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RANT: My anger and my sadness, turned to rage.

MichaelMySoul

MichaelMySoul

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Im so angry, Im so furious.. Im tired of being sad, Im tired of crying. And yet I cant seem to stop. Why did they have to make the memorial so damn painful? The music was so warm and beautiful it stabbed me right into the heart and broke my heart into pieces, I literally felt my soul bleed when I watched how beautiful that memorial was, it was that painful. Why did it have to be so beautiful? Its almost as if the more beautiful some things in life are, the harder time I have of letting things go.. Like a beautiful rainbow.. Like a sunset.. Like a rare entertainer and humanitarian like Michael Jackson..

And now the memorial... It was so beautiful and well thought that it stabbed me in my soul and left me heartbroken.. Had I been there live with the family and the audience, I would be left crying on the floor unable to breathe or stand on my knees... Im so angry.. Im so furious that all the good things in life are taken away from us too soon.. Is this some kind of game god is playing with our minds? Some kind of test to see who can endure the most pain and heartache? That god just decided to put Michael on this earth, make us love him to pieces and then just suddenly take him away from us to see how we would react. I feel like this is a really bad joke, a really bad test on the human soul. All the wonderful people who actually mean and do good things get taken away from us... What is gods plan with all this pain and heartache? I do not understand what the point of this is... All this mental suffering.. I cant bare it anymore..

As if the music was not painful enough.. The empty stage with one spotlight and one mic just made my soul bleed even more.. I watched it today for the first time after the memorial again and I was literally choking myself with sobbing.. Why did they have to make it so beautiful... It was so heartbreakingly sad.. I know they wanted to make a statement.. I just cant deal with this kind of heartache... They really got their message across when they wanted that stage to be Michaels for one last time..

I just cant take this sadness anymore... Even the happiest things makes me sad.. Seeing a video of Michael smiling or laughing is making me cry. Seeing Michael enjoying himself and living his life to the fullest makes me cry. Why? I should be happy for him, I should be happy when he was happy. I should be smiling when he was smiling. Yet somehow it stabs me in my heart so deep I cant even begin to desribe the heartache when I see the happy side of Michael... Everything happy turns to sad. Everything sad turns to even sadder. Everything tragic turns to even more tragedy.

Why did Michael have to be such a wonderful person, why did he have to be so special? Why did he have to impact us in such a magnitude way, why did he have to touch our souls like this, why did he have to make us cry to so many songs and so many live performances, why did he have to make us smile and laugh when he smiled and laughed. Why did Michael have to mean so much to me? Had he not meant so much to me maybe I wouldnt have taken his death so roughly.. But he touched us all.. No one can take his death lightly... Did he ever think of the loss the world would feel without him? Did he ever imagine how many would miss him? Did he ever think that the world cries for him every night before they go to bed?

When will I find and see the positive outcome of this? Im afraid I wasnt ready yet.. I can listen to his songs sometimes and feel the joy.. But then later on find myself crying because the happy just turned sad again. I can spend hours on end browsing and replying to topics on this forum to keep my mind busy and keep Michaels memory alive and investigate what happened to him, but whats the point, he is gone.. So whats the point? Really? My words isnt going to bring him back.

I cry out for Michaels children, Im just a nobody who has no connections to the Jackson family yet I feel so much heartache for Michaels children that I wanna take the first flight to LA and give them a hug and tell them I feel their pain. But even that is a dream.. Im just a nobody. They are the family. But I feel like I have lost a family member. Thats the sick part of being a fan.. You feel like you belong to the icon you adore.. Their family becomes your family. They dont know us, but we adore them all so much. I wanna see the Jackson siblings and just give them all a hug and cry with them. But Im so far away, I hope they know how sorry I am for their loss... I really do. My loss is nothing compared to what they are feeling right now.

I know I should be thinking Michael brought happiness to our lives, but right now I feel anything but happiness from Michaels side. I feel heartache, sorrow, despair.. I feel angry.. I feel hopelessness.. I ask myself what did we do to deserve this kind of heartache and pain.. Is it wrong of me to feel that I somedays wish Michael was never here, so that the pain wouldnt be so immense when he left? I feel as though the happier, the more wonderful and talented Michael was, the more our heartache is.. Michael said he loved us more, but I dont think he really understood that we actually loved him the most. And we really did... Im thankful for everything Michael has done, brought us joy, happiness and meaning to our gray everyday lives.. But it makes it so much harder to say goodbye and move on now... After everything he has done for us.. I feel like I want to repay him back for every single day he has been on this earth...

Shit I feel like crap... Like most people I would assume... I just had to rant.. Im so angry right now... This is just so wrong.. I keep repeating myself because I simply dont have the words to express myself anymore.

Its so unfair. This kind of heartache should not be human...
 
