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Thought I Was Getting Better....

Cinnamon234

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I thought I was getting better, but I just had a major breakdown just now. I was listening to the radio tonight and I was doing okay, until I heard singer Keith Washington's "Kissing You" . It's a love song and it's been one of my favorite songs for a while, but as soon as I heard him sing

"Thinking of you
That's all I seem to do
When you're not here
I long to hold you near"

I immediately started to sob because that's exactly how I feel about MJ. I've been trying soooooooo incredibly hard to be strong and not cry lately, but tonight was probably my worst night since I learned MJ died. I can barely type right now as I am crying so much but I just need to talk to other MJ fans right now. I know you guys are hurting too. It's so hard. I started to listen to the radio and thought about how many things MJ could never do again. He can't listen to music. He can't see his beautiful kids and family. He can't perform anymore. He can't experience life anymore. I am so broken up right now.

I've just realized that it will never get better for me. Devastated is an understatement for me. I am crying so much once again and am actually burying my face in my shirt right now to muffle my sobs. I'm afraid if I don't do that, i'll start sobbing loudly and wake up my whole house! I will never get over MJ's death. His music and video's are great, but it's only temporary comfort and relief for me. Once I turn off his music or sign out of youtube, I am reminded once again of the reality here that Michael is gone and not coming back :-(. I keep dreaming up silly thoughts in my head thinking maybe he is on vacation. Maybe he actually faked his death 'cause he just wanted to get away from everyone and all the negativity. Of course I know none of this is true, but sometimes telling myself all of this and being in denial makes his death easier for me to deal with.

I can't believe someone I didn't know personally has had such a big impact on me, but he has. I feel so alone sometimes, everyone else seems so happy. I have to force myself to smile and pretend to be happy around other people when deep down inside I know I'm a complete wreck over MJ. I can never get him off my mind. I try, but if I do think of something else it never lasts long. My thoughts always go back to MJ. Also, I have NO MOTIVATION anymore. If it's not about MJ, i'm usually not interested. I force myself to go to work and school everyday and put on a happy face. I force myself to put on a happy face in front of my family, friends and boyfriend. I pretend i'm okay, but no one knows that when i'm alone in my room at night, I lie there agonizing over MJ's passing and cry at times.

Ultimately, I know that i'll just learn to deal with it better with time and wont cry as much maybe, but it's something i'll never get over. Tonight has just been terrible for me. I miss him. The thing with Michael is that it's not like he was a really old man or had a terminal illness. It wasn't expected. It was such a HUGE shock when he died. He is someone who despite all the drama truly loved life and I am so upset his life was cut so short. No one can ever convince me it was his time to go:no:.
 
First of all I want to give you a hug :hug:

Im hurting so much too. Its almost 5 am here and I still havent slept! Every time I just lay in bed thinking about Michael. Every night I have had a dream about MJ and wake up feeling empty. Its been a month almost and I'm still in as much pain as when I found out. I dont think the pain will ever go away for me. I dont know how to carry on. I try to be strong but its so tough. Im scared for the future really. I've never felt a pain this great, I've never wanted anything more then Michael to just be ok. :cry: Michael loved life and loved so much about life. I am disturbed at the thought of Michael not being with his children, not getting to eat the foods he liked, not being able to dance, to sing.
I feel so sick :puke: my life is empty without Michael in it. :cry:

I am going to go and pray for Michael now because I feel thats all I really can do. :angel: :cry:
 
Hi Cinnamon234
I totally understand what you are going through. I too thougth i was getting better with the return of Uni and laods of new assignments and things to help me re-structure my life, but today on the bus i just felt this incredible sense of usurption ( pardon if that is not a legitamate word ) that ate away all the hope i've recently built up.
I felt so disconnected and dissociated from everyone who was on the bus. They just p*ssed me off and all i did was listen to Michael and feel deep, deep resentment and sadness. It was all coming back all over again.
I felt like i had to avenge him. It's kind of strange. You know in movies where a sons father dies and he feels like he needs to get revenge for the murderer of his father?
I kind of feel like that.
Theres a cataclysm of emotions fighting to win inside of me
 
:better:

I've tried doing the...I'm not going to be upset today...thing. Doesn't work. If you try not to cry or be upset it just ends up building up like it did for you today. I finally just said, screw it, I guess I'll just sit here and cry.

It will eventually get better, but it's not going to be fast. It will take time. And you'll do really good for a while and then out of the blue still cry. Grief is a funny thing that way. It's always sort of lurking.

