why this is. I have lost many people in my life, but as time went on, I was able to accept the loss and the pain would lessen a little each day. I never even met Michael and I feel the loss more and more each day, instead of it lessening. I am afraid I will never get over it.

OMG me too!
 
SIM, that is the best song ever written, and you're right. It definitely describes the way I've been feeling since he died.

Maybe I need help.
 
I'm not saying he was my soulmate, or he belonged to me or anything, but I have always been attracted to the man itself. Not the moonwalker, or mr VANA or RTT or Thriller, but the philospher. The lover. The artist. The humanitarian. I was attracted to that Michael. The music was just the whip cream topping on an already yummy desert. Michael jackson never had to sing a note, never dance a step. I loved him for things not related to him music. His wisdom. His soul. Many people will never understand the level of love and respect I have. I will delve no more into it (I'm actually saving it for a book I plan on writing soon about my experiences as a fan).


It takes a certain person to actually "get" Michael. I always have.

(

I agree with everything you said. Especially the above.

:hug:

hang in there everyone :hug:
 
Your words ring so true...I find myself still so sad. I don't ever want to believe that this world without Michael is reality. I havn't felt happy or at peace within myself since last June.

My maternal grandmother, who was suffering from terminal cancer and severe senile demtia due to its metastasis, died the morning of my birthday. Although I loved her, I barely shedded a tear. Michael Jackson, a mere pop star died 8 months before, and I'm crying inconsolibly for days, contemplating suicide. Why is this?I have readily accepted grandma's death and has wished her spirit well in the afterworld (considering if there is one). With Michael, I'm unwilling to accpet that he's gone and the very though causes me pain, anger, and sadness. Could this be because I knew my grandmother was going to die, and Michael death was sudden and unexpected? Or because I actually loved Michael more? Is it possible to love a pop star, whom didn't know who I was and I didn't meet over a woman who has raised me for part of my hildhood? I hope it isn't the latter. I have my own inner turmoil with this. the guilt I have is staggering.

I know exactly what you are dealing with. My grandfather has been very sick since last year. I love him to death, but my love for Michael is like beyond anything i've ever felt. I thought he would be with me forever. He's too superhuman and extraordinary for this you know? He's been with me and a part of me since I was a little boy. What else can you say...? How do you deal with that type of loss?

I don't think you should feel guilty. You love your grandmother and it's not a competition. Your relationships are different and that's okay.

I don't want time to forget Michael. I know its sounds twisted, but I still want TII to remain fresh.

Me too! I don't want Michael to be any less a part of me. I'm certain that because we have his music and videos and places like this, he will not be forgotten. I think it's different with Michael versus our relatives who pass. We don't listen to our relatives' music in our ears daily or watch their videos on youtube or read forums. So with time, we do forget in a sense. Only to remember them on occasion.

I'm not saying he was my soulmate, or he belonged to me or anything, but I have always been attracted to the man itself. Not the moonwalker, or mr VANA or RTT or Thriller, but the philospher. The lover. The artist. The humanitarian. I was attracted to that Michael. The music was just the whip cream topping on an already yummy desert. Michael jackson never had to sing a note, never dance a step. I loved him for things not related to him music. His wisdom. His soul. Many people will never understand the level of love and respect I have. I will delve no more into it (I'm actually saving it for a book I plan on writing soon about my experiences as a fan).

Agree with you 100%. I love Michael the man. His heart is pure. I see God in him.

When people have told me right after he died, "be glad you had the opportunity to experience this in your lifetime" at the time, I didn't. the pain was so great. In fact, I wish I never was a fan because perhasps I woldn't have cared so much about his death.

Soeone on the fanboards reminded me that I didn't just decide to be a fan. In a way I was selected becuse my nature was receptive to his message. It takes a certain person to actually "get" Michael. I always have. The person who gave me those words of comfort had so much wisdom themselves.

I love these points too. So many people couldn't see past the surgeries and vitiligo and hated him. Others were only fans of the music or dance. Then theres people like us who understood him and loved him. We are blessed.

Thank you for this wonderful post.
 
I think he touches us in ways that knowone else can. He is just a beautiful person inside and out whispersing in our ears every day. He brings us closer to God with his faith. I actually hope when my time comes that he is the one who takes my hand and leads me to God. Love always.
 
After They Are Gone

When someone we love passes away,
We ache, but we go on;
Our dear departed would want us to heal,
After they are gone.

Grief is a normal way to mend
The anguish and pain in our hearts;
We need time to remember and time to mourn,
Before the recovery starts.

Let's draw together to recuperate,
As we go through this period of sorrow;
Let's help each other, with tender care
To find a brighter tomorrow.

