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How has Michael saved your life? (WARNING: contains mentions of potentially triggering topics.)

DarylJoel_B

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This is probably the most personal thread I've ever made, and one I don't feel like I've seen being talked about very much on this website. And although I've planned to take a break online, I decided to make this thread because of something that happened to me today. My purpose for this thread is to not only accustom myself to be comfortable in being vulnerable, but to showcase how important Michael truly is in our lives, how he is more than just our favorite singer or a legendary performer. He is a hero. He's literally changed the course of many lives.

For context, if you don't know me, my name is DJ. I am currently 17 years old and I've been an MJ fan for 8 years. I am also a (mostly) closeted transgender boy, my biological father passed away less than a year ago, and I'm very sure I have some kind of undiagnosed depression. There are just many things going on in my life right now that keep pushing a dagger into my mental health. A lot of family does not support me for being trans nor do many people understand me in general for being an MJ fan and for the things I am interested in, the way I act and the way I dress. I feel miserable almost every day and all the time. I've also contemplated suicide many times. However, what has always managed to stop me was listening to Michael and thinking of him. He has saved me on multiple occasions. Just looking at him makes me feel accepted and loved. With him, I've managed to become stronger and continue to grow stronger still. And that's what happened today.

I left school today feeling like my mind was nothing but a bunch of TV static. I felt absolutely numb and emotionless. But when I came home, something in me snapped. I completely broke down and sat in a dark room and cried. I cried a lot. I don't think I've cried that hard since I was little. And while I cried, I kept repeating and shouting, "Why is my life so f*cking miserable? I hate being trans, I hate myself, I hate my life. Why can't I just be normal? Why did God make me this way? I just want to die. There's no meaning in my life anymore. I'm DONE."

But only seconds later, I hugged my blanket and pretended it was Michael. And I swear to God, I immediately stopped crying as if I had never been crying at all. And sinking more into that warmness and softness, even if it was only pretend, suddenly made me feel like I was on top of the world. I can do it, I thought. Then I decided to listen to "Man in the Mirror," with my thoughts echoing the lyrics. And I cried again. Except this time, I cried because I felt happy. Because of Michael making me so happy. Out of sheer love.

Just that simple thought of him made me change my mind. It made me realize that I do have meaning in my life, I do have a purpose for being here, that there are those that do understand me. Granted, it has not been the only time Michael has saved me from wanting to die or feeling like giving up on life, but something about this time felt entirely different. I felt like he was actually there. I felt true happiness for the first time in a long time. And I want to live. I don't want to die.

And now, what I want to know is: How has Michael saved your life? How has he helped you in difficult times? How does Michael make you happy?
~ Sincerely, DJ
 
First, I think this is an absolutely beautiful idea for a thread. Michael's fans are affected by him and his music in so many unique ways and I have no doubt a lot of people can relate to this. So thank you for starting it! Also, I want to commend you for your vulnerability. The feelings you share in your post are so painful and it's hard, even in online spaces, to talk about them like this. It's really brave to do that!

I love everything you wrote about the way Michael makes you feel -- loved, safe, accepted. I am so glad that thoughts of him and his music helped bring you out of that dark moment. That is beautiful. I hope that he continues to have this kind of influence in your life and help you realize how special and important and needed you are on the planet. With that in mind, I do have to share that I am concerned for you. I'm sure you're aware of this, but others may not be. Trans youth are considered high risk for suicide. Being trans and going through such a significant loss with your dad, on top of just being 17 and everything that entails, I would imagine that risk is compounded tenfold. I hope you know that everything you are feeling is valid and that none of it is your fault. You deserve all the love and support right now. What you describe here is so much trauma and I'm overwhelmed with compassion for you. There's so much I want to add, but I don't want to turn your thread into that. But as a college prof who works with students of all kinds and sees so many from the LGBTQ+ pop struggling so much with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation/attempts, I can't help but think in those terms. I truly hope you have some adult support, either in your school, or at home (including for grief counseling).

