Hi. I'm almost 17 (I turn seventeen August 31st, 2 days after August 29th, when Michael would have, SHOULD have turned 51 
). I'm in the middle of my final year of school, year 12 in brisbane australia. It was just in the first week of my holidays, I was just relaxing, when I heard about Michael's death. I couldn't accept or believe it at first, and for that reason the pain wasn't so bad. But I slowly started to realize that it was true, and the pain has just increased and increased ever since. I watched the memorial at 3am, and sadness just wracked my body. I've never experienced the death of someone I've loved so much before, and it just hit me so hard.
I spent the two remaining weeks of the holidays just playing video games and being like a zombie, just staying home and dwelling on Michael. I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself - in the few months before his death, I had sort of become less involved in the MJ world, listened to the music less, didn't look up the latest news on the MJJC etc. Why? because I got distracted by other things. So when I heard Michael had died, at first I was thankful I hadn't been so active a fan as I was a few months ago, but now I'm feeling so guilty like I wasn't there. I had JUST started getting back into the This Is It excitement FOUR DAYS before he died, but was still not fully into it I was still waiting. And all that waiting has been for nothing.
I have always loved Michael in my heart each and every moment over the last 4 years, but I still can't shake that guilt of not being there right at the end. I'm feeling guilty that now I need to listen to his music all the time, watch his videos - why wasn't I like this a day before he died? I was a few months ago, but just recently I had dropped off, and I just feel so terrible.
School started today. I thought I could get my mind of Michael's death, but I couldn't. During P.E., I didn't have my uniform so I just sat there, and I had to hide my face in my lap because I just started to cry. I listened to You Are Not Alone and Smile, and I had to cry. It doesn't help because none of my friends are Michael fans, and whenever he's mentioned the inevitable, disgusting, disgraceful jokes come out. I can't believe I used to be embarassed by being a fan to Michael. I should have been stronger, despite what people think. Even my family thought he was guilty, and only after the death are they like "oh he wasn't guilty". I'm so angry and yet so alone. My brother likes Michael, but not to the same level as me.
I feel so alone. I don't know ANYONE in real life who loves Michael like I do. Sure, the internet is great, but I had no one to cry with when I watched that memorial. I'd never felt so alone in my life. I know people who like his music, but no one who loved HIM as a PERSON. I am so alone And I feel so sad and the only thing that eases my pain is buying more and more Michael CDs. I had built up a big collection, but had stopped adding to it in the months before Michael died. I feel so guilty about that that now I'm buying whatever I can. I know I loved him ALWAYS, yet why did I turn my attention from MJ for a moment, only to have him die so pointlessly. I am so alone right now... I just wish I had someone to cry with. People are just taking this so lightly around me, they have no idea how deeply this has affected me, how depressed I am. I'm only 17 - how will I live all these years ahead without Michael being there doing his thing? I want him to be alive so badly!
). I'm in the middle of my final year of school, year 12 in brisbane australia. It was just in the first week of my holidays, I was just relaxing, when I heard about Michael's death. I couldn't accept or believe it at first, and for that reason the pain wasn't so bad. But I slowly started to realize that it was true, and the pain has just increased and increased ever since. I watched the memorial at 3am, and sadness just wracked my body. I've never experienced the death of someone I've loved so much before, and it just hit me so hard. I spent the two remaining weeks of the holidays just playing video games and being like a zombie, just staying home and dwelling on Michael. I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself - in the few months before his death, I had sort of become less involved in the MJ world, listened to the music less, didn't look up the latest news on the MJJC etc. Why? because I got distracted by other things. So when I heard Michael had died, at first I was thankful I hadn't been so active a fan as I was a few months ago, but now I'm feeling so guilty like I wasn't there. I had JUST started getting back into the This Is It excitement FOUR DAYS before he died, but was still not fully into it I was still waiting. And all that waiting has been for nothing.
I have always loved Michael in my heart each and every moment over the last 4 years, but I still can't shake that guilt of not being there right at the end. I'm feeling guilty that now I need to listen to his music all the time, watch his videos - why wasn't I like this a day before he died? I was a few months ago, but just recently I had dropped off, and I just feel so terrible.
School started today. I thought I could get my mind of Michael's death, but I couldn't. During P.E., I didn't have my uniform so I just sat there, and I had to hide my face in my lap because I just started to cry. I listened to You Are Not Alone and Smile, and I had to cry. It doesn't help because none of my friends are Michael fans, and whenever he's mentioned the inevitable, disgusting, disgraceful jokes come out. I can't believe I used to be embarassed by being a fan to Michael. I should have been stronger, despite what people think. Even my family thought he was guilty, and only after the death are they like "oh he wasn't guilty". I'm so angry and yet so alone. My brother likes Michael, but not to the same level as me.
I feel so alone. I don't know ANYONE in real life who loves Michael like I do. Sure, the internet is great, but I had no one to cry with when I watched that memorial. I'd never felt so alone in my life. I know people who like his music, but no one who loved HIM as a PERSON. I am so alone
And I feel so sad and the only thing that eases my pain is buying more and more Michael CDs. I had built up a big collection, but had stopped adding to it in the months before Michael died. I feel so guilty about that that now I'm buying whatever I can. I know I loved him ALWAYS, yet why did I turn my attention from MJ for a moment, only to have him die so pointlessly. I am so alone right now... I just wish I had someone to cry with. People are just taking this so lightly around me, they have no idea how deeply this has affected me, how depressed I am. I'm only 17 - how will I live all these years ahead without Michael being there doing his thing? I want him to be alive so badly!
Last edited:
