I'm so messed up.

[WeAreTheWorld]

I'm just so messed up. I can't stop crying. I can't believe the tears wont run out or something... There should really be a limit to the amount of tears you're allowed to shed during a certain amount of time.... Jeez.
I'm still having the panic attacks, I'm still nauteous, I'm still screaming and having breakdowns and bla bla... The pain is stronger then ever and I still can't realize that he's actually gone. It hurts so much. I think I'm going insane. I don't know how to handle it. I've never felt this much pain, ever. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so dead inside.

But yet, in all this agony, I can't help but wanting to keep myself right where I am. I hate this and I want to just run away and flee away from it all... but at the same time, I'm terrified of getting over it.
I'm terrified of feeling better. I'm terrified of time passing.
I don't want to be over him! I don't want to go "Yeah, it's three / or four / or eight months ago now"... This pain is the only real proof I've got that he's once been a part of my life when he was alive. It's proof of my love to him, and by missing him I am making it clear that he did live. Not long ago at all. You know. But as time passes, I will probably begin to feel better and he will suddenly become a part of my past. I don't want him to become a part of the past.
I'm not talking about the music. He will live on through it and all that... I'm talking about him, being alive. The new pictures, videos, articles... You KNOWING he was out there.
It will be a thing of the past. And I'm just so terrified of that. I'm not ready to let go of him, ever. I don't know how to get through that, I really don't. I'm just so hurt. So messed up.

Does anyone understand what I am saying? I don't even know what I am saying... I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

[cathy]

i perfectly understand your pain. dont think in the manner that michael will be part of your past cuz he will be part of your future anyhow. time is "healing" somehow. just stay on track... things will never be the same again but its going to be ok. this is how life is...

 

[michaela_eve]

i feel the same...but i guess we can still thinking of him is somewhere out there...even its not in this world...he is up there with the angels and he will always smile

it is hurt yeah...i cant smile and i will never smile as i used to...and yes life will be different but...there's nothing we can do...let just see him as our future now...

 

[jenny*]

*hugs*

 

[Experience the magic]

Dealing with your grief is not the same as getting over MJ imo. The only thing that changes like you pointed out, is that there will be no more recent new photo's in the future. If we're lucky however, we will be blessed witht the new material Michael was working on or at the very least a dvd of the rehearsals. And as of now, 'new' pictures are popping up everywhere, be it that they were made before his passing.

Michael will be become a part of your past, he already is. We all grew up with him. But he can be a part of your future still. Not only through the music, but through everything he has done in his life and his dreams to heal the world and make it a better place. We are still a part of it and we will always be a part of it. Look at Elvis... the man passed away years and years ago, yet he' still a part of todays society. I really understand what you're feeling, but if we continue to make Michael part of our current life and future, perhaps dealing with his loss will be just a tiny bit easier.

 

[LindaC781]

Of course your still hurting, hun. It's not going to go away overnight...its only been a little over a week. I can't stop aching inside either. But if we keep talking about our feelings, they will diminish in time...It will just take time. Keep coming on here to talk about it okay? We love ya. Take care.

 

[WeAreTheWorld]

Michael will be become a part of your past, he already is. We all grew up with him. But he can be a part of your future still. Not only through the music, but through everything he has done in his life and his dreams to heal the world and make it a better place. We are still a part of it and we will always be a part of it. Look at Elvis... the man passed away years and years ago, yet he' still a part of todays society. I really understand what you're feeling, but if we continue to make Michael part of our current life and future, perhaps dealing with his loss will be just a tiny bit easier.

Michael will be a part of my future. Always. It's just that... He won't be a part of my future alive. I don't know. Thank you for writing that, really. But I just... I don't know. I don't know about anything. I am hurting too much right now to be able to respond properly to anything, I probably sound insane. Sorry.

 

[Experience the magic]

Michael will be a part of my future. Always. It's just that... He won't be a part of my future alive. I don't know. Thank you for writing that, really. But I just... I don't know. I don't know about anything. I am hurting too much right now to be able to respond properly to anything, I probably sound insane. Sorry.

You don't sound insane, you sound like a person who is mourning the loss of a legend. You are right in saying Michael won't be a part of your future in the flesh, but he will still be there. Right now that probably doesn't feel like reality to you, but it will become reality in time. Give yourself that time, give yourself that chance to mourn. It's not easy, but you can do it. And perhaps his memorial and/or funeral will help you with that. Either way, you'll get there, just give yourself time.