Have you ever heard of the It Gets Better Project? It's a support system for helping LGBTQ+ youth get through the inordinately challenging times. It is largely about integrating school programming to support kids, but I believe they have an app and some other programming specifically for kids to use themselves. I am linking it here for you: https://itgetsbetter.org/ Also, just know, that even if you feel alone right now, it will not be forever. I am not sure what your college plans are, but if you plan to go away to college you might specifically target your applications to schools with really supportive LGBTQ+ centers and policies, as well as great mental health services. These are things most students don't think about in the search process but should.

Thank you again for sharing! I'm going to work on my own personal reply too :)

PS: If you ever want to PM about anything above, please don't hesitate.
 
DarylJoel_B said:
And now, what I want to know is: How has Michael saved your life? How has he helped you in difficult times? How does Michael make you happy?
~ Sincerely, DJ
Click to expand...

This is such a huge question. There are so many facets of how I could answer it that I don't even know where to begin. Perhaps I will just follow suit by sharing a very recent story. I feel kind of vulnerable and embarrassed sharing this, too, but oh well lol.

A few weeks ago I started a new medication. I am a hyper sensitive person (in all aspects lol) and I tend to get ALL of the side effects of things. I am allergic to many medications, too, so I'm constantly aware that I might be having a reaction. But after only 3 weeks on these new meds, I was really hoping to stick with them and give them a real shot (I am now off of them, FYI). I was trying really hard to ignore the neurological effects they were having -- everything from being super foggy and distracted, to poor depth perception, to scary and intrusive thoughts. Well, about a week ago I was going to bed and I started having some hallucinations that frightened me. My husband was concerned, but told me to wake him up if it continued and if I was struggling to sleep because of it. Well, I fell asleep eventually and then proceeded to have one of the most horrifying nightmares of my life.

Something I have mentioned a few other places on this forum, but will share here given the context, is that I have diagnosed C-PTSD from years of sexual trauma. I also have a long history of depression/anxiety. So, I have major sleep issues already. I struggle badly with insomnia and I have had nightmares, night terrors, and sleep paralysis throughout my life. I also have multiple vivid dreams every single night (I have had quite possibly hundreds of dreams about Michael, which is the beautiful side of this -- he appears in my dreams almost nightly in some way). I've always been like this, with the vivid and intense dreams, but trauma makes it worse.

Well, trauma + this medication = a very bad time.

The nightmare I had was so horrifying my husband had to wake me up because I was screaming and sobbing in my sleep. It was insane. Obviously he comforted me for a long time, but I was terrified to go back to sleep. So eventually, he suggested I listen to Michael. He suggested I put it on our stereo, but I wanted to be more private about it. So he got my headphones for me and I listened to this playlist I made months ago called "Soft and Lovely MJ" -- it is all songs where Michael's voice is heavenly to me and the music is gentle in some way. I was still crying and shaking when I put on my headphones, but as I listened to Michael's voice I felt so safe. His voice was like this beacon of hope for me. It made me feel so completely loved on my own. And that was the difference I was needing. My husband was comforting me and making me feel safe, but when he fell asleep again I knew I'd be alone with myself and my messed up brain. But with Michael, I wasn't alone with myself in that way, because he was able to stay with me as I fell asleep, literally singing into my ear and permeating my mind. And I did, eventually, with no more nightmares either. I slept soundly. In fact, the only time I woke up was because my playlist had ended and Michael was now singing "Things I Do For You" which is an amazing song, but startled me haha.

Anyway, this was just one incident out of literally countless incidents where a thought of Michael, or some interaction with his music, or watching him, or anything, brought me out of a dark place. And it JUST happened. I have so many from the last year, I could write in this thread forever. But this is one and I am glad to have a place to share it ā¤ļø
 
