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im a horabble fan

marias21

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today i went to Forest Lawn to visit Michael form riverside ca i got flower that coasted $10 and all and was really happy that i was doing this because i made him a promise that i was going to visit him every week well off to the gates of frost lawn memorial park i went in and ask where the holy trance was the pointed me where it was but i dint have the nerve to go up there i have this big fear of cemeteries and over all funerals so i almost made it to the part where all the Head stones are at and I frost i just could not make it to where he was i was shaking i was like i want to go back home this was not a good idea now I'm really betting my self up because made a promise to him and now i broke it I'm just the worst fan
 
:huggy: maybe you just weren't ready to go yet? i am goign to try to make it there on my next vacation, im in vegas but im going to try to get out there. i know what you mean about cemetaries thou.. maybe take a friend with you the next time you try to go? and the fact that you tried to go even with all your fears, tells me you are a great fan.. not the worst fan. dont be so hard on yourself hun.
 
Just a Girl said:
:huggy: maybe you just weren't ready to go yet? i am goign to try to make it there on my next vacation, im in vegas but im going to try to get out there. i know what you mean about cemetaries thou.. maybe take a friend with you the next time you try to go? and the fact that you tried to go even with all your fears, tells me you are a great fan.. not the worst fan. dont be so hard on yourself hun.
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ill try not to beat my self over this but i cant help to think what dose micehael think for me form heven i dont want him to think that i dont wat to vist him and that im not his fan any more all the ride home i was really mad at my self for doing this to him
 
Not at all!!!

I have the same fear as you do when it comes to cemeteries.

I'm sure he understands and loves you and your bravery!

:angel:

marias21 said:
ill try not to beat my self over this but i cant help to think what dose micehael think for me form heven i dont want him to think that i dont wat to vist him and that im not his fan any more all the ride home i was really mad at my self for doing this to him
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awww sweetie. dont beat yourself up over this.Your promise to Michael can still be kept. this all happened too soon and its totally understandable that you would be nervous or scared going to michael's grave. take as much time as you need to work up the courage and even if you cant its ok. it doesnt make you a bad fan. it just makes you human.
 
marias21 said:
ill try not to beat my self over this but i cant help to think what dose micehael think for me form heven i dont want him to think that i dont wat to vist him and that im not his fan any more all the ride home i was really mad at my self for doing this to him
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this is so sweet. you know for my whole life i always believed with all my heart that Michael would understand me. even tho I never met him (closest i ever got was 3 feet away and we made eye contact and he smiled and waved! best day ever =)) but anyway, thats one of the million things i love about him...he was clearly so accepting and understanding of all people. its like he just understood life on a whole different level...so I really think that he would love you for the love you have. you tried your best and I know he'd love that. i'm sure i'm not the only one on this forum who is happy to just read this from u. thanks :)
 
Plz don't call yourself a horrible fan. Take your time, eventually you will be able to go in there and deliver you flowers and pay your respects. It's the thought that counts and I am sure MJ was looking down at you and he knows that your heart was in the right place.
 
they told me i can leve my flowers at the door just to make sure it says it form MJ crypt
 
Well at least they are allowing ppl to leave flowers and if we label them they will know who they are for.. Thanks for the info.. and keep ya head up, you will be able to overcome your fear/grief and go in to pay your respects..
 
It's great that you got that close. I don't think there allowing fans to get too close to him anyway. But I know it can be hard for some people to go to cemeteries. I'm sure he knows the intentions of you heart.:better:
 
:hug: Don't be sad! You should be proud of yourself for even attempting this :)

Chances are you wouldn't have gotten very close to Michael at all, but I understand what you are saying about the cemetary. I am a weirdo, and I actually like going in to cemetaries. They are peaceful. (Sorry for being morbid, lol) But many people are really freaked out by them and scared of the idea that you are basically waking on the dead.

That cemetary is huge, and if you have a fear of them it can be extremely overwhelming and frightening. If you aren't used to visiting cemetaries then baby steps would probably be better than just throwing yourself in to something so huge, to go visit someone you love and admire so much. Go to a smaller cemetary and face your fear, or bring someone who will help push you to face your fear at Forest Lawn.

Michael knows you were there, believe me. All that matters is that you actually went which you did. The thought, and the fact that you were there is all that matters :) And I bet he thought that flower was rockin'...it had to have been for $10 man!!

:hug:
 
thank for cheaing me up yeah the flower were so pretty they were 2 pink and 2 red roses i left it there by this pawn ( not to offend any one ) i hope really that MJ knew that i wanted to vist hm but my fear got the best of me
 
Firstly you are not a horrible fan, in fact you are just the opposite, a dedicated fan, Secondly I admire and applaud your bravery and commend you for your display of affection.

p.s I'm sure Michael does too
 
please dont think you are a bad fan. you arent. many people have the same fear of cemetaries, myself included. i dont know exactly why it is. maybe its the thought of all the people buried there i dont know. years ago i was involved in a community film project and they had to film in a cemetary and it scared me completely. especially the night shoot. i was constantly checking over my shoulder and jumping at every shadow.
 
Well, cemeteries are full of people in peace, peacefully sleeping in heaven and watching over the people they loved.

We don,t always succeed the first time. You said you wanted to go there everyweek, well, try everyweek and maybe each week will bring you closer to what you want to do.

