How do you get through those rough days?

[Spyce]

I feel really weird asking this because it seems silly, but I really would like some input from people.

I've recently found myself feeling down whenever I think of Michael. Sometimes I'll put on his music, sing along, dance around... but then there's times when I think about him, and I cry. I'm angry for everything he had to go through in life and how he was treated, but mainly I'm just upset because he's no longer here.

Does anyone else ever go through periods like that? How do you deal with it? I know the feeling will eventually pass and I'll be back to my regular self, but that sometimes take days and I don't want to spend days at a time all walled-off and depressed, ya know.

 

[xosweetseducingsighsxo]

Woah, and here I was thinking I was the only one who experienced days exactly like that. For one thing, when I go through, as I call it, "the lousy period". I call it that because I actually feel lousy, helpless, and depressed. I don't know how it happens, I guess I'll be listening to Michael and then the realization hits that he's not here anymore, or maybe a person's ignorant comment about him will tick me off and make me realize it. My way to get through it-- I have no clue if you're into astrology, meditating or anything like that, but that's what I do. I sit in my room, on the floor, and just meditate. There's this song by Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes, that I play called A New Star Is Born while doing it. Trust me when I say it helps a lot. >>>> And yes I have my lousy days when I think of her too.

 

[wendijane]

:better: to both of you . Well knowing we have MJJC is a great help.

 

[Spyce]

Thank you xosweetseducingsighsxo and wendijane :hug:

I've never meditated, but I can certainly give it a try, and see if that will help at all. You'd think that, in time, it would get easier, but it doesn't. I have a story, of how he impacted my life, that I would love to share and maybe that will make me feel better. But I have to write it up first. I've started to a couple times, but then I just start crying and I never finish.

 

[Mechi]

Sometimes it's good and just needed to cry... I usually just let it go.
I've learned through some losses about myself, that it's of no good (neither for me nor for others) to put myself under pressure... like being upset about my actual emotions. However when I feel I seem to get lost into depression usually to work in the garden helps me... sounds funny maybe but it does help. I love how the garden developes with just a little help from my hands.

 

[HazelOfNeverland]

I go through periods like this as well. The fact that almost 5 years later we're still going through this just shows how incredibly loved he was and is.
Just the other day I was having a decent day and I was listening to his music, and out of the blue I just broke down crying. It's insane the kind of impact he has.
One thing that helps me is reading his book, dancing the dream. It's so calming and peaceful. :flowers:
And as xosweetseducingsighsxo said, meditating can help too.

 

[Science Freak]

I had those moments in life probably most around the time we didn't have him on the moments we used to have him. Like a beautiful summer which was a sad summer in 2009. A sad Christmas in 2009. I missed him alot, but now I have coped really good with the missing of Michael.

All what is left now are memories, music and last but certainly not least - The Dance.
I always feel some kind of energy when I dance to the music of Michael. Not to impersonate him, but to make it myself. To let the music in my body and let my energy and his music/energy come as one. Be as one.

I always use him as my guide, but I keep the distance I once didn't take.
I once was a very enthusiastic MJ fan and wanted to know everything about him, only listened to his music, I actually didn't release I isolated myself from the world. While my other classmates went to several parties with great music, I didn't go there because Michael was the only one in the world with great music. (or I thought so) And when he died I was broken. And if you have nobody but your family it's really hard to cope with this all.

So now 5 years later I mostly listen to current Pop/Dance music. Not to become isolated again and actually live my life and not to live the life of a fan from a passed away man.
Because if you are an active Michael fan nowaday the sad parts of Michael's life will track you and will have you isolated.
The best thing to do is to listen to Michael and to cherish the memories, but to keep away from only listening to Michael. And to do the things you love to do. Without Michael in your mind.

Now I make my directions, not to make directions from the perspective of an MJ fan.
I think this is the best way for me to get to live again.

 

[wendijane]

I'm glad we have this thread
And each other

 

[Spyce]

I had those moments in life probably most around the time we didn't have him on the moments we used to have him. Like a beautiful summer which was a sad summer in 2009. A sad Christmas in 2009. I missed him alot, but now I have coped really good with the missing of Michael.

All what is left now are memories, music and last but certainly not least - The Dance.
I always feel some kind of energy when I dance to the music of Michael. Not to impersonate him, but to make it myself. To let the music in my body and let my energy and his music/energy come as one. Be as one.

I always use him as my guide, but I keep the distance I once didn't take.
I once was a very enthusiastic MJ fan and wanted to know everything about him, only listened to his music, I actually didn't release I isolated myself from the world. While my other classmates went to several parties with great music, I didn't go there because Michael was the only one in the world with great music. (or I thought so) And when he died I was broken. And if you have nobody but your family it's really hard to cope with this all.

So now 5 years later I mostly listen to current Pop/Dance music. Not to become isolated again and actually live my life and not to live the life of a fan from a passed away man.
Because if you are an active Michael fan nowaday the sad parts of Michael's life will track you and will have you isolated.
The best thing to do is to listen to Michael and to cherish the memories, but to keep away from only listening to Michael. And to do the things you love to do. Without Michael in your mind.

Now I make my directions, not to make directions from the perspective of an MJ fan.
I think this is the best way for me to get to live again.

You hit the nail on the head my friend. That is exactly what I've been experiencing the last couple weeks. Isolation.

I have spent so much time researching him the past couple weeks- and the more research I do, the more I like him, respect him and appreciate him. And it saddens me and angers me that he's not here any more. I've gotten very snappy and defensive when people talk smack because I feel very protective of Michael. I just want to tell people to shut up because they are talking out of their asses.

Anyway, I feel a connection to his music and his story. Like Michael, I have always felt misunderstood and judged and I've said it so many times- if people only knew my story, they might just look at me a little differently. They might finally understand why I am the way I am. So as I began learning more about him, I felt something I have never in my life felt before: I felt like somebody understood. Like somebody out there "got it". Like there was somebody out with a personality similar to mine. And that feeling hit me really hard, to the point that I started sobbing. So wanting to keep feeling that connection (which, strange as it may sound, makes me feel good) I would do more and more and more research which has just kept me isolated. It's a vicious cycle that continuously feeds itself.

It's gotten better the last few days, though. Getting out of the apartment and going to work has definitely helped, but even at work all I do is listen to him (I think my co-workers are getting irritated, haha). I try to think on the happier times though. For example, any time I see the "I love to tour" clip, I laugh! Or I'll just browse YouTube for those "funny and cute Michael" videos that people assemble.

In time, I am sure my brain will open back up and he won't take up so much residency, but I can definitely say I will never forget him and the impact his story has had on my life

I'm glad we have this thread
And each other

Me too, Wendi. Me too Even though I am still pretty new here, I am fully enjoying getting to interact with everyone.

 

[Daryll748]

Welcome Spyce :ciao:

No, it's really NOT 'out of place' to feel still lost even after almost 5 years. I still have my good and indeed, BAD days too. March is a tough month for me. One where I get all defensive cause I don't want to feel depressed any more. I want to live but a huge part of me has died.

