Please help... (read first post)

[DarylJoel_B]

I promised all of my friends I'd log out of MJJC for over a week. That was only yesterday, but it feels like a week has already passed.

I promised myself I wouldn't go public with every issue I have in my life, especially coming from a place where my mother has stigmatized my mental health so much that she has condemned me to silence. (And she has often wondered why I flock to random people online instead of her...) But I'm desperate.

It is because everyone here, especially in the months since creating this account, have helped me so much more than she ever has. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was being listened to. And I've nurtured my love for Michael even more in a way I never even thought was possible. I was able to stop suppressing the strong romantic attraction I felt for him (specifically for Jacksons/Off the wall era, where he is closer to my age), with which I shared with no one at all until I joined this forum. I felt understood... Loved. Accepted. Especially when I was told, "Michael loves you so much", and other reassuring comments, by my friends. All the feelings of worthlessness and grueling gender dysphoria (for context to that, i'm transgender. female to male) I felt seemed to disappear completely.

I forgot about the fact that I lived in a household where my mother refused to see me as her son and hear my cries for help. I forgot why I was even miserable at all. I forgot why sometimes I hated school and why I masked my emotions at all. I forgot the trauma of my past relationships. I no longer felt ashamed of my sexuality nor the fact that I was trans. I forgot the feeling of feeling like I was a disappointment to my ultra-conservative family simply because I wasn't who they wanted me to be. I forgot what it felt like to have my feelings of dysphoria invalidated and told that I was just "confused", "you're not a boy", and "now I have to mourn for my daughter", things that hurt me and made me want to die. All of that, I felt like I could finally escape from. I felt like a free man, like I finally escaped from my own prison. I was finally able to utilize Michael as a way to cope and also share it with others, not having to fight my battles alone. I also stopped feeling hurt over my biological father's death and have learned to accept it.

Because of that, I finally felt like I had a reason to wake up in the morning. Imagining waking up next to Michael and knowing he loves me. Being able to have friends who are understanding of the intense love I have for him. Being listened to by many, young and old, on a daily basis. Being able to regain my voice somewhere. Being able to share my thoughts and feelings without being chastised, ignored, or reprimanded. And that's why I'm staying in this fandom until I die. It's been a sanctuary for me. It has helped save my life.

But...

Recently, I have went through another episode of emotionless torture as a cause of my (largely undiagnosed) depression. (I am in a position where I am unable to speak to a therapist or secure a diagnosis.) I don't even know why this occurred. I spoke heavily about not feeling happy, feeling like I wasn't there. And even thinking I was losing my attraction to Michael (although I have retracted this. as far as I'm aware, I'm still just as attracted to him.) I went back to those feelings of grueling dysphoria and feeling so isolated I felt numb. I went back to feeling anxious, afraid of the outside world outside of my room and my fantasy world. I no longer felt comfortable blabbing about my special interests (I'm also autistic, for that context). I just... Completely reverted back to how I used to be before I found support on MJJC. Forcing myself to confront reality and resisted every urge to do what I normally do to cope just out of embarrassment and shame... Succumbing to my intrusive thoughts telling me Michael would not be proud of me (largely in account of that's an actual thing my mother has said to me), that I'm delusional, worth nothing. And now the aftereffects are there. The guilt and shame I felt over not responding to any messages the way I used to and thinking that being here was the problem and that I just needed some rest...

I'm not at all accustomed to asking for favors, and nobody reading this does not have to be obligated to my request. But if you could... I would like to find more people to talk to, and/or for anyone to write something positive for me to look back on, a reminder of why I felt secure here in the first place. I want to reconnect with this forum again and not force myself to stay silent on my pain.

I'm also fighting to triumph over my pain every single day. This place here, is the reason why. And the power of Michael's spiritual presence within me, I thank God that I've managed to survive.

~ DJ

 

[Ana_is_applehead]

Thanks for sharing all of this. It is difficult for me to gather my thoughts together and really say what is needed in such a situation, what a person wants to hear. I thought for a long time why I can not provide moral support to people. This is also my childhood and the society of people among whom I grew up and live. My mother is a wonderful person who fully supports me, but in childhood there was no one near me spiritually, mentally. Nobody listened to me. You know, I was supposed to always be a machine that just needs to give results to people. Even though I was still a child.
I really want to unite with you and with other people. Who feel too much pain in this life.
I think it's really important to remember that you are unique, that it's okay to be different, it's okay to be very sensitive.
Michael really loved all people and especially tried to give more love to those who are in more pain. Just know that you are not alone, I am with you and Michael will always be with you.
I have already said, but I will say it again, I understand you very well and I really hope that soon you will feel better.

