Did MJ Find Love In The Dark (continued)

[summer]

Actually, Ape, you were one of the people I especially had in mind when I prayed that prayer. You know, I just have to say something: I am so sorry for everything that has happened over these concerts - how heartbreaking. My heart has really been aching for you guys, I couldn't even sleep right.

I have to confess, among my friends, that I had already been a little heartbroken myself because I was not able to go at all. Actually, this has all been a little hard on me. I guess I'm not someone who wears her heart on her sleeve, I tend to keep my feelings in a lot - I was taught you need to keep your feelings to yourself because nobody cares about your problems and whatever happens in your life, just buck up and be strong (who was the brilliant person who came up with that, lol?), I've secretly had such mixed feelings about all this, but I was happy seeing everyone else so happy. But this is not about me (sorry I went off on that little side trip). Fortunately, God is in the business of healing broken hearts; only He can do it really.

I pray that you and everyone else who has been affected will end up with an extra-special blessing. I pray that you will not be forgotten and that things will work out even better for you all in the end than if this had never happened. You all deserve that! We already know that all things work together for good for those who love God, which I know you do (love Him). This has been one of those moments that I've had to remind myself, once again, what I had said earlier, and that is: "Even though we don't understand it, the Father does all things well." I think this would serve as a good example of one of those times, lol!

Well, thank you all for letting me blubber on and on. We will now be returning to our regularly scheduled program ... (lol!)

p.s. I was thinking about you too, Linda, but not because you remind me of Mary Magdelene (although she did have some pretty good qualities as someone mentioned earlier, and if we're all being honest with ourselves, I think we all have to admit that we've lusted in our hearts at some point. Didn't even Jimmy Carter or someone say this? lol!).

This post from back in the day made me cry my eyes out today. IF ONLY there was an ending that could turn out to be ”extra special” for all of us. I don’t know…I guess on some days I’m STILL waiting to ”wake up” to realize it was all just a very very bad dream and Michael is still with us and doing well and we’ll get to see him again and this was all just a bad dream.

Am I the only one who still keeps reading this thread and finds a lot of comfort in it? Like, going back to remember all the fun and laughs we had, all the great, deep discussions on love, all the fun ”theories”, and just sharing all the love we all had and have for Michael? There was so much love here. Am I the only one who still struggles with the fact that MJ is gone? Like it just doesn’t seem fair. Or who struggles with all the ”what ifs”?

I mean, for me, it’s like ”Why didn’t Michael take my letter in London? What if he would’ve taken it and known I’m a nurse who also worked at the OR as an anesthesia nurse? What if I could’ve met him and talked to him and what if he would’ve asked me about Propofol? Maybe I could’ve talked him out of it? Maybe I could’ve helped him?” I just honestly struggle with the fact that I could’ve saved him if I could’ve been there.

And then I go into ”WHY did I reach out to him to try to give him the letter? Maybe he thought I’m a crazy, obsessive fan? (When I was actually just trying to reach as far out as I could so that he could take it without anyone grabbing him. But I guess to him it probably looked like I was trying to grab him maybe?) But everyone else were doing the same though and he took their letters. ” And that’s always where I spiral because I start struggling with trying to understand it while also trying to remind myself to not feel entitled or ungrateful.

When Michael came out of his hotel in London when he was leaving to go see the musical Oliver, it first looked like he was going to go straight to his bus. Then he happened to look my way, and I gestured ”Come here…pleeeeaaase!!!!” and put my hands like this and showed the letter and stretched my hand to gesture it’s for him. So STRAIGHT after that, he all of the sudden strated walking STRAIGHT to where I was and stopped RIGHT in front if me. So obviously stupid me was thinking ”OMG he actually saw me (I also was holding my King of Music banner that I always had with me in front of me) and is coming to get the letter!” So I tried to reach out to give the letter to him (I never get hysterical and scream and so I didn’t this time either, I just smiled from ear to ear because I was so HAPPY). So he stops in front of me puts his hands like this as if to say thank you…..and then moves on…to take the letter from the girl NEXT to me (literally!!)…and basically moves on to take everyone elses letters and to shake everyone’s hands….and I just felt GUTTED. Like, I had to fight back the tears SO HARD and keep telling myself ”I’m not gonna cry!!!! I’m not gonna cry!!! I’m not gonna cry!!!!” because I just felt so CRUSHED. I mean, mostly because that’s basically the story of my life…all of my life. Getting my hopes up, only to end up disappointed or end up getting ignored. Always feeling invisible. So it just triggered past hurts. Which of course is MY problem, not Michael’s, but still. And the second I felt disappointed, I also immediately reminded myself to snap out of it and ”Be happy for the others!! Don’t feel entitled!! Be grateful he even walked to where you are and stopped, so be grateful!!” And I tried to smile and feel happy for the others and tried to feel grateful. But still, all these years I keep going over the scenario in my head, trying to figure out what I could’ve done differently and keep watching the video of it over and over again. Like, I was hoping he would’ve remembered the King of Music banner from past events, even just the banner, if he didn’t remember the girl waving it, but then I’m like ”He sees MILLIONS of fans and banners every day, how entitled of me to think he’d remember MY banner or remember ME!” And even though I did see him many times, there were years in between and I wasn’t one of those who followed him EVERYWHERE (out of respect to him) so I guess he didn’t remember me? But then I’m like ”But he took the letters from the other fans? Maybe he thought I’m SO UGLY and fat that he was so disgusted that he didn’t want to take my letter? And because I was reaching out? But then I see fans rushing to his car and banging on his windows and following him everywhere and see him taking their letters and gifts and hugging them and all that and it’s fans who are skinny and pretty so I can’t help but to think ”Maybe I was too fatand ugly?” . So I’m like ”I don’t understand it?” and I don’t know which is worse, him just not even having seen me and registering me despite walking straight to where I was and stopping right in front of me and looking straight at me but still not seeing me….or him thinking I’m so disgusting and ugly that he doesn’t want to take my letter. Like, I feel so conflicted because I felt the happoiest I had ever been and the saddest I had ever been all in one day. So SO happy because I got to be closer than I had ever been to him and especially because HE walked to where I was, not because I would’ve chased him. But also utterly crushed and gutted because maybe he thought I was disgustingly ugly…or he didn’t even see and register me at all? Like I said, I don’t know which one would be worse. And like I said, whenever I think about it and get really sad, I’m immediately kicking myself at the same time for feeling entitled and ungrateful and for feeling jealous that he took other people’s letters but not mine.

