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wishing for death?

raingirl

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I'm afraid that there is something more wrong with me than I have believed. It migh be just coincidence or I'm thinking too much of it...
I might have a subconscious death wish. If there is such a thing.
I almost caused a car crash today. Maybe it wasn't my fault but still... I was changing lanes (to the right, going 75-80kilometers/h), I put the turn signal on, changed to the middle of the right lane and then prosesseed going to the furtests right lane... I supposed I juts kept looking ff, view mirror and to my left and didn't look to my right at all... I just thought I didn't need to give way. I started to turn the wheel again and I look to my right and there is another car, I'm almost hitting its side, so I turn the wheel to the left a bit and the car goes past me, then it changed to to lane I was on. I then changed to the right and excit to the ramp.
I was sweatting and scared.
I think it was a wake up call. I think I've had those touch-and-go situations like 3-4 in the past 3 weeks when driving. This was the worst. My mind is somewhere else.
I wonder if this has to do with Michael's passing. It's finally starting to sink in for good. Maybe I shouldn't drive for sometime but I know I have to...
 
Please....I know it's a very sad time and that you're hurting badly, but try your hardest to stay calm and focused.

I can understand your feelings completely but secretly wishing for death to take you isn't the answer. It was Michaels time to go whether or not we are ready to accept that fully. We'll all go someday but it's not our decision to make when that will be.

Also, please think about the other innocent people who are out there and be as careful as you can be when you're on the road.

Try to focus on the happiness Michael brought to your life and not only that, but make every effort to be a source of happiness and inspiration for other people who are here with us now.

Blessings and joy to you.
 
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Like I said I think I had a wake up call. I will have to focus.
The thing is that I haven't thought that I could be in such a state that I am not focused. I wasn't dreaming of Michael or anything like that, but surely he is on my mind a lot these days.
 
I have this problem too I can't stay focused...I've felt like this before, when I lost people close to me and I was emotionally distraught...it's normal to feel like this but it's not a death wish you just can't stay focused, you're somewhere else mentally. you will get better after a while, the last time I felt like this it took me about 2 months to get back to my old self
there was an accident yesterday where I live, I live close to a big boulevard. there was so much agitation and noise but I was totally unfazed, I'm usually so sensitive I can't stand to see people getting hurt or suffering in any way but yesterday I felt like I was watching a movie, I couldn't feel anything inside...I'll probably get better after a while but right now this is how I feel sort of the same thing you feel
 
I just remembered now that I was thinking about it...I almost got hit by a car 4 years ago,when I was going through a similar period. I was walking down the street without looking left and right and I stepped right in front of a car, I managed to avoid it but it was so close it scared me so bad. I immediately snapped out of the mood I was in and I said I have to stop thinking about my problems when I'm going outside or else I'm gonna get killed, it's things like this that help you wake up
 
It's maybe time for professional help. Please tell your doctor, or try to find a councelor or at least start with talking to your family about these things happening.
This is going to far, you're not only risking your own life what would be precious enough already but you're also risking to hurt others or even kill them.
There's nothing to lose in asking someone professional for their advice and it will always be you who will decide how to go on and all that. I promise you, you'll feel better afterwards. Sometimes things do just get too much to be helped only by ourselves and this is serious.
 
hi, please go see a doctor or health professional asap! and i would recommend not driving for the time being because obviously something is wrong and youre not being able to concentrate behind the wheel. driving is dangerous enough without a driver being distracted. please dont delay because there is a good possibility if you continue you could not only injure (or worse) yourself but another completely innocent driver (s)
 
Please go see someone. I have been in therapy for a while for depression but two weeks after Michaels death during a session I broken down over Michael's. It felt strange and silly out of place for my life and the things I was dealing with. However once I was able to settle down and we could start really talking the therapist I work with told that they have actually seen a lot of people who have been in therapy and new people who are coming in because Michael death is affecting alot of people in many more ways than one would have thought. She was able to point out to me that it is having a big affect on the whole world look at how long it has remained such a big topic in the news. Look at all of the things that are being done to honor Michaels memory. This was no small event in our world, this was a man who effected all of us in so many ways that nobody thought was possible.

Please seek out help. That one session did so much for me.

Take care
 
i think im on your level on death im not scared anymore i just dont... understand myself either so dark....... and alone like.
 
E-smooth said:
i think im on your level on death im not scared anymore i just dont... understand myself either so dark....... and alone like.
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You know that's the thing. I've always thought that I'm not afraid of death but I might have been. I've always been very careful with everything in life, a sissy if you wanna call. But now it's dawning to me like HEY! you only live once so make the most of it.

