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I Miss Him

xosweetseducingsighsxo

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Everyday, I cry for him, knowing that he's not here tears me apart. Why was I alive that day? Why do I live in such a deep, dark depression now? Why did Michael die?

I hate myself. I hate myself for going into my mom's room and turning on my computer. I hate myself for watching the news. I hate myself for being so young so that I couldn't stick up for Michael as well as I do now. I'm so torn apart that there is nothing I can do to bring him back. I hate myself because I can't slap the living hell out of people who constantly taunt me by calling Michael rude, disgusting names. I hate myself because I can't tell Michael how much I love him, and how much he's helped me.

I want to go to a very dark bathroom and just cry.
 
I know exactly how you feel. Since that is also all I've been doing myself. Mostly every single day ever since that horrible day. It is quite rare for me to have a day where I consider it a good day for me. No one in my life doesn't at all care one single bit about how I've been feeling ever since it happen. My MJ hating mother especially doesn't at all care. It seems like ever since it happen she has been a lot meaner and nastier to me. And no matter what little joy I tried to find to help take some of my total misery away from me. Even if it is just for a few minutes. She always wants to ruin that little joy for me. As long as I have been an MJ fan Michael has always been my main joy and comfort. Thanks to what that evil monster did I no longer have that now. It has been a good 4 months now since I last decide to listen to him. And it was May of 2010 was when I had last watch him. I had tried to go back and watch him 7 months ago with that Bad Wembley Concert. I practically suffer a panic attack when I had tried to watch him. So I was forced to shut him off. I know that's what it was since I had panic attacks before. But that was only with my bee phobia that I have. Never did I had one when it came to watching Michael. So that was the most upsetting for me to have that. While I tried to watch him. And I was just so happy and super excited to see that concert. Sometimes I still wish I had gone through with one of my 3 suicide attempts. That way I still won't be suffering from this total misery and this deep depression of mine. I am only 33 years old and already I am just so very sick and tired of living. And I used to L.O.V.E. life at one time. I realized that the only way I can ever be truly happy again. Is to be where Michael is now. I just wish God will end my life so I can go be where he is now. It is just so very torturous living in this horrible Michaelless world.:( :boohoo
 
MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
I know exactly how you feel. Since that is also all I've been doing myself. Mostly every single day ever since that horrible day. It is quite rare for me to have a day where I consider it a good day for me. No one in my life doesn't at all care one single bit about how I've been feeling ever since it happen. My MJ hating mother especially doesn't at all care. It seems like ever since it happen she has been a lot meaner and nastier to me. And no matter what little joy I tried to find to help take some of my total misery away from me. Even if it is just for a few minutes. She always wants to ruin that little joy for me. As long as I have been an MJ fan Michael has always been my main joy and comfort. Thanks to what that evil monster did I no longer have that now. It has been a good 4 months now since I last decide to listen to him. And it was May of 2010 was when I had last watch him. I had tried to go back and watch him 7 months ago with that Bad Wembley Concert. I practically suffer a panic attack when I had tried to watch him. So I was forced to shut him off. I know that's what it was since I had panic attacks before. But that was only with my bee phobia that I have. Never did I had one when it came to watching Michael. So that was the most upsetting for me to have that. While I tried to watch him. And I was just so happy and super excited to see that concert. Sometimes I still wish I had gone through with one of my 3 suicide attempts. That way I still won't be suffering from this total misery and this deep depression of mine. I am only 33 years old and already I am just so very sick and tired of living. And I used to L.O.V.E. life at one time. I realized that the only way I can ever be truly happy again. Is to be where Michael is now. I just wish God will end my life so I can go be where he is now. It is just so very torturous living in this horrible Michaelless world.:( :boohoo
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Your mom hates Michael? My parent do too. Every chance they get, they talk bad about him. I can sometimes watch him, but other times I just cry. I feel the exact same way. Sometimes I just want to die, so that way I won't feel like this anymore.
 
