Gonetoosoon
Proud Member
Hi there, this is my first post on MJJ Forums. I've been trying to sign up to these boards ever since Michael passed but only now has the registration option worked for me! I'm glad to be here, amongst so much love. I guess before I regularly post I want to make a statement about who I am as a person, what Michael Jackson has given me, and also shamefully things I am not particulary proud to admit.
Let me start my saying I am 20 years old and have been listening to Michael Jackson since around 1999/2000. Over the years, I have had a ongoing appreciation of the man himself and his amazing voice, dance and inspiration. I remember the day my Dad returned from an overseas trip with a HIStory DVD containing around 20 of MJ's music clips - I was instantly hooked. The first song I heard from Michael and really the first which got me into him was 'The Way You Make Me Feel'. His message - "Just be yourself" - has always been there. I do not own all of Michael's albums - but I have 'Michael Jackson: The Essentials', 'Michael Jackson: Number Ones', 'Invincible' and the 'Thriller' (on record). Let me also note that I am not/was not as committed an Michael Jackson fan as the rest of you here. Not to the level of obsession, but I really was in awe of his purity and personality. And THAT voice, and THAT smile! It gets me every single time I heard his voice. Over the years, I have developed as a person; through all the ups and downs, with Michael's voice echoing through my body. Since his death, I've really reached a heightened level of appreciation. Even before his death I was able to recite just about every line of every song he's ever written. Although I've had some doubts about whether I am a true fan or not.. due to small things above anything else. Maybe those of you replying could give me a verdict on this or not.
I believe in myself that I am a true fan - but I must admit being at fault over a couple things. Let me get these out of the way first - then the good stuff - and how Michael has shaped me into the person I am today. Firstly, I must admit to watching 'Mr Jefferson' on South Park (if anyone has seen it) and additionally to listening to the Eminem song 'Just Lose It' and being able to recite lyrics.. Let me add that I found small pockets of humour to these pieces - but I remember vividly thinking how inhumane it is to attack such a wonderful person with such a lowly form of comedy. I found these to be stupid and very childish. I feel very guilty for allowing myself to find that small amount of humour in it. Let me also mention that I have never slurred a bad word against Michael - period. But since his death I have all these small demons coming back to hurt me. Since watching the episode and hearing that song I have not respected any of the walk further (if that makes sense). I also must admit that on the day he died and upon hearing some of the jokes I didn't laugh - but I admitted the cleverness of the humour - as lowly as that sounds. It really kills me to put this in writing, but I need to get it out and bare my soul to you all, Michael especially. These small incidents are really digging me up inside and even though I was considerably younger upon watching South Park and listening to Eminem I still can't help like an asshole..
Onto the good stuff. The way in which Michael has shaped me as a person..
Whilst at this point, you may be thinking I'm a low life, I must remind you all that before his death I ALWAYS defended his name. I looked up Vitiligo disease and preached to people who were in the wrong. I never once thought he was a pedophile, despite my Mum insisting he was. I remember the day they announced the verdict of his trial. It was a very happy moment. However, it has always been very difficult to ignore the corruptness of the media and I would hear many false things about Michael. Not that I believed them of course.
Throughout my childhood, there were many moments that stand out. I have had a difficult time on several fronts, mostly on a mental level. I'm trying to be honest here so I will be.. please try to keep your thoughts reserved about the topics, whichever way you feel about them. I have had severe depression in the past, involving hurting myself. I am bisexual, I have been involved in crossdressing since around 1998, I've had ongoing battles with gender identity(which have lessened significantly in the last year or two), my racism, a period of obsessive compulsive disorder (on a repetitive thought level) and general self-confidence and anxiety. It's really hard to believe that all these things have shaped me over the years into who I am today. I must mention that I have been able to overcome all of these bar being bisexual (which I now accept) and crossdressing (which I still practice on a rare basis).
Michael Jackson has always taught me to 'be myself' (you can't be nobody else, you can't be them. you don't wanna be them) and has inspired my life with joy and laughter like no other. He has taught me valuable life lessons and given me guidance through songs such as Human Nature, Heal the World, You Are Not Alone and especially Stranger in Moscow. These songs in particular I listened to when I was depressed and feeling lonely/down. Also songs for when I was feeling up - the list is endless!