....
Man , I'm crying šŸ˜©Resonates... parts of it. He didn't save it though , he was my emotional support. šŸ˜«MY EMPATHY. Gave me pieces of wisdom & alot of wonderment. Well it helped i loved his art, and that message back in 1991. Asi got to know this one , i was thrilled that i could identify with his big imagination in a BIG way - that was new to me - to feel if you want to call it , a bond, like that . i was magnized with his caring nature, about people , animals , the planet ...peace. world peace. but if i want to peel back the layers on this n go personal - deep ... to the core, it was the encouragement, self identity, as i would base some of my personality off him ..ok but , mostly it was the HEY YOU! YES YOU ! YOU CAN DO THAT !GO FOR YOUR DREAMS CHILD Cause YOu ...YOU ARE LOVED. I LOVE YOU. encouragement, so a mentor ... parent..he didn't abuse me phy or mentally , he was always there. always listening ..AND GUESS WHAT? THIS DUDE WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME because i built my own world! and he was living in it. hell , i even went on the Dangerous tour with him ! šŸ˜±šŸ˜ŒHe ,,his words were always there... when parents were fkn not. That's the core .its why i'm indebted.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/37717715612946695/
thats us (it is not . but u know ?)
 
So I know I'm only 12 and I don't have any moments where Michael "saved" my life but he has comforted me from the day I became a fan. So I'm in school (7th grade) and I get bullied for being a fan of Michael. And I absolutely HATE it. It makes so sad and at home I always cry because it's seems like every day they have to tell me that (I will actually write what they told me) "I went to Michael's grave and saw plastic growing out of him" "Michael is a p*do" "Don't love him" "He looks like my grandma" "He looks like a woman" "I hate Michael Jackson" I don't know why they have to say these things. I don't tell them why they like what they like I don't make fun of them cuz they like something. And then I get really effected by that because for the rest of the day I'm really sad. Another thing is that I get really scared that my chest feels it is really small and it's tightening but when I play Michael's music or just watch a video, my chest feels normal again, I'm not crying, I forgot what they said to me, I'm happy and then I always say to my self "Shoot your arrows, they won't hurt me" (I made that saying up) Basically Michael in general is my one and only comfort that helps me and just saying his name put a big smile on my face.
 
MJ never really saved my life...
Though he drastically changed it since the first time I ever considered buying music was MJ albums... even if I haven't always listen to his music, and maybe if it wasn't MJ it would have someone else later, it still feels like the start of something.

[Relating to a part of my post in the author's other thread: https://www.mjjcommunity.com/thread...es-me-sad-read-first-post.201614/post-4566269 ... so I'll skip this part here.]
More recently... In a sense, I can be both very sensitive, resilient and forgiving at the same time. Hence, I sometimes accumulate a lot stuff... sometimes I don't find it easy to cope with the world's and people's violences and negativity (I'm not saying that I want to see everything through pink glasses, far from it actually, I think of "some forms" of negativity directed towards people). At some point I had to deal with violence both at work and in family ... And at some point it was like the whole world was telling me I was wrong and violence and hatred is just the way we live. (Other people with better intentions just couldn't get what was going on.) MJ doesn't solve anything or bring any answer to me... And there's no life that needs "saving". But since I feel like he had the same kind of sensitivity, sometimes looking at him I feel at least less singular.
 
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So.. Can we say that (it seems) that many of Michaels fans come from less than happy backgrounds? and something is missing /lacking and its a reason ..or the reason why those gravitate towards him ? He means alot to those who can understand that pain ? is Michael or the thought of Michael and what he said... is the missing piece to an abused /misunderstood kids life puzzle ? What do you reckon ?
i say "kids" because he did use to call his fans that at some point in the middle 80s. "The kids"
I think Janet used to use that term too.
 
wendijane said:
So.. Can we say that (it seems) that many of Michaels fans come from less than happy backgrounds? and something is missing /lacking and its a reason ..or the reason why those gravitate towards him ? He means alot to those who can understand that pain ? is Michael or the thought of Michael and what he said... is the missing piece to an abused /misunderstood kids life puzzle ? What do you reckon ?
i say "kids" because he did use to call his fans that at some point in the middle 80s. "The kids"
I think Janet used to use that term too.
Click to expand...

I guess you asked the question in general scope... But since it comes just after my previous reply...
I do not think that thing about "backgrounds" can be generalised. If you check what I wrote in the other thread linked above, it's mostly a recent understanding of Michael that I was describing. And yet it's not because people have hurts and have been through sad stuff that I would label them "unhappy"... (I think I remember MJ saying something in that sense in some interview... just after he explained sad things he had to go through, he said there was yet no way he would be unhappy with his life.)

