Help - I'm really struggling

[Gonetoosoon]

I can't stop going over in my head the ways I've let Michael down or judged him in the past. I feel like such an idiot. I never ever thought he was a pedophile. Ever. But in the past I've been guilty of judging Michael (about other things) or taking on small facts the media's sensationalist version of who Michael was in his later years. I'm so rapt with guilt it's not funny. I don't understand. I keep analysing every small detail of what I've thought in the past. The stupid thing is I've always loved Michael. Before his death I owned four of his albums/tapes and he was up there with my favourite ever artists. He brought so much happiness and joy into my life with his music, dance and unprecedented kind hearted nature. He's healed my previous racism.. He's changed me and made me into who I am today. He's helped me when I was in the dark and wishing for love. And whilst I've been in love his music has given me a new sense of meaning. Just about every song that I listened to of his I could recite. Since his death I've become literally obsessed with him. My love for him is greater than I ever could have imagined. I used to be a fan of Michael. I wasn't as committed and infatuated like you guys always were. He was just there and I loved him for everything he's given, whilst enjoying his magical music. Now I'm so in love with him.. I can't stop thinking or listening to him. I loved Michael before but now I am at this incredible heightened level.

As I've begun collecting some of the albums of Michael's I didn't get around to buying and as I have immersed myself in this forum, I can't help but analyse my faults in the past. I keep thinking I'm this try hard fan whose jumped on the bandwagon. Which isn't true. But I just don't feel as worthy as you guys to feel how I feel. I don't feel like I deserve to be listening to his music. I feel so guilty. I feel like a hypocrite. Why do I feel like I took Michael for granted? Why didn't I feel this unexplainable love for Michael when he was with us?

I need guidance guys. I really do. Please help me out It's digging at my soul. I feel like a low life.

Helpp

Heal the world

xxx

 

[xo_lola_xo]

You aren't the only one who feels guilty because they appericate Michael now, after his death.

Just know that looking down, Michael will be SO happy to see people like you appericating him now or becoming fans now because that way he knows his legacy and music will live on. He needs new and old fans now as much as he need old fans during the hard times in his life.

Don't feel guilty. Be proud. :flowers:

 

[Gonetoosoon]

You aren't the only one who feels guilty because they appericate Michael now, after his death.

Just know that looking down, Michael will be SO happy to see people like you appericating him now or becoming fans now because that way he knows his legacy and music will live on. He needs new and old fans now as much as he need old fans during the hard times in his life.

Don't feel guilty. Be proud. :flowers:

Thank you for the reply.
Just let me state though however that I've always been a huge fan and been majorly appreciative of Michael - just now it has risen to a real obsession - a good one I haven't suddenly started liking Michael out of the blue. Just clearing that up.

Thanks again for the support and speedy reply.

 

[xo_lola_xo]

Thank you for the reply.
Just let me state though however that I've always been a huge fan and been majorly appreciative of Michael - just now it has risen to a real obsession - a good one I haven't suddenly started liking Michael out of the blue. Just clearing that up.

Thanks again for the support and speedy reply.

Then you have ALWAYS been a fan. There are just different levels. What's to worry about? Michael appericated all his fans, from the ones who like just some songs to those who adore him like family to those who follow him.

 

[Gonetoosoon]

Then you have ALWAYS been a fan. There are just different levels. What's to worry about? Michael appericated all his fans, from the ones who like just some songs to those who adore him like family to those who follow him.

What's to worry about is that I've been wrongly judgmental of Michael in the past. Small things I guess - like for instance his conversion to Islam, the balcony incident. Just small things from over the years which I feel guilty about. I slipped up and it's really hurting, even though it was in the past and I was in a different place. I'm starting to think that I'm a hypocrite, and tonight as I was driving home pumping some 'Invincible' I just got caught up in my negative thinking and its blocked out many of the wonderful things I've felt for Michael. I've been going over in my mind the things I've wrongly felt over the years; however small. I keep analysing whether I loved him as a person or as an entertainer. I hate thinking like this.. GAHHHH why why why am I so caught up in this it's ridiculous

Hope that makes some sense..

 

[xo_lola_xo]

What's to worry about is that I've been wrongly judgmental of Michael in the past. Small things I guess - like for instance his conversion to Islam, the balcony incident. Just small things from over the years which I feel guilty about. I slipped up and it's really hurting, even though it was in the past and I was in a different place. I'm starting to think that I'm a hypocrite, and tonight as I was driving home pumping some 'Invincible' I just got caught up in my negative thinking and its blocked out many of the wonderful things I've felt for Michael. I've been going over in my mind the things I've wrongly felt over the years; however small. I keep analysing whether I loved him as a person or as an entertainer. I hate thinking like this.. GAHHHH why why why am I so caught up in this it's ridiculous

Hope that makes some sense..

It's alright. If it helps, I used to be like that until I became the fan I am today in 2003/2004. You change and you grow. :flowers:

 

[Michelle MC]

I can't stop going over in my head the ways I've let Michael down or judged him in the past. I feel like such an idiot. I never ever thought he was a pedophile. Ever. But in the past I've been guilty of judging Michael (about other things) or taking on small facts the media's sensationalist version of who Michael was in his later years. I'm so rapt with guilt it's not funny. I don't understand. I keep analysing every small detail of what I've thought in the past. The stupid thing is I've always loved Michael. Before his death I owned four of his albums/tapes and he was up there with my favourite ever artists. He brought so much happiness and joy into my life with his music, dance and unprecedented kind hearted nature. He's healed my previous racism.. He's changed me and made me into who I am today. He's helped me when I was in the dark and wishing for love. And whilst I've been in love his music has given me a new sense of meaning. Just about every song that I listened to of his I could recite. Since his death I've become literally obsessed with him. My love for him is greater than I ever could have imagined. I used to be a fan of Michael. I wasn't as committed and infatuated like you guys always were. He was just there and I loved him for everything he's given, whilst enjoying his magical music. Now I'm so in love with him.. I can't stop thinking or listening to him. I loved Michael before but now I am at this incredible heightened level.

