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what the hell is wrong with me?

man.in.the.mirror

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dear all,after hearing the devastating news of michaels death as many of us were and still are, i was absolutely devastated,i booked myself and my family on a plane and went to l.a,i am still grieving really bad,deep down in my heart i know michael is really gone,but there is another side of me that doesn,t want to believe it,i found myself looking into all the hoax theories,i know i should just except the fact that he has gone,but i just can,t,does this make me bad?am i less of a fan for thinking this way?
there is to much mystery surrounding his death,which is feeding my imagination more,and building my hopes up too,i want to believe that it could be true ,but the logical side of me is saying don,t be stupid,
but there are to many unanswered questions about whole situation,so many things that just don,t add up at all,
i,ve been i fan for 23yrs ,a week today i was gonna be seeing him in concert,
i keep thinking no michael wouldn,t do anything like this to his fans,
but then the other side of me thinks,well what if michaels life was at risk and he had to go for his own protection,i soon as i try to come back to reality,my mind starts questioning things,i am so confused,does anyone else feel the same?

whats wrong with me?
 
There's nothing wrong with you - you're just wishing and hoping that he's still with us. I feel EXACTLY the same. I am half hoping that he's just safely tucked away somewhere, away from any danger, and finally free...... but then reality kicks in and I have to face facts that it seems he has gone.

Half the time I just don't know what to feel or think or believe. All I know for sure is that I miss and love him more today than I ever have before. I've been a fan since I was 8 - and I am now 32 xx
 
Becca77 said:
There's nothing wrong with you - you're just wishing and hoping that he's still with us.
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Agreed :cry:

nothin wrong with wishing...in fact, that's the thing that keeps me sane...thinking that he is still here even though I do know that he is not :(
 
i'm confused too. and miss him so much. i feel like my best friend, or brother has gone, not like someone i've never met. i think what's wrong with you is what's wrong with me too: we lost Michael who was closer to our hearts than anyone else. it's normal and it will pass as the time goes by... but we can't believe that now. my feelings are so powerful that words can't really express. But we're mike's fans and we don't need words, we feel.i feel like saying i love you man.in.the.mirror even if i don't know you in person. you're my family as all the true fans are.
 
There is nothing wrong with you. I feel the same really. There are probably people who are wondering what is wrong with me right now but I don´t care. I really hope that his death will not remain a mystery and that we will find out what really happend eventually. I think all the rumors are the hardest part.
 
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Linda74 said:
I think all the rumors are the hardest part.
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Yeah..... the rumours hurt. I am trying so hard to ignore all the tabloid BS as much as possible, and lets face it, we've had to do that for years anyway!

I just think that all of us community members are truly the only ones who understand each other. I know that none of my family or friends really understand how I'm feeling (with the possible exception of my daughter who is suffering very badly bless her - she's only 8 and misses him soooo much). We all MUST stick together and keep him 'alive' in the best way we can, by loving him and supporting his legacy forever more.

I class you ALL as my friends..... if you're a friend of Mike, then you're surely a friend of mine too!

Luv you all loads xx :) :)
 
My family is worried about me too. I can't help it though, I'm torn apart by grief and guilt. It's a wonder my husband hasn't divorced me and my mother put me under psychiatric help to try to get over this, but I don't want to. I want to love Michael, and I want to try to live by his example to spread love and peace across the world so that we no longer look at races as colours but as part of the human race, and I will keep on loving him until the day I die.

All that time I let myself get convinced in the lies and didn't even go and check on them myself to realise it didn't make sense and that he was a wonderful and fun-loving guy who was being racially discriminated against to try and put him down. My mother made me think he was a mentally disturbed man who was behaving inappropriately with children, was detaching himself from reality, was trying to look like a white man by bleaching his skin and overdoing surgery, and because he was a celebrity he didn't feel emotion like a normal person did so if he was in love with someone he'd write it in a song but not feel it in his heart and it'd be with another celebrity not a normal person like myself. I couldn't disagree with her because she would've beat the crap out of me if I did. If only she knew how much I loved him and how much it hurt to hear her say those words because I cried when I looked at him on the TV thinking "I love him so much, but he can't love me back because he can't feel it like I do and I'm not a celebrity."

I could've been there for him, I could've visited his ranch and become his friend. I could've lived my dream of being there for him and giving him love and comfort during his sad and lonely days. I could've been that strength he needed when he was feeling hurt over his divorce with Lisa and with what was going on at the courts. I could've testified to defend him in court and tell them he was like a best friend and that all the bad things said about him were a bunch of lies. There is so many could'ves that I feel I let him and myself down for not listening to my heart.

I don't think I'll ever get over this feeling of grief and guilt.

I never met him in person, I didn't think of him for 15 years, and yet I feel more of a connection with him than anyone else in my life. I love him deep down. I just wish I had the chance to love him while he was alive. I really did love him, even during the time I wasn't thinking of him I'd feel sad at the jokes against him and cry at his court picture where his face looked swollen, and I still love him but more than I ever did before.
 
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I think so much of our grief is that Michael has always been there. No matter what crap the world threw at us, Michael was always there, as safe and as close as he has been since many of us were kids. I went through school, college and much of my adult life with his music to uphold, comfort, touch, sooth and move me. Now he's gone and I think grieving the loss of someone who has been a friend for so many years is perfectly normal. He was always there, even in the middle of the night when no one else is.
And because of the shock and the suddeness of his death, I don't think I can actually believe it still.
 
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