Reading this thread has brought tears to my eyes. I am still hurting and I still cry, but I think a year on I'm doing better than before. I can't and wouldn't tell anyone what to do, but here are some things that helped me:
1) I found a psychiatrist, and for the first time, I began taking a medication, and I believe in my case it has helped. I was afraid to seek help initially, afraid of the stigma of mental health issues, afraid I would be laughed at, afraid the medication would make me feel strange or unlike myself, but none of those things happened and I'm very glad I went. Seeing a medical psychiatrist or a talk therapist is nothing to be ashamed of, and if there are logistical reasons preventing you from trying it, I urge you to find a way around them. If your family doesn't approve, is there a way you can ask for help without them knowing? If you lack insurance or money, are there any low-cost clinics in your area? Your primary care doctor should also be able to help or at least refer you. You don't have to begin by saying the name "Michael Jackson" -- just that you think you may be depressed or are grieving the loss of someone very dear to you.
2) I visit regularly on another board for support, and I've also met up with other MJ fans in person. There is an aspect of the grief that a medical professional can help you with, and also a piece of it that only a true fan can understand -- the magic and the beauty of Michael. I am really glad you all have the strength to share your feelings here, and I think you should keep talking, keep sharing, even if it's sad -- we are hear to listen and support. MJ fans are some of the best people in the world; there is so much love here and other places where fans can meet and talk. You and I have never met, but we have a strong bond, and I love you.
3) I found ways to help others. I know this may sound too difficult when you are hurting so bad that you can't even help yourself -- it felt that way to me. But then I volunteered at a nursing home, a cat shelter, I spoke to at-risk youth -- and just through the giving of myself, even though I thought I had little to give, made me feel better. I thought I needed to receive something to feel better, but in fact I actually needed to give my love away in order to feel it come back to me. Additionally, helping others is the thing that makes me feel closest to Michael.
4) Physical activity has also helped me. When I run through Central Park listening to "Can You Feel It" the endorphins just pump through my body and chemically make me feel better than any drug I've ever tried.
These are just some things that I have tried. I acknowledge how hard it is to try something new. It's hard to break a pattern, to change your mood or emotions; I totally get that. It took me a while to do all of the things listed above.
I am glad that no one in this thread has said they are in immediate danger of ending their life. I am glad you have the commitment to stay here and journey on. For different reasons, whether religious, family-related, or Michael-related you can see that you are supposed to be here with us right now. But also I believe that all of those forces (God if you believe, your family, your community, and Michael himself) also want you to feel the joy in life: stop existing and start living. I know "joy" might seem unattainable at the moment, but please know you can get there again, I guarantee it's possible.
One last thing from my experience: at times I felt almost afraid to stop being sad about Michael for fear that somehow he would lose an important place in my heart. I thought if I wasn't crying constantly it meant that I didn't really love him. But in the last year I've learned that he will always be in my heart and that he wants me to feel happiness and experience life.
Whew, this is more personal than I've gotten on here in a long while! Anyone in this thread, please don't hesitate to write to me if there is anything I can do to help you. I'm always here to listen or to give a virtual :hug: Please remember that you are loved, by me, by others here in the MJ community, and by Michael. I am positive that he still loves us and if he could hug you and say "I love you more", he would.
