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My Life Story I need Help :(

Kurt

Kurt

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Ok guys this will take a while to read so i suggest you grab ure favorite drink and ure reading classes.

Guys I really need your help but in order to tell you alittle about about my backround this is a very deep and perosnal story of my life.. It may change the way the you look at me but i really dont care because i feel you need to know please dont judge me from whats happened in the past.

Ok here goes i like helping ppl with there problems i have aload of my own & i feel the best person to help you with your problems are those that have problems of there own or have expereniced the same problem as you. I dont what to bore you with my whole life story but i guess most of the problems caused in the future are created from the ones in the past.

Im only 24 I live alone and have for the past 8 years now and my only why of socialising is through the internet i only have 3 real friends and other ppl that claim to be my friends dont really care or make an effort to be my friend. I as a kid expereniced the simliar problems to Michael i was abused as a kid by my mum and sister from the age of 5 to 17 when i finally got the guts to tell them to back off. This abuse has caused some really bad Psychological problems i used to walk around at night in my bedroom with a baseball bat at night scared encase they came into my room or encase some one tried to break in. my dad was always to drunk to be aware of someone breaking in.

When i was 5 i was taken away from my family and put into foster care as well as being abused by my mum and sister i was abused by my foster parents they claimed i didnt have any friend and wouldnt allow me to go out after school they stole things from me and set me up to look like the bad one and called me everything under the sun. And thats on of the reasons i find it hard to socialise with ppl because up until i was 17 ive always been locked in the house with no friends or anyone to socialize with. when i turn 17 i got my own place and my own freedom but i still found it hard to socialize with ppl & to this day i still do. 1 of my main problems is that i find it really hard to sleep at night theres so much on my mind that i cant get rid off it and once i do something else always pops up for example last week i was informed i was getting bank charges next month and i dont have a job or the money to pay them. so i went down to the bank and got them to refund one on of them and them all of a sudden the same thing happens again and thats one of the reasons i cant sleep because of these bank charges.

But to cut along story short. I feel really embrassed talking about this but im hoping maybe after i talk about this then other people will feel they can do the same. I'm 24 well 25 in 6 weeks (1 week before Michaels 51st) and i dont know my sexuality remember i said that all that abuse has caused Psychological problems well one of those problems is that i find it hard to visualize things in my mind i find it hard to feel anything im not saying im emotioniless but what im saying that is that the only time i feel really upset was when Michael Jackson past away he meant so much to me, and even though i never met him i felt that he was my only friend. So because i find it hard to Visualize and feel thing this has infected my sex life I find it really hard to chat up anyone, Im scared to be myself encase no one likes me and because my parents where always around for me ive been come obbessed with famous ppl like Johnny Depp, Criss Angel, Michael Jackson & Meat Loaf whom i believe will always be there i feel i can put on a cd or movie more than i can talk to or see to my parents or a friend. And now michael has been taking away from us i feel like breaking down and crying more each day. Ive been to see my doctor about this and there was nothing she could do but i think its because she doesnt really understand me that well and i feel more comfortable talking to use than her.

So this is the main problem taking from all above my sex life is totally messed up because of my Psychological problems i find it hard to tell which gender i like best and being at my age i think thats a problem, a friend told me that Mj had erection problems and thats why he could have sex after his dad beating him up and hitting him in the private parts well i have the same problem to and i ask my self how i am meant to tell which i like best if i cant get an erection i dont want to be in a relationship uncase i end up hurting someone emotionally so what do i do.

If any one could help that be great and what can i say a BIG thank you from the Bottom of my HEART to everyone that has taken the time to read this THANK YOU so much it means alot to me to that theres people out there that cares.

Well its 3:38am and im gonna try and get to sleep good night at thanks again I'll check in tomorrow afternoon.

Bye
 
Dear Kurt,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can tell it wasn't easy to write about all of that. I'm really sorry that you experienced abuse and difficult family issues and that you're having a hard time right now.

I lot of us feel like we've lost a friend in MJ -- I certainly do. But I've felt comforted by talking to many amazing people on this forum.

You mention that you have 3 real friends -- that may not SEEM like a lot, but having even one real friend is a treasure I think.

Lots of people don't "know" their sexuality and go through a questioning period or have their feelings shift over time. Many people close to me have gone through this and it doesn't make you weird or wrong or anything.