I've tried all the above... Meditation, getting out, trying to make new friends, going to college but the ONLY thing that seems to work is being here listening to Michael's music that calms my brain while I'm Michaeling.

The thing that is also quite healing for me is 'reconnecting' with nature. I go for a brisk walk to go tree spotting and just walking off my sadness cause when my body is tired, my brain is refreshed to write reflections, stories.

I'm a storyteller so I'm glad that I can 'escape' in my stories too. I especially love the ones where I keep Michael 'alive'. To some, it's seen as 'denial' or 'not coping' but it keeps me alive and above all happy.

I've tried to live in the BIG BAD world :cheeky: but it only makes me grumpy and miss Michael more so I do need my 'dose' of Michaeling especially in the morning if I have to do some Admin stuff :blush:

But, I've seen that we all carry the loss very different... There is no 'golden' rule of how to cope with rough days... It's a trial and error to see what gets YOU through the day...
Some just abandon their 'previous' lives and some like me, still need that 'safety line' ( MJJC :wub: ) to cope with everyday life which has NO 'psychical' Michael in it any more... It's been a tough 5 years but indeed...
It does getter better cause like I said I do have GOOD days and not so much BAD days any more cause I have MJJC here to have as HOME and I have my passions...

Passions as in being a 'Resident writer' keeps you busy and build up your strength and dignity again! It keeps you from being eating alive by the grief monster :blink:

So to wrap this up, I would end by saying everyone stands his ground different and it's no shame to feel sad. Pushing away how you feel only makes it more worse so whenever I feel doom upon me, I escape in nature, in stories, in Michaeling and I come back 'refreshed'.

Thanks for this 'topic' that is still needed cause indeed I never thought Michael would have such an lasting effect on us. I love him from here to the moon as they say but I never realized how deeply rooted he is in my brain and soul :blush:

Have a Great day,

Daz.

 

[Spyce]

Welcome Spyce :ciao:

No, it's really NOT 'out of place' to feel still lost even after almost 5 years. I still have my good and indeed, BAD days too. March is a tough month for me. One where I get all defensive cause I don't want to feel depressed any more. I want to live but a huge part of me has died.

I've tried all the above... Meditation, getting out, trying to make new friends, going to college but the ONLY thing that seems to work is being here listening to Michael's music that calms my brain while I'm Michaeling.

The thing that is also quite healing for me is 'reconnecting' with nature. I go for a brisk walk to go tree spotting and just walking off my sadness cause when my body is tired, my brain is refreshed to write reflections, stories.

I'm a storyteller so I'm glad that I can 'escape' in my stories too. I especially love the ones where I keep Michael 'alive'. To some, it's seen as 'denial' or 'not coping' but it keeps me alive and above all happy.

I've tried to live in the BIG BAD world :cheeky: but it only makes me grumpy and miss Michael more so I do need my 'dose' of Michaeling especially in the morning if I have to do some Admin stuff :blush:

But, I've seen that we all carry the loss very different... There is no 'golden' rule of how to cope with rough days... It's a trial and error to see what gets YOU through the day...
Some just abandon their 'previous' lives and some like me, still need that 'safety line' ( MJJC :wub: ) to cope with everyday life which has NO 'psychical' Michael in it any more... It's been a tough 5 years but indeed...
It does getter better cause like I said I do have GOOD days and not so much BAD days any more cause I have MJJC here to have as HOME and I have my passions...

Passions as in being a 'Resident writer' keeps you busy and build up your strength and dignity again! It keeps you from being eating alive by the grief monster :blink:

So to wrap this up, I would end by saying everyone stands his ground different and it's no shame to feel sad. Pushing away how you feel only makes it more worse so whenever I feel doom upon me, I escape in nature, in stories, in Michaeling and I come back 'refreshed'.

Thanks for this 'topic' that is still needed cause indeed I never thought Michael would have such an lasting effect on us. I love him from here to the moon as they say but I never realized how deeply rooted he is in my brain and soul :blush:

Have a Great day,

Daz.

You're welcome, and I'm also glad I started this. I know that people miss him, but I had no idea that people feel the same as I do. I thought I was crazy or something for being totally crazy about a man who's gone. I'm glad I'm not alone

I like music. I spent a great deal of my life (well, up until I graduated high school anyway) in chorus, and even played in the school band for 3 years in junior high. Singing has to be the greatest escape for me. I love being able to put on my stereo (computer nowadays, haha) and just release it all. Michael's is my favorite to play because his music is so full of emotion, so when I sing his stuff, I am just releasing everything that's inside of me. I just wish I could do it more often, or as loud as I want. It's hard living in an apartment building because I'm afraid my neighbors will hear me and tell me to shut up or something. So, at least these days, I don't get to sing out like I want to, and like I know I can

 

[Daryll748]

Well, Spyce :ciao: We're the MJ family Michael 'raised' :blush: I'm glad you found your way here :clap:

Indeed, a lot of peeps are even 'stunned' to see the change in you when you're in the Michael 'sphere' . I'm MORE focused too and above calmer cause otherwise I'm a 'ticking time bomb'

If you see us we'll say we're okay and fine but underneath we 'fall apart' cause a huge part of us has simply died:blush: I 'hate' to compare us to 'widows who lost their loved ones' but in fact it does FEEL like that though.

That's COOL that you can 'cope' this way... Like I said, we all have our own 'coping skills' to make it through another day.

I know all about living in a flat with 'thin walls' and neighbours who don't 'get' you, duh! I do listen a lot with headphones on :doh: Oh, I do have a 'silent' hobby cause I don't think keyboards make much 'noise' do they? ;D

Well, MJJC is build to honour Michael and preserve his legacy! :wub:

I will always support fellow fans and be that 'shoulder to cry on' cause I really know how it feels to MISS Michael every minute of the day :blush:

I'm also here to share my cherished memories and to take you to places you've never been before

Much L.O.V.E,

Daz.

 

[Science Freak]

You hit the nail on the head my friend. That is exactly what I've been experiencing the last couple weeks. Isolation.

I have spent so much time researching him the past couple weeks- and the more research I do, the more I like him, respect him and appreciate him. And it saddens me and angers me that he's not here any more. I've gotten very snappy and defensive when people talk smack because I feel very protective of Michael. I just want to tell people to shut up because they are talking out of their asses.

Anyway, I feel a connection to his music and his story. Like Michael, I have always felt misunderstood and judged and I've said it so many times- if people only knew my story, they might just look at me a little differently. They might finally understand why I am the way I am. So as I began learning more about him, I felt something I have never in my life felt before: I felt like somebody understood. Like somebody out there "got it". Like there was somebody out with a personality similar to mine. And that feeling hit me really hard, to the point that I started sobbing. So wanting to keep feeling that connection (which, strange as it may sound, makes me feel good) I would do more and more and more research which has just kept me isolated. It's a vicious cycle that continuously feeds itself.