michaeljacksonsprincess said:
Your mom hates Michael? My parent do too. Every chance they get, they talk bad about him. I can sometimes watch him, but other times I just cry. I feel the exact same way. Sometimes I just want to die, so that way I won't feel like this anymore.
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Yeah every single person in my entire family hates him. My mother might come off and say she likes him and stuff. But she really doesn't. She is no true MJ fan not even close. If she was a fan of Michael's she wouldn't have said some nasty comments about his looks. She wouldn't had made fun of what had happen to him just 2 days after it had happen. Nor would she have constantly kept on defending that evil monster. She doesn't see what was so bad about what he did. I would have thought my mother would have been more understanding. Since her mother's doctor had killed her kind of similar to what had happen with Michael. This happen over 12 years ago. My grandmother was 80 years old when she had died. But I know she could had live at least a few more years or so. If her doctor and nurses would had done their job like they would suppose to do. That right there probably explains why I can not get over of what had happen to Michael. Never not even once did I thought I would lose the L.O.V.E. of my life. In a similar way that I had lost my grandmother in. Been an MJ fan since the early 80s. Been a true hardcore fan of his since the HIStory Era. He was my total obsession then. And it remain that way until that horrible June date. Now my MJ fandom is just a very thin shell. Most of my MJ related stuff like videos and my beloved Opus book is all collecting dust now. Thanks to the fact that I have been unable to look at them. I don't like looking let alone touching them now. So unfortunately that dust has to remain right where it is. At least my bedroom is still a shrine to him. Something that hasn't really change in the past 10 years or so. Your lucky that you can watch him sometimes. I so wish I still could.:( :boohoo
 
MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
Yeah every single person in my entire family hates him. My mother might come off and say she likes him and stuff. But she really doesn't. She is no true MJ fan not even close. If she was a fan of Michael's she wouldn't have said some nasty comments about his looks. She wouldn't had made fun of what had happen to him just 2 days after it had happen. Nor would she have constantly kept on defending that evil monster. She doesn't see what was so bad about what he did. I would have thought my mother would have been more understanding. Since her mother's doctor had killed her kind of similar to what had happen with Michael. This happen over 12 years ago. My grandmother was 80 years old when she had died. But I know she could had live at least a few more years or so. If her doctor and nurses would had done their job like they would suppose to do. That right there probably explains why I can not get over of what had happen to Michael. Never not even once did I thought I would lose the L.O.V.E. of my life. In a similar way that I had lost my grandmother in. Been an MJ fan since the early 80s. Been a true hardcore fan of his since the HIStory Era. He was my total obsession then. And it remain that way until that horrible June date. Now my MJ fandom is just a very thin shell. Most of my MJ related stuff like videos and my beloved Opus book is all collecting dust now. Thanks to the fact that I have been unable to look at them. I don't like looking let alone touching them now. So unfortunately that dust has to remain right where it is. At least my bedroom is still a shrine to him. Something that hasn't really change in the past 10 years or so. Your lucky that you can watch him sometimes. I so wish I still could.:( :boohoo
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I totally feel that too. The only people in my family that actually love Michael are my grandma, aunt, and uncles. My mom tries, but she just can't. I don't know why though. My dad and siblings hate him, so yeah... :( My great grandma was killed the same way Michael was. Wow. We have a lot of similarities. I know how you feel. Sometimes, I can't look at Michael's pictures or anything because I just cry.
 
I know what that is like. Certain MJ pictures tends to make cry. And really makes me wish it was that year again. You know the year when that picture was taken of him. The pictures taken of him at Neverland really makes me do that. Because he was just so happy there. Before evil people had to go and ruin that happiness of his. I still can't understand why they just couldn't leave him alone. You are so lucky that you have some people in your family that likes him. I don't have any. Well I thought I did with my cousin. Who only became my cousin through marriage. I thought she was MJ fan. She was practically the only other person in my entire family that liked him. Other besides me. And she is 10 years and 3 days older than me. But when the 93 allegations came out. She had showed her true colors and became a hater just like every one else. If she really was an MJ fan she wouldn't have believe those horrible nasty lies about him. I was in bed sick with a horrible cold the day I had heard the news. On my bedroom tv. I was watching the game show The Price Is Right. And as it was getting over. My local news was coming on. And the one anchor mention something about Michael Jackson. And that got my attention. And I said what about my beloved Michael. And the said the word molested. I just started to cry. And as upset as I was then when I had heard the news. Never not even for 1 single second did I believe those lies. I couldn't believe that anyone would accused my sweet beloved Michael. Of doing something so evil and sick to any child. When I saw his accuser on tv. I had wanted to go through my tv and strangle him. Because I knew he was lying. I was the exact same age as him. So I could do that with out feeling guilty. 20 years later and I still would L.O.V.E. nothing more than to strangle him. My cousin is now one of the most biggest MJ haters you could ever want to meet. I don't really see her anymore. Because of the fact of where we both live. But when I do she does not want me to mention a single word about Michael. And always try to change the subject if he is mention. Again you are so lucky that you have a few family members that likes him. I so wish that I did.:(
 
MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
I know what that is like. Certain MJ pictures tends to make cry. And really makes me wish it was that year again. You know the year when that picture was taken of him. The pictures taken of him at Neverland really makes me do that. Because he was just so happy there. Before evil people had to go and ruin that happiness of his. I still can't understand why they just couldn't leave him alone. You are so lucky that you have some people in your family that likes him. I don't have any. Well I thought I did with my cousin. Who only became my cousin through marriage. I thought she was MJ fan. She was practically the only other person in my entire family that liked him. Other besides me. And she is 10 years and 3 days older than me. But when the 93 allegations came out. She had showed her true colors and became a hater just like every one else. If she really was an MJ fan she wouldn't have believe those horrible nasty lies about him. I was in bed sick with a horrible cold the day I had heard the news. On my bedroom tv. I was watching the game show The Price Is Right. And as it was getting over. My local news was coming on. And the one anchor mention something about Michael Jackson. And that got my attention. And I said what about my beloved Michael. And the said the word molested. I just started to cry. And as upset as I was then when I had heard the news. Never not even for 1 single second did I believe those lies. I couldn't believe that anyone would accused my sweet beloved Michael. Of doing something so evil and sick to any child. When I saw his accuser on tv. I had wanted to go through my tv and strangle him. Because I knew he was lying. I was the exact same age as him. So I could do that with out feeling guilty. 20 years later and I still would L.O.V.E. nothing more than to strangle him. My cousin is now one of the most biggest MJ haters you could ever want to meet. I don't really see her anymore. Because of the fact of where we both live. But when I do she does not want me to mention a single word about Michael. And always try to change the subject if he is mention. Again you are so lucky that you have a few family members that likes him. I so wish that I did.:(
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You have family that likes Michael too.... We MJ fans. And your cousin... I honestly think that she wasn't a fan of Michael to begin with. I had an EX best friend like that, but she started saying disgusting things about Michael and I broke all ties with her. My cousin says she's a fan, but before he died she was calling a pedophile, and making jokes. She still does. It breaks my heart. But it is really funny, because Michael's accuser's mom didn't sound hurt during the testimony. And like, who files a civil suit for a crime like that?! Like honestly. I was seven during the trial, so I didn't really know what was going on. But my grandma told me this: 'Don't ever listen to the media. Especially when it comes to Michael Jackson. Ever." And now that I'm 14 I can see why. Some people are just stupid for believing the tabloids. But, as Michael said, his fans are smart, because they know the media is full of lies.
 
My cousin does not like Michael anymore. She threw out all of the MJ related stuff that she had. I was 24 when those trials had started. So I fully knew what was going on. And it was horrible of what was going on with him. I remember just 2 Saturdays after it had started up with him again. I had gotten violently ill all of sudden. I was so sick that I was forced to go up to bed. And I knew it all had to do with what was going on with him. And the fact I was reliving the 93 nightmare all over again with him. But I'm glad your grandmother told you never to believe what the media says about Michael. I had to learn on my own never to believe the media. Which probably explains why I was the only MJ fan in a high school full of haters. Back during the HIStory Era.
 
I have found myself crying quite a few times recently again. I think part of it might be the whole AEG trial going on now, like its upsetting how all of these negative false stories out about Michael again, and I guess I naively thought we wouldnt have to hear crap like it anymore. Its just bringing that day all back and its hard
 
:(



Every day I think of Michael.... About everything that happened and how the family is behaving (so crazy!). I wonder everyday why all this had to happen to him. He should still be here with us and their children. :cry: *big sigh*
 
This is another heartfelt thread :blush:

It would be 'stupid' to deny that I don't MISS Michael :wub: These days, I harldy talk about Michael :blush:
That doesn't mean I don't MISS him... I really do and it hits me harder than I ever could imagine... :blink:

Sometimes, I feel like it's 'suffocating' me...
But the 'problem solver' that is 'embedded' in me tries to find ways to ease the pain...

I was so chuffed on Friday, I had found pyjamas just like Michael has and in a silly way that eases the pain...
I do NEED to have Michael as a 'character' in my stories too where he's alive and caring... :blush:

You think you have accepted that Michael lives in heaven now :angel:
Though, I have to 'avoid' a lot of things or the wave of "Michael is gone" :cry: hits me like a ten pound door and my :heart: and stomach can't seem to process this immense loss :sigh:

I must admit, I don't watch my MJ stuff anymore... I can only seem to process piccies, quotes and his wonderful voice :wub:

I NEVER knew grief would be that tough and all those 'grief theories' are just 'bla bla' on paper :beee:

You can 'lock' BAD and SAD memories into a 'corner' of your brain but sometimes that door 'blows' open and you need to find that bloody key to lock that bleeping door again :doh:

Have a BLESSED Sunday, lovelies :friends:

Daryll
 
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