I will check out some places for pro help since Michael's death has not been the only negative thing in my life this year. And I've suffered depression before.
 
Maybe this really was a wake up call and you feel that you can focus, but just to be sure, maybe you should lay off the driving for a while. Just as a precaution you know. Because you can only die once, and if that happens, well there's nothing to do about it. It's better to be too careful then the other way around.
Just try to focus as much as you can and don't let your mind wonder off like that.
Maybe you could take the bus for a while or something?
Driving is dangerous enough for a fully awake and focused driver. And the thing is that it's not only your own life your endangering, but also other innocent people on the road. Just be careful, whatever you choose to do.

But really, who am I to tell you what to do? Lately I've thought of death as something good... I'm not suicidal, no way, but it feels like... I don't know, maybe death wouldn't be so bad either? Like, I don't know if I would fight it if it came for me...
Okey, I'm messed up.
But I'm worried about you. None of us should do anything to endanger our own or anyone elses health. Even subconsciously.
 
Mechi said:
It's maybe time for professional help. Please tell your doctor, or try to find a councelor or at least start with talking to your family about these things happening.
This is going to far, you're not only risking your own life what would be precious enough already but you're also risking to hurt others or even kill them.
There's nothing to lose in asking someone professional for their advice and it will always be you who will decide how to go on and all that. I promise you, you'll feel better afterwards. Sometimes things do just get too much to be helped only by ourselves and this is serious.
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I totally agree with Mechi on this one! This is serious. It's not only serious for yourself, but for anyone you might encounter while driving! You need to talk to someone -- family, a counselor, and/or a close friend. It's important that you take care of yourself, and keep talking to us here?

love,

Victoria
 
hi raingirl, i pray for the strength and guidance you will need in the days ahead. dealing with depression is never an easy illness to cope with, and everyone reacts to it differently. but there is help out there and many people do care what happens to you. please let us know how everything goes... hugs!

raingirl said:
You know that's the thing. I've always thought that I'm not afraid of death but I might have been. I've always been very careful with everything in life, a sissy if you wanna call. But now it's dawning to me like HEY! you only live once so make the most of it.

I will check out some places for pro help since Michael's death has not been the only negative thing in my life this year. And I've suffered depression before.
Click to expand...
 
HI raingirl please as Kirsm has stated depression is not easy to deal with just when you think your beating it, it comes at you from a direction you didn't see coming. I completely fell apart in my therapist office over Michael after two weeks of trying to make sense of it by myself and what life means if God could take someone who gave so much to the world and was still in a position to change the world for the better, what did my life mean. I stated this last night she said they are seeing a increase in patients talking about how he affected their life and didn't realize that they were really even paying attention to him. Can you imagine what that is doing to those of us who were paying attention. Please, please, don't be afriad to seek out help. It just means that you are strong enough to face the problems in your life head on and that say alot about you. I would be proud to say I know you for facing it head on
 
ive been feeling well i dont care now if i get cancer or a life threatening illness or i die in a crash or watever.although iam not going to create death for myself iam ready for it.
you on the other hand are maybe trying to cause your death so maybe you need to talk to someone.
 
jr7661 said:
ive been feeling well i dont care now if i get cancer or a life threatening illness or i die in a crash or watever.although iam not going to create death for myself iam ready for it.
you on the other hand are maybe trying to cause your death so maybe you need to talk to someone.
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No no no, I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm the same as you, I'm taking more risks maybe.
 
iam taking a step back from all the tabloid crap,everyone else can discuss it.

how are you feeling now?
it depends on what risks your taking as to wether your trying to push towards self harm.
driving carelessly is also a danger to others so maybe you need to take some time to think about it.
we all have things on our minds and its hard to concentrate at times.
iam just saying that you need to maybe talk to someone to help you.
talking things over can help a lot.
i hope you can understand this cos i dont lol sorry my heads f*****
 
I'm feeling better.
Maybe it was just that I had been staying up too late but waking up early so I was really tired all the time. Now I've had some good nights and I'm better.

I even just applied for a job so I hope I'll get it. Wish me luck. I need something else to occupy my mind besides MJ.
 
I can listen to some music and my mind just goes away, when I "return" I don't remember that I just listened to a specific song, it's scary sometimes. But luckily I don't drive or anything that could harm somebody else then me.

Take care, good luck
 
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