 

[WeAreTheWorld]

You don't sound insane, you sound like a person who is mourning the loss of a legend. You are right in saying Michael won't be a part of your future in the flesh, but he will still be there. Right now that probably doesn't feel like reality to you, but it will become reality in time. Give yourself that time, give yourself that chance to mourn. It's not easy, but you can do it. And perhaps his memorial and/or funeral will help you with that. Either way, you'll get there, just give yourself time.

I don't want time. That's the thing. I just HATE how time can go on like always when everything is just... crushed. I know I will have to move on, accept it, so I (in time) can begin to go back to just loving him like always again.
It's just that right now I'm a wreck. And I'm just writing because I need to... I don't know what I'm writing really. Thanks for responding though. For all it's worth, I really appreciate it.

 

[mj_sanya_7]

If you feel you need to post here, keep doing it.
We're listening...

 

[Tamou]

Darling, it feels like you're reading MY mind.
Rest assured you are not alone, far from alone, I understand completely what you mean. I'm giving you a big hug.

 

[LovelyOne]

Man, I've been one of Michael's hugest fans, but I just don't feel as miserable as some others I suppose. The only time I get angry/sad is when I think of how he was treated while he was alive by the media/haters, etc.

But as far as him being "dead", I don't feel that he is DEAD! He is still very alive to me! He is alive through his family, his music, his art, his words, his fans, his videos, his dance, etc...we will never forget Michael, so how can he be dead? The only way I ever knew him was through his music/his art...I never knew him personally, but the ways in which I knew him...through his work...are still here! His music, still here...his videos, still here. So as far as I'm concerned he is very much alive through what he has left behind.

Michael Jackson
1958-FOREVER!!!

 

[WeAreTheWorld]

But as far as him being "dead", I don't feel that he is DEAD! He is still very alive to me! He is alive through his family, his music, his art, his words, his fans, his videos, his dance, etc...we will never forget Michael, so how can he be dead? The only way I ever knew him was through his music/his art...I never knew him personally, but the ways in which I knew him...through his work...are still here! His music, still here...his videos, still here. So as far as I'm concerned he is very much alive through what he has left behind.

Michael Jackson
1958-FOREVER!!!

I know. It's just... he's not here anymore. I really understand the "I don't know what you got 'til it's gone" saying now. Ever since I was born, ever since I was smart enough to understand anything, I knew he was out there. I've cried because I though I wasn't going to see him. (which, btw, I was supposed to do. I had tickets to juy 26. But that's beside the point)
But even though I couldn't meet him, or see him, I knew he was out there. I knew he was doing something.
And just that, knowing that he might actually be eating right now just like me, or be playing with his kids, or sleeping... just knowing he was there. Doing something. It saved me. I never realized it, it ment more then I could ever imagine.
Knowing now that he isn't there. I just can't take it.

Eventually I will probably think like you. I want to. But right now I need to focus on just enduring this... thing. Getting out of this somehow. Alive preferably.

 

[mj_for_ever]

I'm terrified of feeling better. I'm terrified of time passing.
I don't want to be over him! I don't want to go "Yeah, it's three / or four / or eight months ago now"... This pain is the only real proof I've got that he's once been a part of my life when he was alive

I was talking about this in another thread.
DO NOT feel that you need to be sad in order to validate your fondness and fanship of Michael. All because you feel like you might get over it in a couple of weeks, months whatever, does not equate to anything that is remotely related to being over HIM as an artist and a peice of your life!

I've been grieving severely for about 3 weeks now, and i understand this type of anguish finally. I have never actually lost anyone close to me up until now and i know how much it hurts you. Sometimes you start to get delusional, hallucinate, and even the minutest things trigger off waves of physical and mental pain.
But all because you are starting to feel better, doesn't mean that you are starting to get over HIM!

Michael wouldn't of wanted us to be in so much pain ( and to have committed suicide in some cases ), we should all grieve for as long as we need, and help continue his legacy with pride and peace

 

[mj_for_ever]

But even though I couldn't meet him, or see him, I knew he was out there. I knew he was doing something.
And just that, knowing that he might actually be eating right now just like me, or be playing with his kids, or sleeping... just knowing he was there. Doing something. It saved me. I never realized it, it ment more then I could ever imagine.
Knowing now that he isn't there. I just can't take it.