You mentioned going to see your doctor -- is there any chance you could get a referral to a psychologist or therapist, or maybe could find one on your own? It's possible that a medical doctor isn't looking closely enough at psychological issues. Even if you don't have extra money these days maybe there are places near you that offer free care or charge on a sliding scale?

There are lots of us who care about our fellow MJ fans. I hope posting on this forum eases your pain a little.

Now it's getting near midnight my time so I should sign off... Goodnight!

PS - I am a Meat Loaf fan too (and even more strongly a Jim Steinman fan -- I
 
Kurt,

Thank you for joining the forum :flowers:
I really feel that Michael is my saviour and best friend too..
I will always believe that! Hope we can be friends :hug:
 
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Hi Kurt, you say youre Doctor doesnt really understand you. Have you thought about going to see another Doctor? Also have you seen psychologist? As someone who does counselling, there are many issues here which you are facing, and many of them are long-term issues but there is help out there. Also I'm glad you're reaching out to others. Its always a bit scary doing that, but at least you havent shut that door because there are always people here willing to listen.
 
I've been to see a few Counsellors but the problems still remain, nothing they do or say seems to help.(Ive been up alnight i haven't slept)
 
Hi Kurt, have you seen any psychologists? As due to the nature of the problems youre talking about, its likely you will need to see a psychologist or psychairist as these are longterm issues. Counselling can help, but I'd probably recommend counselling in counjuction with psychotherapy. Also how long have you sought help? As these are longterm issues, and can, and may take several years due to the prolonged exposure of abuse you suffered as a child.
 
Also the erecticle problems you talk about are common with longstanding psychological problems. Many things can interfere with erections, such as medication (I'm not sure if you're on any, but these can and do interfere with a man's ability to sustain an erection) also the problems you suffered in childhood which beset you emotionally and mentally. There are things out there that can help, such as viagra and also breaking down the various mental trauma you went you as a child, though that would take much longer. Also the part about being unable to decide which gender you like more, often its more than just the ability to get an erection. Which sex do you feel more comfortable around? Do you feel more trusting with men or women? Often attraction is a combination of mental physical and emotional and many young men often have trouble deciding their sexuality so please know youre not alone.
 
krism said:
Also the erecticle problems you talk about are common with longstanding psychological problems. Many things can interfere with erections, such as medication (I'm not sure if you're on any, but these can and do interfere with a man's ability to sustain an erection) also the problems you suffered in childhood which beset you emotionally and mentally. There are things out there that can help, such as viagra and also breaking down the various mental trauma you went you as a child, though that would take much longer. Also the part about being unable to decide which gender you like more, often its more than just the ability to get an erection. Which sex do you feel more comfortable around? Do you feel more trusting with men or women? Often attraction is a combination of mental physical and emotional and many young men often have trouble deciding their sexuality so please know youre not alone.
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Right now I'm not on any medication, The doctor told me about Viagra but the price of it is way to expensive and i dont see why i should pay for these pills just to have a sex life that would be like going to a prostute and paying her to turn me on sexually. I also think itd mean alot more to both parties if it was natural. To be honest will you i've tired being in relationships with both men and women and its the same problem i fight it really hard to relax around them both, As i have alot of issues on my mind that i dont want to hit them with. I'm going to see if my doctor can refer me to a psychologists, as she did say it was a psychological problem.
 
Hi Kurt,
don't have much to say as I can't think straight atm but I just wanted to say how strong you are and how I am here for you *hugs*
love kitty
 
Hi, if possible talk to your Doctor about that and hopefully you can get booked in with a good psychologist. As with anything there are both good and bad so if you dont feel comfortable with whoever you end up booked in with go see another. Probably the best advice I can give is to be patient. As alot of the issues are long-standing, recovery wont be easy and will likely take some time and there will both good and bad days. But hang in there, cause help is available.
 
Hi Kurt. I'm so sorry for everything that you're going through and have been through. Your post must have taken a lot of guts! I have never been in the sort of situation you have been in so I don't really know how I can help but I will give you a bit of advice. First of all, I think you should try and speak to a therapist of some sort. Your doctor didn't really sound too helpful but finding a therapist you can trust and talk to in depth would really help I think. I know money is an issue and I'm not sure how these things work but maybe you can get help free on the NHS?
About the relationship part, I'm a firm believer in the saying "in order for someone to love you, you have to love yourself first." Through therapy etc you might be able to lay some issues with the past to rest that will hopefully make things clearer for you. I would say don't rush that part of your life, it will happen when it's meant to.
Good luck, I hope you sort things out.
 