By Joanna Fuchs
 
I miss him so much!!!! It still hurts!! :(

I wrote this last night:

~Thoughts~

How wrong I was to think I had put it all behind me.
In my own way I attempted to forget,
to think no more of that which breaks my heart.
It's so pathetic that it's been such a long time
and I still break down, I still cry.
The void you've left inside me is too large to ignore,
too painful to forget, it's too cold for words.
Your words still haunt my mind like a wicked dream.
The laugh that once had warmed my heart now chills my veins.
It's like a nightmare from which waking's not an option,
and in which screaming goes unheard.
The silence of your absence echoes across time,
and only the memory of your smile brings sweet relief.

Save Me.
--

It doesn't rhyme, but it's from the heart. Love you always, Michael!
 
iboz75 said:
My maternal grandmother, who was suffering from terminal cancer and severe senile demtia due to its metastasis, died the morning of my birthday. Although I loved her, I barely shedded a tear. Michael Jackson, a mere pop star died 8 months before, and I'm crying inconsolibly for days, contemplating suicide. Why is this?I have readily accepted grandma's death and has wished her spirit well in the afterworld (considering if there is one). With Michael, I'm unwilling to accpet that he's gone and the very though causes me pain, anger, and sadness. Could this be because I knew my grandmother was going to die, and Michael death was sudden and unexpected? Or because I actually loved Michael more? Is it possible to love a pop star, whom didn't know who I was and I didn't meet over a woman who has raised me for part of my hildhood? I hope it isn't the latter. I have my own inner turmoil with this. the guilt I have is staggering.
I believe it's because Michael died so suddenly, so young. Not of natural causes. And we don't even know exactly how and why.......We had to face the news from a distance. We were just too far away from where he died. We all know he lived a tough life and deserved all the happiness he coulda enjoyed growing old. All this adds so much pain, as if the fact that he's gone alone wasn't enough.
I hope you don't feel too much guilt and punish yourself.
iboz75 said:
I'm not saying he was my soulmate, or he belonged to me or anything, but I have always been attracted to the man itself. Not the moonwalker, or mr VANA or RTT or Thriller, but the philospher. The lover. The artist. The humanitarian. I was attracted to that Michael. The music was just the whip cream topping on an already yummy desert. Michael jackson never had to sing a note, never dance a step. I loved him for things not related to him music. His wisdom. His soul. Many people will never understand the level of love and respect I have. I will delve no more into it (I'm actually saving it for a book I plan on writing soon about my experiences as a fan).
I'm totally with you.

I told some people around me that I cried and cried and cried the day he died. They don't seem to understand why. Probably because I never showed them how big of a fan I am. Certainly because they never know the bond between him and me, I mean, the type of bond you say you have in the part above. But I don't feel the need to break it down for them. I know how much I love him and that's all that matters. Even if I had let them know I'm a big fan, it would be only a period of consolation. I would never expect them to relate to the way I feel.
 
I miss him so much!!!! It still hurts!! :(

I wrote this last night:

~Thoughts~

How wrong I was to think I had put it all behind me.
In my own way I attempted to forget,
to think no more of that which breaks my heart.
It's so pathetic that it's been such a long time
and I still break down, I still cry.
The void you've left inside me is too large to ignore,
too painful to forget, it's too cold for words.
Your words still haunt my mind like a wicked dream.
The laugh that once had warmed my heart now chills my veins.
It's like a nightmare from which waking's not an option,
and in which screaming goes unheard.
The silence of your absence echoes across time,
and only the memory of your smile brings sweet relief.

Save Me.
--

It doesn't rhyme, but it's from the heart. Love you always, Michael!

I love that! thats just how I'm feeling:better:
 
Please never feel guilty as we are all in the same boat. My grandparents died two years ago and I didn't feel much sadness and my life carried on as per normal. Yet when Michael died everything I just went into such an awful state. I lost weight, just wanted to cry all the time, drank more, and worked every hour I could as every moment I had free I thought of Michael and it was so painful. As time went on I learnt to deal with my grief better as I joined here and made some amazing friends but that doesn't mean I don't stop crying for him. It never stops the moments where I just break down when I miss him so much. I still think of him every day as he was such an important person in my life. I miss him so so so much. Never feel guilty-you cannot help what you feel. We here are all in the same boat. We all miss him so much and we're all here for each other.
 
Yes I kown you miss mj so much but when I was sad & dpressed on missing mj I was so shock that he's no long with us. To that I just say forget about it now that I'm free form all the pain that I go through, than at lest I can share a tear for micheal!
 
i think he touches us in ways that knowone else can. He is just a beautiful person inside and out whispersing in our ears every day. He brings us closer to god with his faith. I actually hope when my time comes that he is the one who takes my hand and leads me to god. Love always.

i was 12,michael,13!!!i love him,i miss him.yet,he lives on!!in our hearts,in his music!!in his kids..prince..paris..blanket!!!
 
Well, it's coming up on 9 months since Michael Jackson's death. In the past, I've blogged about my feelings on how I'm dealing with his death. It hasn't been easy. This blog is about how much I still miss him.

