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I'm still hurting bad

beccalovesmj

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i think i'm going through the 'denial' stage... it keeps hitting me something in my mind keeps going 'wait hes gone' and i feel like crying.
i dont understand - i was just reading a thread (called: an email i got 4 days before) and its made me feel really strange. if thats true... why didnt anyone help him.
this post maybe a bit wierd im jusr writing things down how they come out.
i wish i could go back in time.. i wish i was a dancer at his concerts.. i wish! i wish he was back.
i feeel really selfish because i know now he is out of pain and im happy about that but at the same time i wish he was here. i wish he never did these concerts maybe it wouldn't of happened?
or if he'd only done 10.
i was wondering.. if there was something visably wrong with him surly his children would of said something to som'eone? like if you notice something wrong with your parent you'd do something?
i dont know... i guess he looked fine. maybe this was murder :no: god i hate that word :doh: :bugeyed
my heart is hurting
his world is so confusing
how did he do this? im so proud of him - how did he carry on for so long.. hes so strong. so brave.

:angel:
 
*big hugs Becca* I'm not believing all that rubbish about him being skeletal, I refuse to believe it because I have not seen any evidence to prove that, and we will NEVER know. I have to keep out of that thread because it's making me angry and everyone is jumping to conclusions. We don't KNOW what killed him yet :(
 
beccalovesmj said:
i think i'm going through the 'denial' stage... it keeps hitting me something in my mind keeps going 'wait hes gone' and i feel like crying.
i dont understand - i was just reading a thread (called: an email i got 4 days before) and its made me feel really strange. if thats true... why didnt anyone help him.
this post maybe a bit wierd im jusr writing things down how they come out.
i wish i could go back in time.. i wish i was a dancer at his concerts.. i wish! i wish he was back.
i feeel really selfish because i know now he is out of pain and im happy about that but at the same time i wish he was here. i wish he never did these concerts maybe it wouldn't of happened?
or if he'd only done 10.
i was wondering.. if there was something visably wrong with him surly his children would of said something to som'eone? like if you notice something wrong with your parent you'd do something?
i dont know... i guess he looked fine. maybe this was murder :no: god i hate that word :doh: :bugeyed
my heart is hurting
his world is so confusing
how did he do this? im so proud of him - how did he carry on for so long.. hes so strong. so brave.

:angel:
Click to expand...
You're not being selfish for wanting him back Becca, you're just missing him like we all do and that's ok! Whatever his cause of death was, he is in a better place now. No leaches hunting him down, no press bathmouthing his every move, no trials and no tribulations. He left us mourning his passing, but I hope the though of him being ok now will give you that bit of strenght you need to make it through this day and the next. Let all the rumours be rumours, we wont know what really happend until the tox report comes out. And even then, it happend and there's nothing we can do to turn back time. All we can do now is make the best of now and keeping his memory and legacy alive. You can do it, have faith! :better:
 
hi becca, im sorry you are hurting. please know you arent alone and that what you are feeling is the rollercoaster of emotions that happens when someone we love dies. *hugs*
 
Hope you feel better soon beccalovesmj.
I said this before in another thread but we should feel lucky that our fanbase is SO strong and supportive. Us MJ fans are another kind. We've had to be strong for so long so in times of need, we're like steel.
There's help here whenever you need.
 
I am also hurting really bad. I have been trying to do better. But now I am back to the way I was when I first heard. I so badly wish it was me instead of Michael that had died. That way he will still be here.
 
MJ'sBollywoodGirl, pleae don't say things like that, you are here for a reason, you are special on this planet and your duty; to protect Michael's legacy and to love his children like their father does every day.

*big hugs to both you and Becca* We sure do have an armour of steel :)
 
I've played through so many "what if"s and "if only"s in my head. If only just one little thing were different. It still is hard for me to accept too.

Becca, you mention wishing you were a dancer at his concerts -- do you like to dance or are you a dancer? I like to dance for fun and as an artistic outlet. This may sound strange, but dancing around my apartment alone has helped a little bit in my grief, just feeling the music in my body.

Sending good wishes to you!
 
I know what you mean. That email thread has also made me feel really weird. This just seems so bad that it has to be some nightmare that I'm gonna wake up from. I just can't believe it. My heart is hurting too, sometimes it's unbearable. But we have to be strong. I miss him so much. :(
 
a fan from ehre who i've got really close with who was going to the concerts next week and is still going to london next week we;re really good friends now like talk on the phone and everything and i wanted to go to london and meet up with her and stuff and pay tribute to mike but mum said no today and i feel like crying so much again.
i've put bucharest dvd on so i have an excue to cry at will you be there heal the world and mitm but omg :boohoo

i feel so upset
this wasnt how it was supposed to be

:boohoo

omg
 
beccalovesmj said:
a fan from ehre who i've got really close with who was going to the concerts next week and is still going to london next week we;re really good friends now like talk on the phone and everything and i wanted to go to london and meet up with her and stuff and pay tribute to mike but mum said no today and i feel like crying so much again.
i've put bucharest dvd on so i have an excue to cry at will you be there heal the world and mitm but omg :boohoo

i feel so upset
this wasnt how it was supposed to be

:boohoo

omg
Click to expand...

*hugs* you're not alone!!!!!!!
 
Yes that was a big mistake :lol: Bless you..

