Latest on MJJC

locking Michael into my heart

moonstreet

Guests
Does anyone else feel like this...

I feel like the Michael part of my life has ended. For as long as I can remember , since I was 6 years old, almost 27 years Michael has been part of my life. Through the good times and many bad times, he was the one person I could depend on to be still there, helping me to smile though the pain. No matter how bad my life got, I knew that he was somewhere on this earth, and I could calculate the time difference and work out approxamate what he might be doing.

Now that he is gone, its all just too painful. Its not that I dont love him anymore, its the total opposite, I love him soo much that I cant deal with even listening to his music. I can just about manage hearing his music in shops or in cars on the street but I havnt played any cds in my flat or listened to my mp3 player. I havnt watched anything on tv or seen any footage online.

Im scared to hear his voice, see him speak, watch him move, walk, his mannerisms. If I just lock it all away inside of me, the pain might be easier.

All the bits and pieces Ive collected which I used to make banners and gifts for Michael Im sending back to my parents house, Im also sending back my banners, flags and other bits and pieces of my Michael collection. I can only talk about him with fans, I dont want to talk about him with work collegues etc.

Being a fan now is something too personal, too deep to share with people who dont understand.
 
moonstreet said:
Being a fan now is something too personal, too deep to share with people who dont understand.
Click to expand...

I know. I was so glad when i wailed to my mum about it and she was really understanding and was also sad about his passing. It broke me down to hear her say if he came to Australia then she would've happily taken me to see him in concert.
 
Being a fan now is something too personal, too deep to share with people who dont understand.
Click to expand...

I can definitely relate with this.


Hang in there, mate. It's going to be tough for a while. And in some ways we will never fully recover from the grief of his passing. But it *DOES* get easier with time. With all the sensationalist crap on TV and the wall-to-wall coverage of everything to do with his life and death it's too early for any of us to really move to the next stage of grief and eventual celebration of his legacy and life instead of deep sadness at his passing.

Just stay strong, and PM me if you want to talk further.
 
thanks guys, after writing this last night, I felt abit better. Its all just soo hard, the music is connected to the man, the man looked into my eyes, invited me into his home, acknowleged me outside hotels, so many little things over the years that now will never happen again, thats the hardest, to know that I will never get his attention, or hear him say "I Love You" or make him smile again....

I know I will get through this somehow, but at the moment it feels like Im falling apart. Its far worse than what I went through after September 11, at least then I could listen to his music and could find comfort in the fact that he was there too, experienced the same things and that through his staff made sure we were ok. Now the world seems soo empty...........
 
moonstreet said:
Does anyone else feel like this...

I feel like the Michael part of my life has ended. For as long as I can remember , since I was 6 years old, almost 27 years Michael has been part of my life. Through the good times and many bad times, he was the one person I could depend on to be still there, helping me to smile though the pain. No matter how bad my life got, I knew that he was somewhere on this earth, and I could calculate the time difference and work out approxamate what he might be doing.

Now that he is gone, its all just too painful. Its not that I dont love him anymore, its the total opposite, I love him soo much that I cant deal with even listening to his music. I can just about manage hearing his music in shops or in cars on the street but I havnt played any cds in my flat or listened to my mp3 player. I havnt watched anything on tv or seen any footage online.

Im scared to hear his voice, see him speak, watch him move, walk, his mannerisms. If I just lock it all away inside of me, the pain might be easier.

All the bits and pieces Ive collected which I used to make banners and gifts for Michael Im sending back to my parents house, Im also sending back my banners, flags and other bits and pieces of my Michael collection. I can only talk about him with fans, I dont want to talk about him with work collegues etc.

Being a fan now is something too personal, too deep to share with people who dont understand.
Click to expand...

