Any anxiety/depression sufferers here?

Do you suffer from anxiety/depression?

  • no

    Votes: 21 17.2%
  • yes

    Votes: 101 82.8%

  • Total voters
    122

DancingMjsdream

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Today I have talked to my sister about my anxiety attacks and my OCD and it was very relieving. She knows how hard it is to talk to our parents about it but she insisted that I need help and that she will talk to them. I don't know what's going to happen now but i hope i will feel better soon.
 

KOPV

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^ Im glad you had a talk with your sister and it went so well!! You mentioned that you don't have someone to talk to so it's nice to know you had that relieving feeling with that conversation.. I'd say let her have this initial talk with your parents and keep your mind off of that interaction - that would only stress you out more.. Your sister has your back and let the pressure you feel rest in her hands for now. She will share with you how it goes.. There could be a more open response than you expect ;)
 

DancingMjsdream

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^ Im glad you had a talk with your sister and it went so well!! You mentioned that you don't have someone to talk to so it's nice to know you had that relieving feeling with that conversation.. I'd say let her have this initial talk with your parents and keep your mind off of that interaction - that would only stress you out more.. Your sister has your back and let the pressure you feel rest in her hands for now. She will share with you how it goes.. There could be a more open response than you expect ;)

Thank you :)

It really helps to talk to someone. I always thought people wouldn't understand my problems but she was so supportive.
 

MJsBollywoodGirl7

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Thank you :)

It really helps to talk to someone. I always thought people wouldn't understand my problems but she was so supportive.

You are so lucky that you have someone to talk to. I so wish I did. But ever since what happen to Michael not a single person in my life. Preferably my mother and that husband of hers. Has never once been very understanding of my depression and why I need video/computer games so much now. My video/computer game obsession only started after what happened to Michael. Since video/computer games is really the only thing that I have that has help me cope with my depression. I can't believe how much my mother and her husband tends to forget that all the years when we still have Michael. Sims 2 was the only game I really had an obsession for. Since being an MJ fan was way more important than on playing video games. But now ever since what happened to Michael. I am obsessed with nearly all sorts of video/computer games. Bollywood used to help me too. I am still obsessed over Bollywood. But now it has gotten harder for me. Especially knowing the fact that this July there will be a Bollywood movie coming out called Munna Michael. Where the main actor in that movie plays a character who is a hardcore MJ fan. Who also totally idolised him. As you can see I am not looking forward to July at all. I mean it is bad enough that they had made an MJ related movie 3 years ago called Bang Bang. Now they are doing this to me again. Well it is one Bollywood movie that I won't see. Even though some of my favourite actors are in that movie. When you are someone who is still suffering from horrible depression of what happened to Michael. The very last thing you want to hear about is a movie that is about someone who is a hardcore MJ fan. Which is something I used to be. But now thanks to that mother fcking ahole by doing what he did. It is now only on life support.:( And I can only almost handle listening to Michael 1 or 2 days out of the entire year. And even that is a little too much for me.:boohoo
 

KOPV

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^ Please take this the way I mean it when I ask - have you considering counseling? They really can help if you find a well trained and intuitive person to speak with. I believe everybody could actually benefit from a GOOD therapist.
 

MJsBollywoodGirl7

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^ Please take this the way I mean it when I ask - have you considering counseling? They really can help if you find a well trained and intuitive person to speak with. I believe everybody could actually benefit from a GOOD therapist.