Soon though, you will be able to listen to those emotional songs with a dance and a grateful smile.. It's so hard at the moment, but we will be okay, we're in this together.
 
i just thought of a line from an old primary school song we used to sing but i can only rember bits of it its called trust can build a dream
the first line is
'i'd climb the highest mountain just to touch your gentle hand'

i want the rest of the song but its not like a pop song its one i sang at school so its probably not anywhere :( but that first line is beautiful. i have the tune in my head!

oh i think anoter line is
'i'll give you courage light the night and guide you through the day'
then i might be making this one up but i think its 'somehow i;ve known you all my life although your far away'
woah this song is spookily accurate!
 
Aww :) Maybe you could ask some old school friends if they remember?
 
i've been going through denial, too, and in the past few days, was taken in by the death hoax theory. the reasons, if it was true, was hugely understandable, and i would be supportive of him. thoughts of him resting away from all the pressure and beginning to mind his eating and medication habits until he feels he is in tip-top shape again, were so seductive it gave me a natural high.

but then i realized it would all the more hamper me from moving on. it's much better for my sanity to accept what happened, and try to move on.
 
I am still very much hurting over Michael. As I sit here on my bed crying and listening to Michael. I am still wishing I was dead right now. Maybe I should have commited suicide. That way I don't have to deal with these 2 evil people I am forced to live with. Because they had really hurt me last night of what they had said to me. They don't care that I am still hurting over the loss of Michael. And what made it worst for me. Is when my mother's husband had called Michael a stupid worthless piece of sh!t of a n!gg*r. This is why I so badly wish I was with Michael now. Because he always gave me the comfort that I needed. And that is what I so badly miss. Because there is absolutely nobody in my family that understands why I love Michael so much. And what he has meant to me.
 
MJsBollywoodGirl, I am SO sorry you have to live with someone who says that about someone you truely care about. I am very lucky in that aspect as my mom is very understanding, though I don't cry in front of her, I know she is there if I need some additional support.

How old are you? Is there a way that you could get out of there, or perhaps stay with someone else for a while, whilst you are grieving? :hug:
 
MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
I am still very much hurting over Michael. As I sit here on my bed crying and listening to Michael. I am still wishing I was dead right now. Maybe I should have commited suicide. That way I don't have to deal with these 2 evil people I am forced to live with. Because they had really hurt me last night of what they had said to me. They don't care that I am still hurting over the loss of Michael. And what made it worst for me. Is when my mother's husband had called Michael a stupid worthless piece of sh!t of a n!gg*r. This is why I so badly wish I was with Michael now. Because he always gave me the comfort that I needed. And that is what I so badly miss. Because there is absolutely nobody in my family that understands why I love Michael so much. And what he has meant to me.
Click to expand...

I'm so sorry hun, that's not nice at all. :no: I don't really know what to say...*hugs*

Becca - I think I recognise that song! I think we sang it as well, let me know if you get the lyrics. I can only very vaguely remember it.
 
I'm 29 and no there isn't. What makes it even worst for me is that got absolutely no friends where I live. Well all except for my almost 14 year old cat. She is the only one that doesn't care that I am a Michael Jackson fan. I would so love to get out if I could. But I can't because I got no money and I sure as hell can't drive. Because of that stupid car accident that I was in when I was 16 years old. And even if I could drive I got no place to go to. Except really wanting to be in Heaven with Michael.
 
I'd climb the highest mountain just to touch your gentle hand
And there I'll build some hope for you I know you'll understand
I'll walk across the burning sands no shoes upon my feet
I'll travel to the promise land my journey is complete

Trust can build a dream
Believe your heart inside
Trust can build a dream thats real
To last in peaceful times

You give me courage light the night and guide me through the day
Somehow I've known you all my life you've helped me all the way
Ten thousand years behind us its time for us to change
A whole new world behind us our love will spark the flame.

Trust can build a dream
Believe your heart inside
Trust can build a dream thats real
To last in peaceful times

Trust can build a dream
Believe your heart inside
Trust can build a dream thats real
To last in peaceful times

Thats the song!!!!
My sister helped me remember the words!
I love it so much
 
its hard to make sense of our emotions when weve been devastated. some days it feels like youre coping and the next day everything can feel like a mess and you feel lost. just know there are people on here who care about you. slowly but surely as a community we will get through this.
 
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I thought i was begining to feel better until i listened to Gone too Soon.
Im not listening to anymore of his sad songs. Im so sick of crying.
 
hey everyone , im so glad to be in here...dealing with my pain. i didnt know about this site but a friend told me about it. ive been down since i heard about Mike ...i cant stop crying. He came into my life when i was 5 cos my parents gave me the thriller album and a white bear with love me signs on its legs for my birthday. It was just perfect to call him Mike - the genie bear after genious cos i cant really explain how amazing Michael is. i still got my bear in my bed...i feel he s watching me and kissing my cheeks while im asleep. Anyway , i feel for everybody who is in here mourning , its not fear that a kind , adorable angel dies that early. i have mixed emotions cos i still cant believe it:( Ur always with me Michael
 
Welcome digeniebear :)

MjsBollywoodgirl, maybe you could start to use this as a new turning point in your life. Maybe you could see if there are any jobs available near you?
 
im so grateful to be a part of this site and communicating with other mj fans. i believe we need each other now more than ever, if anything just to be there for one another and offer support and listen.
 
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