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Untitled... Brand New Poem Please Read :)

praisemichael

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You've left me down on my knees
I'm here empty and left so weak
You left me weeping on the floor
I'm still here but its just no fun

Oh i love you so, but we both fell apart
We couldnt expect what was just around
I lost myself, I fell so low
Though you reached out to me, I kicked you down
All I can say is i'm deeply hurt
Hurt byself because I watched you walk

Your shadow remains but it does not compare
Everything I wanted you were always there
You were my morning sun, my afternoon breeze
The warm arm on my cold shoulder,
But you were also the presence of ease

You never belittled me or hurt my heart
You were just honest right from the start
But now i'm here & your no longer there
What happened to it all, It's all so bare

By Olivia Saunders

26th October 2010

10:23pm
 
deep.
did it again . livvy .
you hit me with pure flowetry in motion :heart:.
the whole scene you describe within text is like a moving art. i am in awe with this .
complete heart felt.
.
 
You've left me down on my knees
I'm here empty and left so weak
You left me weeping on the floor
I'm still here but its just no fun (maybe say something better than "it's just no fun"? You have a really nice flow going, and it is stunted by something so juvenile as "fun.")

Oh i love you so, but we both fell apart (loved?)
We couldnt expect what was just around (couldn't)
I lost myself, I fell so low
Though you reached out to me, I kicked you down
All I can say is i'm deeply hurt
Hurt byself because I watched you walk (myself?)

Your shadow remains but it does not compare (remains, but)
Everything I wanted you were always there
You were my morning sun, my afternoon breeze
The warm arm on my cold shoulder,
But you were also the presence of ease (I like this stanza a lot.)

You never belittled me or hurt my heart
You were just honest right from the start (get rid of "just.")
But now i'm here & your no longer there (you're)
What happened to it all, It's all so bare.

By Olivia Saunders

26th October 2010

10:23pm
--

Overall, it is a really good, heartfelt poem. However, the mistakes I highlighted cannot be permitted to remain if you want to preserve the tone you're setting out to project. I would also advise you to join an art/writing community, such as DeviantArt or Writing.com, if you haven't already done so. You can acquire feedback and critiques from fellow writers/artists and improve your skills that way.
 
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