I have been seeing a therapist but to me it is not helping. Have been for over 2 years now. How am I suppose to get over my depression. When I am always seeing something or someone usually on tv that relates to him in some way. Like seeing people that once knew him. I try to keep the tv off as much as possible. So I don't have to see them. But it is really hard when you are trying to watch a program that I want to see. And they end up showing a commercial that has someone that once knew him in that commercial. And I really hate seeing or hearing people that once knew. Because it is not fair that they got to know him and I didn't. And that was my most biggest dream ever was to meet him one day. I can't even look at my senior year book anymore. Since one of the kids in my school had wrote in it. Good luck on marrying Michael Jackson. Because they knew about the obsession I had over Michael back then. Ever since I was 12 years old I had always consider Michael as the love of my life. He was literally my soul mate because of how much we had in common. There is litterally no MJ fan in this entire world. That has as many things in common as I did with him. Now thanks to what that fcking ahole did. I literally feel like his widow now.:boohoo And another thing it is just not seeing people on tv that once knew him. But to see advertisements for music awards shows is just as worst. What the hell is the fcking point of having a music award show. When the most greatest singer that you ever have in your country. Is never going to be a part of it in some way ever again. I don't want to see all of these no talent singers getting these music awards. I want to see real talented singers getting those awards. Not singers who only thinks they are talented singers when they really are not. Which is why I don't bother watching those award shows anymore. But unfortunately I am force to live in a country that has almost no more truly great talented singers left. And another thing it really hurts me now when I have to hear about celebrity news stories. As well as seeing advertisements for them. It is a constant horrible reminder of how I am never going to hear about the latest news stories about Michael ever again. And it is nearly impossible to try to avoid these celebrity news programs. When you have probably about a dozen of them on American tv. Back when we still had him I was always constantly taping the most latest news stories about Michael. You should see all the MJ related news stories I have on video tapes. Some of them dates back to 1993. Because I had this obsession of wanting to tape everything that was MJ related. Good or bad it did not matter to me. Now it just hurts like beyond hell that all that MJ related videos that I had either bought or taped. Is now in the computer room closet collecting dust. Never ever to be watch again by me.:( :boohoo Thanks to that mother fcking ahole I realized now the most biggest mistake I ever made was becoming a MJ fan. I totally wish now that I never became one. But if you are an 80s child like I am. You are not going to know any better. As an MJ fan yourself you know how huge of a star Michael was back then.
 
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KOPV

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^ I understand that looking away from what hurts becomes easier than facing it but the true only way to get through something is not running from the pain but running through it.. It's not easy, there's times that you'll question it, uncomforts will give you thoughts of 'hell no, I'm not doing this'.. but to get some type of healing, you have to allow the pain.. There is healing in tears, often not dealing with pain masks itself as getting over things but it's not.. I know you'd love to be in the position to enjoy Michaels music, videos, performances again and not just feel pain when you do.. To allow the joy that emotes from Michaels essence will take courage from you to fight through it... He left the legacy behind (he knew he would not be here forever) for people like you and I to enjoy, not feel pain..

Let his art speak to you as he wished... and as you desire!


It wont be easy, but run through the pain instead of from it.. I promise on the other side - there is a lot to enjoy...
 