It's gotten better the last few days, though. Getting out of the apartment and going to work has definitely helped, but even at work all I do is listen to him (I think my co-workers are getting irritated, haha). I try to think on the happier times though. For example, any time I see the "I love to tour" clip, I laugh! Or I'll just browse YouTube for those "funny and cute Michael" videos that people assemble.

In time, I am sure my brain will open back up and he won't take up so much residency, but I can definitely say I will never forget him and the impact his story has had on my life





Me too, Wendi. Me too Even though I am still pretty new here, I am fully enjoying getting to interact with everyone.

I think everyone has this period of time when you are devoted and less devoted to someone-something.
For me, from 2002 till 2009 had been an devoted MJ era and like I said I became isolated.
My approach to life is not to live again like I used to. When I was in your position, but the man was still alive, I used to hang on MJNO and MJJC for 3-4 hours a day. He was so important to me. But like I said before, my world collapsed when he died and what did I archieve besides hanging on forums for a man I loved?
Sometimes I look back at life like I'm 80 years old and see my childhood pure focussing on The One and Only...But was this One and Only (Michael) the only thing to focus on?
I opened my mouth when my classmates were saying bad things about him, I felt this kind of anger when I heard this. Why would they share their opinion about the man I loved? But then you just let it go and their nonsense, their humor won't hurt you anymore. And in the end everyone is entitled to their own opinions based on false or righteous arguments, though we are not in the position to become angry at the people who think they know the man, but in fact they don't. And we can be called blessed that we live in this time who had him and loved him.

I think MJ reaches out to a specific kind of human being, the one who is softly and tender, the one who wants to make a step forward, not the one who keeps it in their own pace like everyone else does. And so I became MJ devoted because I too had this kind of feeling that Michael reaches out to me in his art.
I too felt sometimes misunderstood and I had this feeling that not everyone knew me like I really am.
This is sometimes really fresh, really now during these times, for example: I love chivalry, I'm a guy who loves to be a gentleman and that's the way I am. Nowadays people just don't realize how wrong the situation is. Like when guys go to a club. The only thing they have in their mind is: find a girl, take her with you and have sex with her. And every guy I have in my surroundings thinks like this. And then they ask me: Lars, how many girls have you kissed or had sex with?
And i'm like: just one girl I loved.
They are shocked and I'll explain them that not everything is based on kissing or sex. It's the bond between people that counts. I tell them I can have a great evening with a girl only dancing and have a drink together, talking, laughing in harmony. And then I feel sometimes alienated, strange. Am I so strange? Am I maybe to connected with the deeper wisdom of love.
But then I listen to Michael and I know I'm not the only guy who is like me. So Michael is really helping everyone who feels they are misunderstood.
So I totally understand the way you feel! Nothing wrong with that

You should do what you want to do. And if Michael makes you happy with listening to his music or videos fans made, then you should do that. But just keep in mind that there are more things than Michael out there waiting for you, on you and you just need to make that one step to fullfill your journey to an other location. Use him as a guide and everything will be good

 

[Spyce]

You should do what you want to do. And if Michael makes you happy with listening to his music or videos fans made, then you should do that. But just keep in mind that there are more things than Michael out there waiting for you, on you and you just need to make that one step to fullfill your journey to an other location. Use him as a guide and everything will be good

That's the decision I have come to- I don't care what others say or think. I mean, I do. But I don't, ya know? I'm just going to keep listening to him, watching him, coming here... screw what others say. I was in therapy this morning and I had a sudden realization: I've been so scared to tell people that I've become a full-blown fan because I totally understand how people feel about him. People still kick dirt on him, so I've felt like, "Oh god, is there something wrong with me? Do they see or know something that I don't?" But then it hit me... no. There's nothing wrong with me. There's something wrong with others because they don't see what I see. They have been blinded by lies.

As for there being more out there for me- I'm sure there is. But right now, I am good. I am so happy since I "re-discovered" him. My confidence is up, my attitude is positive, my stress and anxiety have gone down considerably. I've even lost 20 lbs in the last month simply by rocking out to his music. He's really had a huge positive impact on my life. And I don't want to stray from that. At least not now. Maybe some day I'll move on, but for now- why fix what isn't broken?

Well, Spyce :ciao: We're the MJ family Michael 'raised' :blush: I'm glad you found your way here :clap:

Indeed, a lot of peeps are even 'stunned' to see the change in you when you're in the Michael 'sphere' . I'm MORE focused too and above calmer cause otherwise I'm a 'ticking time bomb'

If you see us we'll say we're okay and fine but underneath we 'fall apart' cause a huge part of us has simply died:blush: I 'hate' to compare us to 'widows who lost their loved ones' but in fact it does FEEL like that though.

That's COOL that you can 'cope' this way... Like I said, we all have our own 'coping skills' to make it through another day.

I know all about living in a flat with 'thin walls' and neighbours who don't 'get' you, duh! I do listen a lot with headphones on :doh: Oh, I do have a 'silent' hobby cause I don't think keyboards make much 'noise' do they? ;D

Well, MJJC is build to honour Michael and preserve his legacy! :wub:

I will always support fellow fans and be that 'shoulder to cry on' cause I really know how it feels to MISS Michael every minute of the day :blush:

I'm also here to share my cherished memories and to take you to places you've never been before

Much L.O.V.E,

Daz.

I'm glad I found my way here, too I did register for the forums at michaeljackson.com, but I just don't think that site is kept up with any more. As a web designer, I see so much that could be fixed and it drove me crazy going there. You can't even start your own thread. Somebody has to let you use one of their old/dead threads. Like, wth? Too much effort for my tastes. But it's a good thing, because I found this place instead and I am much happier here than I ever could have been there Thank you all for your hard work keeping this site going. Hopefully we'll still be coming here for years and years to come

And I heard (I think it was in something Gaz posted, I honestly can't remember), but he said that Michael would come here just to see all the nice things people would say? How cool is that? I mean, it's sad that he had to turn to the internet for that and he didn't get it from the restof the outside world, but that's so awesome you guys were able to give him that. That's such a beautiful gift

 

[Treasure]

That's the decision I have come to- I don't care what others say or think. I mean, I do. But I don't, ya know? I'm just going to keep listening to him, watching him, coming here... screw what others say. I was in therapy this morning and I had a sudden realization: I've been so scared to tell people that I've become a full-blown fan because I totally understand how people feel about him. People still kick dirt on him, so I've felt like, "Oh god, is there something wrong with me? Do they see or know something that I don't?" But then it hit me... no. There's nothing wrong with me. There's something wrong with others because they don't see what I see. They have been blinded by lies.

As for there being more out there for me- I'm sure there is. But right now, I am good. I am so happy since I "re-discovered" him. My confidence is up, my attitude is positive, my stress and anxiety have gone down considerably. I've even lost 20 lbs in the last month simply by rocking out to his music. He's really had a huge positive impact on my life. And I don't want to stray from that. At least not now. Maybe some day I'll move on, but for now- why fix what isn't broken?



