I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this, but I"m trying my best to keep threads organized (which is very hard for me, apparently!).
I'm just thinking more about this question - what is it about Michael? I honestly can't believe I've only been a fan since January because I feel so thoroughly impacted by him and also so completely in love with and in admiration of him that it feels like I've been a fan for my whole life. My feelings about him affect me so deeply and I wish I understood why. I really want to.
Yesterday, all day, I just felt so overwhelmed by how much I adore him. I was listening to his music all day and in between doing work was watching some videos - performances, interviews, etc. I watched the Oprah interview for the 50th time probably, because I just love how sweet he is. I feel so strangely attached to him, not just as an artist and performer, but as a human being. Sometimes I feel like I"m legitimately addicted to him, because I get such a high from watching any content related to him. It's a wonderful feeling and very joyful. It's impacted my life in some really positive ways in terms of my outlook, what is meaningful, how to pursue the things I care about, etc.
But then, the flip side of this -- l was happy all day about him, just feeling extra in love, and then in the evening a crash came for me and I don't even know how or why. I just got really, really, overwhelmingly sad about him. This hasn't happened to me in awhile. But sometimes I just truly can't bear to think about the things he went through. The immense cruelty he faced. How gloriously on top of the world he was and the terrible fall he had. I can't stand thinking about how good of a person he was, or how cute and sweet he was, and knowing he was targeted in so many ways, by so many people. Just aggressively and intentionally misunderstood. I can't stand thinking about not just what the world did to him, but the abuse he experienced, his poor self-perception, the constant ache for love in his life, etc. His suffering is so unique because of how unique his fame was, both in that it lasted an entire lifetime from childhood to adulthood, and that he was the most famous person who ever lived. These are *extremes* no other human being can relate to, even if elements of his life are relatable to some. He was so special and so brilliant. But he was only a human being and somehow that seemed to get lost along the way.
I don't know. I am feeling a little better about it today after teaching and having a good work day. But it's still on my mind. When I get in that deeply sad head space about him, I don't know what to do to get out of it but let it pass through me. It's really hard though. I just care so much. I can't help but wonder if I care too much, you know?
Anyway, no one has to reply to this really. I just wanted a place to express some of these feelings. I have never in my life felt like this about any celebrity or artist, so it's really confusing to me.