MJsBollywoodGirl7

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I think I understand what you are saying. But I forgot to mention in my post about the horrific MJ related vivid nightmares that I am still suffering from. And to make it worst I am still haunted by the horrific vivid nightmares I had of him. All during that first horrible summer without him. And all the years when we still had him. It was extremely rare that I would have a nightmare. Especially ones that was about him. Now thanks to what that fcking ahole has done. Not only do I still suffer from those horrific nightmares about Michael. I also have horrible insomnia now. I haven't known what it is like to have a good night's worth of sleep. Since right before I heard the most horrible news ever about Michael. And the one thing I used to always do almost every single night was spending a few hours of watching and listening to Michael. That what always gave me good sleep at night. Because I knew I will be having another really amazing MJ dream. Now those amazing MJ dreams have been turn in to horrific vivid nightmares. If you had the kind of vivid nightmares that I have ever since what happen to him. Then you will understand more. Some of those vivid MJ nightmares had cause me to wake up crying and shaking uncontrollably. And I was forced to stay awake for the rest of the night. And there that one nightmare I had a few months ago where Michael's kids got nearly blown up inside the building they were in. I still don't know what made me have a nightmare like that. But I did have it. And not only that I was 3 times suicidal during that first horrible year without him. I am not anymore thanks to that obsession I started to have with video/computer games. As well as my obsession of wanting to watch Bollywood revenge movies. I tell you Bollywood really knows how to make the best revenge movies. Especially movies like Rakht Charitra and Anjaam. The 2010 movie Rakht Charitra is a real blood bath of revenge killings. And just to make that movie even better it was base on a true story that happen in India. And then there is the 1994 movie Anjaam. Which is definitely my most favorite revenge killing movie. I just so totally love how Shivani Chopra got her revenge on the 4 people that destroyed her happy life. And to have the song Pratighat Ki Jwala playing as she is getting her revenge makes those revenge scenes even more perfect. I really love what she did to that evil female cop and her evil money hungry brother-in-law in the movie. It is what she did to them is what I would so totally love to do to that evil ahole. He totally destroyed my h word life that I once had. It still really angers and sickens me to no fcking end that ahole did not get the death penalty for what he has done. Only a pathetic 4 years in jail. What the hell kind of justice is that? He has no fcking right to be doing stuff that Michael should still be doing. I can't even begin to tell you just how upset, angry, and sick I was feeling when he was on Dr. Oz's show. I only wish I could have been there during the taping of that episode. Because I would have been waiting for him with a fully loaded gun. And I would totally enjoy putting every single one of those bullets in to him. It is like what the 1 line of the song Pratighat Ki Jwala says She isn’t afraid of law or accusations or of any end result. I only see it this way if the law fail to give that evil monster the kind of justice he totally deserves. Then I will be doing it myself. He should be on death row awaiting the same exact execution that he gave to Michael. You know it is evil monsters like him is why I will always be a huge supporter for the death penalty. Because evil monsters totally deserves that kind of justice. Thanks to what that evil ahole did I became the total opposite of how I used to be when we still had Michael. And it is those nightmares that evil fcking piece of shit cause me to have now. That really messed me up bad. And I literally have no control over those nightmares.
 

DancingMjsdream

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MJsBollywoodGirl7;4193873 said:
I think I understand what you are saying. But I forgot to mention in my post about the horrific MJ related vivid nightmares that I am still suffering from. And to make it worst I am still haunted by the horrific vivid nightmares I had of him. All during that first horrible summer without him. And all the years when we still had him. It was extremely rare that I would have a nightmare. Especially ones that was about him. Now thanks to what that fcking ahole has done. Not only do I still suffer from those horrific nightmares about Michael. I also have horrible insomnia now. I haven't known what it is like to have a good night's worth of sleep. Since right before I heard the most horrible news ever about Michael. And the one thing I used to always do almost every single night was spending a few hours of watching and listening to Michael. That what always gave me good sleep at night. Because I knew I will be having another really amazing MJ dream. Now those amazing MJ dreams have been turn in to horrific vivid nightmares. If you had the kind of vivid nightmares that I have ever since what happen to him. Then you will understand more. Some of those vivid MJ nightmares had cause me to wake up crying and shaking uncontrollably. And I was forced to stay awake for the rest of the night. And there that one nightmare I had a few months ago where Michael's kids got nearly blown up inside the building they were in. I still don't know what made me have a nightmare like that. But I did have it. And not only that I was 3 times suicidal during that first horrible year without him. I am not anymore thanks to that obsession I started to have with video/computer games. As well as my obsession of wanting to watch Bollywood revenge movies. I tell you Bollywood really knows how to make the best revenge movies. Especially movies like Rakht Charitra and Anjaam. The 2010 movie Rakht Charitra is a real blood bath of revenge killings. And just to make that movie even better it was base on a true story that happen in India. And then there is the 1994 movie Anjaam. Which is definitely my most favorite revenge killing movie. I just so totally love how Shivani Chopra got her revenge on the 4 people that destroyed her happy life. And to have the song Pratighat Ki Jwala playing as she is getting her revenge makes those revenge scenes even more perfect. I really love what she did to that evil female cop and her evil money hungry brother-in-law in the movie. It is what she did to them is what I would so totally love to do to that evil ahole. He totally destroyed my h word life that I once had. It still really angers and sickens me to no fcking end that ahole did not get the death penalty for what he has done. Only a pathetic 4 years in jail. What the hell kind of justice is that? He has no fcking right to be doing stuff that Michael should still be doing. I can't even begin to tell you just how upset, angry, and sick I was feeling when he was on Dr. Oz's show. I only wish I could have been there during the taping of that episode. Because I would have been waiting for him with a fully loaded gun. And I would totally enjoy putting every single one of those bullets in to him. It is like what the 1 line of the song Pratighat Ki Jwala says She isn’t afraid of law or accusations or of any end result. I only see it this way if the law fail to give that evil monster the kind of justice he totally deserves. Then I will be doing it myself. He should be on death row awaiting the same exact execution that he gave to Michael. You know it is evil monsters like him is why I will always be a huge supporter for the death penalty. Because evil monsters totally deserves that kind of justice. Thanks to what that evil ahole did I became the total opposite of how I used to be when we still had Michael. And it is those nightmares that evil fcking piece of shit cause me to have now. That really messed me up bad. And I literally have no control over those nightmares.

