I am so glad you wrote this, but I am so sorry that you had to. Without knowing anything about your life, or your situation, all I can say is that life is worth living and you, no matter what you may think about yourself, are a miracle of existence. There is literally no one else on the entire planet like you, who can bring what you do to the world, who can think the thoughts you think, or express them the way you express them. This is the magic of being alive and living within ourselves. We are by the very nature of existence a miracle of life. How much in the universe had to align to create you? How many opportunities were there for you to not
exist? The very fact that you are here does mean something, even if that meaning isn't clear to you yet.
All of that said, these kinds of thoughts are all well and good when you are not depressed. But when you are depressed, being told you are a miracle and to be grateful for being alive I know can feel like bullshit. So I'm not going to tell you to be grateful for your life, or to look for the things in life that can bring you joy, etc. I'm just going to ask you to hold on. Embrace your humanity. Embrace the brokenness of how you feel. Try, as hard as you might, to believe that this is temporary. All suffering is temporary. Sometimes it lasts longer (far longer) than it should and often it is unfair and misplaced on undeserving people. But it is still
temporary. It will pass. There will be moments of joy and connection again. The peaks and valleys of life are what give it dimension. But when you are stuck in the valley it can be hard to see the sun, so what do you do in the meantime?
1) Well, as others said, find someone to talk to. Professionally, would be ideal. Having a professional support system to help you through is really important when you are suffering. I know at least in the United States counseling is supremely expensive, but I recently discovered that my local medical system offers free counseling for patients if they request it through their physician. So something like this may exist for you if it's not possible to afford it on your own. Counseling may be the answer, medication may be the answer, a combination of the two may be the answer. But you can't know what you need unless you consult the people who know best how to manage depression.
2) Get it out. Find a way to express and release this pain inside of you. No one can hold so much agony inside of themselves without feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by it sometimes. You have to find a way to release this, or else your mind will continue to go to these dark places about ending everything. It's understandable why total escape feels like the answer, but if you choose that path to escape the bad, you are also escaping (and erasing) all of the good, and this would be a terrible loss. So find a way to get it out. Release the valve, so to speak. For me, this is through writing and journaling, drawing, spending time in nature, etc. For other people it is exercising, meditation, yoga, etc. Personally, I like expression and art because it feels the most like a direct translation of my feelings into something tangible. But you've got to find a way.
3) Seek hope and inspiration. This is so overlooked. I really believe the world is in crisis right now because there is just not enough hope to cling to. So many of us are collectively drowning. I want to recommend the book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. It was written by a German psychologist who spent years in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. In this book he talks about how his experience in the camps led him to develop a new existential focus in psychology, which is to embrace a search for meaning in life as pivotal to our human psychology. It's a really powerful book and it actually inspired me to design an entire course I'm teaching around self-discovery and seeking meaning. There is also a TedTalk from one of my favorite authors, Lidia Yuknavitch, in which she talks about a lot of these struggles and why we have to find beauty in ourselves in the darkest of times. https://www.ted.com/talks/lidia_yuknavitch_the_beauty_of_being_a_misfit?language=en
In this process of seeking hope and inspiration, maybe spend some time journaling, or just contemplating to yourself, what in the world inspires you? Who inspires you? What do you value? What beyond yourself matters to you? Consider all of this and ask yourself if there is a meaning, purpose, or comfort to be found in concentrating on the world around you.
Finally, keep in mind that everything I am sharing here is meant as general encouragement. I don't know anything about your circumstances, or your individual pain. So nothing I am saying is meant to in any way invalidate the very real and unique struggles you may be facing. But I do hope that in some way you find comfort in these things, if nothing else, just knowing that there are people who don't know you who genuinely care about your wellbeing and believe that your existence on the planet matters. Because it truly does. Even if a part of you doesn't always believe that.
You are always welcome to message me directly, if you think that would help. But otherwise, I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you. Please hold on. It's worth it.