Sunday night, I was in one of my moods and decided to watch This Is It for the probally 50th time. I swear, I just can't get tired of seeing that movie. At least not yet. That was the last footage of Michael alive. I feel connected with him somehow still. I know that he's dead, and I've never met him when he was alive , but me watching this movie reassures my soul that I even though I have tried to move on with my life, I still have an eternal connection with him. I still can never see the ending. I always lose it and cry when I see the final line "love lives forever" so I turn it off shortly before.

Sometimes it's hard to believe that he's really gone. I know that we've seen him being rushed to the hospital in an ambulance (the last picture of him that I have, but refuse to post), shortly after his death was announced by Jermaine, and his body taken to the coroner's office via helicpoter. We've seen his funeral and interrment on tv. We've even caught a small glimspe of his children trying to manage life without their only parent. Imagine how it must be so hard for them. I'm just an outsider and it hurts horribly. They lived with him. He raised them, bathe them, read to them, played with them. Brought them gifts. Took them places. They spent their enitire lives with this man. Yes, the world mourns his death, but the pain we are feeling, they are feeling exponentially.

My maternal grandmother, who was suffering from terminal cancer and severe senile demtia due to its metastasis, died the morning of my birthday. Although I loved her, I barely shedded a tear. Michael Jackson, a mere pop star died 8 months before, and I'm crying inconsolibly for days, contemplating suicide. Why is this?I have readily accepted grandma's death and has wished her spirit well in the afterworld (considering if there is one). With Michael, I'm unwilling to accpet that he's gone and the very though causes me pain, anger, and sadness. Could this be because I knew my grandmother was going to die, and Michael death was sudden and unexpected? Or because I actually loved Michael more? Is it possible to love a pop star, whom didn't know who I was and I didn't meet over a woman who has raised me for part of my hildhood? I hope it isn't the latter. I have my own inner turmoil with this. the guilt I have is staggering.

I don't want time to forget Michael. I know its sounds twisted, but I still want TII to remain fresh. I was so disappointed to see the Michael Jackson sections at Hot Topic and Walmart to shrink and then disappear. It's just as if his death and the hype of it all was just a fad. A fad that ws capitalized on, and then disgarded. This isn't a book, or a cartoon. This is a man. A wonderful brilliant, loviing, handsome, incredibly intellegent man. Whi because of a doctor's fuck up is no longer here, to change lives and bring happiness to the world.

After Michael died, I found it important to have his image tattooed to my leg. I've been wanting a Michael Jackson tatoo since junior high, but I've been too afraid to endure the actual process of geting a tattoo. After Michael died, I was more than willing to endure the pain (with turned out to be nearly othing) to have him immortalized on my body, as a momento of my lifelong committment and agilation, and love. Fuck being a fan. I love him. I think I love him baot as much as a person can love someone she's never met. maybe more.

I'm not saying he was my soulmate, or he belonged to me or anything, but I have always been attracted to the man itself. Not the moonwalker, or mr VANA or RTT or Thriller, but the philospher. The lover. The artist. The humanitarian. I was attracted to that Michael. The music was just the whip cream topping on an already yummy desert. Michael jackson never had to sing a note, never dance a step. I loved him for things not related to him music. His wisdom. His soul. Many people will never understand the level of love and respect I have. I will delve no more into it (I'm actually saving it for a book I plan on writing soon about my experiences as a fan).

As the years, and decaded go by. I just hope that Michael dosent become another Paul Bunyon, or anything. But someone notibly remembered for the great things he has done in his life, and not the bullshit that many people believe. When people have told me right after he died, "be glad you had the opportunity to experience this in your lifetime" at the time, I didn't. the pain was so great. In fact, I wish I never was a fan because perhasps I woldn't have cared so much about his death.

Soeone on the fanboards reminded me that I didn't just decide to be a fan. In a way I was selected becuse my nature was receptive to his message. It takes a certain person to actually "get" Michael. I always have. The person who gave me those words of comfort had so much wisdom themselves.

I will continue to carry Michael in my heart for as long as I live. I will never forget him, I will miss him forever. :(

Beautiful post. I don't have the words to express myself so eloquently, but you really got inside my head here. I had an aunt die very recently actually. She was buried on Saturday. I feel terrible because I didn't shed a tear, even though she was absolutely one of my favorite aunts and one of my closest family members period. It was sudden, a heart attack, but on the other hand, she was in her 80s. She lived a full, healthy, happy life otherwise. She got to see all her kids grow old, get married, and have children of their own. Whereas, Michael will never get to experience any of those things. He didn't die a natural death. He was murdered; snatched away before it was truly his time. I think that's what hurts the most. It didn't have to happen. Not to mention we're still waiting and fighting for real justice. Back on topic, I do still think about him and miss him every single day. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he's still out there somewhere, even though I know he isn't. It's just hard to face that reality, and when it hits randomly sometimes, it still hurts so much as if it was June 25th all over again. :(

I agree with every point you make in your blog, esp. about wishing that sometimes I'd never been a fan at all so it wouldn't hurt so bad. I'm deeply grateful to have known and experienced the magic that is Michael Jackson first hand, since 1984 anyway, and not after the fact. :)
 
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