Michael and me - I have trouble letting go...

[zara]

I don't even know how to start this. I've been wanting to write here for a while and just get it out but the words wouldn't come.

I just felt numb when I heard about MJ passing. I was at work when I heard the news, and some of my coworkers made pretty horrible remarks ("one less POS child molester on this earth", etc). I remember my first thought was "at least he is in a better place now... away from this..." and I kept repeating that to myself over the next few days and I just thought I would forget and move on. I'm just not a big celebrities person, I don't care that much about famous people in general. But over the past few days I've had a lot of crying spells, listening to his music, rediscovering him and the fact that I was absolutely crazy about him for many years - he was much more than a famous person. He was a part of me for so many years.

I'm a child of the 80s so of course I grew up with MJ and he was a part of my cultural landscape. From mix cassettes that my friends made with songs from Dangerous, to my favorite movie at the time, Back To The Future ("Beat It" in the cafe 80s). I listened to MJ and Janet on my walkman walking back home from school. I thought the man was glorious and absolutely gorgeous. I think I had a big crush on him for a long while. I saw him in concert in 1997 in Europe as part of the HIStory world tour. I have faint memories of the concert itself but I remember the feeling.

Then after Blood on The Dancefloor (which I had on repeat forever, it was such a great album) I just drifted apart from MJ. Became tangled up in personal problems, became depressed and withdrawn and started listening to darker stuff (didn't do me any good). Then the allegations came and I heard all these horrible things... And now I feel horrible because I did not defend him. I just let people talk and didn't comment - because it just was not really socially acceptable to defend him, I guess. I didn't know enough about the case to make a judgment at the time but I watched as the verdict was made. I've been reading a lot of documents related to the trial recently and see how this was complete B.S: just greedy people trying to grab onto Michael's fame and fortune. Same with all the documentaries and footage I've watched since his passing. He was just a good, kind soul, and he was destroyed by this evil, cruel, greedy world.

I cried with him when he spoke about his father's abuse, because I went through the same thing as a kid, and oh I could relate so well. I still have horrible body image, I am a perfectionist till I make myself sick... I feel I could relate so well to him. I wish he would have gotten the real help he needed to overcome this.

I cried when he'd say "I love you" back to a fan and meant it, because, which celebrity would ever say that? Nobody. Which celebrity would allow a fan to climb into their car and hug them without having them hauled away by security? Most celebrities - and they all can only dream of achieving the level of fame MJ has - view fans as nuisances or meal tickets.

I can't believe this man, who's so kind, did so much for so many, is gone, yet so many evil people remain - starting with the leeches who tried to profit from him by spreading lies, to his father who's disrespecting his memory on Larry King right this moment, and his doctor. I'm sorry but 30 minutes till 911 was called? This reeks of someone who knows they've made a mistake but were more concerned about their paycheck and reputation than saving Michael's life. I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but I needed to get this out.

The book I saw at the store yesterday. "Unmasked" - not losing any time profiteering from MJ's death. I don't know how these people can live with themselves.

All of this just makes me think the world is f*cked and just a little bit darker without MJ.

So I'm just going to cry some more in my pillows, listen to a lot of his music because this man was a musical genius, be inspired to work hard because he worked incredibly hard, and try to make the world a bit better. But I feel terribly sad, and terribly guilty, and I don't quite know how to get past it. I wish I could have taken part in a vigil, or something. I don't know why I am so affected by this - at the same time I get upset because it seems nobody but his most dedicated fans cared about him for the past decade, and now everyone is talking about him, I hear his music daily - but it took his death for his work to be celebrated again. But at the same time, I'm guilty of the same thing, I forgot about him for a while, and I feel terrible.

So, Michael: I'm so sorry for everything, I love you too, and I'm going to miss you very much. I hope that you are free of pain and finally at peace.

 

[JaneBender]

U are in the US aren't you? Your story is similar to mine and I'm a child of the 80s as well. I know that just finding this forum helps me to grieve with people who understand where I'm coming from. I know we're the newbies and all but I've never felt that anyone here is angry that I'm just showing up now..

...it's like I've aways been a fan but America made it so hard for us to show that love outwardly because they just bashed the man so much it was like a bad thing if you said anything in defense of him. I call us fans in the closet. Like you I never thought I'd be so affected by Michael's passing. It's a shock to me, but like you Michael has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, so it's like losing a member of my own family. I'd even say that I've cried more over him than I had over family members who have passed.

I feel awkward saying welcome because I've only been here a short time, but as far as it goes for me, this place makes the grieving process alot easier for me. I hope it does for you as well.

 

[jemini515]

Dear Zara,

Wow, there is so much in your post that I have felt too. I had a similar experience that horrible Thursday afternoon -- I was at work, and when the news broke a couple of people said insensitive and mean things. And I was in shock and numb, and when I talked to people about how I'd been a fan for years people thought I was a "celebrity person" (and I'm not-- I work in the arts and I'm pretty jaded about "famous" people -- my connection to MJ's music and life is totally different, and even if he were more obscure I would still adore his work).

Bad, Dangerous & HIStory were the soundtracks to my youth/teenage years and I'd come to appreciate all of his work in my adult years, as well as how wonderful a human being he was. I thought it was amazing the way he said "I love you" to his fans and really meant it. And I think it's sad that he's getting so much love back NOW, now that he can't experience it, at least in an earthly way.

I did not attend a vigil either. At the time they were going on in New York I didn't want to share my feelings with other people. But then I came here and it's been so supportive. I also have tear-stained pillows and have been analyzing every note of his music trying to find out what makes it so amazing. But at the same time I find it hard to hear his music out in public.

I guess I'm just trying to say I relate, as I'm sure many many people here can too. I'm sorry you're hurting, and I hope your guilt fades soon, as it seems clear to me that you are a true fan in your heart. There are lots of us who have loved him for years but haven't participated in a fan forum until now, and I'm so happy everyone here has been so welcoming.

Peace and hugs to you....

 

[krism]

hi zara, im sorry you feel guilty. theres a saying better late than never. whatever has come before, let go of the pain and regret, youre here now and among friends who care and feel the same about michael jackson. *hugs*

 

[Angela_MJJ]

Hi i'm a child of the 80's too in that way i can relate to you.
He was such a big part of my childhood and i feel like i lost that all.

I listened to some darker music too the past 7 years although there were times when i got back to listening MJ.
He was always in my heart and he will always be part of me.

 

[thrillerchild]

Another child of the 80's here. I feel for you Zara. I can see a lot of me in that post and believe that we have each other to help through this. Michael was the first music that I encountered and will always treasure til my dying days. I cried for the rest of the night when they broke the news about Michael passing. I saw so many hateful, spiteful, crued and sickening jokes that I fell out with a lot of "friends" over this. I know for sure that I will never get over this but I know that his music will always bring a smile to my face Keep the faith Zara we're all here