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im sorry you are hurting. have you talked to other friends or talked to a doctor. maybe they can help? at the very least please be safe and know others care about you and are hear to listen. *hugs*
 
Great post, I agree with everything you say. If you have msn maybe we can chat?
I'm very emotional and not doing too good tonight so I cant write too much but I feel that I am repressing alot of anger and sadness. I feel so angry at what happened because it was so not fair. I've been in a black hole and feel I am just sinking deeper and deeper. The pain really does get stronger every day :cry:
 
I checked up on this thread because I wanted to read the anger I felt before and how it feels today and remind myself how I felt few months ago. It was nice to read it all again. Thanks for your replies and Im sorry that I forgot to reply sooner. Im glad I got all that anger out and Im glad that day has passed.
 
I cry out for Michaels children, Im just a nobody who has no connections to the Jackson family yet I feel so much heartache for Michaels children that I wanna take the first flight to LA and give them a hug and tell them I feel their pain. But even that is a dream.. Im just a nobody. They are the family. But I feel like I have lost a family member. Thats the sick part of being a fan.. You feel like you belong to the icon you adore.. Their family becomes your family. They dont know us, but we adore them all so much. I wanna see the Jackson siblings and just give them all a hug and cry with them. But Im so far away, I hope they know how sorry I am for their loss... I really do. My loss is nothing compared to what they are feeling right now.
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I understand this feeling EXACTLY... I dreamed last night I was talking to the children and hugging them to let them know its ok.. I understand exactly what you feel. I wish I could meet one of the family and just give them a hug and cry too :(
 
MichaelMySoul said:
Im so angry, Im so furious.. Im tired of being sad, Im tired of crying. And yet I cant seem to stop. Why did they have to make the memorial so damn painful? The music was so warm and beautiful it stabbed me right into the heart and broke my heart into pieces, I literally felt my soul bleed when I watched how beautiful that memorial was, it was that painful. Why did it have to be so beautiful? Its almost as if the more beautiful some things in life are, the harder time I have of letting things go.. Like a beautiful rainbow.. Like a sunset.. Like a rare entertainer and humanitarian like Michael Jackson..

And now the memorial... It was so beautiful and well thought that it stabbed me in my soul and left me heartbroken.. Had I been there live with the family and the audience, I would be left crying on the floor unable to breathe or stand on my knees... Im so angry.. Im so furious that all the good things in life are taken away from us too soon.. Is this some kind of game god is playing with our minds? Some kind of test to see who can endure the most pain and heartache? That god just decided to put Michael on this earth, make us love him to pieces and then just suddenly take him away from us to see how we would react. I feel like this is a really bad joke, a really bad test on the human soul. All the wonderful people who actually mean and do good things get taken away from us... What is gods plan with all this pain and heartache? I do not understand what the point of this is... All this mental suffering.. I cant bare it anymore..

As if the music was not painful enough.. The empty stage with one spotlight and one mic just made my soul bleed even more.. I watched it today for the first time after the memorial again and I was literally choking myself with sobbing.. Why did they have to make it so beautiful... It was so heartbreakingly sad.. I know they wanted to make a statement.. I just cant deal with this kind of heartache... They really got their message across when they wanted that stage to be Michaels for one last time..

I just cant take this sadness anymore... Even the happiest things makes me sad.. Seeing a video of Michael smiling or laughing is making me cry. Seeing Michael enjoying himself and living his life to the fullest makes me cry. Why? I should be happy for him, I should be happy when he was happy. I should be smiling when he was smiling. Yet somehow it stabs me in my heart so deep I cant even begin to desribe the heartache when I see the happy side of Michael... Everything happy turns to sad. Everything sad turns to even sadder. Everything tragic turns to even more tragedy.

Why did Michael have to be such a wonderful person, why did he have to be so special? Why did he have to impact us in such a magnitude way, why did he have to touch our souls like this, why did he have to make us cry to so many songs and so many live performances, why did he have to make us smile and laugh when he smiled and laughed. Why did Michael have to mean so much to me? Had he not meant so much to me maybe I wouldnt have taken his death so roughly.. But he touched us all.. No one can take his death lightly... Did he ever think of the loss the world would feel without him? Did he ever imagine how many would miss him? Did he ever think that the world cries for him every night before they go to bed?

When will I find and see the positive outcome of this? Im afraid I wasnt ready yet.. I can listen to his songs sometimes and feel the joy.. But then later on find myself crying because the happy just turned sad again. I can spend hours on end browsing and replying to topics on this forum to keep my mind busy and keep Michaels memory alive and investigate what happened to him, but whats the point, he is gone.. So whats the point? Really? My words isnt going to bring him back.