You know, he might have been a monster to you. But he has family too you know? No person is just 100% evil. Conrad deserves to be in prison in my eyes,but nobody should be tortured- that's the LAST thing MJ wanted. You had an unhealthy obsession with Michael and you need to change something in your life. You said it yourself, it destroyed your life.
First you need to stay away from MJ forums, it's something that constantly reminds you of MJ.I know it is hard but it will help.

Second, you need a GOOD therapist. If you are not happy than find another one. I'm not sure if it's about the money etc but it's your life we're talking about, it should be worth it to find someone who can really help you.

It just bothers me when i read those thoughts of yours. My aunt's son has been killed and she does not wish to torture the man who killed him or kill him herself.She is not that kind of person. She hates him and wants him in prison yes, but she would never do the same to someones family. As an MJ fan you should know better.
 

MJsBollywoodGirl7

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You know, he might have been a monster to you. But he has family too you know? No person is just 100% evil. Conrad deserves to be in prison in my eyes,but nobody should be tortured- that's the LAST thing MJ wanted. You had an unhealthy obsession with Michael and you need to change something in your life. You said it yourself, it destroyed your life.
First you need to stay away from MJ forums, it's something that constantly reminds you of MJ.I know it is hard but it will help.

Second, you need a GOOD therapist. If you are not happy than find another one. I'm not sure if it's about the money etc but it's your life we're talking about, it should be worth it to find someone who can really help you.

It just bothers me when i read those thoughts of yours. My aunt's son has been killed and she does not wish to torture the man who killed him or kill him herself.She is not that kind of person. She hates him and wants him in prison yes, but she would never do the same to someones family. As an MJ fan you should know better.

The therapist I am seeing was the only one that was taking new patients at the time. The other therapists in my town were not taking any new patients. And I do think the therapist I am seeing is a good one. Yeah I know Michael wouldn't want this. But you don't know just what it is like to have those horrific vivid MJ nightmares. Those nightmares really messed me up bad. I just woke up from having another one. Thanks to what that ahole did my MJ fandom is literally on life support. What is the point of being one now. When there is absolutely nothing to look forward to in the MJ world anymore. And that evil monster had totally destroyed my MJ fandom. Back when we still had him I was one of the biggest hardcore MJ fans you could ever want to meet. But now thanks to what happen my MJ Shrine bedroom is no more. My bedroom walls and doors was litterally covered with MJ posters and pictures. Now I don't have a single picture of him up any where in my room. There have even been times where I had thought about burning my entire MJ collection. Because I find it that painful to even look at MJ items. Most especially my Opus MJ book and my concerts that I had bought off of Ebay. Back when we still had him. I have bought over 200 dollars worth of concerts and they are now collecting dust. As well as the rest of my MJ related video collection. That I had either taped or bought over the years. I can't watch them anymore. Since watching something MJ related only brings on panic attacks for me now. As well as listening to him now. There is only maybe 2 times out of the entire year where I totally have to force myself to listen to him. But thanks to that evil monster I am no longer have the obsession I once had for Michael. Since I now replaced him with the world's most greatest actor Shahrukh Khan. When I watch Shahrukh dancing in his movies. Or see him doing live performances it is almost like watching MJ again. Watching Shahrukh I am practically back to feeling the way I did back when we still had Michael. And another amazing thing about Shahrukh he is also an MJ fan. And as well as the King Of Bollywood. Which makes watching him even better. And I sorry that it bothers you to read those thoughts of mine. Just because I think about doing that to that fcking ahole. Doesn't exactly mean I am going to do that. How can I? Ever since what had happen to Michael I became a Christian. After spending many years as an atheist. I am still learning on how to be a good Christian. And I know as a good Christian you should forgive your enemies. But how the hell do you forgive someone that totally destroyed your life? Like that evil monster did. At least there is one thing about being a Christian. Is that I can trust that God would send that evil ahole to burn for an eternity in that Lake Of Fire. Where monsters like him needs to be in.
 