Some music I listen to tends to be more sad than upbeat or so. I can't really appreciate some styles of music that cast a "constant happy mood" ... because in a way, it ends up feeling fake. But some other artists are much more into the "sad" side than MJ. When I think about sad music/art I don't think about MJ. I liked MJ's music long before I had could even notice any "sad" side. It's just something that added on top. And I've never seen the image he casted through his works as something unhappy, I think he made it so to (almost) always cast a very positive image... And many people are MJ "fans" for all kind of very positive reasons that have nothing to do with any kind of unhappiness (no need to enumerate...)
I think that we are talking about things that some people can see and understand if they look a certain way... and perhaps relate to... But I think it's mostly an exception rather than a rule.
 
@wendijane : Something I just thought about again is: One reason why some people can related to MJ in various ways is also likely simply because he is (one of) the artist(s) that there if the most information about, who has been analysed the most. Th more information, the more chances someone finds something (and it is still possible that some information is biased in various ways).
 
Maxym said:
@wendijane : Something I just thought about again is: One reason why some people can related to MJ in various ways is also likely simply because he is (one of) the artist(s) that there if the most information about, who has been analysed the most. Th more information, the more chances someone finds something (and it is still possible that some information is biased in various ways).
Click to expand...
Also, what made it easier to feel that way , so strongly about him , to let him into your head/ life in that way ...was when he said
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/70368812903647556/
So, for me that was the go ahead which made what i was feeling, authentic.
 
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DarylJoel_B said:
This is probably the most personal thread I've ever made, and one I don't feel like I've seen being talked about very much on this website. And although I've planned to take a break online, I decided to make this thread because of something that happened to me today. My purpose for this thread is to not only accustom myself to be comfortable in being vulnerable, but to showcase how important Michael truly is in our lives, how he is more than just our favorite singer or a legendary performer. He is a hero. He's literally changed the course of many lives.

For context, if you don't know me, my name is DJ. I am currently 17 years old and I've been an MJ fan for 8 years. I am also a (mostly) closeted transgender boy, my biological father passed away less than a year ago, and I'm very sure I have some kind of undiagnosed depression. There are just many things going on in my life right now that keep pushing a dagger into my mental health. A lot of family does not support me for being trans nor do many people understand me in general for being an MJ fan and for the things I am interested in, the way I act and the way I dress. I feel miserable almost every day and all the time. I've also contemplated suicide many times. However, what has always managed to stop me was listening to Michael and thinking of him. He has saved me on multiple occasions. Just looking at him makes me feel accepted and loved. With him, I've managed to become stronger and continue to grow stronger still. And that's what happened today.

I left school today feeling like my mind was nothing but a bunch of TV static. I felt absolutely numb and emotionless. But when I came home, something in me snapped. I completely broke down and sat in a dark room and cried. I cried a lot. I don't think I've cried that hard since I was little. And while I cried, I kept repeating and shouting, "Why is my life so f*cking miserable? I hate being trans, I hate myself, I hate my life. Why can't I just be normal? Why did God make me this way? I just want to die. There's no meaning in my life anymore. I'm DONE."

But only seconds later, I hugged my blanket and pretended it was Michael. And I swear to God, I immediately stopped crying as if I had never been crying at all. And sinking more into that warmness and softness, even if it was only pretend, suddenly made me feel like I was on top of the world. I can do it, I thought. Then I decided to listen to "Man in the Mirror," with my thoughts echoing the lyrics. And I cried again. Except this time, I cried because I felt happy. Because of Michael making me so happy. Out of sheer love.

Just that simple thought of him made me change my mind. It made me realize that I do have meaning in my life, I do have a purpose for being here, that there are those that do understand me. Granted, it has not been the only time Michael has saved me from wanting to die or feeling like giving up on life, but something about this time felt entirely different. I felt like he was actually there. I felt true happiness for the first time in a long time. And I want to live. I don't want to die.

