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Joy in the Sorrow: What it means to Xscape Part 1

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So just recently, I came to somewhat of an epiphany (a good one!). For context, I'd like to share my journey over the last 5 years, because I haven't been able to vent to anyone about it. Like, ever. I just need to get this out, so forgive me. This is just a brain dump of epic proportions.


For those who don't know me, Michael Jackson was my idol ever since I was 9...which was like, late 90s. lol I didn't get to experience a lot of him at his peak, but by sister was a big fan when she was younger and she saved all these videos and music. I saw the Dangerous Tour concert once and was hooked. And long story short - I identified with him on a personal level. He was like my "spirit guide" so to speak. I was going through that awkward pre-teen/teen time in my life, and I know many MJ fans have gone through crazy adversities - some really deep stuff and MJ's music got them through. Well I didn't go through that, it was just...being a teenager lol. But it was a big deal at the time, where I felt like I didn't fit in, I was teased, and I was young so I had so much passion for like - EVERYTHING. And I was so so sensitive. And here I saw a guy who was so INSANELY talented, the only artist who could speak to the CORE of my being through his artistry - like I remember nights I'd just sit and listen to Will You Be There or She's Out of My Life and just cry, because it felt like MJ really just reached into my soul and I could feel into his soul just through music (metaphorically speaking - though it really felt that way).

He was my inspiration. Reading Dancing the Dream was the second thing that got me to love him even more, and through that book I was able to find my spiritual identity as a child of God, a creative being with the gift of life to give with meaning and purpose. MJ made me understand what life was all about, not as some kind of prophet or anything crazy like that - but just as a "regular" guy who just got it. He understood what it was all about. He got what it meant to live a fulfilling, purposeful life as a child of God (no matter what religion you pick). And I was sold. And I had a means to follow that example. And I did. I had such passion and zest for life, and creativity, and art - and discovery and learning in my teen years. Changing the world, that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to do what Michael was doing through my own aspiring craft - writing.


So I was deep into the MJ fan community for a long while, through Invincible, through the "sony sucks!" era lol (I even did fan fics which I'm super embarrassed to even look at now, omg they were zany). And I remember after the acquittal....I dunno I had a bad feeling. I was happy he got through it but I knew things wouldn't be the same after that. But still, I was in the head space of him being my "spirit guide" - he inspired me because even BEFORE then, he had gone through such animosity and came out the other side, still doing his thing. The "where is he to here he is again' effect. Good prevails, right ? Well, I saw that and I said to myself "I'm gonna be JUST like that. I'm gonna take life by the rails, and I'm gonna go for it, be daring, and if things go bad, if people try to bring me down - think about MJ. He's just like me - he's different, he's extremely sensitive, but he's still going, doing amazing things - and it'll be worth it in the end. If he can make it, so can I."

So I took a break from the MJ community for a good while to focus on college after the trial, taking that thought with me, growing in tons of ways - spiritually as well, happiest times of my life. I came back after the This Is It announcement, insanely happy and excited for another 'era' and ready to get back into the thick of things. And then that shocking day happened. And when it affected me sure, but I don't think I ever allowed myself to feel it. Even to this day, it was such an impossible notion. This is thinking back to times on community forums where we'd entertain how that day (god forbid) would happen, how we'd feel if it did, and it was such a far off concept that it was ok to talk about it - kinda like 'we got a long way to go until we have to even worry about something like that!" - some crazy fan fiction. I was so far removed from the idea. Still am, I think.


The craziness surrounding that day - that seemed to last for weeks on end - was a blur. I didn't really follow it, I don't know why - its not like I felt hurt by it. I just made a decision not to in my head. I got the general idea of the theories and goings on surrounding it but it stopped mattering to me I guess. I tuned in for the funeral, and I thought I felt that closure that I needed, cried my eyes out - once. And I...moved on.

Or at least I thought I did.

I don't know, recently I realized that when MJ died - a part of me just kinda died with him (like I'm sure happened to many fans here). But strange thing is, i didn't feel it. I just felt like I was dealing with it and was moving on from it. From then on out, I pushed anything relating to MJ away, not consciously and not really out of grief. But I just didn't feel like listening to his music, I didn't feel like talking about him, I didn't feel like watching anything MJ related. I pushed him to the back of my mind - he was a celebrity that I didn't even know personally and I had a "MJ phase/obsession" when I was younger. Now I like his music and...that's that. But of course it wasn't that simple. You just dont denounce someone that was such a big part of your life, and MJ was a BIG part of it for me. I couldn't just erase him from being a part of me, after he died. But as a way to 'deal' - I did. And I let go of everything I learned from him too.

I grew up. I stopped dreaming.


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Updated 08-07-2014 at 08:44 PM by J5master

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