I got a little story to tell of what I experienced this dark night in sweden.
It started out as a planned out evening where I'd watch a bunch of concerts with Michael and have a nice evening in his memory, but it turned out to be a lot more horrible experience than I'd expected.
It began when I watched his performance in Bucharest and shedded a tear or two, but as I kept watching the show started stirring up a lot of old emotions.
(I've been depressed a lot during my life due to "non-ideal" upbringning)
So somehow I managed to dig myself down that dark rabbit hole of despair, and couldn't find my way out.
I've been there many times before...
Sitting with the edge of a blade against my throat and thinking "what's the point?", just hoping to get that last bit of strength I need to be done with it.
Somehow that surge of strength never shows up which tells that I do want to continue this journey down the path of life, but it ain't easy.
After wallowing in despair at home for an hour or so struggling to even be able to breathe properly, I came up with the idea to take a walk to try and clear my head.
That walk, would be the most important walk in my life so far.
---
I headed out in a direction I knew leads out of the city and to more open fields, where I thought I could go and lie down somewhere.
Turned out it wasn't that easy going to nowhere, since there was lots of nowhere-things in the way (like rocks, bushes, trees and so on), but I kept struggling through running over railroads, walking across large and wet crop-fields and dodging through branches.
I kept walking for about an hour or so, until I had no clue where I was. And still I couldn't find that place in nowhere I was looking for.
At that time my clothes were soaked in sweat and my throat was dry so I decided to surrender and try and find my way back towards the city.
This time I chose to walk along the roads and path instead of forcing my way in one direction as before, but the roads seemed to be infinite, luckily I had Michael singing for me in my headphones which kept me from giving up completely.
I sat down at a rest-stop for a while and looked up at that grand full-moon blazing with it's presence above the crop-fields, somehow I felt comfortable looking up at that big cheese in the sky reminding me of my one and only role-model.
After the break I started my walk again until I hit a 4-way crossroad, at which point I sat myself down in the middle of the roads and started pondering what road I should take.
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Sidenote: I'm quite a analytical person, I always think too hard and too much about things. Which is part of my depression problem since it's usually in a negative light,
What I saw around me was 4 roads:
Back road, this one lead back to from where I came, and obviously I knew that wasn't it.
Right road, this one headed towards a populated area with streetlights which felt close to home.
Left road, this one lead to a bigger road and some buildings
Straight road, this one lead straight into nature as serene as a painting.
Obviously I knew that the right path was the right one to take to get home, or close to. But then I started wondering what I REALLY wanted, that I came all the way out there to get away from something and I didn't really feel much different from when I left.
I decided that the little journey should not be for naught, and this one time in my life. I should follow the path that wasn't the logical choice.
I felt that I want to venture into the unknown instead of always going by the boring, soul-draining obvious answer. So I headed out straight ahead, the path that lead into nowhere.
I walked through a smaller forest, and if it wasn't for the full-moon I wouldn't have seen a thing.
The sight before me after I came out of the forest was, litterarely , jaw-dropping.
---
I had completely unknowing walked into a place called "hills of kings" (rough translation) and it's some burial grounds and I'm not well versed into the the old stories but from what I know they're dedicated or raised in the name of gods like Thor, Odin and Frey.
They rise about 7-11 metres above the ground and me feel quite humble standing there looking at these grand and historical mounds of dirt and grass.
I walked slowly along the road observing these mounds and I was gaping in astonishment, never have I been so affected by this place when I had visited it once or twice in my life.
I walked up the the greatest of the hills and kept observing it with a strong conviction that this was more than just a fluke that I ended up at that spot.
Somewhere around there I wholeheartedly swear that I heard a familiar giggle, and as I turned around I saw that big, blazing moon hovering straight above the castle and church of my hometown.
The tears started streaming down my face, but this time it wasn't feelings of despair or sadness, this time I was crying because I was humbled by the presence of so many kings.
There I was, in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of presences/memories of kings and gods.
- Me, the little bastard that never manages to do something proper, who never manages to convey those bursting feeling in my chest to others.
- The one who sits at home wishing that he was dead so that others could live out their peaceful lives without my disturbance.
Not sure if I thought it or said it, but I forwarded the words "Why me?" towards the moon, but the reply was just a bright shine.
Lighted up by the moon was a metal-framed sign, looked a bit like a podium which faced against my hometown in an almost authorical(?) way.
I looked down and read the title of the sign, and it said something along the lines of "Here's the new Uppsala", almost daring you to take in the entire view of the majestical landscape.
I started to connect the dots, I was standing in the old uppsala and was facing the new uppsala. Behind me was the burial grounds of kings of the old, and in front of me was the new and unknown.
It was as if I could hear Michael whisper:
- "It's your time now, this is your mission"
- "We will always be here in history, but you must take the reigns and act now"
I just stood there looking at the moon for at least 10-15 minutes, tears flowing.
---
As I started walking the long way home, I felt a few things I haven't felt in a long time.
First of all I had a smile, an honest and humble smile which felt SO good.
Second it felt as if my lungs were filled with someone elses air, the breathing was hard and powerful, as if I had lungs of an athletic champion.
Thirdly I felt incredibly strong and at peace with the environment, that's when I realized that it felt as something vibrated with well-being from within myself.
And I want to believe that that thing was what I've been looking for so many times, namely my soul.
---
The path home interestingly intertwined with the one I took when I headed out, but this time I went along the asphalted roads instead of through the bush.
I remember thinking to myself "The guy that walked out this way a few hours ago ain't coming back, I'm here in his stead"
Walking home I was filled with positive emotions, but I couldn't believe how cool/beautiful I felt. I'm completely aware of how I look, so those words are completely wrong for me, but it is still exactly how I felt. At that moment I saw myself on top of the world, and for once in my life I let myself feel that way, instead of taking me down.
---
Now I'm here at home, watching that little pebble i picked up from the crossroads where I made one of my most important decisions ever.
All I can say is that this feels insane, but it made me realize that life isn't just a path with lines along the sides which tells if you're doing it wrong.
Life is full of options, you choose whenever you do something. But someway down the line we might loose the sight of that and forget that we choose how we live. We either do or we don't, and in infinite combinations that makes quite a complicated pattern.
Today I've experienced something that could be viewed as entirely psychological though-patterns in the subconsious which guided me the path I took, or as completely random events that holds no significance what-so-ever.
But I choose to believe that the spirits that be wanted to show me something. That the full-moon which was playing hide-and-seek in the trees on my way home, was exactly who I wanted him to be.
I just had to write this down, and put it somewhere. And if any of you feel offended in any way I deeply apologize since that is not my intent.
This is my story, and this is what I choose to believe in.