I'm glad I found my way here, too I did register for the forums at michaeljackson.com, but I just don't think that site is kept up with any more. As a web designer, I see so much that could be fixed and it drove me crazy going there. You can't even start your own thread. Somebody has to let you use one of their old/dead threads. Like, wth? Too much effort for my tastes. But it's a good thing, because I found this place instead and I am much happier here than I ever could have been there Thank you all for your hard work keeping this site going. Hopefully we'll still be coming here for years and years to come

And I heard (I think it was in something Gaz posted, I honestly can't remember), but he said that Michael would come here just to see all the nice things people would say? How cool is that? I mean, it's sad that he had to turn to the internet for that and he didn't get it from the restof the outside world, but that's so awesome you guys were able to give him that. That's such a beautiful gift

Glad to see people like you here ....because my worst fear is that in about a few years from now ...all Forums will die because of the lack of interest for Michael ....... how sad would that be huh?

I rediscovered Michael also .....after he died I start to watch everything there is too watch (Man am I glad there is so much to see and read and listen)
I'm thankful for everything Michael left us, so we can comfort ourselves with his music etc, and how good it is to do this with people who understands you, just because they feel the same.

All this changed me as a person, wife, mum and friend ..I know I let people down because of my love for Michael, yes , unfortunately I lost friends because of this...I tried to explain, but what would they know?
Now almost 5 years later I am sure Michael lead me this way ...just to teach me about love and to give me a lot of new friends who understand me and accept me the way I really am!
Yes I rediscovered Michael and with that I rediscovered myself as well

When I'm sad, or think I need help in any kind of way, I just say a prayer....He's there to help us, I really believe in that!

I hope this forum stays forever and so the fans!

 

[Spyce]

Glad to see people like you here ....because my worst fear is that in about a few years from now ...all Forums will die because of the lack of interest for Michael ....... how sad would that be huh?

I rediscovered Michael also .....after he died I start to watch everything there is too watch (Man am I glad there is so much to see and read and listen)
I'm thankful for everything Michael left us, so we can comfort ourselves with his music etc, and how good it is to do this with people who understands you, just because they feel the same.

All this changed me as a person, wife, mum and friend ..I know I let people down because of my love for Michael, yes , unfortunately I lost friends because of this...I tried to explain, but what would they know?
Now almost 5 years later I am sure Michael lead me this way ...just to teach me about love and to give me a lot of new friends who understand me and accept me the way I really am!
Yes I rediscovered Michael and with that I rediscovered myself as well

When I'm sad, or think I need help in any kind of way, I just say a prayer....He's there to help us, I really believe in that!

I hope this forum stays forever and so the fans!

Aww, I love that photo!

And I totally agree with your "what would they know" comment. That's the realization I've come to. Michael is now a major part of my life. For the past month there has not been a day that I haven't thought about him or listened to his music, and I don't see that changing any time soon. And that's okay by me, because that is what makes me happy, and who is somebody else to judge me on what makes me happy? If they don't get it, if they don't understand, that is their loss, and quite frankly, I don't need those kinds of people in my life. It might sound dramatic to say that, but I want people in my who not only understand me, but understand every part of me, and respect those things about me that provide me with pleasure and joy and happiness. I'm not saying you have to agree with it, but at the very least, respect it.

As for the forum- who knows how long it will be around. I hope it's still here for many years to come, but nobody knows what the future holds. So for now, we'll just enjoy it while it's here. Maybe if Gaz ever decides to step down, I'll take over :lol: I would never want this place disappear

 

[Daryll748]

awwww to this is a wonderful thread :bow:

Indeed, Spyce :ciao:

I've made that 'life changing' decision too this month. :clapping:
I'm considered a 'problem case' to the world cause I just have other ideas that are not 'narrow minded' and I'm too creative for being an 'disabled' person in their minds. I just HATE how peeps love to put 'labels' on you! makes them feel 'good' about themselves, I suppose. It's just a BIG BAD world out there but I don't care any more. I've got you guys, MJJC that gives me the 'dignity' I need and I've got Michael that showed me the TRUE nature of how life can be lived happy :wub:

One of my 'pet peeves' is always 'Been there, done that' :smilerolleyes:

Oh, get in line, Hun about keeping MJJC alive. I refuse to give it up too... I can't believe how peeps 'discourage' me to even be here... I'm HAPPY here cause YOU guys give me the dignity EVERYONE deserves but sadly doesn't get these days by quacks who think they can rule your life :beee:

Sowwy, just needed to rant this cause it still bothers me :sigh:
I guess, we NEED to 'vent' from time to time, hey!
I'm FED UP with peeps 'insisting' me how to live life... It's MY life, okay!
Against all odds, I have a Job interview tomoz and I'm really looking forward to kick some butt there. :cheeky:

Indeed, Treas :ciao:I'm so glad you 'reconnected' with Michael too. He always had a POSITIVE influence in my life. I did and still do things that I thought were impossible but Michael made them 'reality' for me cause he gave me the courage to go for my dreams unk:

So, pucker up and never mind the haters! They just envy you cause they don't have the guts to stand up for themselves! Jut my :2cents:here!

Happy Friday!

 

[Spyce]

awwww to this is a wonderful thread :bow:

Indeed, Spyce :ciao:

I've made that 'life changing' decision too this month. :clapping:
I'm considered a 'problem case' to the world cause I just have other ideas that are not 'narrow minded' and I'm too creative for being an 'disabled' person in their minds. I just HATE how peeps love to put 'labels' on you! makes them feel 'good' about themselves, I suppose. It's just a BIG BAD world out there but I don't care any more. I've got you guys, MJJC that gives me the 'dignity' I need and I've got Michael that showed me the TRUE nature of how life can be lived happy :wub:

One of my 'pet peeves' is always 'Been there, done that' :smilerolleyes:

Oh, get in line, Hun about keeping MJJC alive. I refuse to give it up too... I can't believe how peeps 'discourage' me to even be here... I'm HAPPY here cause YOU guys give me the dignity EVERYONE deserves but sadly doesn't get these days by quacks who think they can rule your life :beee:

Sowwy, just needed to rant this cause it still bothers me :sigh:
I guess, we NEED to 'vent' from time to time, hey!
I'm FED UP with peeps 'insisting' me how to live life... It's MY life, okay!
Against all odds, I have a Job interview tomoz and I'm really looking forward to kick some butt there. :cheeky:

Indeed, Treas :ciao:I'm so glad you 'reconnected' with Michael too. He always had a POSITIVE influence in my life. I did and still do things that I thought were impossible but Michael made them 'reality' for me cause he gave me the courage to go for my dreams unk:

So, pucker up and never mind the haters! They just envy you cause they don't have the guts to stand up for themselves! Jut my :2cents:here!