Be strong, I'm sure those people forever sleeping will protect you instead of scare you, because they know you're doing something good.

*hugs*
 
I'm sure Michael understands. Don't worry. You can pay your respects to him just by talking to him through prayer at home too. :) You aren't a bad fan at all, Don't say that. :)
 
Awwww. You are NOT a horrible fan! I think what you did was very, very sweet. You might not have been ready to face it yet, and that's perfectly ok. Even if you put the flower in a vase in your room and look at it and think of Michael, that would be very good. He's not IN his body now anyway, so in that sense it doesn't matter that much? Your intentions were fantastic. . .
 
Just like what the others have said you are not a horrible fan at all. At least you try to do something that I wouldn't be able to do. I don't have a fear of cemetaries or any of that. I just still find it so hard to believe that is where Michael is now. It just makes me cry so much to even think that is where Michael is now. Even though that is the reality of it. But it is still a reality that I still have trouble facing.
 
You're not a horrible fan. It's still really hard to deal with his passing, you just weren't ready is all. You haven't let him down. I'm sure he really appreciates your efforts and would want you to do it when you were ready. :)
 
thank for every one that said that im not a horrible fan but i still fell like micheal is upset at me for some reson when i was there i felt him like there was a wind all the time i was there and it seam like the wind was him saying thank you ( i know it might not be ture ) but when i left that wind was gone and it was a weird felling like he felt like i betried him and i felt like crying but im going to try again and again untill i do it im not going to give up becuse i really want to vist him
 
marias21..Maybe you are feeling like this because you didn't do exactly what you wanted?
To me you are the only one mad at you honestly.

Michael was (is to me),and amazing human-being,with an amazing and hudge heart.i am sure he knows what you meant.
To me Michael knew always more than we can imagine,and now that he is in Heaven near God,he knows better.

Michael is not upset with you at all dear.He loves you,as he loves all of us very much.
 
.........oh boy.....don't hurt yourself
michael would never like to see you like this,
don't be so hard on yourself
i know how does it feel to be in a cemetery
my worst fear is cemetries
...............
but i'm wondering
is it true that the cemetery isn't public?
waiting for the answer,,
just don't be so hard on yourself
michael..will understand and he'll be happy that you was brave just for him.
 
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Aww well you are lucky enough to live in close range. You can walk by it, you can drive by it. You can stay out there and have some solitude moments pf solitude. Unlike many of us. I live in Vancouver, but i will go one one day to visit. Maybe if you get lucky one day you might see the Jackson`s visiting. And you can give your flowers to them kindly to take it all the way to Michael. But then its just Michael`s body there his spirit on the other hand lives within us. :)
 
marias21 said:
thank for cheaing me up yeah the flower were so pretty they were 2 pink and 2 red roses i left it there by this pawn ( not to offend any one ) i hope really that MJ knew that i wanted to vist hm but my fear got the best of me
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you seem to be a very sweet girl and knowing Michael the way he was we all (you included) know by heart he wouldn't judge you as hard as you yourself do.
Starting with there was no need for that promise you made.

Now I beg to differ... I'm sure you just wanted to get rid of your anxiety for Michael, your fear about cemetaries, graves... but that will not work the way that you just try to ignore it. These feelings are often too strong and fighting to be recognized even more the more one tries to just ignore.
BUT if you want there is a way to work on that and finally come to terms with it... but you need to start with being more loving and more accepting to yourself. There's most likely a reason why you developed this...
So if you really want to get rid of it then you need not to start with a promise (not to Michael not to yourself) which is asking too much from yourself. I'd say look for someone who can help you to understand, learn more about yourself and work on those feelings.
It's not only a saying that we're often just the worst judges for ourselves.
If you want there is help for you.

And for now do believe ppl here better simply cuz we all know Michael and it's up to him clearly only to judge fandom. But from how we know him it's just that we also do know you're not a horrible fan!

Try to be more loving and more understanding to yourself cuz that's how Michael would be!
 
Mechi said:
you seem to be a very sweet girl and knowing Michael the way he was we all (you included) know by heart he wouldn't judge you as hard as you yourself do.
Starting with there was no need for that promise you made.

Now I beg to differ... I'm sure you just wanted to get rid of your anxiety for Michael, your fear about cemetaries, graves... but that will not work the way that you just try to ignore it. These feelings are often too strong and fighting to be recognized even more the more one tries to just ignore.
BUT if you want there is a way to work on that and finally come to terms with it... but you need to start with being more loving and more accepting to yourself. There's most likely a reason why you developed this...
So if you really want to get rid of it then you need not to start with a promise (not to Michael not to yourself) which is asking too much from yourself. I'd say look for someone who can help you to understand, learn more about yourself and work on those feelings.
It's not only a saying that we're often just the worst judges for ourselves.
If you want there is help for you.

And for now do believe ppl here better simply cuz we all know Michael and it's up to him clearly only to judge fandom. But from how we know him it's just that we also do know you're not a horrible fan!

Try to be more loving and more understanding to yourself cuz that's how Michael would be!
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Mechi, thanks. It's really NOT about cemetaries or graves. The soul or spirit is not there. As you said, it's about being more accepting of yourself. It's about coming to terms with your grief. That grief is not located in a PLACE, but within your own heart. Grief happens. We have to learn how to incorporate that into our own spirits, and to be better people to have loved so much.
 
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