Hey there, guys and gals.
You may not know me from these boards but I have been active in the MJ Fan scene for a long while and used to post a lot at Mjnewsonline. I'm also a video editor who has made a number of Michael Jackson mix videos that have been well received over the years (under my other moniker of Mentalist) Perhaps you have seen one yourself?
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x23m8g_michael-jackson-synergy-mix-remaste_fun
Anyhow, I started searching for where most fans had congregated after Michael's passing and remembered this forum and that I had registered here some time back.
Reading the desperation and suffering of so many fans here which for some has even caused them to contemplate committing suicide has shocked and worried me. I felt that I had to say something to all the fans who are not dealing well with the grief of MJ's death.
I am not a healthcare professional and claim no knowledge of that type of thing but I just want to talk a little about what has happened and more importantly how we are all reacting to it. And maybe in the process it can provide a little comfort for those who are still feeling alone and like nobody understands why they feel so bad (non MJ fans) and whether the pain of losing our Star will ever lessen.
I was sitting watching the BBC when the "Breaking News" alert flashed up on the screen declaring in stark red letters that Michael Jackson was being rushed to hospital for a suspected cardiac arrest. I didn't have any outburst at this shocking development that was now being read out by the news caster but I felt my body tense up all over. They were reporting that TMZ had broken the story which I would usually scoff at but I knew there must be something to it because it was now on the BBC and they are not going to be putting breaking news alerts up for every sensationalist story that hits the gossip sites.
In truth even before I booted up my laptop and got to TMZ (I was still watching the BBC) I knew he was gone. I don't know why I "knew" it but I just did.
It took an agonizing 1 or so hours before the first reports that he had in fact passed away hit the news wire and it started to become all too real.
A myriad of thoughts ran through my head. Ones for his family. For him. And for me.
This wasn't meant to happen.
That's the only running motif that went through my mind.
Now, I'm not a big crier. I don't think I've cried since my grandmothers funeral (and I wasn't bawling then) back when I was 18 (I'm 25 now). Not because I care less or am a cold person in general. I just don't.
And I didn't cry during the immediate aftermath of the news reporting his death. I continued watching the coverage for about 20 minutes and then got up out of my chair and walked out the door. I was confused and my adrenaline was pumping. I just walked and walked. I eventually found a park bench and sat there trying to quantify what the hell was going on and I stayed there for a good hour or so before eventually walking to my girlfriends house and watching more coverage there with her and her sister.
The next day I didn't have the luxury of moping around the house feeling sorry for myself. I was to be the best man at my friends wedding in 3 days. We had guests from America arriving in Syros (a Greek island where the wedding was taking place and where I live now (I'm an English expat) ) and I had to be on the top of my game to make sure everyone was happy and sorted and that everything was on schedule and on plan.
I decided to wear a Michael Jackson T-Shirt I had bought only a couple of weeks before on E-Bay as my way of proudly supporting Michael and...well..I guess it just felt right to wear it.
I went to get my friend (the groom) from his house to go down town (he's American but owns a house on the island) and he was playing Off The Wall (a lot of people around the world seemed to react to his passing by sticking his records on) while doing some painting. We sat there and had a beer and talked about Michael and his legacy.
My friend is not a hardcore MJ fan but enjoys his music and respects his contributions and also feels that the media crucification of him has been appalling so we talked candidly about him without me having to explain or defend Michael in any way which was thankful.
A lot of people asked me about my T-Shirt and how I felt about Michael's passing. (dumb question but I get the sentiment) and in some ways I started to regret wearing it because I realized that I had put a magnet on my chest for people to question me about it. And maybe at that time I didn't feel like constantly going over the subject. A lot of bars were playing his music and I was happy that people were dancing to it and in there own way celebrating Michael's life through his music.
It wasn't until I went home that night that I sat there and tears started rolling down my face. This surprised me. As I said before I'm not the type. But the grief got to me in the end and I couldn't help it. He was gone. And I felt at that moment like somebody had finally slammed the door of my childhood firmly in my face.
Since then I have done much better. Yes, it hurts. Yes, I am sad. And yes, I am still in a grieving process. What's more I know that this grieving process is changing all the time and that we are not at the end of it yet.
I wanted to relay my experiences over the last two weeks partly because I feel it is therapeutic to talk to fans like me that, let's be honest, are the only ones who TRULY understand how important this is to me and to share with other people our grief and the ways we all DIFFERENTLY deal with it.