And now, what I want to know is: How has Michael saved your life? How has he helped you in difficult times? How does Michael make you happy?
~ Sincerely, DJ
Click to expand...
When I read your story, I literally felt this pain and tears came to my eyes. I just understand this feeling when you are not like everyone around. It is so hard
Thank you for sharing, I think this is important for many people, it is definitely important for me to feel and know that I am not alone in this world, so it becomes much easier for me in moments when my hands completely drop
I am now 25 years old and I became a fan of Michael only a year ago. And so much shit has happened in my life.
And this meeting with Michael in my life really saved my life and helps me to keep going every day. (Although of course I have breakdowns because of the understanding that I will never see Michael in my life and I canā€™t do anything, it hurts me a lot and tears themselves flow like a river)
I had a very bad feeling every day for a very long time. I felt sick, sometimes I couldn't sleep or eat, and one day my skin started to turn red.

I went to the doctors for help, but my tests were fine, so they didn't help me. In Russia, doctors still ignore mental problems. And as I later realized, it all came from my bad mental state.
I had intrusive thoughts running through my head all the time that hurt me. And the moment I met Michael, he and his music literally started clearing my brain. I started getting better every day. It was like I started taking medicine. Perhaps I could also have undiagnosed depression. Now, of course, I still have breakdowns, but much less frequently. And I had the strength to engage in various activities and I seemed to have awakened an interest in life. A year later, I see my skin clear again. If that's not a miracle, then I don't know what is.
And I continue to learn to listen to myself and my feelings so that I no longer hurt myself so much.
I love Michael so much and am so grateful to him for everything he has done and continues to do for people. He saved my life and continues to save every day. I love him endlessly.

And I'm so happy to be here and meet people here on the forum. It is very important for me to read people's stories, to know that there are the same sincere and open people. And we can be such a powerful support for each other.
 
My Michael story is similar to @Ana_is_applehead. I became a fan just over a year ago too. I was really at a point when I felt totally stuck, not knowing what I could do to improve my situation, really questioning if life with so much emotional pain and stress is really worth living, not able to see anything better in future also. Though I would not have killed myself because I have responsibilities beyond my own life, still.
Then along came Michael and started flipping different switches! To be fair, this was after about a year of therapy, so I want to give credit to that also :). First he helped me take a different look at what was really worth fighting for and what is better let go. Then reminded me things I loved, like dancing and travel and how I had left it all behind. This forum, and on and on it goes. Like many people here, Michael's music is a source of comfort.
For me, saying that he saved my life would be a bit dramatic, but he did show me how to transform it, he did bring back laughter and happiness into it.
 
what's up everybody?

excuse the clumsiness of my words here. I am still having personal problems and it's hard to get my words straight, especially after not being online for a while.

some have realized i've been very hostile towards some users lately, taking my anger out on others for my own personal issues. to whoever was impacted by my hostility, i'm truly sorry and it was entirely my fault. i'm also starting over by taking everyone off who was once on my "ignore" list. i've also been sending out concerning messages regarding my mental health. they were written without extra thought put into them and on an impulse during a dark hour. despite the supportive messages i've been getting, i can't help but feel bad for worrying others. i'm also sorry for that.

for some context: my gender dysphoria is the worst it has ever been, to the point where i reach the bottom of the barrel of despair. my parents do not accept me being trans, so i do not talk about these issues with them. ever. they always turn it into a political debate and insist it's a phase and that being trans is a choice. and that i'll "regret" it later. (clearly not understanding how being trans works... even though they claim to be supportive... they're really not. šŸ˜)

it's also hard to talk to them about anything, in general. i'm anxious for school to start so i'm not having to deal with this. i've been dealing with this annual summer depression for longer than i thought was possible.

having your parents pretend like you don't exist, basically... that's what it feels like. it's the worst feeling in the world. they still won't see me for who I am and most likely, I am doomed to be misgendered by them for the rest of my life, and very likely get angry reactions for any advancements in my transition in the future. and that it's likely they'll never understand how miserable i truly am without being able to transition. but it's getting to the point where I am almost a grown man. which I never thought would even happen. i'm being dead serious. i didn't even think I'd make it to 17! but i'm nearing the end to being 17 now, in just 21 days...