Happy Friday!

WHO SAID THAT? I will beat them up! haha

 

[Spyce]

Just want to do a little bit of my own venting:

The last couple days have been hard for me. Yesterday morning I woke up, not having gotten much sleep as I had a horrible dream about Michael and his children. I dreamt that I attended his funeral and after the funeral, I went back to his house and I was watching over all three of the children. I remember, in my dream, losing all feeling in my body and I just fell to the floor sobbing uncontrollably shouting, "It's not fair, it's just not fair and it's not right. He shouldn't have gone, it wasn't his time!" That's when I woke up only to find out that I really was crying pretty hard. So all day yesterday, I just felt drained of energy and I was upset all day. I continued to cry on and off all day.

I ended up having another bad dream about him last night, but I can't remember what it was about. All I remember now is waking up feeling sad and that just set my mood for the morning.

I also finally opened up to my best friend last night about my story (which I still have yet to share on here, and I will, in time). She's the first person, aside from my therapist, that I have told, and it was a pretty emotional ride. I was so scared of what her reaction would be that I cried the whole time I told her. To my surprise, she was very understanding and supportive We even had a nice conversation about Michael and she told me that she never thought he was a bad person, she never thought he was guilty of the things he was accused of and she also felt he was, overall, an incredible, kind, loving and gentle human being. Then she brought up the whole B Howard thing and I told her in no uncertain terms what a load the whole thing is. "It's crap," I told her :lol:

But anyway, that made me feel good to open up and not get shunned like I thought I would. I know my mom will eventually ask me "What's with your current obsession with Michael Jackson?" and I don't know yet how I'll respond. To be honest, I don't know how she feels about him. He was never talked about in our house growing up so I don't know how she would react to what I'd have to say. And my dad, I doubt he'd ever find out, but he's very stubborn and very judgmental. Again, he's never talked about Michael either, but I do know my dad and he is the kind of person who would go along with the tabloid headlines. I'd never be able to have a rational conversation with him about it because my dad is an irrational person.

It just sucks keeping this all inside. I am so happy when I come here and I can talk and I can obsess all I want, and I can just be myself, and I don't have to worry about being labeled as weird. (If I am weird, then we're all weird ) But I don't feel like I can be that person in the real world, and that just downright hurts. I feel like I can't be "me". A lot of it, too, I think has to do with what brought me back to Michael in the first place, and trying to explain to people why I all-of-a-sudden have this connection to his spirit and his music. I would be talking about things that my family would likely try to deny. "Oh stop it, you weren't abused as a child", or "Cut it out. You have never been lonely." Essentially, downplaying my experiences and my feelings and just making me feel like crap. That's been the story of my life. I feel like I get told what to feel and what to believe and I hate that. Maybe your experience of the same situation is different, but my experience is my own. You don't know how it impacted me, inside. You don't know how those words or those actions made me feel and made me view the world. Or, just because I've never really talked about a specific situation doesn't mean it did effect me.

Ugh. It's just crap. All stupid crap.

 

[MJsBollywoodGirl7]

Well as for me I am always going through it. I can barely call myself an MJ fan anymore. Thanks to that evil nameless monster. Who cause my constant state of deep depression. And the fact that I am still in mourning over him. I am always wearing mostly all black clothes anymore. I haven't listen to Michael for months now. Because I just can't really handle it anymore. And I don't even dare try to watch him. Not unless I want to suffer from another panic attack. Never did I thought I would ever suffer a panic attack from watching the L.O.V.E. of my life. Other besides my Bollywood movies. Video and computer games is all that I have left now. They are the things that has helped to bring some kind of joy in to my constant state of total misery. How can I ever be happy again? When some evil sick nameless monster destroyed my happiness. Michael was my most greatest joy I ever had in my life. Thanks to what that monster did. I am now always a constant Eeyore with a black rain cloud hanging over my head. And because of that. I don't even want to go out in public anymore. Because I just don't feel like it anymore. It has been 3 months now since I had last left this house. And I have gotten used to wanting to stay at home constantly now. At least by staying at home. I am not putting myself at risk at hearing any MJ songs. That I might hear in whatever store I go in to. And I can't even begin to tell you just how badly I miss watching and listening to him like I used. Though with me being only 34 years old. I am still holding on to that slight hope. That I will go back to be the hardcore MJ fan that I once was. Back when we still had him. Which it will be great that way I can finally start sleeping in my bed again. Instead of sleeping in either a chair or on a sofa that is a good 20 years or so old. And that sofa is no longer very comfortable to sleep on. But thanks to that evil monster I have gotten used to it. I don't sleep in my bed anymore because of the room that it is in. 10 years ago I decided to turn it in to an MJ shrine. And it is still like that now. As long as those MJ posters and pictures are up on my bedroom walls and doors. I can no longer sleep in that room. Because it hurts just so very badly. To look at those pictures of him. And be reminded of where he is now. My bedroom is now used as my closet. I just so totally envy you fans that can still handle watching and listening to him. I so wish I could still do that. :boohoo

 

[Spyce]

Well as for me I am always going through it. I can barely call myself an MJ fan anymore. Thanks to that evil nameless monster. Who cause my constant state of deep depression. And the fact that I am still in mourning over him. I am always wearing mostly all black clothes anymore. I haven't listen to Michael for months now. Because I just can't really handle it anymore. And I don't even dare try to watch him. Not unless I want to suffer from another panic attack. Never did I thought I would ever suffer a panic attack from watching the L.O.V.E. of my life. Other besides my Bollywood movies. Video and computer games is all that I have left now. They are the things that has helped to bring some kind of joy in to my constant state of total misery. How can I ever be happy again? When some evil sick nameless monster destroyed my happiness. Michael was my most greatest joy I ever had in my life. Thanks to what that monster did. I am now always a constant Eeyore with a black rain cloud hanging over my head. And because of that. I don't even want to go out in public anymore. Because I just don't feel like it anymore. It has been 3 months now since I had last left this house. And I have gotten used to wanting to stay at home constantly now. At least by staying at home. I am not putting myself at risk at hearing any MJ songs. That I might hear in whatever store I go in to. And I can't even begin to tell you just how badly I miss watching and listening to him like I used. Though with me being only 34 years old. I am still holding on to that slight hope. That I will go back to be the hardcore MJ fan that I once was. Back when we still had him. Which it will be great that way I can finally start sleeping in my bed again. Instead of sleeping in either a chair or on a sofa that is a good 20 years or so old. And that sofa is no longer very comfortable to sleep on. But thanks to that evil monster I have gotten used to it. I don't sleep in my bed anymore because of the room that it is in. 10 years ago I decided to turn it in to an MJ shrine. And it is still like that now. As long as those MJ posters and pictures are up on my bedroom walls and doors. I can no longer sleep in that room. Because it hurts just so very badly. To look at those pictures of him. And be reminded of where he is now. My bedroom is now used as my closet. I just so totally envy you fans that can still handle watching and listening to him. I so wish I could still do that. :boohoo

I am on a bit of a time crunch and I have so much I want to say to you, but it will have to wait until I get home later on tonight. But for now- :better: :huggy:

 

[Daryll748]

:huggy: to you!