DancingMjsdream

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Are you sure your therapist is good? Has there been any kind of improvement since you have had therapy? If not than I don't think he or she helped you at all. It's been years since MJ's death and your symtomps haven't got better.

I believe you when you say it is too hard not to have these thoughts (as someone who struggels with OCD) but it does not help to watch revenge movies and fantasize about killing someone. And it certainly does not help to visit a forum which is all about MJ just to complain about your life. People come here because they love him and it's sad to read that anybody could have a miserable life just because of him.He was human after all,not a god. I know you miss being an MJ fan,but it's important that you deal with his death and accept that you cannot do anything about it.He has lived his life, he died too soon but
at least he had three wonderful children and knew that he was still loved and welcomed for a comeback.

It's time that you do something about it. Or do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?
Don't just look for replacements. Confront your fears and problems and have somebody who supports you.
 

KOPV

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Death is not an easy thing to deal with when it's someone we care about.. It's not something I personally like thinking about BUT.. All who we love (and ourselves) will pass away.. We have to grasp this, and understand we will all one not be here - to process life and the pain that death leaves behind is important.

Don't take this lightly, if processing death of a stranger (Michael - who we can love from a distance) can have such a huge impact how would that individual internalize a death of a family member.. I believe for many Michael passing killed the fantasy that was the icon - not just the person.. If we can understand that the icon, the image, the fantasy still lives on.. (And not just a hokey comment by me) we can grasp things a piece at a time!

For those who are still struggling with this, (which I'm sure we are all in some regard) don't try tackling it all at once, it is a huge undertaking that the mind cannot do all at once.. maybe first grasp the fact that he was a human that was destined to pass away like the rest of us. He was not an entity - though he often seamed like one.. It may help grasp this also by knowing that Michael was in pain, he even feared growing old, think of how hurt and struggling was when he was alive... What I am trying to say is, he is no longer (no matter what belief you have) fearing for his life anymore...

The art continues... His hope was to create things that will live forever, HE DID THAT! his music, his art, everything he left behind will be here after each of us have passed on.. He really does live in each person (even non fans) the impact he had changed popular culture in ways that most do not grasp.. Really give that thought, in that way he is more alive than many of the 'living' today..

allow yourself to focus on yourself, your health, your joys.. Don't live in the sadness your mind traps you in.. THAT is not living! healing is found in optimism, laughter, and in the glory that we call imagination.. plants really do grow healthier with music, even the smallest organisms dance to rhythms, and humans are not the only living creatures that laugh...
 

MJsBollywoodGirl7

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Are you sure your therapist is good? Has there been any kind of improvement since you have had therapy? If not than I don't think he or she helped you at all. It's been years since MJ's death and your symtomps haven't got better.

I believe you when you say it is too hard not to have these thoughts (as someone who struggels with OCD) but it does not help to watch revenge movies and fantasize about killing someone. And it certainly does not help to visit a forum which is all about MJ just to complain about your life. People come here because they love him and it's sad to read that anybody could have a miserable life just because of him.He was human after all,not a god. I know you miss being an MJ fan,but it's important that you deal with his death and accept that you cannot do anything about it.He has lived his life, he died too soon but
at least he had three wonderful children and knew that he was still loved and welcomed for a comeback.