The media is still having it's banquet on the news. Dragging up everything negative they can with one hand and "telling" us what a legend he was with the other hand because they have had a backlash from people who are sick and tired of them constantly trying to destroy him even after he is gone.
It's almost funny how hard they try to put Michael's overarching legacy in to small sound bites and paragraphs as if they have any understanding of how many lines Michael crossed and that his true legacy is perhaps unquantifiable.
Look, all of us are in a sort of limbo at the moment. We're waiting for autopsy reports and possible criminal trials and the media refuse to stop whipping up storm after storm after storm.
There is no way for ANY of use to get a true grip on our grief and emotions at this time. We have to stop being so hard on ourselves and give ourselves TIME.
This is not the time to be rushing to doom and gloom scenarios about how we are going to cope for the rest of our lives. Will it ever be the same with Michael gone? No, of course not.
But you WILL feel better. Some people feel guilty and don't even want to feel better because they feel like that would be disrespectful to the one who has passed but this is not the case at all.
If you have not read through this before I want people to read this now:
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html
These are the classic stages of grief. This is not a road map. And people are different but it is safe to say that we land on different parts of it and that grief evolves in stages. Eventually you will stop feeling hopeless and depressed.
Thoughts of suicide are dangerous and if you do feel that way you NEED TO STEP BACK and take stock of the situation.
Throwing ones life away is not the answer to your grief. You don't get a do over.
It's still very raw right now. Remember that. None of us are in the position to truly measure how we will be in a week or a month for now.
My E-Mail address is -- Mentalist@live.com
If you feel like you need somebody to talk to day or night then you add me and I will be more than happy to talk to you about anything you want.
Michael has the greatest and most caring fans in the world. Now is the time for us to come together and support each other and uphold Michael's legacy.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you are suicidal or just heavily depressed then SEE A DOCTOR. There is no shame in asking for anti-depressant drugs and counselling.
We are a strong community and TOGETHER we will get through this and the pain will fade.
I will write more but I have let this get a bit long already. I never did learn how to condense my thoughts!
I will update and respond soon.
Until then Keep The Faith and stay strong.
You may not know me from these boards but I have been active in the MJ Fan scene for a long while and used to post a lot at Mjnewsonline. I'm also a video editor who has made a number of Michael Jackson mix videos that have been well received over the years (under my other moniker of Mentalist) Perhaps you have seen one yourself?
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x23m8g_michael-jackson-synergy-mix-remaste_fun
Anyhow, I started searching for where most fans had congregated after Michael's passing and remembered this forum and that I had registered here some time back.
Reading the desperation and suffering of so many fans here which for some has even caused them to contemplate committing suicide has shocked and worried me. I felt that I had to say something to all the fans who are not dealing well with the grief of MJ's death.
I am not a healthcare professional and claim no knowledge of that type of thing but I just want to talk a little about what has happened and more importantly how we are all reacting to it. And maybe in the process it can provide a little comfort for those who are still feeling alone and like nobody understands why they feel so bad (non MJ fans) and whether the pain of losing our Star will ever lessen.
I was sitting watching the BBC when the "Breaking News" alert flashed up on the screen declaring in stark red letters that Michael Jackson was being rushed to hospital for a suspected cardiac arrest. I didn't have any outburst at this shocking development that was now being read out by the news caster but I felt my body tense up all over. They were reporting that TMZ had broken the story which I would usually scoff at but I knew there must be something to it because it was now on the BBC and they are not going to be putting breaking news alerts up for every sensationalist story that hits the gossip sites.
In truth even before I booted up my laptop and got to TMZ (I was still watching the BBC) I knew he was gone. I don't know why I "knew" it but I just did.
It took an agonizing 1 or so hours before the first reports that he had in fact passed away hit the news wire and it started to become all too real.
A myriad of thoughts ran through my head. Ones for his family. For him. And for me.
This wasn't meant to happen.
That's the only running motif that went through my mind.
Now, I'm not a big crier. I don't think I've cried since my grandmothers funeral (and I wasn't bawling then) back when I was 18 (I'm 25 now). Not because I care less or am a cold person in general. I just don't.