This is a fact that i will be finding near impossible to adjust to for a long time. The fact that he is no longer ACTIVE in this world Physically. I agree, although he might've not been making a lot of music int he past couple of months, the fact that i saw him once in a while on some internet site, SPOTTED in DUbai or whatever, bought comfort in my heart. I never realized either how much i took for granted that two months ago whilst i was chatting on the net, or on Facebook, that he would've been just living his life active among us.
This is a sad fact that it is no longer the case :'(

 

[WeAreTheWorld]

I was talking about this in another thread.
DO NOT feel that you need to be sad in order to validate your fondness and fanship of Michael. All because you feel like you might get over it in a couple of weeks, months whatever, does not equate to anything that is remotely related to being over HIM as an artist and a peice of your life!

I've been grieving severely for about 3 weeks now, and i understand this type of anguish finally. I have never actually lost anyone close to me up until now and i know how much it hurts you. Sometimes you start to get delusional, hallucinate, and even the minutest things trigger off waves of physical and mental pain.
But all because you are starting to feel better, doesn't mean that you are starting to get over HIM!

Michael wouldn't of wanted us to be in so much pain ( and to have committed suicide in some cases ), we should all grieve for as long as we need, and help continue his legacy with pride and peace

I know. It's just... I'm terrified of forgetting how it was knowing he was alive. From now on I will love him when he's... not. And I'm so afraid of feeling like... "Oh, I can't believe he actually was alive at some point in my life". You know? I'm terrified of forgetting. I can't. It already feels all blurry. I can't really remember a time before this pain. And I'm so afraid that I will just.. forget. The feeling of knowing he was there.
Right now, I just can't move on. I'm just so afraid and so hurt.
This was'nt supposed to happen. I'm not ready for this. I can't take it.
I just don't know what to do.

 

[amym1958]

its wierd, reading all your posts. i thought i was alone and even though i hate the thought of anyone going through what im going through, its so reassuring to know you're all by my side. like michael said, we're all his children and so i guess that makes us all related. mj fans are the best in the world and im so proud to be a part of this community. the mj family. we all need to be there for eachother xxxx

 

[WeAreTheWorld]

its wierd, reading all your posts. i thought i was alone and even though i hate the thought of anyone going through what im going through, its so reassuring to know you're all by my side. like michael said, we're all his children and so i guess that makes us all related. mj fans are the best in the world and im so proud to be a part of this community. the mj family. we all need to be there for eachother xxxx

To be honest, I feel a little relieved that someone feels the same too. Even though I really wish for NO ONE to feel like this. Big hugs.
Yeah, we are just a big, loving family. I don't know what I would do without the fans, seriously. I want to help other fans, just like they've helped me. God bless y'all.

 

[snowhite]

I know what you mean I don't want to "move on" either but I won't I will preserve his memory as if he's still here. I try not to have too many distractions in my life and I decided not to waste my time anymore with things that are not important to me, I'm just going to concentrate on what really matters...and he's one of those things that I want to hold on to
and I know what you mean about not wanting to count the weeks, months and so on. I've been through this before, a few years ago I lost a close family member and up until last year I didn't even know how much time had passed since her death, I simply refused to count the years I don't know how to explain it but you just block everything from your mind. there was no time measurement for me because I didn't want to feel like there was any distance between us I wanted to stay stuck forever in that moment when she died and I stayed like that for years

 

[mj_for_ever]

Thankgod for the people we can talk to, before i joined this forum i was battling alone and it was so sinister that i felt like i was in another state. Sounds silly but im sure all of you understand me

 

[Emily.MJ]

i feel the same and everytime i try to express even by talking or writing, i get dumbstruck.. and i simply don't know wat to do.
i haven't gone out of my room since he passed away, i don't wana go out coz i feel everything is so unreal..like fake..
i stay up all night coz i cant sleep and i see him in everything, like when i blink i see him, every sight my eyes perceive is like stamped with Michael's face... then wen the morning comes i get exhusted of crying and shaking and i sleep for thirteen or fourteen hours...
every few hours, i get short breath. i don't know wat to do.....i try to talk myself out logically saying that i never lived with him, never had the chance to meet him... i should let go somehow and let him influnce me in a positive way, but nothing works...
i feel imprisioned in life... imprisioned in my own breath and heartbeat...
life seems so trivial... i am on antidepressants but they dont help..i really don't know wat to do..... i just wish the pain could go away...

 

[mj_for_ever]

i feel the same and everytime i try to express even by talking or writing, i get dumbstruck.. and i simply don't know wat to do.
i haven't gone out of my room since he passed away, i don't wana go out coz i feel everything is so unreal..like fake..
i stay up all night coz i cant sleep and i see him in everything, like when i blink i see him, every sight my eyes perceive is like stamped with Michael's face... then wen the morning comes i get exhusted of crying and shaking and i sleep for thirteen or fourteen hours...