I totally understand, moonstreet. I have been a fan almost 27 years too :hug: I couldn't bear to hear his voice either until the other day. It is very painful :( I feel like a part of me is lost...so empty now. :(

Feel free to pm me anytime xxx
 
Miss_star said:
I totally understand, moonstreet. I have been a fan almost 27 years too :hug: I couldn't bear to hear his voice either until the other day. It is very painful :( I feel like a part of me is lost...so empty now. :(

Feel free to pm me anytime xxx
Click to expand...

same here..............27 years for me and i totally agree its like the best bit of my life has gone too:(
 
I feel just as all of you are typing.... All i do is listening to his music, looking at intervjues and everything i can find.... This makes it less painfull, because for every minute i hear his voise and see his face, it still feels like he is there... This might sound strange to you, but listening to all his songs is comforting me... It hurts like hell, everytime i think of him and i feel the need to... He has always been my kind of drug... He got me high and he made me dream..... Im falling apart, and i dont know if im ever going to feel better... I can`t belive its been three weeks already??!! I must be traped in time, with all the sadness, michael songs, and his lovely apperance... Ohhh how mutch i miss him, and love him........ Crying now :`( this is so hard....... Sorry guy`s not my intention to pour my heart out here.... But it dosent seem like anyone beside you in here know how it feels.......
 
i know, its good to be able to talk on here. i keep thinking will the joy of hearing him and watching him come back? i think it will but always tinged with sadness
 
I feel closest to him when I'm on my computer. Because it's the place I can see all the wonderful pictures and videos and interviews of him in a matter of seconds. When I'm outside, doing something, I feel this sense of loss. Like I'm going further away from Michael...I take my ipod everywhere I go now so that I can just listen to his music when I start to feel very lonely outside. Then when I get back home I feel this closeness again because my computer is nearby...
 
YellowButterfly said:
I feel closest to him when I'm on my computer. Because it's the place I can see all the wonderful pictures and videos and interviews of him in a matter of seconds. When I'm outside, doing something, I feel this sense of loss. Like I'm going further away from Michael...I take my ipod everywhere I go now so that I can just listen to his music when I start to feel very lonely outside. Then when I get back home I feel this closeness again because my computer is nearby...
Click to expand...

I wish I could feel like that, could listen to his music, hear his voice but I cant. The one thing that would comfort me, now breaks my heart and is unbearable. Im even getting a new mp3 player, so that I can listen to other music and not have to deal with the pain of listening to Michael. Im scared Im going back to that dark place I went after September 11, Im trying so hard to hold it together and get back to my regualr life. Im scared that if I listen to his voice or watch him on tv /dvd/ online it will just tip me over the edge, and unlike the last time, I wont even have Michael to help me through it. I need to just lock it all away, deep inside, and hopefully by going back to work and keeping occupied I can get through this pain and heartache.
 
moonstreet, I felt like that at the start too. I thought listening to his songs again and watching videos would break my heart. And truthfully, it did and sometimes still does. But I find the best way to deal with your pain, is to face the one thing that's causing it. If you lock it away, you're denying it exists and that pain will remain until you eventually face it.

Sometimes I cry watching certain interviews or listening to certain songs. But I'm glad I do because crying is a really great way to deal with emotions. But I believed in Michael too much when he was alive to just stop listening to his wonderful music. It hurts but I wouldn't have it any other way.

He helped me get through life while he was alive, and without his music now, I probably wouldn't still be here...
 
I know I should deal with it, but I just cant right now, blocking things out is somehow my way of coping, its always how Ive dealt with things, maybe its not the right way but for me its the only way I know how to cope. Its something I did as a child and has stayed with me. Something happened when I was a child which is still effecting me, I know what it is and losing Michael is bringing old demons back, and Im not ready to face all that. Michael helped me though that time when I was a child, his music kept me sane, now his music is just adding to the heartache instead of making it better. I miss so much the joy and laughter and happy times and the magic , right now its just too much.......
 
I feel pretty much the same way. I am also one of Michael's long time fans. I have been a loyal fan of his for over 25 years now. But in the last few years I hardly listen to him. Because all I had wanted to hear is Bollywood music. And I so totally regret that. But now ever since I had heard about Michael's death. All I want to do is either listen to him or watch him. Right now I am listening to his song Give In To Me. Plus I am always in my room because my room has posters and pictures of Michael up on my walls and doors. And I tend to feel alot better when I am in my MJ room.
 
moonstreet, I can understand what you're saying. You've always looked to Michael's music to help you through the rough times, but now the rough time is about his death so that comfort music isn't so comforting anymore.