I cry out for Michaels children, Im just a nobody who has no connections to the Jackson family yet I feel so much heartache for Michaels children that I wanna take the first flight to LA and give them a hug and tell them I feel their pain. But even that is a dream.. Im just a nobody. They are the family. But I feel like I have lost a family member. Thats the sick part of being a fan.. You feel like you belong to the icon you adore.. Their family becomes your family. They dont know us, but we adore them all so much. I wanna see the Jackson siblings and just give them all a hug and cry with them. But Im so far away, I hope they know how sorry I am for their loss... I really do. My loss is nothing compared to what they are feeling right now.

I know I should be thinking Michael brought happiness to our lives, but right now I feel anything but happiness from Michaels side. I feel heartache, sorrow, despair.. I feel angry.. I feel hopelessness.. I ask myself what did we do to deserve this kind of heartache and pain.. Is it wrong of me to feel that I somedays wish Michael was never here, so that the pain wouldnt be so immense when he left? I feel as though the happier, the more wonderful and talented Michael was, the more our heartache is.. Michael said he loved us more, but I dont think he really understood that we actually loved him the most. And we really did... Im thankful for everything Michael has done, brought us joy, happiness and meaning to our gray everyday lives.. But it makes it so much harder to say goodbye and move on now... After everything he has done for us.. I feel like I want to repay him back for every single day he has been on this earth...

Shit I feel like crap... Like most people I would assume... I just had to rant.. Im so angry right now... This is just so wrong.. I keep repeating myself because I simply dont have the words to express myself anymore.

Its so unfair. This kind of heartache should not be human...
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Its ok, its good to let all your feelings out otherwise they just bottle up inside of you 'till one day you explode.
Life works in mysterious ways, I don't think anyone is meant to understand life. All the things we experience can only make us stonger in the end. The things that happen in our life, the good and the bad, can help us find out who we really are. Michael went through a terrible time with the press and all the media bullying, and amongst the lies and vindictive statements the papers made they proved one thing, that Michael was strong. Sure it must have broken him up inside seeing the media saying these horrible things about him, calling him those names, it must have dented his confidence and he must have been feeling so lonely and misunderstood, but Michael may have never known how strong he really was. He NEVER stooped down to the media's level, he remained dignified at all times, he never retaliated, his heart wasn't full of hate at all. Michael'a passion for music, singing and dancing fueled his strength to carry his head up high and be who he was, he changed for no one, that to me is a real man. I admire Michael for his strength, and I don't think he even knew how strong he could be. We all have a hero inside of us and that hero finds the strength to carry on. The hero inside of me was Michael. He was always there for me, he told me to keep the faith, he taught me to love, he taught me how to be strong.
But as we all now, in life the heroes always have to go away :cry: but they always remain on the mind and in the heart , but a real hero never really dies, and Michael's legacy just goes to show that he is still here in spirit, a true hero xxxx
 
I feel you, glad you are doing better. Me it's just a constant battle.

My emotions are in such turmoil, half the time I don't know which way I am going.

One minute I'm cool, not happy just cool. Next minute I'm sad which turns into me just ballin. Then I am angry as hell and want to kick everyones azz that is in my path. I just want to throw something and scream. I don't though people would just think I am really losing it. So I just let it run it course and then I go back to being cool. This is a constant cycle. I am hardly ever happy. More sad and angry than I have ever been in my life.
 
XxWelshFanxX said:
Its ok, its good to let all your feelings out otherwise they just bottle up inside of you 'till one day you explode.
Life works in mysterious ways, I don't think anyone is meant to understand life. All the things we experience can only make us stonger in the end. The things that happen in our life, the good and the bad, can help us find out who we really are. Michael went through a terrible time with the press and all the media bullying, and amongst the lies and vindictive statements the papers made they proved one thing, that Michael was strong. Sure it must have broken him up inside seeing the media saying these horrible things about him, calling him those names, it must have dented his confidence and he must have been feeling so lonely and misunderstood, but Michael may have never known how strong he really was. He NEVER stooped down to the media's level, he remained dignified at all times, he never retaliated, his heart wasn't full of hate at all. Michael'a passion for music, singing and dancing fueled his strength to carry his head up high and be who he was, he changed for no one, that to me is a real man. I admire Michael for his strength, and I don't think he even knew how strong he could be. We all have a hero inside of us and that hero finds the strength to carry on. The hero inside of me was Michael. He was always there for me, he told me to keep the faith, he taught me to love, he taught me how to be strong.
But as we all now, in life the heroes always have to go away :cry: but they always remain on the mind and in the heart , but a real hero never really dies, and Michael's legacy just goes to show that he is still here in spirit, a true hero xxxx
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I love your post, you're so articulate and explained it so well. :cry: What more can I add? Everything you say is true and its a constant reminder that love concours everything, no matter what Michael went through he proved once and for all that he never lost faith in mankind and himself. He never quit. And we should'nt either. If Michael handled all that torture, so can we. The planet is a strange and mysterious place, it offers both good and bad and I dont think I will ever understand the meaning of our lives until the day I go too. All I hope is that there is a life after death and that Michael still knows he is very important to all of us and that he continues to impact all of our lives even if he isnt physically present anymore.
 
meena76_4MJJ_4Ever said:
I feel you, glad you are doing better. Me it's just a constant battle.