And I guess all these snakes like the Cascios and Wade and James appearing and betraying him get to me every time knowing I would’ve never done that to him but he wouldn’t even take my letter and I never got the chance to even say hi. Or reading fan stories where they tell how they forged tickets and VIP åasses to sneak in to events to get close to MJ and all kinds of crazy stuff like that and Michael always rewarding them and all that and you just feel…I don’t know. Stupid. I mean, that’s a line I never would cross…I’d never start forging tickets or lie or do all kinds of crazy stuff to get to meet him. That’s just not me and not where my morals or values lie. That’s where I draw the line. And yes, that’s probably why I never met him because I never followed him if he left the hotel. He complained so often about how he can’t go anywhere, so I wanted to give him his space, yes, knowing full well that I’m limiting my chances of meeting him. But looking back bow, I guess he apparently liked it and appreciated it since he kept rewarding those fans with hugs and chats and by calling them loyal. So in retrospect, maybe he thought I wasn’t a ”real fan” and wasn’t ”loyal”? But then the fans that he took letters from or shook their hands in London..I had never seen them at any events before and a couple of them were also just autograph hunters so that is also kind of why it hurt. And I just can’t figure out what I did wrong or what I could’ve done differently. Not that there most likely isn’t anything to figure out because most likely from MJ’s point of view he just came to greet fans to be nice and that was that. It was most likely just a ”faceless crowd” for him. So he maybe wasn’t thinking about anything at all, just going through motions. But of course to me, because it meant SO MUCH….I still struggle with it…but like I said, mostly because of my own past traumas that it triggered. I still feel incrediably GRATEFUL that I got to be in London and got to see him three months before he died, and I guess that’s why I so hoped he would’ve recognized me and my banner so that he could have known that we are STILL here and still loved and supported him after all these years…To hope he knew that and felt it before he died. But if he didn’t even recognize me, maybe he didn’t know? And I guess that is what absolutely crushes me.

Anyways…….yes, I know how crazy that sounds. I just miss Michael SO MUCH and on some days I still miss him so bad that it makes me cry. Today was one of those days, so I went back to read the thread and that post I quoted above made me cry my eyes out. I know that post was about the concerts but still…..IF ONLY there was a happy ending and it could turn out even better for all of us. IF ONLY……

Sending lots of love to you all and may God bless you all! I love you guys!

 

[summer]

I don't think lisa wanted kids with Mike period she felt she had her kids at the time but I think she had kids with Lockwood to fill the void of not having mjs kids

Actually I think Lisa was totally planning on to still win Michael over. In her (and Riley’s) book it was mentioned how Lisa was using IVF because she was desperately trying to get pregnant. I really think she was teying to get babies because she knew how much MJ wanted to be a dad and loved kids so maybe she thought she’ll have better chances with him if she has babies. Also, her buting a house near London and movibg to England just when MJ was going to live there for a year and have concerts?? A councidence? Yeah, I don’t think so!! I think she still had her hopes up on them getting back together.

 

[summer]

Yeh but we all know mj didnt love debbie they way he loved lisa

I guess not, but still, he was married to her. And I don’t care what arrangement he might have (or might not) had with Debbie…in the eyes of the world Debbie was his wife, so it was really disrespectful towards her to be seen openly dating and kissing his ex-wife. I did not like that, to be honest.