I'm so glad I captured how you were feeling also! I do get a sense that we respond similarly to Michael, which is very comforting lol. It's fascinating the way you describe distancing yourself from Michael as a form of self-protection. I feel like I am sort of the opposite. Because as much as I can't handle him and need breaks from how intense my own reaction to him is, such as when I'm watching a concert, it actually just makes me obsess about him more. More than anything, I struggle *tremendously* to reign in the attention I pay to Michael. I have lost SO much sleep because I will stay up watching videos of him, or reading articles or books about him. I often find it hard to focus on work because I have a new thought about him that I want to explore. I mean, I am very obsessed lol. And no matter how much he overwhelms me on any level, it's like I can't keep away from him as a source of constant stimulation. It's bizarre and honestly unlike anything else I've experienced. It's really why I feel so confused about all these different aspects of him that make him so special. I genuinely don't know how to detach myself from him.
But again, all of this is similar to the way I am with the things in my life. As much as I have never, ever obsessed about another celebrity or figure like I have with him, I am someone who tends to go all in with most things. My approach to life has often been to just squeeze as much feeling and experience out of everything that I can. I have thrown myself head first into so many situations, for better or worse, because of my desire to feel the most alert aliveness that I can. So I think with Michael stimulating SO much in me, as often as I feel that sensory overload and have to step away, I almost immediately return to him. Does that makes sense? All of this sounds so insane when written out lol.
---Yes, I am definitely at a point now when just his name gets me excited lol. I guess there is just so much that I attach to it.
Oh, and also to clarify, I actually do not need to be with other fans to watch his stuff. Actually, I just find it really hard to force myself to watch a concert in one sitting. So being with other people to do it kind of forces that process. But as @Hiker
can attest to, I really have a hard time keeping it together in that process. While we just chatted during, on my end of the screen I was literally screaming and sweating and my heart rate was out of control. It's really something lol.
I ended up listening to We've Had Enough a few times last night and it is, of course, incredible. But honestly, I don't think I'm reading for the Invincible album yet and everything that comes with that. I am really unwilling to go past Blood on the Dance Floor right now. Actually, I mentioned this somewhere I think, but I am really rationing how I approach learning Michael's music. I am really pacing myself with how much I expose myself too, because overexposure makes it hard for me to appreciate it. Everytime I listen to the songs I know best, I still find myself discovering new things to love. I feel like my heart will tell me when I"m reading to move into new territory and expand into his later music and the unreleased stuff. For now, I am almost wanting to make myself sick on the current music I love before I move on lol.
Oh! And I ended up listening to Is it Scary? several times last night and I had a really emotional response to it. I love that song. The first time I heard it I remember my mouth just hanging open through most of it because I was just so stunned by it. But last night I was listening to it and finding myself HEAVILY relating to it in a way that was really shocking. Not to get too deep, or personal, but it reminded me a lot of my response to sexual trauma and my behavior in recreating traumatic situations, which lasted many years. Kind of "becoming" a version of myself that someone else made me, if that makes sense. Anyway, I just found myself flashing back to stuff when I was listening to it and I felt a deep resonance inside of me. Once again, I wish I had Michael in my life sooner than I did. I really think he could have saved me from some of my worst experiences.
The thing about the "warm and safe" bit is that it's not just his voice, it is everything about him. It is him at his sweetest and most adorable and innocent, and it is him at his rawest and sexiest. ALL of it makes me feel safe. All of it makes me feel loved and cared for, somehow. It's bizarre. I feel safe just knowing he existed in the world and I feel safe like he can somehow redirected me to the things that matter in life and never let me fall off course. The way I'm describing it I realize is how people describe religion and loving religious figures. I'm not sure if what I'm saying then sounds more or less insane. But it's just how I feel. I think because I spent such a tremendous amount of my life feelings incurably broken, discovering that this major cultural figure who I've known of my entire life was actually also this incredible human being gives me a sense of calm and safety in the world. Almost like a reminder that anyone can be anything and there is so much possibility and beauty to discover in the world still. I generally have a very positive outlook on life and I am, admittedly, shamelessly idealistic despite being exploited quite a lot. But I somehow just identify with Michael in a very deeply human, yet profoundly spiritual way.
God, I'm rambling a lot. Needless to say, this conversation has me contemplating a lot of my feelings and where they are stemming from. All I know is, my love for Michael is beyond anything I ever expected to feel.