I hope you can listen to his music again someday soon. Keep talking to people on the forum who understand your feelings completely. If you can't listen or watch him, then continue to talk about him at least. It will help.


MJsBollywoodGirl7 I think it's so sweet how you call your room your MJ Room. I think of mine the same way. It's where my computer is and all my MJ related things are. And I feel most connected and close to him when I'm in my room. :)
 
Moonstreet, I completely understand what you're saying. I absolutely cannot listen to his music, watch even a snippet of one of his performances, etc. I'm 9 years older than Michael, he has always been there, for decades, since the J5 first started, in my life.

It's something that cannot be explained, no matter how hard I try to rationalize anything, or psychoanalyze my reactions now. Pictures don't upset me, but let me see a snippet of a performance, or him speaking, or hearing a song playing at the grocery store or elsewhere; for whatever reason, it's simply more than my psyche/emotions can "deal" with at this time. I choke up, tears fill my eyes, and emotionally just do not want to see/hear/feel it.

What I have experienced is that I look around at my house, my closets, my yard, my relationships with people I was once close to, I admit to having let so much of those things go by the wayside over the last several years. Too much time spent on the board, following just about anything r/t Michael; new pics, new speculations, just about anything. And that I realize now was certainly not healthy, by any means.

I am now finding time to talk to people, spend more time with my family when before I never let certain times of the day when I was on the board/computer "interefere" with my daily consumption of anything Michael. And by no means did I neglect responsibilities, but I put them aside many times when I should not have.

So now, without the possibility of coming online and seeing new pics, reading the latest about where he is, where he went, the rehearsals, etc., I am trying to regain more of a sense of "self", and it is slowly working. But for whatever reason, seeing him in a clip performing or being interviewed, or even hearing his music when I'm out, still brings back whatever it was that drew me to him in the first place, and I will admit to feeling great sadness without him.

Everyday gets a bit better, but only if I can avoid actually seeing him in a video clip or listening to his music. With time, I do believe it will become less painful. And I do not want to wipe out his memory from my mindbank, but to get to the point where I can once again simply enjoy and appreciate his music and videos, etc., with appreciation and happiness, not the discomfort/pain I have felt the last several weeks.
 
YellowButterfly said:
MJsBollywoodGirl7 I think it's so sweet how you call your room your MJ Room. I think of mine the same way. It's where my computer is and all my MJ related things are. And I feel most connected and close to him when I'm in my room. :)
Click to expand...

5 years ago up until a few months ago my bedroom used to be a total shrine to MJ. My bedroom walls and doors was totally covered with pictures of Michael. But that change because of my stupid lack of interest in Michael and my stupid obsession with Bollywood. I had taken a few of my MJ posters and more than half the MJ pictures off of my walls and doors. A few months ago. But since this happen with Michael my room is going back to the way it was. Because I so totally regret of ever losing any interest of the man that I have always love most in the entire world. I still going to love my Bollywood but I am going to love Michael way more than Bollywood.
 
MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
But that change because of my stupid lack of interest in Michael and my stupid obsession with Bollywood.
Click to expand...

Are you kidding?
Bollywood is so cool. I've always been so amazed by it and wanted to go to one of their weddings so i can dance around with like 100 other people in brightly colored Saris!
Their movies are so good!
 
I am not going to ever stop listening to Bollywood music and watching their movies. In fact I am listening to one of my most favorite bollywood songs now. The song is Duniya mein kitni hai nafrate. From the movie Mohabbatein. It reminds me so much of the love that I have for Michael. Is just now I am going to try and start listening and watching Bollywood less than I have been and listen to Michael more now. To make up for all those months for not wanting to listen to him.
 