ACTUALLY MY LIFE SO FAR, exactly what i've been going through, like exactly

 

[Emily.MJ]

ACTUALLY MY LIFE SO FAR, exactly what i've been going through, like exactly

my dear, as we feel exactly the same, i sure wish you aren't feeling what i am feeling... but i know where are parts of Michael's family in a way, and to us he is family.......and so you and i and many many here , we are sharing this grieve...
i know it doesnt help, but i wish you to know that my hand is with you , and if i could work out this situation in anyway, i will tell you right away if there's a way ... hold on my dear.. we are togther...

 

[CatherineNZ]

Doing something. It saved me. I never realized it, it ment more then I could ever imagine.
Knowing now that he isn't there. I just can't take it.

i know what you mean. talked about it somewhere - only after it happened i realized how my "inner" eyes were always fixed on Michael. and even though i didnt know what he was doing - i knew that for example he was in LA, or Tokyo, or London... i could imagine the globe and point out where he was. and it was helpful.

when he's gone, i was like "where is he? where is he?" and i know it's selfish but i'm just a human. he was like a friend and he really "taugh us by sharing his life". so i needed him being there. it's like holding his hand all the time. i'm sure you know what i mean

i still cannot wrap my mind about the idea of him being dead. and i just said to myself "if i can't believe that he's dead, may be he's not really". i dont mean he's alive in his body, i know he's body is dead. but i cannot believe that his soul is gone too. because nothing disappears in this universe but just changes forms. the body becomes earth, but the soul is immortal because it's not material.

so i thought to myself "ok i cannot point out where on Earth he is. but it doesnt matter he's gone forever. his soul might be somewhere doing something. because i cannot feel he's dead completely" and it brings some comfort to me. i'm not saying it comforts me completely because i miss him like a lost child. but in these moments as being said you have to look with your heart and believe what it tells you.

hugs

p.s. if you wanna talk sometime you can add me to msn uppsala_mow@hotmail.com
or icq 210 440 542 i think we all need friends or rather fellow fans to go through this nightmare. more hugs

 

[WeAreTheWorld]

i know what you mean. talked about it somewhere - only after it happened i realized how my "inner" eyes were always fixed on Michael. and even though i didnt know what he was doing - i knew that for example he was in LA, or Tokyo, or London... i could imagine the globe and point out where he was. and it was helpful.

when he's gone, i was like "where is he? where is he?" and i know it's selfish but i'm just a human. he was like a friend and he really "taugh us by sharing his life". so i needed him being there. it's like holding his hand all the time. i'm sure you know what i mean

i still cannot wrap my mind about the idea of him being dead. and i just said to myself "if i can't believe that he's dead, may be he's not really". i dont mean he's alive in his body, i know he's body is dead. but i cannot believe that his soul is gone too. because nothing disappears in this universe but just changes forms. the body becomes earth, but the soul is immortal because it's not material.

so i thought to myself "ok i cannot point out where on Earth he is. but it doesnt matter he's gone forever. his soul might be somewhere doing something. because i cannot feel he's dead completely" and it brings some comfort to me. i'm not saying it comforts me completely because i miss him like a lost child. but in these moments as being said you have to look with your heart and believe what it tells you.

hugs

p.s. if you wanna talk sometime you can add me to msn uppsala_mow@hotmail.com
or icq 210 440 542 i think we all need friends or rather fellow fans to go through this nightmare. more hugs

Jeez. I don't know why, but that just brought tears to my eyes. Really, thanks for those words. I think... I think I can get where you are in time. I would really like to. Because the way you describe it... it sounds just like me. Just like I would want to think right now.
Thank you. Or something. Hugs

 

[MJstarlight]

I feel like im losing it all the time. I have been so lonely, lost and depressed for days.. Crying and getting little sleep. Michael was like my comfort. Just knowing that he was here with us made me feel happy and was enough for me. He is my greatest inspiration, I could relate to him on so many levels. I love him so much. I just cant imagine him being gone. I cant imagine what that felt like or if he felt any pain or if he just stopped breathing in his sleep. I've never thought about death much until now and I've been thinking alot about it lately. I was scared of it and still am but now not as much. I really feel like Michael was my best friend and im broken without him. I would like to feel that he is with us all still in someway. I like to think there is some sort of life after death. We are not meant to know exactly what it is. But I keep looking up at the sky and praying that God will take care of Michael and he is with the choir of angels in the heavens, dancing with James Brown, looking down upon us all, all his friends, family, and fans seeing how much we love him!