We need to vent sometimes hey and then we can only hope that the other one 'listening' won't make it even worse than it already is.

I 'feel' like it's overrated or even lame to once again say that I 'get you' :blush:

It took me about 23 years to even tell my parents about what happened to me...
Two years ago,we were looking at family and friends piccies and I was acting 'out of sorts' and then they 'realized' it. I was just afraid that I would be shunned for it and so I kept it to myself and yeash, it's the BAD word 'abuse':blink:. It's odd to say that I don't blame anyone maybe that's in my nature or the way I have protected myself from that 'trauma' cause I just didn't wanna live with that 'shadow' following me but I never realized it did have such a huge impact on me and shaped the one, I've become...

My folks were in awe and now they do everything to make it alright :blush:

I hardly talk about it but since you mention the BAD word, I think it's only fair for me to come clean and say how I coped with it... Did it break my spirit? Nah, I hate to say, it made more resilient and more independent.

The ONE thing, I did learn from it is that peeps are 'ignorant' and even so 'skilled' peeps can't even 'figure' it out so I guess that's why I can never say a good thing about quacks and counsellors :beee:

That was the rant of today!

NOW, onto the 'healing' part of the reply!

I know, it's tough MJsBollywoodgirl :better:

You know, I've slept for 4 years on a mattress too in my office. I couldn't sleep in a bed too...
Last year in November, I gathered up all my courage and decided to 'redecorate' my bedroom... My posters are gone from my bedroom. They are in my office now and I only have 3 MJ flags there. I saved for a new bed with a different feel and different colours. I've even 'created' the "old feel" back into it as in I used to watch TV in bed in 1995 so now I'm doing this again and it just brings back the 'old feel'.

Sometimes, you have to 'trick' your mind and learn how to 'block' certain BAD memories otherwise they will kill you softly :blush:

Please, don't take this as 'advice' or even 'preaching'...
I'm just sharing my experiences in a hope that it would brighten your day and makes your brain 'snap' out of this 'darkness' you're in.

Take care, Hun :better:

 

[Mechi]

As being a psychologist myself I'm not into telling you this or that.

There's just one thing I'd like you to know, there is help out there if you want it... it's surely not easy to find... nope sometimes it's the hardest most difficult... but it's also about making it clear to yourself and everyone else that you're simply worth it.

Many clients just need a special connection/special person. If you do not feel well in counselling/therapy then it's probably not the right thing or the right person. I know the problem. I know some collegues of mine selling themselves as if they are the wisdom in person. It's not about that really. When I lost my fiance that time, often felt like the pain would let me slowly suffocate and all the voices and things I heard made me really feet like going literally crazy... I changed my therapist six times... yep six times... sheeeesh it kind of felt like I was really fighting for my life... but then I've found the exactly right one for me. The therapist was a blessing sent by God himself or maybe my fiance. I don't know why she knew the right words to say to me, the right sound and the view out of her eyes alone was calming me already...
Why did I go into therapy? shouldn't I know all of it myself as being a psychologist... nope, all I knew is that a mind can do tricks on itself... I knew I couldn't and shouldn't trust mine... so yeah when I have cancer I go to a doctor and when I feel I'm going crazy, I'm going to a psychiatrist. I didn't wanna tell anyone knowing me that I hear voices, couldn't sleep for days and all that it would have scared the hell out of everybody as it did to me! And believe me, I'm not telling going into therapy is the only thing to do... there is times family or a friend is really doing still a much better job... sometimes even a strange person at a bus stop finding the right words can do better than months of therapy... but you have to go out there again for yourself to find a way... you are worth it to feel better and happier again!

And make it clear to yourself, if needed to your own mind, there is no 'I can't' because that's the disease fighting to obsess your mind and body... it is you suffering and therefore it needs to be you making the step and yes it is and will always be your choice.

 

[KOPV]

decreasing stress levels can be scientifically lowered several different ways..

* Releasing endorphins in the brain -endorphins have several different positive benefits of activating which include lowering emotional and physical pain..

ways of doing this..

1. spicy foods
2. working out and other physical activity
3. sexual climax
4. Vitamin B12
5. Dark greens
6. make sure the brain and body is getting proper oxygen (breathing deeply and focusing on letting it enter you)
7. Various Amino Acids
8. Lavender (get some lavender spray and put it on your pillow)


These are some healthy ways of doing so, of course many people get addicted to various drugs largely because of the feeling the endorphins give the body.. That's why many alcoholics are depressed before they are alcoholics, it gives them that short stimulation - but the fact alcohol is a downer, it brings you down at the same time.. Horrible cycle!!


Ok before I go on a health kick as I tend to do a lot!! that gives you something.. Keep in mind that endorphin release does not last, so if there is something you are really struggling with I may recommend something more so that deals with the core issue.

Best of luck

 

[Daryll748]

Thanks to Mechi and KOPV for the wonderful replies :agree:

Indeed, talking to family and friends is MORE rewarding and healing in my point of view. It's all in the mind... You just have to figure out how your brain works and how you can trick it and stimulate it so you get the most of it.

Opening here must sound like I really do NEED one but sometimes ONLY having peeps that listen to you or finding 'soul mates' is the healing you sought for... :agree:

Not that I would 'discourage' people to ever see a professional, NAH but everyone stands their own ground, that's all. What works for ONE person, is necessarily NOT working for the other.

The 'frustrating' thing here is I tried to look for PRO help but either you get the message that 'they can't help you cause holidays are MORE important to them' and then when you do find someone... They 'dump' you on a waiting list that's Bloody TWO years long... :angry: See, how jolly nice our country is, duh!

Anyway, I know by now how to HEAL myself. What else can you do, hey?

 

[Spyce]

:huggy: to you!

We need to vent sometimes hey and then we can only hope that the other one 'listening' won't make it even worse than it already is.

I 'feel' like it's overrated or even lame to once again say that I 'get you' :blush:

It took me about 23 years to even tell my parents about what happened to me...
Two years ago,we were looking at family and friends piccies and I was acting 'out of sorts' and then they 'realized' it. I was just afraid that I would be shunned for it and so I kept it to myself and yeash, it's the BAD word 'abuse':blink:. It's odd to say that I don't blame anyone maybe that's in my nature or the way I have protected myself from that 'trauma' cause I just didn't wanna live with that 'shadow' following me but I never realized it did have such a huge impact on me and shaped the one, I've become...

My folks were in awe and now they do everything to make it alright :blush:

I hardly talk about it but since you mention the BAD word, I think it's only fair for me to come clean and say how I coped with it... Did it break my spirit? Nah, I hate to say, it made more resilient and more independent.