It will be three years since my step mum was killed in a crash, this September. I do really good with it now, but it took a very long time. And once in a great while, I think of a memory or hear one of her favorite songs, and BAM! I just start bawling.

Out of that I learned to just take it as it comes and goes. It's all you can really do.

Hugs.
 
I also know how you are feeling. I also thought I was doing better. But this past Sunday I had really broke down and cry as I was watching this Bollywood movie call Mohabbatein. The movie is all about love and how some loves can last forever. Well parts of that movie really reminded me of the love that I have for Michael. Especially when Shahruhk Khan was singing the song Duniya Mein Kitni Hai Nafrate. OMG did that song ever made me cry. Because that song reminded me the most about my love for Michael. It is a short song the lyrics are:

For all the hatred in the world
Hearts are still full of love
Even after lovers have died
After their beloveds have perished
Their loves live on forever

That song just makes me cry every single time I hear it. Because it is just so meaningful to me and my love for Michael. Especially the last line of that song. I am still almost always crying over Michael. Like I was a few minutes ago. And now I have been having trouble sleeping because every single time I go to sleep I have another MJ dream. Where before sleep was my only escape from reality of where Michael is now. And as much I did love having those dreams. But now they are starting to become more vivid. Like the one I had woke up from yesterday morning freak me out. Because in that dream it was all over the news that Michael may have predicted his own death through one of his last songs. Just weeks before his death. He also did a video for that song and in that video it showed Michael of what he was doing just minutes before his death. I just know that my mind had to have made that up. But I still can't seem to get that dream out of my head. And it really makes me wonder if Michael is trying to tell me something. And I just wish I knew what it was. Now because of those dreams I am afraid to go to sleep because I just know I am just going to have another vivid dream about him.
And I remember about a month before Michael was found not guilty in 2005 I had a very vivid dream where Michael was found guilty on all charges of child molestation. But when I had woken up from that dream as upset as I was for having that dream. I took it as a sign that Michael is going to be found innocent instead of guilty. And I was right about that. And I do have some psychic abilities because I have predicted things that have came true before. So I am taken these MJ dreams a sign. And another thing I also still have been trouble eating. For these past few weeks I have lost over 20 pounds because I had little to no appetite. I can't seem to eat when I feel the way that I do. I still have to force myself to eat something.
Michael even though I have never met or saw him. Michael was more than just the love of my life. He was like a father to me. He was always there when I needed him the most. And he always had a way of making me feel better when I am not feeling well. I remember when I was 17 he once helped gotten rid of this really bad streph throat that I had. I have been really trying to stay strong but it is just so hard when I miss him so extremely much. I still thank god I have his music and his videos and stuff. And it does help ease my pain and help me remember Michael in a more happier time. But it makes me wish I could go back to that time when he was alive and happy. Especially during the Dangerous Era. It was just this morning I was watching the Pepsi Dreams commercial on you tube. And it made me absolutely cry when I saw how gorgeous Michael had looked in that commercial. He just looked so angelic in that commercial. And it made me miss him more than I already do. If I am like this now I can only imagine of how I am going to be like on his birthday. And I used to love to celebrate his birthdays in my own little way.
 
*Hugs To All Of You*

I realize that this is going to be a long journey for most of us on here. Sometimes you'll have bad times, other times you'll be okay. As I said, in time I think i'll be able to cope with it better but I will always be sad and feel an emptiness inside me due to MJ's passing.
 
The grieving process for all of us will be a long haul with lots of ups and downs. But I'd just like to say that we're all in this together and we'll come out the other side together :)
 
thrillerchild said:
The grieving process for all of us will be a long haul with lots of ups and downs. But I'd just like to say that we're all in this together and we'll come out the other side together :)
Click to expand...

That's a lovely way of putting it thrillerchild.

Cinnamon bless you, I so feel for you, as I cant sleep until almost dawn every night and am crying for Michael as badly as I did for when my own mother died. She was only 57yrs old when she died, and as they say ''the best die young''.

My prayers are for all those in pain, especially pain of losing a loved one.
We have lost the one we love. Michael. :angel:
 
MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
For all the hatred in the world
Hearts are still full of love
Even after lovers have died
After their beloveds have perished
Their loves live on forever
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing that lyric, MJsBollywoodGirl7. I'm not having the best day today and that made me feel a little better, thinking of the love we all have that will continue on.
 
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