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What are you doing this very second?

Really crying over Michael. And thinking about those horrible pictures of Michael that I had heard has been made public. OMG the horrible thought of ever seeing them. It is like my horrific vivid nightmares that I had of him is coming true for me already.:sad: :boohoo:
 
Listenin' to Patrice, directin' my (digital) painter wizzkid and thinkin' about good friends of mine organizing events this weekend that i won't be attending.

Right about now or soon a dear and good friend of mine at the opening of a new bakery in town will be presenting and let very many people taste some cookies which were made especially for me.

Coincidentally enough, today marks the one year anniversary of my car crash, the one which could have blown me and a few houses here in the village out of existence. Funnily enough, i found out about his presentation yesterday from an announcement right in front of the very caffee from which i had written him a very long (6 pages if i remember correctly) letter at the end of June when i was tellin' him that he should take real good care of his fiance and appreciate her because "the love and faithfulness of a girl/woman are things which should not be taken for granted, but conquered every day by men, no matter how extraordinary they might be". Also funny, this particular bakery has some reaally interestin' wall decorations....all kinda things that make you go mmmmhhhh.

Tomorrow night, another good friend of mine will be presenting some other cookies even closer to me, right in my village. The notices are all up in face. As i said though, i won't make it to this one either.

I'm hoping through my absence they will get to understand even if only for 5/10 minutes what it's like to be me 24/7 and 365. Beyond the 'ungrateful little bitch' thought which i'm willing to bet is goin' through their minds, i'm hoping there's also a lesson to be learnt here - the mission is valid only in so far as there is an audience.

Maybe now they will understand what it's like to try to get through to people and be shut down.

Perhaps now they'll be a bit more cautious before giving advice about patience and good things coming to those who wait and give examples from their own lives. Waiting for 6 months to ask somebody out for a date and after that having a proper start to a complete relationship which now is cemented by living together is no term of comparison to anything i go through.

Maybe they will, maybe they won't.....maybe i am just a wacko in dire need of a straight jacket, but fact remains - those who think they know me because they have access to my words/actions are crazier than i'll ever be. Anybody can judge me in whatever way they see fit and point out my mistakes if necessary, but nobody has the right to condemn me to the solitude and the golden prison to which i've been sentenced for the past two years.
 
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