Beccabubbles please have faith in that it will get better.
You've not made a big mistake! At times I guess we just need to give the pain the space it demands.
Pain over losing someone can feel that deep and huge that it scares incredible... it at times even feeds fear we can't survive it. Pain is something we feel because it is a part of loving. And we will survive cuz of the love. Pain needs to be lived, it needs its space, it needs its time, it does need to be lived.
To me it helps to just let it go... so maybe that's why you started listening to these songs? The pain needs to get out, it needs to be lived before it one day is not controlling us this much anymore.
The songs mentioned in this thread... gosh I love them nothing could ever keep me away from listening to them, honestly I wouldn't the pain allow this... then again yes the pain in me seems to be connected to these songs in a way also, it's especially then when the pain comes up in me also... but well if that is the way, then that is this way. Let it come. Nothing wrong with it. We have lost Michael out of this life.
For me it's maybe 'easier' than most of you here because ppl 'expect' me to be in pain cuz of my boyfriends passing and I am... but for me I can tell I did let pain go from the very beginning and do still so. I let it take controll over me when I feel it needs to come up.
It's getting better by now the way that I can already controll it for some time maybe even can hide it before I do let it come out. You know I don't like an audience for crying or something but then I leave the place and go somewhere, mostly home, where I can cry, I sometimes even smash things, whatever... till I'm getting tired... till I somehow feel it's getting somewhat easier... or till I just fall asleep.
Don't know if that works with you the same... but just try to let go by intention... yes in listening to certain songs of Michael or something similar... cry, it is deep pain you're feeling and that needs its space... in me it feels since the pain knows I do give it space... it feels more controllable for myself like if the part in me that is pain knows it will get its attention it's not that angry overtaking controll at times anymore.
I don't know if the pain will ever leave us again. It feels for me it needs to be learned to just accept it as a part of me, to give it space and not to ignore it as it would come up then only uncontrollably... yes it is easier for me as ppl can not differ from a distance if it's pain cuz of my boyfriend or cuz of Michaels passing and they do not dare to judge me by that.
Then again I've always felt it's more important how I feel about myself and the person I want to be than what those think who feel the need to judge me.
Have faith becca, Michael has left the love in us. It will prevail in the end always. Just don't fight the pain and also don't try to sit on it somehow. Try to accept yourself the way you feel. Ppl who love you will always understand or at least accept also.
See don't question why you do what you're doing, why you're feeling what you're feeling... it just is this way for now... accept yourself and love yourself, give yourself the time needed... because that is what you need the most now. If you want to listen to a certain song then just do. If the pain comes up then try to let it, try to give it what's needed also... it will get better... love always prevails.
*hugs* to you!!! Keep the faith always!!!