Let me move on now to three main issues which I want to discuss about how Michael has shaped me. First, is the racism issue. Ever since the day I found out my Dad had an affair with an Asian woman, my family (Mum, Sister and Myself) have had constant prejudices against this particular race. I felt it correct to give abuse and scowl against them, even though I had several Asian friends myself. I have always been locked in an ongoing battle with these particular thoughts - I joined the forum Stormfront (only on a posting basis mind you) and could not cope with the level of racism upon there. I could really sense the entire time that there was a goodness inside me that would always win over. The words and slurs upon that forum attempted to plant themselves in my brain - and for a while I had an affiliation with National Socialism. If you know me personally, this goes against my true nature as I am a loving person in every manner of the world. I'm very ashamed to admit this to all of you. White Nationalism gave me an outlet of pride (not hate, but pride) but steadily I could feel more racism rising in me. It is incredibly ironic that I had these beliefs of hatred when I myself am a bisexual with transgender tendencies.. I was incredibly ignorant; a walking hypocrite. Not to mention that I listened to many multicultural bands and idolised/attracted to many men and women of colour. Michael Jackson in particular, who I believe is one of the most beautiful, attractive men on the planet. No matter what I believed, Michael was always there - and his good message was always tied up there inside of me. Whilst my racial tendencies faded significantly in the months leading up to Michael's passing I still had a dislike for races who had not assimilated into the Western culture. I was very concerned about the way in which our country was developing. I am for equality amongst every race with none being favoured above another. Michael's passing taught me something - that life is way too short, to live with hate in the mind. It was incredibly sad for it to come to this for me, but to lose someone so inspirational who was always there in subtle shape or form was an absolute tragedy to who I am as a person. I balled my eyes out for the entire funeral. I seriously could not stop crying as Michael tugged at my heart strings. To hear once again of all his great work and love was all too much to bear. During the period of time between his death and now I learned further more of the great charity work in which he conducted. Michael was truly a man of God. I had heard many things about Michael's charity and care for the world, but unfortunately in my younger years so much of this was not recognised by the corrupt media. Let me say again I never believed the media - not once. Back on topic, Michael has changed me inside. His words speak truer to me than ever before. Before his death I would love to listen to songs such as 'Can You Feel It', 'Man In the Mirror', 'Heal the World', 'Black or White', 'I have this Dream' and 'Human Nature'. It really stirred something up inside my soul. But even more so with songs such as 'Smile', 'I'll be There' and other great hits which call for human unity. I cried so hard at the funeral for the loss of such a great person who was so pure and kind. I cried so hard at the funeral because it had taken the death of such an amazing person to crush my racism once and for good. It's making me tear up right here. It hurt so much to hear every speech at that funeral. Especially the one by the Senator whose name I cannot remember at this current moment. All I knew was, that from that day on I would attempt to live a life like Michael did. A pure life filled with as much love as humanly possible. It feels so good, to be good. Every step I take now is filled with happiness and I am so glad that I am free from the bounds of evil once more. I am so saddened that we have lost one of the world's greats. I really wanted to register for this forum the night before the funeral - to confess this all to you infront of God and Michael. This will have to do I guess.
Second, I'd like to talk about my brief stint of OCD which occured from September 2008 to January 2009. My OCD was not something like washing your hands or counting toothpicks or anything like this. It involved unwanted, repetitive thoughts in which I could physically not stop analysing every little thing about my family, friends and most importantly/particulary my wonderful girlfriend whom I have been with for a whole year. I have never felt this way about anyone before - but I'll got onto that in the next paragraph (sorry). These unwanted thoughts had me analysing the minutest of details about every single little feature my girlfriend has. I'll refer to her as 'X' for privacy reasons. It tore X apart, and I even broke up with her for about 1 day on two occasions. I made selfish comments on the day her Grandad died and in general I continuously was bringing her down. It was so sad to see how much I was effecting and hurting her with. I sought extensive counselling and joined many chat rooms and blogs which helped with this kind of condition. Eventually after all those months, I was able to overcome the unwanted thoughts. Since that day, I have felt truly free; and I will never ever regret what I have now with X - who truly is and will be the love of my life. In relation to how this OCD is linked to Michael Jackson.. One particular problem I had whilst I had these unwanted thoughts was that I could not physically listen to any songs which suggested breaking up, or anything remotely sad. This was because I could then link it to X and I would begin to analyse again. The particular song of Michael's which I could never begin to bring myself to listen to was - 'She's Out of My Life'. Ever since I got over these thoughts, hearing this song would bring tears to my eyes because it's an everlasting reminder that I have once and truly beaten my inner demons. Even more so listening to it after Michael's death, it has given even greater meaning than previously. For obvious reasons.
