It's hard when your best friend doesn't "get" you anymore


Proud Member
Jul 25, 2011
United States
Hey everyone, I was wondering how any of you have dealt with a real bond with someone outside your family has fallen apart and you don't even feel comfortable discussing it with that person. I'm not talking about just a friendship but a bond you were certain was as close and kindred as possible without being romantic. My best friend of nearly ten years has been making it subtley obvious that he doesn't consider me to even be an equal anymore. He scoffs at my love for children, my taste in film, patronizes my insights and quite frankly become more chauvinistic and shallow since graduating college and I just learned has been talking about me to my sister in an unflattering way, telling her things I trusted him to keep between us (at least my sister was honest enough to tell this to me so I would know she was more loyal to me). We don't really laugh at each others jokes anymore (I used to find him incredibly funny, now his jokes just go into tasteless). We had an argument several weeks ago where he insisted he treats most people this way since graduating and he even confessed he kept certain things from me because he simply didn't want to hurt my feelings, (coming from a guy who promised he cared enough about me as a friend to always be up front with me).

The reason why we've been friends for so long is because I thought as friends we would always value and cherish each other (as a couple we would have killed each other) but I don't feel comfortable talking to him about anything. If I talk about intense stuff he thinks I should fix it with partying, If I talk about what I like and what really gives me joy he rolls his eyes. This is the opposite of how it was in High School and even when he moved away to college, we could talk for hours about anything. I may never have been in love with him nor he with me but this was a bond. You never expect a friendship (man or woman) quite like that to end or dissipate. I thought it would be the kind of friendship Michael and Elizabeth or Joe and Laurie in Little Women.
aww..I am soorry you are going through this..:hug:.....My best advise for you..find a knew best friend...:hug:
Awwww... > :better:

This has happened to me too, I completely ignored the behavior of my friend and follow with my life... but today there is really no more a friendship, we speak very, very, very rarely. *big sigh*

A true friend is forever. :yes: :heart: I believe that only time and attitudes will show whether a person is or is not a true friend.
Some friendships do follow a purpose. And sometimes they 'outlive' themselves and no amount of holding on with fix it. Sometimes friendships can fizzle out. And some friendships will last without having to do anything besides doing what you always did- love and appreciate.

Trick is to see which one is which. It happens.
I have been going through a simialr situation with a friend of mine who i've known all my life...well i thought we were friends. I understand that shes married now & got kids but she has completely shut me out and i dont know why, the worst thing is a part still belives she cares. My family keeps telling me i should "get over it" but its not easy when u known that person & cared for them, but i guess i have to accpet that its over.

Iluv2dream - my advise is just let it go and i know it wont be easy at first but over time it will, it just takes time to heal & move on
That person never "got" me to begin with. In the end, she turned out to be just another ordinary girl, and not at all the person I may have wanted her to be, so as it is, it is entirely my fault for expecting something of her she wasn't capable to deliver. She is very much like your "friend" in this post, in that she seems to truly be lost among the youth today. Our contrast is that our brief time together was during our middle school years, when she began to gravitate towards that appeal, and I remained as aloof as ever. I tried to prevent this from occurring to her, but in the end we all are destined to make our choices, and she made hers--we rarely speak anymore, and all the news I get about her are disheartening. She goes out with boys who are complete burnouts, smokes not only tobacco but marijuana as well (and one of the friends she was rather attached to in middle school smoked it, so it wouldn't surprise me in the least if that turned out to be true), apparently, drinks (this I know for certain), etc. It's all quite sad, but we are no longer at the stage where I can or want to do anything about it. We are practical strangers now, after having been relatively acquainted. Another contrast between us is that I did love her, and you do not appear to have had at any point during your friendship, any feelings towards your friend.

In any case, recently, I had a bit of a (something) with someone I considered to be a friend (I guess.) It's a long story, but the lesson to be learned is... don't. Just don't.

You're better off by yourself anyway. Pursue art, knowledge, anything. Never actually depend on people, because they will all disappoint you bitterly in the end.
^ That's really bitter indeed. I think true friendship does exist, but not all are meant to be forever. My best friends have been my friends for over 15 years at least. We change, but we find the changes in each other to be interesting. If you truly know each other it's hard to disappoint one another I think.
^Of course it exists, it is just so rare, and the pursuit of it so arduous that, like true love, it is seldom worth the effort.

Other things are always productive and beneficial, like art, music, knowledge. These things are dependable and good. These are incapable of abandoning you, and can only better your person.
xthunderx said:
My best advise for you..find a knew best friend...:hug:

From experience, I know it's really, really hard to do this, but it's probably for the best in the long run. I've put a whole lot of effort into trying to maintain friendships, but if the other person just isn't interested, then nothing will make them.

The idea that everyone still has the same friends they went to kindergarten with is perpetuated by popular culture, but the reality is far different. Not that a long-term friendship is impossible. True friends are out there :)
Is it at all possible that your friend fell for you in a romantic way? Not saying that he definitely did but it could be something to think about. He might be taking this new attitude to mask his true feelings because he is scared of feeling this way and scared of rejection if he does not think you return the feelings so is pushing you away to save face and feelings. Is this possible?
You know what, I hate to admit it but he did briefly admit to being infatuated with me way back in High School but I insisted (for the sake of our friendship) that we stay friends because 1. He was getting ready to leave for college and I knew he'd find a girlfriend 2. I was 15 he was 18 2. As friends I felt we were more likely to last because a relationship would have destroyed us much sooner. Trust me it wasn't easy, part of me wanted to say yes but i thought I was saving myself a broken heart because I knew romance would have been brief and disastrous. It was very much like Joe and Laurie in Little Women. He seemed fine to leave it at that for a loonng time because he would come into town we'd have fun, we could still talk for hours but this recently started happening like a year or two ago and he started treating me like a little sister more than a friend. I thought if he had feelings for me this treatment would have happened much sooner, not 8 years later.

It's not just in his behavior toward me but how I see him interact with others, making shallow jokes, drinking heavily, etc. It's just hard because we overcame so much together. He helped me get through my parents divorce, I tried to help him through his depression in high school. I thought this was one of those "root" relationships Madea talked about as opposed to a "leaf" or "branch", the kind that blow away or break in times of trouble. I do thank everyone for their love and support. Hopefully it's a phase but if not it doesn't mean we should give up hoping for true friendship. I hope I don't come off as shrewish for admitting this because I didn't want to bring that up as a possibility for fear of sounding egocentric. Either way, I know I can't have a "best friend" who belittle's or laughs at the things that give me joy, makes chauvinist jokes about women (something he never used to do) or who speaks of me to my face in one way and behind my back in another. We all deserve better than that.

I appreciate what Siyahmaba said, that those popular culture cradle to the grave type friendships are mostly a fantasy. I started learning that a long time age but feel like I'm just accepting this now. Still, I'll remember Michael's lessons to not got through life bitter and disappointed. If my friends feelings are a factor, I hope one day we can work out how we can stay friends through that because trust me, he needs a lot more than "I" can give in a relationship. He needs a woman who can really handle his ups and downs and what rolling stone he is. I know that's not me. I love him and myself enough to know we wouldn't fit that way but I never thought we'd fall apart as friends. Even if we do make amends, I'm afraid I don't know if it will ever be the way it was where I could trust him to treat me as an equal, keep secrets, and be honest with me. I'm sure everyone has had to deal with that at some point. Hugs back to everyone.