 

[staywild23]

Phew, this is hard stuff. First, I am so very sorry that you are experiencing this kind of pain. It's been a couple months since I've been super active on MJJC so I'm not sure what's happened in that time, but I know before I stopped coming around as much you shared some struggles. It makes me happy to know you found some peace and freedom in spending time here. But I'm sad to hear that things are getting much harder for you again. Regardless of what has happened here, or not, I think it is completely understandable that a certain place, or support system, will sometimes do wonders for your life and sometimes just not be enough. That kind of realization is enough to make anyone panic a little bit. But try, please try to give yourself grace. You are dealing with a lot of heavy stuff in your life. Sometimes the joy you get from your MJJC friends, from Michael, from this aspect of your life will be enough to fill you up, and sometimes it will fall short. That is true of all things in life. These things ebb and they flow. That's my experience at least. But nothing in life is permanent. Nothing. And the great thing to remember is that suffering isn't permanent, either. It doesn't magically go away. It needs to be addressed, treated, dealt with properly, etc. But it is not permanent. This too shall pass.

You have so much going on it's hard to know where to begin. So I suppose I will offer you some support in the best way I know how, with a reminder that you are so very special and so completely worthy of love. The struggles you are dealing with - your anxiety, depression, gender dysphoria, grief, etc. - these are all BIG things. But they are not your entire identity either. Who you are, on a human level and on a soul level is much more than any struggle you face.

I know this may be difficult, but I wonder if it might help you to write a couple of positive affirmations about yourself. I know, this might feel cheesy, cringey, uncomfortable, whatever. But sometimes I think it can be helpful to stand back and take a good look at who you truly are, aside from the pain that can feel so all consuming sometimes, and the negative things you are told about yourself, and the things you end up believing about yourself. So why don't you try writing down 5 positive things you know to be true about yourself? If 5 feels like too much, try 3. Or, you know what? Even just 1. Try to identify 1 thing about yourself that you think makes you good, valuable, special, and worthy of love. Just 1 thing. Write it down a few times, say it out loud, whatever. But really try to hold it in your heart and your mind. Try to remember that it is true, regardless of what the inner voice tells you, or any outside voices. To be clear, I am not some huge "affirmations" person. But I thought perhaps it might comfort you to try this if you know (or remember) that Michael did this. He did this all the time as a way of coping and a way of building himself up when he most needed it. Michael believed in it, and so do many other people, so maybe it is worth a try?

I know this can be a difficult task when you are suffering, so why don't I try to help you out? Obviously, I don't know you very well. we've only had some interactions on this forum. But I like to think I'm a pretty observant person, so here are a few things I have observed and I believe to be true about you:

1) You are an extremely kind and empathetic person.
2) You are a very thoughtful person who is highly considerate of other people's comfort and their feelings.
3) You are a passionate person, whose excitement about the things you love is refreshing and unique. Many people cannot identify any passions in life and yet you seem to have many and speak about them with ease. That's beautiful!
4) You are an accepting and tolerant person.
5) You are brave. You are a brave person who isn't afraid to be vulnerable and show your cards sometimes (such a rare quality for so many people).

These are just five things off the top of my head, but they are all things I believe about you based on limited interaction. All of those things make you special, important, and valuable to this world. But it's important to remember that even when you are in your worst place and you don't believe *anything* good about yourself (I am speaking from experience with that kind of feeling), it is important to remember that you deserve love and are worthy of love. Always. Even at your very worst. Even at your most chaotic, or most broken. You are always deserving of love and you are always loved. And you are not alone in this world. T

Finally...a few other suggestions?

• I'm not sure how your anxiety manifests, but have you tried any grounding techniques? These help me when I have panic attacks. I found this article that outlines something similar to what I do: https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/using-the-five-senses-for-anxiety-relie
• Do you journal? Do you have any way of expressing yourself, regularly? If not, you might try journaling every day, or drawing, or doing something expressive where there is no pressure. Lately I have been starting every morning by writing three pages in a notebook. Three pages of totally free-associative thoughts. Something like that may help you unburden some of this pain. But really any kind of regular expression could help.
• Do you do any kind of craft, or tactile hobby? And kind of physical hobby? These things can help settle your mind because they keep you hyper present. If you don't do any kind of art, you could try puzzling, or learning to knit, or gardening. Anything tactile and sensory.
• Do you do any kind of physical activity? For the last 3 months I've been walking 1-2 times a day, every day, and it has helped my mental health a lot. The physical movement itself helps on a chemical level. One of my favorite things is to walk and listen to MJ, or MJCast episodes (although I occasionally listen to non-MJ things, but where's the fun in that? lol).

I realize that all of my suggestions require a certain amount of action and that action can be extremely difficult during bouts of depression. Please remember you are not a failure if you find yourself unable to do these things, or if you can only do the bare minimum each day. Sometimes survival is the only win and that's ok too. But just remember that you are WORTH the effort. You are worth it. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself and nurture yourself. If it helps you to try to view yourself through someone else's eyes (including Michael's) that is fine. But find that sense of love and compassion for yourself and make an effort each day to do something loving for yourself.

I'm not sure if any of this will help. If nothing else I hope this message will just remind you that you are not alone and that you matter

Sending you all the love I have