Also, if you're still reading, thank you so much. I appreciate it for the world that you are still listening to my story. As I said in the previous paragraph, my love for X is something I've never ever experienced up until this past year. She is one of the very few people in this world who loves and accepts me for me, and takes nothing less than that. She knows about all the things I've mentioned above. She knows me truly in and out. Michael Jackson has such a perfect way of describing of one feels inside. Even before I went out with X, I listened to these songs and longed for the day I would be able to hold and love someone like X. Someone who would love me for me, and I would love them for them. A message which Michael always promoted - and will forever promote in his musical message. The songs include - "The Way You Make Me Feel", 'Girlfriend', 'PYT', 'I Just Can't Stop Loving You', 'The Girl Is Mine', 'You Rock My World', 'You Are not Alone', 'Speechless', 'Butterflies' and in particular one of my all time favourite MJ songs - 'Got to be there'. GTBT is me and X's song and it always makes me smile when played and reminds me so strongly of how beautiful X is to me. I am a true romantic - I love loving. There is no greater feeling. All my previous relationships had failed very miserably, including being cheated on several times. After longing for love for so long, and hearing Michael's words throughout the entire time I now know what it is like to love. And God I love X. And God I love Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson has had an unprecedented effect on my life. I can never thank him enough for it. I only wish he was still here with all of us. But I am happy to know that one day I will be able to meet him in Neverland. May we all live together and forever in a world with peace, kindness and most importantly love - to make a better place for you and for me. Thank you all for reading. It means the world. I'll actually be suprised if someone comments to this! So thank you. I am honoured to be in your presence. I hope that you can see me for me through this post. I am a changed person, and I will always try to live like Michael has. To always be true to yourself, and to show unprecendented love to others. Michael has been there every step of the way. However subtle or insignificant by trials and tribulations were/are. He will be there. He is there. He is here. Forever here. RIP Michael Jackson. You have changed my world forever. I can never thank you enough.
Heal the World.
Let me start my saying I am 20 years old and have been listening to Michael Jackson since around 1999/2000. Over the years, I have had a ongoing appreciation of the man himself and his amazing voice, dance and inspiration. I remember the day my Dad returned from an overseas trip with a HIStory DVD containing around 20 of MJ's music clips - I was instantly hooked. The first song I heard from Michael and really the first which got me into him was 'The Way You Make Me Feel'. His message - "Just be yourself" - has always been there. I do not own all of Michael's albums - but I have 'Michael Jackson: The Essentials', 'Michael Jackson: Number Ones', 'Invincible' and the 'Thriller' (on record). Let me also note that I am not/was not as committed an Michael Jackson fan as the rest of you here. Not to the level of obsession, but I really was in awe of his purity and personality. And THAT voice, and THAT smile! It gets me every single time I heard his voice. Over the years, I have developed as a person; through all the ups and downs, with Michael's voice echoing through my body. Since his death, I've really reached a heightened level of appreciation. Even before his death I was able to recite just about every line of every song he's ever written. Although I've had some doubts about whether I am a true fan or not.. due to small things above anything else. Maybe those of you replying could give me a verdict on this or not.
I believe in myself that I am a true fan - but I must admit being at fault over a couple things. Let me get these out of the way first - then the good stuff - and how Michael has shaped me into the person I am today. Firstly, I must admit to watching 'Mr Jefferson' on South Park (if anyone has seen it) and additionally to listening to the Eminem song 'Just Lose It' and being able to recite lyrics.. Let me add that I found small pockets of humour to these pieces - but I remember vividly thinking how inhumane it is to attack such a wonderful person with such a lowly form of comedy. I found these to be stupid and very childish. I feel very guilty for allowing myself to find that small amount of humour in it. Let me also mention that I have never slurred a bad word against Michael - period. But since his death I have all these small demons coming back to hurt me. Since watching the episode and hearing that song I have not respected any of the walk further (if that makes sense). I also must admit that on the day he died and upon hearing some of the jokes I didn't laugh - but I admitted the cleverness of the humour - as lowly as that sounds. It really kills me to put this in writing, but I need to get it out and bare my soul to you all, Michael especially. These small incidents are really digging me up inside and even though I was considerably younger upon watching South Park and listening to Eminem I still can't help like an asshole..