As I've begun collecting some of the albums of Michael's I didn't get around to buying and as I have immersed myself in this forum, I can't help but analyse my faults in the past. I keep thinking I'm this try hard fan whose jumped on the bandwagon. Which isn't true. But I just don't feel as worthy as you guys to feel how I feel. I don't feel like I deserve to be listening to his music. I feel so guilty. I feel like a hypocrite. Why do I feel like I took Michael for granted? Why didn't I feel this unexplainable love for Michael when he was with us?

I need guidance guys. I really do. Please help me out It's digging at my soul. I feel like a low life.

Helpp

Heal the world

xxx

It's going to be alright. I'm sure you know that Michael is a forgiving person. He forgives you. I am struggling with guilt too. And I'm not sure what you judged him on and it's not my business, but I'm sure it's not as bad as what I did. I watched his interview with Bashir in 2002, and they talked about the molestation charges of 1993. I believed Michael was innocent, etc. Then I heard about the molestation charges after the interview, then I questioned my judgement, thinking maybe Michael was guilty, because why would another person accuse him. I did not follow his trial. I did hear when he was declared innocent, and I didn't question the jury's judgement, so therefore again I believed he was innocent of the second molestation charges. Also although I did love Michael as a person, especially during that interview, I feel like I let him down, although I liked his music and still him as a person. I didn't know what to think of his innocence the second time. I feel bad about that and I feel bad that I didn't appreciate Michael like I do now. The closest I came was watching the 30th anniversary quite often before Michael's passing, and I knew I loved him as a person. I also knew at some point that it was wrong to question his innocence, but I thought it was only normal because he was charged again, so that it was normal to question him. I still feel like I let him down. I know he forgives me too though, and somehow maybe I wasn't a die hard fan, but I was a fan. I would watch anything about Michael if I knew it was on.
Anyway, do what I did last week, talk to Michael. I talked to him about something(now I forgot) last week and it felt good. I believe he is in Heaven, and his soul is still living and he can see and hear us, so talk to him. It will feel comforting. I wanted to say something quick to him last night, before bed, but I said my prayers first and fell asleep saying them.

 

[jemini515]

...I've always loved Michael. Before his death I owned four of his albums/tapes and he was up there with my favourite ever artists. He brought so much happiness and joy into my life with his music, dance and unprecedented kind hearted nature. He's healed my previous racism.. He's changed me and made me into who I am today. He's helped me when I was in the dark and wishing for love. And whilst I've been in love his music has given me a new sense of meaning.

It sounds like you are a true fan to me and that he has touched your soul in a profound way.

I'm sure you know that Michael is a forgiving person. He forgives you.

I totally agree. It's hard to let go of guilt, but Michael is so forgiving and would not want you to berate yourself.

I too have felt guilt about not joining up with other fans on a message board like this before, and missing important MJ moments, i.e. not traveling to see certain events and things. But I have to let that go and realize I was always committed in my heart, and now am even more so. I'm trying to celebrate his life's work by being a better person and healing the world.... it's hard but I'm trying every day to find meaning...

 

[Ape]

I think it's ok that you didn't agree with everything that Michael did. You can still love someone and not agree with all that they do. Also about believing the media.. really if a person doesn't know any better, it is easy to do. Heck even when we do know better it's easy to slip up and get caught up in the media. It's what it's meant to do. They want you to get caught up in it. Please don't judge yourself over this now. None of us are all knowing .

It's really wonderful to read that he helped you out of racism. I know you are doing things to change your life around for the good (not that your life was bad before.. maybe this came out wrong). I just know you are working at being a help to others in the world and that's a wonderful thing. Don't worry about the past. You have your whole future to shape into what you hold important now. :hug:

 

[Gonetoosoon]

I think it's ok that you didn't agree with everything that Michael did. You can still love someone and not agree with all that they do. Also about believing the media.. really if a person doesn't know any better, it is easy to do. Heck even when we do know better it's easy to slip up and get caught up in the media. It's what it's meant to do. They want you to get caught up in it. Please don't judge yourself over this now. None of us are all knowing .

It's really wonderful to read that he helped you out of racism. I know you are doing things to change your life around for the good (not that your life was bad before.. maybe this came out wrong). I just know you are working at being a help to others in the world and that's a wonderful thing. Don't worry about the past. You have your whole future to shape into what you hold important now. :hug:

Thanks for such a lovely post once again
Always know how to make me feel better!

It sounds like you are a true fan to me and that he has touched your soul in a profound way.



I totally agree. It's hard to let go of guilt, but Michael is so forgiving and would not want you to berate yourself.

I too have felt guilt about not joining up with other fans on a message board like this before, and missing important MJ moments, i.e. not traveling to see certain events and things. But I have to let that go and realize I was always committed in my heart, and now am even more so. I'm trying to celebrate his life's work by being a better person and healing the world.... it's hard but I'm trying every day to find meaning...

Thanks for your post too Keep celebrating and heal the world. We can all do it together!


I feel a lot better than I did several days ago! I can't thank you guys enough for your wonderful posts.