The part about your Doctor not being much help might be because she herself is feeling overwhelmed by your problems and feeling that is beyond her care. As the nature of your problem seems to have begun in childhood with a lengthy period of abuse that usually exceeds care a Doctor can give, they are there primary to diagnose a problem and write a script for medication. The nature of the various problems would indicate that you will need a psychologist or psychiairst, perhaps both, working with you in terms of psychotherapy and perhaps providing medication. Perhaps your Doctor can refer you to someone in your area, but as psychiartric care can be expensive (sometimes very much so!) depending on your circumstances there could be part funded care available to you. Basically with any care, I recommend urgent action as health systems are burgeoning with patients all over the world and it can be sometimes difficult finding psychologists/psychiarists taking on new patients (if that happens a referral from your Doctor or mental health services can come in handy)
 
Hi Kurt, thanks for sharing that with us. I for one know how hard it is to share such things, I recently shared my own story here too and it wasn't easy but happily many Michael fans seem to be like Michael himself: caring and understanding.

I know how early abuse can stay with you for life. I'm 25 now but was abused as a child and an adult but it was the childhood and the sexual abuse that I found hardest to come to terms with. Probably because I didn't fully understand or accept what had happened to me. Because of this it affected my relationships with everyone and I would only seem to be able to form relationships with people who would abuse me. I think abuse stays with you for life. Even if you "get over it" a part of it will always be there because like it or not it was a part of your life at one stage or other.

This could be the reason why you are having sexual "problems" - as a result of the abuse. Maybe it has affected your ability to form relationships, even friendships, because you are unable to trust people in the same way as others do. One thing I will say is that if you can't relax and trust somebody you can't expect yourself to be comfortable enough to have sex so don't be too hard on yourself for this.

I can't tell you what sexuality you are as only you can know that for sure, but have you ever thought that you are just not in the right frame of mind to be in a sexual relationship until you have had a chance to heal? Also if you are generally quite low (and this applies to ANYBODY) sex is often something you just aren't "in the mood for". Of course (and I'm not saying you are) there is a possibility that you are Asexual. Asexuals just don't get "excited" by sexual activities. Please don't take that as a diagnosis, but it might be something to look up and read about.

If you ever want someone to talk to feel free to pm me. I promise not to judge you.

Hope things look up for you soon,

Nikki
 
Hi Kurt,

I truly commend you for sharing your story with us and I am sorry you had such a difficult start in life. The experiences you go through during your childhood help define who you are today, so it is really understandable that you're having a difficult time coping with things. That you dont know your sexuality and cannot be sexually active at this point can have many reasons. Stress, medication, a medical condition... but it's also quite possible you cannot defy your sexuality because you have yet to develop a sense of who you are as a person. It is quite common for people who have been mistreated as a child to have troubles with their own identity, because they were never given a chance to develop in that way.

A psychotherapist for one could really help you discover yourself and help you to deal with your experiences from the past in a way that will make things easier for you today. They are especially trained to link past experiences to the way you function today and help you to develope a true sense of self. It may seem scary at first to seek counselling and share your experiences with a complete stranger, but in the end it will be worth the effort. Think about it.

In the meantime feel free to come here and share your thoughts with us. And of course you can pm me any time if you feel like talking.
Take care :better:
 
from what i understand of your situation there seems to be emotional blockages happening which prevent you from fulfilling meaningful sexual relationships (with either sex). basically in a nut shell its a result of the trauma you suffered as a child. and matters werent helped because the abuse was prolonged. if you havent seen a psychologist before im a little surprised nobody has referred you to one, as there are many long-standing issues to deal with and the longer they remain untreated the longer they continue. often the way we deal to life experience is formed early on, and because of your abusive upbringing its difficult to form attachments because theres likely a conflict internally because as a kid when you did leave your defences down, that trust was abused and so while the conscious part of you may want to be able to trust and be comfortable with either sex, the internal self is wary of getting close to anyone.
 
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