Onto the good stuff. The way in which Michael has shaped me as a person..
Whilst at this point, you may be thinking I'm a low life, I must remind you all that before his death I ALWAYS defended his name. I looked up Vitiligo disease and preached to people who were in the wrong. I never once thought he was a pedophile, despite my Mum insisting he was. I remember the day they announced the verdict of his trial. It was a very happy moment. However, it has always been very difficult to ignore the corruptness of the media and I would hear many false things about Michael. Not that I believed them of course.
Throughout my childhood, there were many moments that stand out. I have had a difficult time on several fronts, mostly on a mental level. I'm trying to be honest here so I will be.. please try to keep your thoughts reserved about the topics, whichever way you feel about them. I have had severe depression in the past, involving hurting myself. I am bisexual, I have been involved in crossdressing since around 1998, I've had ongoing battles with gender identity(which have lessened significantly in the last year or two), my racism, a period of obsessive compulsive disorder (on a repetitive thought level) and general self-confidence and anxiety. It's really hard to believe that all these things have shaped me over the years into who I am today. I must mention that I have been able to overcome all of these bar being bisexual (which I now accept) and crossdressing (which I still practice on a rare basis).
Michael Jackson has always taught me to 'be myself' (you can't be nobody else, you can't be them. you don't wanna be them) and has inspired my life with joy and laughter like no other. He has taught me valuable life lessons and given me guidance through songs such as Human Nature, Heal the World, You Are Not Alone and especially Stranger in Moscow. These songs in particular I listened to when I was depressed and feeling lonely/down. Also songs for when I was feeling up - the list is endless!
Let me move on now to three main issues which I want to discuss about how Michael has shaped me. First, is the racism issue. Ever since the day I found out my Dad had an affair with an Asian woman, my family (Mum, Sister and Myself) have had constant prejudices against this particular race. I felt it correct to give abuse and scowl against them, even though I had several Asian friends myself. I have always been locked in an ongoing battle with these particular thoughts - I joined the forum Stormfront (only on a posting basis mind you) and could not cope with the level of racism upon there. I could really sense the entire time that there was a goodness inside me that would always win over. The words and slurs upon that forum attempted to plant themselves in my brain - and for a while I had an affiliation with National Socialism. If you know me personally, this goes against my true nature as I am a loving person in every manner of the world. I'm very ashamed to admit this to all of you. White Nationalism gave me an outlet of pride (not hate, but pride) but steadily I could feel more racism rising in me. It is incredibly ironic that I had these beliefs of hatred when I myself am a bisexual with transgender tendencies.. I was incredibly ignorant; a walking hypocrite. Not to mention that I listened to many multicultural bands and idolised/attracted to many men and women of colour. Michael Jackson in particular, who I believe is one of the most beautiful, attractive men on the planet. No matter what I believed, Michael was always there - and his good message was always tied up there inside of me. Whilst my racial tendencies faded significantly in the months leading up to Michael's passing I still had a dislike for races who had not assimilated into the Western culture. I was very concerned about the way in which our country was developing. I am for equality amongst every race with none being favoured above another. Michael's passing taught me something - that life is way too short, to live with hate in the mind. It was incredibly sad for it to come to this for me, but to lose someone so inspirational who was always there in subtle shape or form was an absolute tragedy to who I am as a person. I balled my eyes out for the entire funeral. I seriously could not stop crying as Michael tugged at my heart strings. To hear once again of all his great work and love was all too much to bear. During the period of time between his death and now I learned further more of the great charity work in which he conducted. Michael was truly a man of God. I had heard many things about Michael's charity and care for the world, but unfortunately in my younger years so much of this was not recognised by the corrupt media. Let me say again I never believed the media - not once. Back on topic, Michael has changed me inside. His words speak truer to me than ever before. Before his death I would love to listen to songs such as 'Can You Feel It', 'Man In the Mirror', 'Heal the World', 'Black or White', 'I have this Dream' and 'Human Nature'. It really stirred something up inside my soul. But even more so with songs such as 'Smile', 'I'll be There' and other great hits which call for human unity. I cried so hard at the funeral for the loss of such a great person who was so pure and kind. I cried so hard at the funeral because it had taken the death of such an amazing person to crush my racism once and for good. It's making me tear up right here. It hurt so much to hear every speech at that funeral. Especially the one by the Senator whose name I cannot remember at this current moment. All I knew was, that from that day on I would attempt to live a life like Michael did. A pure life filled with as much love as humanly possible. It feels so good, to be good. Every step I take now is filled with happiness and I am so glad that I am free from the bounds of evil once more. I am so saddened that we have lost one of the world's greats. I really wanted to register for this forum the night before the funeral - to confess this all to you infront of God and Michael. This will have to do I guess.