The ONE thing, I did learn from it is that peeps are 'ignorant' and even so 'skilled' peeps can't even 'figure' it out so I guess that's why I can never say a good thing about quacks and counsellors :beee:

That was the rant of today!

NOW, onto the 'healing' part of the reply!

I know, it's tough MJsBollywoodgirl :better:

You know, I've slept for 4 years on a mattress too in my office. I couldn't sleep in a bed too...
Last year in November, I gathered up all my courage and decided to 'redecorate' my bedroom... My posters are gone from my bedroom. They are in my office now and I only have 3 MJ flags there. I saved for a new bed with a different feel and different colours. I've even 'created' the "old feel" back into it as in I used to watch TV in bed in 1995 so now I'm doing this again and it just brings back the 'old feel'.

Sometimes, you have to 'trick' your mind and learn how to 'block' certain BAD memories otherwise they will kill you softly :blush:

Please, don't take this as 'advice' or even 'preaching'...
I'm just sharing my experiences in a hope that it would brighten your day and makes your brain 'snap' out of this 'darkness' you're in.

Take care, Hun :better:

Whatever you experienced Daz, I am very sorry. But I am happy to hear you say that you didn't allow it to break you. It takes a strong person to overcome abuse, of any kind, and the fact that you say it helped you become more resilient and independent, I applaud you for that! It's not an easy thing to do :huggy:

I've experienced abuse all my life in every form you can imagine. As child, it was physical, verbal, mental and emotional abuse from my dad. He was also highly manipulative, always trying to turn my sister, brother and I against our mom. In 2005, I was raped by a co-worker (that's a killer for me to admit to, but I trust everyone here), somebody I thought I loved and I thought I could trust. And as if that wasn't bad enough, he took my virginity when he did it. From 2007-2011, I was used and manipulated by my boss. It wasn't sexual abuse or anything like that, but she took part in some highly illegal activities. To prevent any of us from going to the owners and even to the authorities, she would threaten us (mainly me) with our jobs. Even the job I work at now, I have had problems with my supervisor for the past year and half. She will tear everyone around her down in order to build herself up and she doesn't care what she has to do or how far she has to go to do it. She will sabotage, lie and humiliate you to make herself appear better. I can't tell you how many nights I came home and just cried because I couldn't take it. Yet I still woke up the next morning and went into work, with a smile on my face. I was not going to let her get the better of me.

You said "I feel it's lame and overrated to say 'I get you'", but I don't think it is at all. In fact, this is something I find myself saying to people quite often. I don't know your feelings and your experiences- and you will never hear me say those words, "I know how you feel"- only you know those. But to say to somebody that you understand how they feel, I think that is a very comforting and loving thing to do. We are human beings and we want to be understood. To me, saying "I understand" is a loving act because it tells the other person that you care and that they are not alone and they should not feel shame, guilt, or embarrassment for what they went through, what they are feeling, experiencing, etc.

As for all the talk about therapy and "seeking help", I personally am all for it and in fact, if I had my life to do over again, rather than going to school for web design/graphic design, I would have gone to medical school to become a therapist. I would especially loved to work with young children and high school kids. I would want to be the kind of person to them, that I wish I had had at their age. Anyway, as long as you are able to find something, anything, that helps you to heal, I encourage that Just not drugs or alcohol. We all know that leads you no place good.

 

[KOPV]

A quick additional note, comment to your comment "I feel it's lame and overrated to say 'I get you'".

Please don't let that rob yourself the understanding that you are not alone.. Remember that whatever it is that you went through there are people out there that has been through at least similar things that would 'get you'.. You are never alone, and when one cries for something there are others crying over the same thing.. Tears are never lonely even when they feel that way, just because we tear one drop at a time never forget that it creates a flood... With that flood there is a flood of love behind it, that could be shared with you if you reach out..


Have you looked at all to see if there are boards for what you've dealt with, often you can find boards when you get together and talk about the struggle which is nice because they are all in different parts of the healing process and you learn from each other and relate..

Also there are group therapy classes without a waiting list because it's not just one person they want groups..

Know that love is around you always

 

[MJsBollywoodGirl7]

I know, it's tough MJsBollywoodgirl :better:

You know, I've slept for 4 years on a mattress too in my office. I couldn't sleep in a bed too...
Last year in November, I gathered up all my courage and decided to 'redecorate' my bedroom... My posters are gone from my bedroom. They are in my office now and I only have 3 MJ flags there. I saved for a new bed with a different feel and different colours. I've even 'created' the "old feel" back into it as in I used to watch TV in bed in 1995 so now I'm doing this again and it just brings back the 'old feel'.

Sometimes, you have to 'trick' your mind and learn how to 'block' certain BAD memories otherwise they will kill you softly :blush:

Please, don't take this as 'advice' or even 'preaching'...
I'm just sharing my experiences in a hope that it would brighten your day and makes your brain 'snap' out of this 'darkness' you're in.

Take care, Hun :better:

I have try to block out the bad memories. But you probably were not constantly plague by the most horrific vivid MJ nightmares all through that horrible summer and in to the fall. Like I was. 2 of them were so bad that I woke up crying and shaking uncontrollably. Even now I still tend to be haunted by some of them. Because they were so very vivid. And I can still remember some of them. I would like to repaint my room. But since I live with my mother. It is something I can not get her to do. She is always making some kind of an excused why she doesn't want to do that right now. Since I can not work. She has to pay for the paint and stuff for me. And I can not get her to do that. She would rather just paint the kitchen than my room. I don't need a new bed since I already got a great mattress for it about 3 or 4 years ago. It is just where it is. Is the problem that I am having. And thanks to that evil monster. I don't even like watching tv as much as I used to. Especially the news. Up until what had happen with him I used to be an avid news watcher. Have been ever since I was 9 years old. Because I just totally L.O.V.E. knowing what was going on in the world. Now the only way I get to hear and watch the news mostly. Is by putting the tv on mute. And covering it with a piece of cloth. That way I am fully protected from anything that could be MJ or evil monster related. And also I can only safe programs. Meaning programs that had aired in a year that we didn't have him with us. So all the documentaries that I had loved to watch on the HIStory channel or channels like HIStory. I can not really watch them again anymore. Because of the fact they had aired on a date of when we still had him. And thanks to what that evil monster did. He killed the L.O.V.E. that I once had for the Star Wars movies. I used to have this huge L.O.V.E. for them back when we still had him. I had loved those movies long before I even knew that he had loved them too. Now thanks to that evil monster I can no longer watch them. Without automatically thinking how much Michael had used to L.O.V.E. those movies. Now thanks to him I hate seeing or hearing anything that has to do with Star Wars. And I now can't even stand seeing or hearing people on tv that once knew him. Because it is not fair to me. That they got to know him. And I never did. And it was my most biggest dream in the world to have meet him. And that evil monster forever destroyed that dream that I once had.