It's time that you do something about it. Or do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?
Don't just look for replacements. Confront your fears and problems and have somebody who supports you.

That is easy enough for you to say. You probably have friends and family that supports you. Where I don't have that at all. The only friends I have in my life is me, my stuff animals, and the Sims in my Sims games. And then there is my family who is nothing more than a big fcking joke. Which is what I get to have MJ haters in my family. Like these 2 for an instance. My aunt who loves Elvis the way that I had loved Michael. She has always hated Michael Jackson. Just like I have always hated Elvis Presley. I don't get to see her too often. Maybe at the most once or twice a year. Since she lives a good several hours away from me. But I remember the first time I saw her after what had happen to Michael. Despite her hatred of him. I still was going to ask her how she had dealt with what happen to Elvis. But I never did asked her. Since it turns out she totally believes that Elvis is still very much alive. Thanks to her oldest son telling her so. And I remember her hurting me very bad though she probably didn't know that she did. That she told me the same about Michael about he is hiding somewhere on an island. Because he wanted to be away from everybody. Of course I looked at her as if she was absolutely insane. Because she doesn't know Michael the way that I know him. And why the hell would he hurt not only his fans but his kids as well. By faking his own d word. My aunt who is in her 70s now is not exactly all there in the head. And let me tell you about my MJ hating mother she has never once been very understanding. Nor did she ever once showed a single ounce of compassion and sympathy of what it has been like for me. I can't seem to get it through that very thick skull of hers. Of why I need things like video and computer games now. When she doesn't seem to get that all the years when we still had him. I never once show much interest in the video and computer games. Except for the Sims 2 game that was the only game I had like an obsession for. Back when we still had him. What other game can you make yourself in to a sim. And have that sim be married to a sim that looks like MJ. But other than that I was more in to books and being an MJ fan than playing video and computer games. I can still remember when the Nintendo Wii came out. I totally vow never to get one because of the news stories I had been hearing about them. I also didn't have any interest in getting a Nintendo ds either when that first came out. Now ever since what happen to Michael. Not only do I have a Nintendo Wii but I also have a Gameboy Advance sp, Nintendo ds, a 3ds, 3ds xl, a Nintendo Wii U, an iPad mini 3, and a Kindle Fire hd. I also spent over a 1,000 dollars on one of the top of the lines gaming laptops. So I can really play my computer games on it. And also hopefully sometime in the next month or so I will finally have my Nintendo Switch. And I can tell you right now if we still had him I would never have gotten any of that stuff. Playing video and computer games is the only way I can deal with my depression. I really can't rely on the Bollywood movies like I used to. Not when the most recent ones are going to keep having MJ related scenes in them now. Something I realized over 3 hours ago. After getting done watching my Raees movie dvd. One of the very best Shahrukh Khan movies ever made. And I didn't know there was an MJ related scene in that movie. If I had known I would have never gotten the movie. Despite the 10 months I had waited to see that movie. Thank god I was able to quickly fast forward that MJ scene on my portable dvd player. Before one of my panic attacks started for me. I tend to have horrible panic attacks now. If I so much as to try to watch or listen to something that is MJ related. And I know that is what I have. Because I had them before back when we still had him. But it was never with him it was with my apiphobia. Which is the fear of bees, wasps, hornets, and yellow jackets. Well bees mostly. Over 20 years ago I was horrible stung in my one hand by a bee. Which cause me to remain in pain for 3 days. And since then I had this phobia of bees or any insect like them. That phobia is no longer as bad as it used to be. But now it just plainly hurts like beyond hell. Knowing that I suffer from panic attacks now just from trying to watch or listen to something MJ related.:(:boohoo
 

DancingMjsdream

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No my family does not support me at all, only my sister. And i don't really have friends. But I'm sure there can be someone who can support you. In your case it could be a good therapist who understand your problems.

