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During the weekend after jury deliberations started, I was trying to get through it without thinking about this giant...thing hanging over my head. I was over-emotional and nervous as hell.

On the 7th, I worked all day and got in the car, only to turn on the radio and hear that a verdict had been reached and was going to be announced shortly. I pretty much flew home without running over or into anyone, and when I pulled up in front of the house, my mom came to the door and called for me. I ran to the door and got into the house to see "GUILTY" across the screen. I cannot adequately express the relief that I was feeling at that moment.

As I was watching Judge Pastor give the jury instructions, I was wondering what the next moments were going to bring. I had been anxious to know what was going to happen to Murray once he was convicted--was he going to be taken into custody, or released until sentencing?

I figured he was probably going to be free until he was sentenced. As much as I wanted to see him led away in handcuffs, I knew that he hadn't even so much as been handcuffed when he was initially charged. I was prepared for that reality. But then, Judge Pastor made his remarks about Murray being a danger to society, and I was just kind of stunned, and holding my breath.

When he announced that Murray would be immediately remanded and incarcerated with no bail, I clasped my hands over my mouth and I could feel emotions welling up within me. My mom was already crying. I tried not to tear up with happiness, but I couldn't help it. I literally felt a weight lifting off of my shoulders--a weight, that I guess, had been there without me really realizing it. I was just used to feeling a sort of burden over the past two years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am disappointed in the sentence. I was never satisfied with four years to begin with--I feel the actual crime is second degree murder, and that he should be serving at least ten years behind bars. But, that's beside the point now; it is what it is. I understand why involuntary manslaughter was charged, and that there's a situation with the prisons in California. I just simply cannot allow myself to be consumed anymore. I hope that now I can actually move on and feel a sort of healing now, and that with time I can think of Michael with a smile on my face rather than a hole in my heart.

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TarinJade
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