I don't know what I believe anymore. I used to have no regrets and believe that everything happens the way it is meant to in this life. But right now I am tortured by regret and anger because this wasn't supposed to happen. I also always felt that souls chose when they would die. I cannot accept that Michael was ready. It was not his time. I will never believe that his soul chose that death.
All day, every day, my mind explores "what ifs," and I feel like everything is in slow motion. I feel unresponsive to everything going on around me, everything I am doing. I cannot concentrate on anything. I zone out at school, work, with my daughter. I'm not present.
Two years ago my best friend died of an accidental prescription medication overdose, and I was somehow able to cope and accept it. But with Michael this is a million times worse. I have never had anyone's death hit me this hard. For the past 2 months, my depression has gone in a downward spiral.
My biggest regret is not meeting him, and it is tortue. I had two best friends who were acquaintances with him. Another acquaintance met him once; yet another acquaintance dated him long ago. But since 2004, I felt that I was obviously meant to meet him, and it would happen for sure at some point. At that time his trial and all that was going on, then he was out of the country, and then I was living in northern CA. I go to LA all the time but never got around to meeting him. I went for a few weeks in July and reminisced with my friends who met him...and if only I had gone a few weeks earlier. If only, if only, if only. For some reason, I didn't rush it because I didn't feel that there was any rush. It was fate; I was supposed to meet him; there was no need to force it to happen as soon as possible.
Life feels so unfair. Honestly, how will I ever not regret not meeting him? I feel like I will never feel happy again. This world feels so empty without him in it. I'm trying so hard to cope and find wisdom to cling to in all of this but there is nothing that gives me any comfort at all. I'm so glad I found this forum and know I'm not alone.
All day, every day, my mind explores "what ifs," and I feel like everything is in slow motion. I feel unresponsive to everything going on around me, everything I am doing. I cannot concentrate on anything. I zone out at school, work, with my daughter. I'm not present.
Two years ago my best friend died of an accidental prescription medication overdose, and I was somehow able to cope and accept it. But with Michael this is a million times worse. I have never had anyone's death hit me this hard. For the past 2 months, my depression has gone in a downward spiral.
My biggest regret is not meeting him, and it is tortue. I had two best friends who were acquaintances with him. Another acquaintance met him once; yet another acquaintance dated him long ago. But since 2004, I felt that I was obviously meant to meet him, and it would happen for sure at some point. At that time his trial and all that was going on, then he was out of the country, and then I was living in northern CA. I go to LA all the time but never got around to meeting him. I went for a few weeks in July and reminisced with my friends who met him...and if only I had gone a few weeks earlier. If only, if only, if only. For some reason, I didn't rush it because I didn't feel that there was any rush. It was fate; I was supposed to meet him; there was no need to force it to happen as soon as possible.
Life feels so unfair. Honestly, how will I ever not regret not meeting him? I feel like I will never feel happy again. This world feels so empty without him in it. I'm trying so hard to cope and find wisdom to cling to in all of this but there is nothing that gives me any comfort at all. I'm so glad I found this forum and know I'm not alone.
