DarylJoel_B
Inactive
I'm not even joking y'all.
My life is spiraling out of control. And being chronically online is only making it worse. I no longer feel happy here the way I used to. As a matter of fact, I feel more alone than ever.
I've came here and made myself an account to find freedom of expression for myself and escapism from my (and I honestly don't know how else to describe it) shitty life and I've been judged by other MJJC members for being vulnerable and honest about my love for Michael and how he has helped me be comfortable with things such my sexual orientation, my gender identity, being candid about my mental health, and not having to adhere to what other people want from me, do what makes me happy. Ironically, in a place where you would expect one fan to another to understand why one would feel attracted to Michael, no matter what gender you are. But instead, I'm being judged for all those things.
I've been told that my attraction to Michael is "gross" and that I'm "crazy", had been implicitly called a pervert basically, just for admitting I have a crush on Michael. (even though i'm clearly not the only one who feels that way about him.
and it felt really discriminatory. because this person wasn't saying this to or about any of the heterosexual women here who are candid about their attraction to michael here every day. just to and about me.)
Another time I was told that I was "annoying" for talking about how much I loved him in the romantic sense because "he's just a guy." Normally, I'd expect non-fans to say that to me, someone who wouldn't understand my attachment to Michael at all. Not other fans. Who, to many, Michael is definitely not "just a guy" to them. To me, this particular experience didn't feel like it was out of a place of aversion to my romantic preferences, but I still felt embarrassed over myself afterwards. I remember crying and feeling like God should punish me for my gayness. Just for loving someone. That I'm disgusting, filthy, dirty, and inherently perverted, just like many homophobes have tried to make me and the LGBTQ+ community seem like and have tried to portray us for decades, even centuries. Even in today's world, people still have this mindset where they think that being gay = being abnormal and being sinful. And when we're open and honest about ourselves, we're condemned to silence and told that we need to stop talking about it.
I will not call out the particular users who have told me these things by name, since I've already held them both accountable for their comments on my own terms and one of them was even told off and given a warning by staff for their comments. I also do not wish for anyone to be harassed or to start another useless public feud.
Nevertheless, these experiences have been incredibly harrowing, disappointing and ironic that others would say these things to me, considering this is an MJ FAN FORUM. To me, this is a place where you would expect acceptance from others and a sense of community over a love for Michael. But instead, I feel like such a fish out of water because I'll never fit in with anybody else. That I'm a problem and that I make others uncomfortable just for being myself. And I'm tired of feeling that way.
I'm a queer + trans MJ fan who is unable to be myself in my own house or even speak my mind against my parents blatantly prejudiced political views, which is why I've been incredibly outspoken here. But now, I feel like I'm unable to be myself with my own community. I don't feel as comfortable as I used to and that I'm suppressing myself once again. And almost every day, I just wish I could bury myself alive drowned in my tears. That's how horrible it feels. When the people who you trust to listen to you and understand you end up judging you, othering you, and making you feel small because you're different.
On the contrary, to the ones who have NOT made me feel that way, even gotten close to me, and even just through thread messages, you all have been beautiful and wonderful. You saved me from a potential crisis when I first made my account. I love you. But MJJC is just not the same safe haven as it used to be for me anymore. I used to think that I couldn't possibly live without it, but now, things are changing. I'm moving on from people's toxicity and to bigger and better things, starting tomorrow, and starting with myself. I may log in just occasionally every now and then since I have close friends here, so I'm not quitting permanently. But I'm definitely not spending every day here anymore. It's making my already fragile mental health even worse. And starting in September, I will focus better on school, finding my first job, finding a real relationship and removing negative energy from my life.
May your life be beautiful and God bless you.
~ DJ
My life is spiraling out of control. And being chronically online is only making it worse. I no longer feel happy here the way I used to. As a matter of fact, I feel more alone than ever.
I've came here and made myself an account to find freedom of expression for myself and escapism from my (and I honestly don't know how else to describe it) shitty life and I've been judged by other MJJC members for being vulnerable and honest about my love for Michael and how he has helped me be comfortable with things such my sexual orientation, my gender identity, being candid about my mental health, and not having to adhere to what other people want from me, do what makes me happy. Ironically, in a place where you would expect one fan to another to understand why one would feel attracted to Michael, no matter what gender you are. But instead, I'm being judged for all those things.
I've been told that my attraction to Michael is "gross" and that I'm "crazy", had been implicitly called a pervert basically, just for admitting I have a crush on Michael. (even though i'm clearly not the only one who feels that way about him.
and it felt really discriminatory. because this person wasn't saying this to or about any of the heterosexual women here who are candid about their attraction to michael here every day. just to and about me.)Another time I was told that I was "annoying" for talking about how much I loved him in the romantic sense because "he's just a guy." Normally, I'd expect non-fans to say that to me, someone who wouldn't understand my attachment to Michael at all. Not other fans. Who, to many, Michael is definitely not "just a guy" to them.
To me, this particular experience didn't feel like it was out of a place of aversion to my romantic preferences, but I still felt embarrassed over myself afterwards. I remember crying and feeling like God should punish me for my gayness. Just for loving someone. That I'm disgusting, filthy, dirty, and inherently perverted, just like many homophobes have tried to make me and the LGBTQ+ community seem like and have tried to portray us for decades, even centuries. Even in today's world, people still have this mindset where they think that being gay = being abnormal and being sinful. And when we're open and honest about ourselves, we're condemned to silence and told that we need to stop talking about it.I will not call out the particular users who have told me these things by name, since I've already held them both accountable for their comments on my own terms and one of them was even told off and given a warning by staff for their comments. I also do not wish for anyone to be harassed or to start another useless public feud.
Nevertheless, these experiences have been incredibly harrowing, disappointing and ironic that others would say these things to me, considering this is an MJ FAN FORUM. To me, this is a place where you would expect acceptance from others and a sense of community over a love for Michael. But instead, I feel like such a fish out of water because I'll never fit in with anybody else. That I'm a problem and that I make others uncomfortable just for being myself. And I'm tired of feeling that way.
I'm a queer + trans MJ fan who is unable to be myself in my own house or even speak my mind against my parents blatantly prejudiced political views, which is why I've been incredibly outspoken here. But now, I feel like I'm unable to be myself with my own community. I don't feel as comfortable as I used to and that I'm suppressing myself once again. And almost every day, I just wish I could bury myself alive drowned in my tears. That's how horrible it feels. When the people who you trust to listen to you and understand you end up judging you, othering you, and making you feel small because you're different.
On the contrary, to the ones who have NOT made me feel that way, even gotten close to me, and even just through thread messages, you all have been beautiful and wonderful. You saved me from a potential crisis when I first made my account. I love you. But MJJC is just not the same safe haven as it used to be for me anymore. I used to think that I couldn't possibly live without it, but now, things are changing. I'm moving on from people's toxicity and to bigger and better things, starting tomorrow, and starting with myself. I may log in just occasionally every now and then since I have close friends here, so I'm not quitting permanently. But I'm definitely not spending every day here anymore. It's making my already fragile mental health even worse. And starting in September, I will focus better on school, finding my first job, finding a real relationship and removing negative energy from my life.
May your life be beautiful and God bless you.
~ DJ
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