My emotions are in such turmoil, half the time I don't know which way I am going.

One minute I'm cool, not happy just cool. Next minute I'm sad which turns into me just ballin. Then I am angry as hell and want to kick everyones azz that is in my path. I just want to throw something and scream. I don't though people would just think I am really losing it. So I just let it run it course and then I go back to being cool. This is a constant cycle. I am hardly ever happy. More sad and angry than I have ever been in my life.
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I wish I had comforting words for you. I dont know what phase you are in regarding watching/thinking of Michael but Ive had a MJ-race day for the past 2 days since I watched the movie This Is It, Ive been blocking my feelings and Michael's life since the memorial but since yesterday Ive watched 3 interviews, 2 documentaries, 2 concerts, lots of full-version short films, listened through the entire Invincible album (since 2002!!) and I found it all very comforting... When doing so it feels like he is still alive, that everything is back to normal. I know it isnt, but at least we can still choose to look back on what has been, instead of erasing it. Im in a phase where I cant believe he is really dead. It felt so during the memorial, I felt his passing and what he had left behind him but few months on it dosnt feel like he is dead anymore and Im watching the headlines and Im looking at the memorial and I can barley get emotional because I cant believe its true, I KNOW its true but it dosnt feel that way. It only felt real when the news were delivered and the world stood still. Now Im either in denial or just past that phase. Now Im feeling he is still alive. Grief works in mysterious ways, I cant explain it but I sort of want to force my feelings and my tears but I cant, I feel like I need to cry to make me understand he is gone. Why cant I just enjoy the times Im not crying? Im odd. :(
 
meena76_4MJJ_4Ever said:
I feel you, glad you are doing better. Me it's just a constant battle.

My emotions are in such turmoil, half the time I don't know which way I am going.

One minute I'm cool, not happy just cool. Next minute I'm sad which turns into me just ballin. Then I am angry as hell and want to kick everyones azz that is in my path. I just want to throw something and scream. I don't though people would just think I am really losing it. So I just let it run it course and then I go back to being cool. This is a constant cycle. I am hardly ever happy. More sad and angry than I have ever been in my life.
Click to expand...

MichaelMySoul said:
I wish I had comforting words for you. I dont know what phase you are in regarding watching/thinking of Michael but Ive had a MJ-race day for the past 2 days since I watched the movie This Is It, Ive been blocking my feelings and Michael's life since the memorial but since yesterday Ive watched 3 interviews, 2 documentaries, 2 concerts, lots of full-version short films, listened through the entire Invincible album (since 2002!!) and I found it all very comforting... When doing so it feels like he is still alive, that everything is back to normal. I know it isnt, but at least we can still choose to look back on what has been, instead of erasing it. Im in a phase where I cant believe he is really dead. It felt so during the memorial, I felt his passing and what he had left behind him but few months on it dosnt feel like he is dead anymore and Im watching the headlines and Im looking at the memorial and I can barley get emotional because I cant believe its true, I KNOW its true but it dosnt feel that way. It only felt real when the news were delivered and the world stood still. Now Im either in denial or just past that phase. Now Im feeling he is still alive. Grief works in mysterious ways, I cant explain it but I sort of want to force my feelings and my tears but I cant, I feel like I need to cry to make me understand he is gone. Why cant I just enjoy the times Im not crying? Im odd. :(
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Aww guys, I really wish that I could give you a hug in person, but for the time being you can have a virtual hug :hug:
It just so scary to think how were going to be feeling after many years, I mean its been over 4 months now :cry: and there seems to be no ending to the heartache, its scary to think how its gonna feel after many years. Everything is just still raw :(
 
Hugs to you MichaelMySoul and to everyone else hurting in this thread.

*sigh* I jus...*sigh* :cry:
 
Hugs to the both of you. :cry: Ive been crying all day today, all the emotions I had are coming back and I dont know what Im more sad about; Michaels life or his death? All of it is tragic.

I feel Im becoming obsessed over him again and I cant stop myself from thinking about what his life had become and how much he was suffering. Did he know how much we really loved him? I dont think he ever understood it. Or wait I take that back, he knew we loved him because we knew he loved us.

I miss everything.. I miss the music, I miss his laughter, I miss the times when Michael didnt have all those trials and problems.. I miss the fact that I never got to see him or tell him how much he means to me. This day sucks. Its all coming back.. I thought I was doing good after the memorial. Michael was the worlds most judged and misunderstood person.
 
*HUGS TO YOU*

It's good you are letting it out. It's okay.

Keep Michaeling and keep the faith.

L.O.V.E.
 
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