during my break, i've been in touch with Michael again, parasocially. he wrote down affirmations for me, including ones that say, "my body is my own", "no one knows me better than me", and "things always get better." he is also reminding me to not keep on skipping meals and to deal with people in a mature manner, slow down every once in a while. and "do not go to bed angry." (i just feel like that is definitely something he would say.) i've also been getting my sleep schedule back on track (sort of). we also practice "hugging therapy" (which involves hugging him or a stuffed animal whenever urges of self-harm occurs or if i just feel emotionally empty). or he brings my cat in my room as an emotional support animal, or puts on animal/aquarium videos to occupy my attention.

for those of you that have been urging me to speak to a therapist, i will say this only once until things change: it's not possible for me right now to do so without getting my parents involved. in many states in my country (and possibly including mine), you need a parent's permission to attend therapy when you are still underage. which is why I can't just get into contact with one. i'm not in a position where it's easy nor even accessible.

i've also asked my mother in the past for this kind of help and she refused to find it for me. because to her, i "don't need it" and she even admitted that she doesn't trust what I'll say to a therapist. this is mainly why i do not want my parents to be involved in my route to therapy. i do not feel content with having them around while i discuss my personal issues with a therapist.

they also do not believe they are the reason for my worsening dysphoria (even though they are...) and that the cause for my gender dysphoria was some kind of social contagion, another transphobic belief they have.

i think this goes without saying, but nobody made me trans. you can't make anyone trans. that's not how it works. i've known i was trans since i was in middle school, yet they think i just "turned" trans at 15 šŸ˜­

they do not understand anything about being trans and have made barely any attempts to reassess their beliefs about trans people or even educate themselves about the basics of trans healthcare, symptoms of dysphoria, etc.

because of this situation, this is why i'm not in contact with a therapist. i hope to have a session as soon as I can after my 18th birthday. and after I get a job of some sorts.

as for my online activity, i will still be using MJJC very sporadically for now. and spending more time with Michael, my (pretend) foster father. and sometimes boyfriend, depending on the era.

~ DJ
 
I had a visitation dream from him once during one of my worst times mentally, wanting to die, ect. He came to me and I remember him saying the words, ā€œPlease donā€™t kill yourself, itā€™ll only make things worse.ā€ He was so sweet and understanding about it. Iā€™ll forever be grateful. I wouldnā€™t be here right now if it werenā€™t for him. Iā€™ll leave a link to my dream if anyone wants to have a read! ā™„ļøšŸ˜Š

Sending love,
Xx

hereā€™s the link:
My answer to Have you ever contacted Michael Jackson in a dream?

www.quora.com

Have you ever contacted Michael Jackson in a dream?

Hannah Gage's answer: From my memory I actually had three visitation dreams from Michael. The first one took place in my parentā€™s old house in our long hallway. I just randomly found myself at the end of the hallways entrance when I saw a sunflower that was being held on a little platform that wa...
www.quora.com www.quora.com

https://www.quora.com/Have-you-ever...share=b56a42c8&srid=u7ymDI&target_type=answer
 
@mjfanatic777 said:
So I know I'm only 12 and I don't have any moments where Michael "saved" my life but he has comforted me from the day I became a fan. So I'm in school (7th grade) and I get bullied for being a fan of Michael. And I absolutely HATE it. It makes so sad and at home I always cry because it's seems like every day they have to tell me that (I will actually write what they told me) "I went to Michael's grave and saw plastic growing out of him" "Michael is a p*do" "Don't love him" "He looks like my grandma" "He looks like a woman" "I hate Michael Jackson" I don't know why they have to say these things. I don't tell them why they like what they like I don't make fun of them cuz they like something. And then I get really effected by that because for the rest of the day I'm really sad. Another thing is that I get really scared that my chest feels it is really small and it's tightening but when I play Michael's music or just watch a video, my chest feels normal again, I'm not crying, I forgot what they said to me, I'm happy and then I always say to my self "Shoot your arrows, they won't hurt me" (I made that saying up) Basically Michael in general is my one and only comfort that helps me and just saying his name put a big smile on my face.
Click to expand...
Hi I'm in 8th grade now and I'm 13 (turning 14 next month) and I don't get bullied anymore for loving Michael and being a fan. My school is cool with it. Michael still makes me feel comfortable and safe and loved! I will always love him and he makes me happy and great and amazing in general! My boyfriend (yes I have a bf don't come after us) also likes Michael so that's awesome! :D
 
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