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No one knows...

Stranger

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Hi guys hope you’re all doing ok today.:)
Just wanted to talk about something. I’m not sure if anyone can relate or if I’m in a minority here.


Although my family and friends knew that I liked MJ and his music, they were not aware of the extent of my “fandom” as it were. They never knew that I spend a part of every day on message boards, viewed countless videos and pictures and listened to his music so often. They didn’t even know that I talked to other fans or had tickets to see him in concert in London. I always defended him whenever anyone said anything ignorant about him etc, but I was never able to tell those nearest and dearest to me just what MJ meant to me. This was nothing to do with him. I wasn’t ashamed of him or anything like that. Its just that I was raised in a way that did not allow me to share my soul with anyone. What I mean is, I let people see the “real” me, but I kept a part of me to myself, my “inner soul”. Maybe I just didn’t want to get hurt or was afraid of something. I don’t know. But MJ lives in the deepest, deepest part of my heart, the part no one can get close to. Its just not physically and mentally possible for me to tell anyone. I could put the feelings into a piece of writing or something, but I can’t actually admit the whole truth.


I never told anyone how I felt during the trial, that I was spending most of my time reading the court transcripts or conducting research or writing articles defending him. I never told anyone the stress I was under or that my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of what was happening. They didn’t know how invested I was in his wellbeing. They just knew that I thought he was innocent and that I believed in him.


They never knew I prayed for him, cried for him, agonised over his fate, thought about him every day. They never knew how much I learnt from him, how much I cared about him or anything like that.


So these last few weeks have been hell, but no one actually knows how much it hurts. My family are of course upset he died and they know I really liked him but that’s about it. They don’t know about the loss, because as far as they’re concerned he wasn’t mine to lose.


Just wanted to share.
 
"They never knew I prayed for him, cried for him, agonised over his fate, thought about him every day. They never knew how much I learnt from him, how much I cared about him "


your story is beautiful . your caring words here ^ say it all . :huggy:
 
Aww, hun! It's okay not to tell everyone your most inner feelings and thoughts, those are your own for yourself, and it is a privelage to others to know that part of you! What matters is that you shared that part of yourself with others who do understand and won't judge you for what you love and believe! You do not have to open up to your family or others about how you are feeling if you don't want to, because you know that we are always here for you to listen and understand!!
 
Thanks Strawberrypie! I think thats why I never told. There was no need because I had all of you who felt exactly the same!
 
They don’t know about the loss, because as far as they’re concerned he wasn’t mine to lose.


same view from my family..........................and they know exactly how i have felt about him for 27 years
 
I know how you feel. You are not alone in this. My family doesn't know either and that's fine, I suppose. I deal with it on my own. I always do.

But it's important to know that you're not alone and there are many out there with the same situation, if that gives you comfort.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
 
I know exactly what you're going through.

My mom is haunting me asking me to stop my drama. My friends didn't like him that much to feel the pain, si I was really lonesome, 'till a get here, and now I can share and cry and laugh with people who understand me, no matter the distance. Thank you so much for taking me in. And to you to sharing this ´cause I totally undestand. My reason to not talking was that I didn't become just a fan, but I actually fell in love with him, and still am.

Oh I remember too the horrible feeling of fear when Michael was on trial, how his smile and strenght were disappearing, how I said -He's innocent and people telling me -are you crazy!!! don't you know what he did to that kid??, and I answered them - Yes I know, he did nothing at all, you don't know him... and the discussion and critics went on...
 
I am crying reading this. It's exactly the same for me. I am widowed with 4 kids and always have to be responsible, someone everyone else leans on. My love for Michael was my time to let go. I could listen to his songs and forget for a while, just be me. I felt like that same little girl who in 1972 saw him on TOTP singing Ben and felt as if I'd just been handed the world on a plate. Much older and wiser now, but still loving him. Yes, people round me know I'm sad he's gone, but they think it's just a musician/fan thing. They won't know how Michaels music has comforted me, uplifted and empowered me over so many years, and yes, made my soul and body dance too.
I miss him so much, and your post Stranger summed it up. ((((Hugs to all of us))))
 
tigerfeet said:
I am crying reading this. It's exactly the same for me. I am widowed with 4 kids and always have to be responsible, someone everyone else leans on. My love for Michael was my time to let go. I could listen to his songs and forget for a while, just be me. I felt like that same little girl who in 1972 saw him on TOTP singing Ben and felt as if I'd just been handed the world on a plate. Much older and wiser now, but still loving him. Yes, people round me know I'm sad he's gone, but they think it's just a musician/fan thing. They won't know how Michaels music has comforted me, uplifted and empowered me over so many years, and yes, made my soul and body dance too.
I miss him so much, and your post Stranger summed it up. ((((Hugs to all of us))))
Click to expand...


same here...........................love for Michael and the uplifts he gave throughout my life was far more than just being a fan of his music


think people wonder how you can love someone from a distance but Michael is proof we all can.............................
......................love is love after all
 
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Thanks for sharing your feelings with us.I am so lucky to have a caring husband who is just as shocked and as devastated as I am.I don't know what I would do without him and of course everybody on here.
Why is it so hard for people to understand how much Michael means to us.
My brother and sister in law came round a week ago and we mentioned that we were really upset and that we were going to see him and she started going on about the autopsy report that she had read about in the newspaper saying that various parts of him were taken out and about the drugs found in him and that he had no hair and a few more things that I won't repeat on here.I ended up nearly screaming at her and I tell you I don't know what stopped me from hitting her.How unsensitive can you get! Of course I defended Michael. I was livid that she had come into my house and disrespected someone who I was grieving for and love so much.She then even started to talk about his children saying that you know their not his.
It makes my blood boil even thinking about it!
They were both devastated when Princess Diana died.Look what the paps did to her and they immediatly didn't believe anything bad written about her,yet they still believe it all when it comes to Michael! :cry:
 
