... but, I just still feel a need to do it. Since Michael's passing, it's been a wierd range of emotions. When it all went down that day, there was panic and disbelief, and when my mom told me he didn't make it, it was still there. I didn't cry or anything, just felt stunned, tried to go on the computer and listen to some tunes to ease it, came back here, and then finally tried to get some sleep. But it wasn't easy, cause there was alot of tossign and turning and keeping from screaming/breaking down. It wasn't until the followign morning that I cried some, still feeling stunned for the rest of the day. The radio was on, where mj music was playing, the car had my Dangerous cassette playing, where I did some dancing to try and make it better. But I knew deep down that things were quite the same anymore.
And on top of that, I still kept coming here, which solified everything I feared. Everyone was so scared, horrified, and in shock, and I just couldn't believe it. Especially with one thread where the url of Michael's tour site was posted, and found that all of the dates had completely disappeared out of thin air. I mean basically everything was just surreal and sad. It all really came to frutition when the memorial happened where I, and everyone else had to witness seeing his coffin being carried in and out, where friends performed and hid famiy laughed and cried, especially his daughter. Now that was sad.
So like I said, it's been a range of emotions and feelings. Sometimes I'm alright like nothing happened, but then of course there's not a day where I don't cry at least once. I love all kinds of music so I try to play some other artists music to cool off my mind, but then I feel ashamed like I sould be listening to MJ and cry at every single song of his. Michael's music will always have a place in my heart, but right now it just seems different. I think it's the perception of it, cause it's because of the fact that when I listen to it, it's of someone who just passed away. It was great when he was alive, but sometimes now it's so awkward, I dunno.
Sometimes I feel like I didn't really care about Michael at all, so it's like I souldn't shed any more tears, so I don't. There are things in my life I abandoned because I was more excited about what was to come from Michael; overdue schoolwork, personal issues with myself not resolved, a non-exsistent life to an extent. There were a few times where I questioned it all and wanted to get away from the fandom, but it always pulled me back. I finally made a somewhat descision around mid June to do some of this work, but only for Michael. If I try to deal with my own life, the concerts will get here faster and on top of that, I'll have some stuff completed. All of that went away once news of Mike being sent to the hospital surfaced.
I don't know how to deal with all this heartache that's revolving around MJJC, and with those that knew him personally. When I see members who were once happy and excited, suicidal and all that... it's pitiful. I just wish there was someway that all of it could be better but that's unrealistic. It's unrealistic to think everything will be back to normal. Michael freakin died... I didn't want, nobody wanted that, so... what do you do? You just deal with it somehow.
Speaking of me, I could say that the reason I'm harming myself is 4 everyone else. It's feels like my gift to those out there hurting all the time, even though they don't know me. I'm doing it for u guys... can u understand? I'm not sure how long I'll be doing this, but it isn't the first time, that's for sure. I just want to move on from it all... I need to get my life back on track. All this sadness will bring me down and keep me from suceeding in life. This is such a contradiction cause I'm still hurting myself my cutting, but liek I said, I'm doing it for u guys. If I won't cry, I'll bleed basically.