Thanks to Mechi and KOPV for the wonderful replies :agree:

Indeed, talking to family and friends is MORE rewarding and healing in my point of view. It's all in the mind... You just have to figure out how your brain works and how you can trick it and stimulate it so you get the most of it.[/I]

You are so very lucky that you have friends and family that you could talk to. Unfortunately I don't have that. I don't have any friends where I live. I never really did actually. And it is all because of the fact that I am an MJ fan. Back during my days when I was in school. During the HIStory Era. All the other kids choose to believed in what the American media had ever said about him. Where I never once did. And because of that the kids would often make fun of me for being an MJ fan. To them it is not even remotely cool to even like him. Especially ever since what he was accused of doing in 1993. I never had any friends since. Which is something I have since gotten used to. My MJ hating family is not any better. Ever since what had happen to him they only made me feel worst. And not been very understanding at all. About the way I feel anymore. Especially when your own mother just 2 days after it had happen with him. Comes in to your bedroom after trying so very hard to try and forget what happen with him. Cause I had spent the entire day in bed sleeping. It was my only way of trying to forget what had happen. And she starts talking about him and then makes fun of what had happen to him. Of course I very coldly told her to get out. And what makes it worst for me. Is that my mother actually defended of what that evil monster did to him. So it is no wonder why I still feel the way I do. Plus that I still tend to suffer from insomnia that monster had cause me to suffer from. Back when we still had Michael I used to always have the most wonderful dreams about him. We were often lovers in those dreams. And I used to always sleep great because of them. Thanks to that evil nameless monster those dreams had totally stopped for me. It is very rare for me now to have an MJ dream. Let alone a really good one. And without those dreams there is just no way I can sleep good at nights now. It is something I just so totally wish my mother and her husband would understand. Of why I am the way I am anymore. And it is all because of what evil monster did. Who totally destroyed the happy life I once had. Whenever I watch one of my Bollywood revenge movies. I just so badly I could do that to that vil monster. Of same exact thing that the actor is getting their revenge on. Like the great 1994 Bollywood movie Anjaam. The way Shivani Chopra got her revenge on the 4 people that totally destroyed her life. Is just so very perfect. And the song Partighat Ki Jwala that was playing as she was getting her revenge. Is what made those revenge scenes even more perfect.

 

[Pimboli]

Michael has always been my save haven. He has always been the ONE thing that could cheer me up and make me smile through my tears. His voice sooths me, and seeing those kind eyes and gorgeous smile made me realize, that things would get better.
When we lost him, i went through some horrible months where i couldnt listen to him. Kind of ironic that when i needed my save haven the most, i couldn't
The turning point for me was seeing TII. There i sat in the darkness of the cinema, crying my eyes out. So hard, but at the same time, i kinda reconnected with that save haven.

Now i need to get lost in my MIchael-world every day. I listen to him driving to and from work, i need to visit mjjc every day, i need to watch MJ videos. I've found out, that doing that keeps the hard and heavy days away.

I love this thread :wub:

 

[Spyce]

Bollywood- I am so sorry that these last few years have been so hard on you. I am also sorry that you feel you cannot express your love for Michael without being judged (I have trouble with that as well :huggy.

Have you ever grieved for Michael since his passing? It sounds to me like you have a mix of pent-up emotions and I worry for you. Do not allow this to haunt you. You deserve to be happy! If I may, I would like to share with you what worked for me and maybe it's something you can try also, if you haven't already. Or maybe it might inspire another idea for you to try.

I never cried when Michael passed. I was in too much shock. I never even watched the funeral services because I knew I would bawl like a baby (I have seen a few clips here and there though- Paris' speech, Mariah's performance). In fact, it's been almost 5 years and I finally cried for him for the first time a month ago. It wasn't just wiping away a few tears, I really lost it, and this went on for days. I lost so much sleep because I would wake up in the middle of the night sobbing. I felt pain in my heart and in the pit of my stomach. It is my belief that I was feeling his pain. I can't really explain it, but somehow, I was able to channel that pain and release it. But I think most likely was was happening was that reality was finally sinking in: he is gone and there is no bringing him back. I was sad not just because he was gone, but because of how he was treated during his life. He deserved NONE of what happened to him. Absolutely none of it. And it's not fair, and it's not right that he was treated the way that he was. I hated that I was feeling the emotions I was- very similar to the ones you describe- but at the same time, it was very cathartic. In the end, I realized that the reason why I was feelings these emotions so hard is because of one reason: love. I love Michael with every fiber of my being, and if I didn't, I would not have gone through this process. And to me, that sounds the same for you. You are sad and lost without him because you love him. And that is okay!

Anyway, what I would do is I would put on his music and even though I knew I would cry, I forced myself to listen to it. I was afraid to put on his music at first as I live in an apartment building and I worried what my neighbors would think, but each day I tested the waters and allowed the music to get just a little louder. When nobody complained, I would play it louder and louder :lol: I did this for a reason. It wasn't enough for me to just listen to his music, I needed to feel it- like really feel it. And for me, volume helps with that. It blocks out any outside noises and gives me the opportunity to focus solely on the music so I can just lose myself in it. And that is exactly what I did. I would put him on and I would sing my heart out and dance until I couldn't dance anymore. I didn't allow myself to cry during the songs though. I took that sadness and anger that I felt and I focused it into what I was doing. I was releasing those emotions through singing and dancing. When the song was over, I would finally fall to the ground and that is when I allowed myself to cry. Once I was able to catch my breath, I would put on another song and do the same thing until eventually, I couldn't cry anymore.

Now, was this easy to do? No, but it had to be done otherwise that dark cloud was going to continue to hang over my head and control my life. I didn't want that for myself, and I know Michael would not have wanted that. He would want you to be happy. He would want you remember and celebrate all the good things about him. Remember, the "bad stuff", it was all lies. Why focus on that? Why give your power away like that? Michael's spirit lives on inside each and every single one of us who appreciated him, respected him, understood him and loved him. The best f*ck you that you can give to those who spent 16 years tearing him down is to allow his legacy to live on. Celebrate him. Celebrate Michael's life. Don't focus on the negative, focus on the positive. He did so much for this world and he touched and changed so many lives. Celebrate that!

Now, all that might not work for you, but I strongly encourage you to find something that will work for you. You cannot stop living your life. Time is passing whether he's here or not. Time is passing whether you stay in bed and cry or not. So why not make the most of it? Do something good, something positive. Spread his message of L.O.V.E. I posted this message to my Facebook just yesterday, regarding my own experience, and I would love to share it with you in the hopes that you may find it helpful:

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching these last few weeks and as much of an emotional roller coaster as it has been (and will likely continue to be), I have enjoyed every minute of it. I am not "fixed" or "cured", but I would definitely say that I have been healed. I wish I could explain it to people, but I don't know how, and really- why should I have to? This is my own journey and the last thing I need is for people to judge me and tell me that I'm doing something wrong, or not going about something the right way. I have learned so much about myself and for the first time in my life, I can truly say that I am happy and I am at peace