I can't listen to his music either. It's too painful.
I was in McDonalds earlier and YANA came on. So I frantically called my mum and told her to talk to me while it was playing so I couldn't hear it properly.

Michael was always the one I could turn to when I was feeling bad, I'd just put on some of his music and I wouldn't feel so alone again. Now that I'm feeling the worst pain imaginable, he can't make me feel better because hearing his voice just makes the pain worse. I feel guilty because I love him more than anything, more than myself, more than life and yet I can't honor his memory. So many people talk about how listening to his music is helping them get through it, but I can't do that right now. I'm worried there'll be songs I'll never be able to listen to again without crying.
Songs I'll never be able to listen to again at all. That increases the hurt. It's like a vicious circle.
I know it sounds stupid, but I don't want HIM to think I've stopped loving him. I haven't. Maybe it's that love we feel for him that makes it hurt so much.
 
moonstreet said:
I wish I could feel like that, could listen to his music, hear his voice but I cant. The one thing that would comfort me, now breaks my heart and is unbearable. Im even getting a new mp3 player, so that I can listen to other music and not have to deal with the pain of listening to Michael. Im scared Im going back to that dark place I went after September 11, Im trying so hard to hold it together and get back to my regualr life. Im scared that if I listen to his voice or watch him on tv /dvd/ online it will just tip me over the edge, and unlike the last time, I wont even have Michael to help me through it. I need to just lock it all away, deep inside, and hopefully by going back to work and keeping occupied I can get through this pain and heartache.
Click to expand...
It's good to be occupied and find activities to take your mind of things. But don't forget to give yourself a chance to mourn aswell. Locking it all away helps you in the short term, but in the long run it has to come out one way or another. Perhaps with tiny little steps you will find back the magic and laughter you experienced through the music.
Michaels music pulled you through the rough times for a reason in the past. The essence of the music has not changed! The message it contains, the passionate and strong it is being brought to us, it is all the same. I know it's hard to hear it now, but I truly hope one day you will be able to enjoy the music again as you did in the past. For me it's all I need to get through this, listening and then looking up to the sky with a laugh on my face because it brings back the good memories. Hang in there ok, you will get through this! And we will pull eachother through this one way or another. :better:

MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
I am not going to ever stop listening to Bollywood music and watching their movies. In fact I am listening to one of my most favorite bollywood songs now. The song is Duniya mein kitni hai nafrate. From the movie Mohabbatein. It reminds me so much of the love that I have for Michael. Is just now I am going to try and start listening and watching Bollywood less than I have been and listen to Michael more now. To make up for all those months for not wanting to listen to him.
Click to expand...
Hon you don't have to make up for anything, unless you want to. Why not listen to other music aswell? Michaels music wont go away and listening to other material doesnt mean you care any less about Michael :yes: If the Bollywood music helps you through this then by all means keep on listening to it! We all have different ways of trying to deal with Michaels passing and so do you. Whatever helps you through it ok :better:
 
Moonstreet, how are you girl... I feel your pain and others' here...can't believe last month I was flying back and forth to LA to see him, that was my life...my happiness...that stopped on that day... People tell me to "get over it", "snap out of it", "want to move on"....but I DON'T WANT TO....I am terrified of forgetting things, letting him drift away...I want to freeze time and think of him forever, hear his voice in my ear...I can barely listen to his music, it's hard...I won't be able to enjoy "his legacy" as other people, because for me it was personal..
 
crsi23,neverbaby, I know what you mean, to us he was more than just a star, more than just some famous person on the tv. Our Memories are personal, what he said TO US, little gestures made TO US, looking AT US, not just at some random camera..... Our heartache is more than just missing the music, the superstar, our lives are empty cos the person is gone. Thats why I cant hear his voice, watch footage of him, cos it brings back the heartchae that there is no next time......

My memories are burned into my heart, I close my eyes and I see him standing infront of me, looking into my eyes and smiling at me.... Im scared to watch footage, yet at the same time miss his voice. What used to comfort me, make me feel special, protect me from the pain of problems in the outside world now hurts me the most.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top