I can relate to your story from beginning to end, Stranger. That's basically how things are with my family, too. And it's especially difficult now because although at first they were very understanding of the fact that this news upset me and didn't even give me any looks when I lit a candle for him on the day of the memorial.. now, I think they expect me to have gotten over it. But I haven't. I spend all day every day on the forums here or reading about him, watching his videos etc. and don't feel like going out at all and I think they're getting a little worried about me, and I just can't bring myself to explain to them that I'm still deeply mourning this person I never even met, because I don't think they would understand. And it's really the first time anyone important to me has passed away, so it's this whole new depressing experience. I'm just glad there are so many others here who understand and offer their support. We're all here for you! :)
 
I totally understand...

Everymorning all when I wake up all I want to do is curl in a ball, and stay in bed for a month.

I KNOW my family doesn't understand this, maybe my grandmother but not my dad or sister. Yesturday I burst out in sobs (yes, sobs) i thought I was getting better, i had been doing so well the few days after the memorial. I felt, well i was a mess on the memorial and I'll let it all out...but the pain is soo deep, so heavy, i could cry a thousand times.

I wish I had someone to talk to in my family, i do have a couple friends who a very understanding, but still its like "soo, hey you felling better? wanna do this, wanna do that?" when all i want to do is mourn. No I dont want to do that NO i dont want to do this...give me time,

They just dont understand that man was like BLOOD TO ME, my family is very 'non emotional' like we dont really share our feelings, and keep it inside. And keeping inside how i feel is just tourture, Michael helped change me in so many positive ways, he taught me that emotions are strong and not a weakness, love is power, compassion is life, he taught me to "care enough for the living" to see God in all things and in myself, he gave me inspiration and unbridled joy, he made me feel comfortable in my own skin, he helped me understand that we are all truely one people one race, we all have the same fears same wishes, same hopes and dreams. Because of him I could say "I love Michael" without fear of the word 'love' I promised my self that if I could say I loved Michael then I can say I love you to my own family. As I said my family is very 'shut off' in a sense, i also promised myself (as Michael did) that went i have children i will tell them I love them everyday, and not be afraid to do so. like in my family now. He opened my eyes to the greater picture of the human condition. And how I love him for that. I sooo wish...my family could understand one fraction of what i feel right now.

But I am glad for MJJC, i am not alone, i will fight for and honor that man til my ending day.
 
"You are not alone. I am here with you. They're were far away, I am here to stay."

Michael binded his soul, his entire being to his music. It was his attempt to stay with us forever. So I believe his soul is forever with us.
 
I guess I am lucky in that both my parents and my sister totally understand how I feel, and to a large extent feel the same way. (I actually first got alerted to the whole ordeal because my father called me from his car, saying he heard Michael was rushed to the hospital and wondering if I had any additional info.) But I never like to bring them down if it seems they are in a good mood, and when this happened, it dawned on me that nobody else in my life feels this same connection to Michael. Aside from a few of my closest friends, they don't even get that I can possibly be this affected by the whole thing. So I realized that I had very few people who could relate to me during this difficult time, until I found this forum. It was so wonderful to discover a place where everyone feels the same way about Michael and where we can talk to each other about it without the fear that someone is going to make negative or insensitive remarks. I really regret that I didn't find this place sooner, but am very grateful that I found it when I did.
 
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They just dont understand that man was like BLOOD TO ME, my family is very 'non emotional' like we dont really share our feelings, and keep it inside. And keeping inside how i feel is just tourture, Michael helped change me in so many positive ways, he taught me that emotions are strong and not a weakness, love is power, compassion is life, he taught me to "care enough for the living" to see God in all things and in myself, he gave me inspiration and unbridled joy, he made me feel comfortable in my own skin, he helped me understand that we are all truely one people one race, we all have the same fears same wishes, same hopes and dreams. Because of him I could say "I love Michael" without fear of the word 'love' I promised my self that if I could say I loved Michael then I can say I love you to my own family. As I said my family is very 'shut off' in a sense, i also promised myself (as Michael did) that went i have children i will tell them I love them everyday, and not be afraid to do so. like in my family now. He opened my eyes to the greater picture of the human condition. And how I love him for that. I sooo wish...my family could understand one fraction of what i feel right now.


Genie Bottle thats exactly how it is in my family and exactly how I feel about my future children! And exactly how I learnt about love! In fact the whole post could have been written by me!
 
Same here, I feel with you.... sharing our feelings and thought with eachother might help us copping with it.... at least I hope so.
 
QUOTE "Its just that I was raised in a way that did not allow me to share my soul with anyone. What I mean is, I let people see the “real” me, but I kept a part of me to myself, my “inner soul”. Maybe I just didn’t want to get hurt or was afraid of something. I don’t know. But MJ lives in the deepest, deepest part of my heart, the part no one can get close to. Its just not physically and mentally possible for me to tell anyone. I could put the feelings into a piece of writing or something, but I can’t actually admit the whole truth..."


I feel the same because I was raised in that way too. My family hide emotions so do I. We barely share our feelings together, so sometimes they feel strange to me.
I never talk about Michael with anybody unless there's someone who understands him.
 
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