And I didn't cry during the immediate aftermath of the news reporting his death. I continued watching the coverage for about 20 minutes and then got up out of my chair and walked out the door. I was confused and my adrenaline was pumping. I just walked and walked. I eventually found a park bench and sat there trying to quantify what the hell was going on and I stayed there for a good hour or so before eventually walking to my girlfriends house and watching more coverage there with her and her sister.
The next day I didn't have the luxury of moping around the house feeling sorry for myself. I was to be the best man at my friends wedding in 3 days. We had guests from America arriving in Syros (a Greek island where the wedding was taking place and where I live now (I'm an English expat) ) and I had to be on the top of my game to make sure everyone was happy and sorted and that everything was on schedule and on plan.
I decided to wear a Michael Jackson T-Shirt I had bought only a couple of weeks before on E-Bay as my way of proudly supporting Michael and...well..I guess it just felt right to wear it.
I went to get my friend (the groom) from his house to go down town (he's American but owns a house on the island) and he was playing Off The Wall (a lot of people around the world seemed to react to his passing by sticking his records on) while doing some painting. We sat there and had a beer and talked about Michael and his legacy.
My friend is not a hardcore MJ fan but enjoys his music and respects his contributions and also feels that the media crucification of him has been appalling so we talked candidly about him without me having to explain or defend Michael in any way which was thankful.
A lot of people asked me about my T-Shirt and how I felt about Michael's passing. (dumb question but I get the sentiment) and in some ways I started to regret wearing it because I realized that I had put a magnet on my chest for people to question me about it. And maybe at that time I didn't feel like constantly going over the subject. A lot of bars were playing his music and I was happy that people were dancing to it and in there own way celebrating Michael's life through his music.
It wasn't until I went home that night that I sat there and tears started rolling down my face. This surprised me. As I said before I'm not the type. But the grief got to me in the end and I couldn't help it. He was gone. And I felt at that moment like somebody had finally slammed the door of my childhood firmly in my face.
Since then I have done much better. Yes, it hurts. Yes, I am sad. And yes, I am still in a grieving process. What's more I know that this grieving process is changing all the time and that we are not at the end of it yet.
I wanted to relay my experiences over the last two weeks partly because I feel it is therapeutic to talk to fans like me that, let's be honest, are the only ones who TRULY understand how important this is to me and to share with other people our grief and the ways we all DIFFERENTLY deal with it.
The media is still having it's banquet on the news. Dragging up everything negative they can with one hand and "telling" us what a legend he was with the other hand because they have had a backlash from people who are sick and tired of them constantly trying to destroy him even after he is gone.
It's almost funny how hard they try to put Michael's overarching legacy in to small sound bites and paragraphs as if they have any understanding of how many lines Michael crossed and that his true legacy is perhaps unquantifiable.
Look, all of us are in a sort of limbo at the moment. We're waiting for autopsy reports and possible criminal trials and the media refuse to stop whipping up storm after storm after storm.
There is no way for ANY of use to get a true grip on our grief and emotions at this time. We have to stop being so hard on ourselves and give ourselves TIME.
This is not the time to be rushing to doom and gloom scenarios about how we are going to cope for the rest of our lives. Will it ever be the same with Michael gone? No, of course not.
But you WILL feel better. Some people feel guilty and don't even want to feel better because they feel like that would be disrespectful to the one who has passed but this is not the case at all.
If you have not read through this before I want people to read this now:
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html
These are the classic stages of grief. This is not a road map. And people are different but it is safe to say that we land on different parts of it and that grief evolves in stages. Eventually you will stop feeling hopeless and depressed.
Thoughts of suicide are dangerous and if you do feel that way you NEED TO STEP BACK and take stock of the situation.
Throwing ones life away is not the answer to your grief. You don't get a do over.
It's still very raw right now. Remember that. None of us are in the position to truly measure how we will be in a week or a month for now.
My E-Mail address is -- Mentalist@live.com
If you feel like you need somebody to talk to day or night then you add me and I will be more than happy to talk to you about anything you want.
Michael has the greatest and most caring fans in the world. Now is the time for us to come together and support each other and uphold Michael's legacy.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you are suicidal or just heavily depressed then SEE A DOCTOR. There is no shame in asking for anti-depressant drugs and counselling.
We are a strong community and TOGETHER we will get through this and the pain will fade.
I will write more but I have let this get a bit long already. I never did learn how to condense my thoughts!
I will update and respond soon.
Until then Keep The Faith and stay strong.