Second, I'd like to talk about my brief stint of OCD which occured from September 2008 to January 2009. My OCD was not something like washing your hands or counting toothpicks or anything like this. It involved unwanted, repetitive thoughts in which I could physically not stop analysing every little thing about my family, friends and most importantly/particulary my wonderful girlfriend whom I have been with for a whole year. I have never felt this way about anyone before - but I'll got onto that in the next paragraph (sorry). These unwanted thoughts had me analysing the minutest of details about every single little feature my girlfriend has. I'll refer to her as 'X' for privacy reasons. It tore X apart, and I even broke up with her for about 1 day on two occasions. I made selfish comments on the day her Grandad died and in general I continuously was bringing her down. It was so sad to see how much I was effecting and hurting her with. I sought extensive counselling and joined many chat rooms and blogs which helped with this kind of condition. Eventually after all those months, I was able to overcome the unwanted thoughts. Since that day, I have felt truly free; and I will never ever regret what I have now with X - who truly is and will be the love of my life. In relation to how this OCD is linked to Michael Jackson.. One particular problem I had whilst I had these unwanted thoughts was that I could not physically listen to any songs which suggested breaking up, or anything remotely sad. This was because I could then link it to X and I would begin to analyse again. The particular song of Michael's which I could never begin to bring myself to listen to was - 'She's Out of My Life'. Ever since I got over these thoughts, hearing this song would bring tears to my eyes because it's an everlasting reminder that I have once and truly beaten my inner demons. Even more so listening to it after Michael's death, it has given even greater meaning than previously. For obvious reasons.
Also, if you're still reading, thank you so much. I appreciate it for the world that you are still listening to my story. As I said in the previous paragraph, my love for X is something I've never ever experienced up until this past year. She is one of the very few people in this world who loves and accepts me for me, and takes nothing less than that. She knows about all the things I've mentioned above. She knows me truly in and out. Michael Jackson has such a perfect way of describing of one feels inside. Even before I went out with X, I listened to these songs and longed for the day I would be able to hold and love someone like X. Someone who would love me for me, and I would love them for them. A message which Michael always promoted - and will forever promote in his musical message. The songs include - "The Way You Make Me Feel", 'Girlfriend', 'PYT', 'I Just Can't Stop Loving You', 'The Girl Is Mine', 'You Rock My World', 'You Are not Alone', 'Speechless', 'Butterflies' and in particular one of my all time favourite MJ songs - 'Got to be there'. GTBT is me and X's song and it always makes me smile when played and reminds me so strongly of how beautiful X is to me. I am a true romantic - I love loving. There is no greater feeling. All my previous relationships had failed very miserably, including being cheated on several times. After longing for love for so long, and hearing Michael's words throughout the entire time I now know what it is like to love. And God I love X. And God I love Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson has had an unprecedented effect on my life. I can never thank him enough for it. I only wish he was still here with all of us. But I am happy to know that one day I will be able to meet him in Neverland. May we all live together and forever in a world with peace, kindness and most importantly love - to make a better place for you and for me. Thank you all for reading. It means the world. I'll actually be suprised if someone comments to this! So thank you. I am honoured to be in your presence. I hope that you can see me for me through this post. I am a changed person, and I will always try to live like Michael has. To always be true to yourself, and to show unprecendented love to others. Michael has been there every step of the way. However subtle or insignificant by trials and tribulations were/are. He will be there. He is there. He is here. Forever here. RIP Michael Jackson. You have changed my world forever. I can never thank you enough.
Heal the World.
He has changed my life too - he is my BIGGEST inspiration & i wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for him. He's an amazing, beatufuil, kind, wonderful man. If you ever want to PM for a chat - please do. I identify with some of the things you said in your post 