You have panic attacks when you watch MJ related stuff, so now you don't watch them anymore and the panic attacks are getting worse and not better as time passes? I believe that you have probably developped an anxiety disorder which gets worse because you run away from it. It's the same with my OCD, I am scared of certain situations or thoughts and so I run away from them to not experience these horrible feelings. But the fear manifests itself. Whenever you're in that situation your body gives you the symptoms you've described. I know it's hard but the only way to stop it is to confront the fears,not run away from them and look for replacements - It will help you for a short time but not forever. There are special therapies for people who are afraid of specific situations, they learn to control their emotions and see that there is no reason to be afraid.

Do you still live with your family? If so,your entire environment is not healthy for you if they are MJ haters and don't care about your problems.
 

MJsBollywoodGirl7

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No my family does not support me at all, only my sister. And i don't really have friends. But I'm sure there can be someone who can support you. In your case it could be a good therapist who understand your problems.

You have panic attacks when you watch MJ related stuff, so now you don't watch them anymore and the panic attacks are getting worse and not better as time passes? I believe that you have probably developped an anxiety disorder which gets worse because you run away from it. It's the same with my OCD, I am scared of certain situations or thoughts and so I run away from them to not experience these horrible feelings. But the fear manifests itself. Whenever you're in that situation your body gives you the symptoms you've described. I know it's hard but the only way to stop it is to confront the fears,not run away from them and look for replacements - It will help you for a short time but not forever. There are special therapies for people who are afraid of specific situations, they learn to control their emotions and see that there is no reason to be afraid.

Do you still live with your family? If so,your entire environment is not healthy for you if they are MJ haters and don't care about your problems.

Let me tell you something I remember back after I had ordered Bad 25 off the internet. And after finally getting it in the mail. I was so good and ready to watch that Wembley Concert that night. Because out of all the concerts Michael had done over the years. It was the Bad Wembley Concert I had so badly been wanting to see the most. Because that was the concert where Michael had perform Dirty Diana. So I decided to go get myself all clean up. Like I always did before I start one of my MJ nights. Back when we still had him. I used to always take a shower then I will spend a good few hours nearly every single night watching and listening to him. Any way I put that concert in my computer to watch it. I put on the Dirty Diana performance first. Since I just could not wait any longer to see it. Then I will watch the rest of the concert after that. Well I only got to enjoy about half of that performance. Was when I so very suddenly started to get one of my first panic attacks. And I know that what it was. Cause like I had said I had them before from my phobia of bees. That panic attack I was having was so bad. That it made me shut that concert off. And my planned MJ night was totally over for me. It took me nearly an hour until I had finally gotten over that panic attack. And I can't tell you how many times I had tried to watch Michael after that incident. And each and every single time it just ended up with me having another panic attack. Which is why I had turn to Shahrukh Khan. Who is the King Of Bollywood. When I watch Shahrukh I am totally back to feeling the way I was when I used to watch MJ. When I see Shahrukh dancing either in his movies or any of his live performances. It is almost like watching Michael again with his dancing. And there is one great thing about the Bollywood stars a lot of them are MJ fans. So as badly as I miss watching Michael. I have Shahrukh Khan to watch instead of him. What is the point of watching someone. When it is just going to bring on panic attacks within the first 10 to 30 seconds of watching that person. And there is absolutely no one I could turn to for support. Everyone in my family hates Michael Jackson. They all think he is weird and a child molester. But I will admit this there was only one other person in my family that was an MJ fan. And that was my marriage by only cousin. She was as big of a fan as I was back during the Dangerous Era. Well that is until August of 1993. When that news story broke about that nameless ahole kid mention that Michael Jackson had touch him. Well the next time I saw my cousin she was a hater of his. Where I was still an MJ fan. Because as upset as I was when I heard that. I still totally refused to believe that horrible story. And I knew he was lying. Because I could clearly tell that he was. Well my cousin totally believe that story. And now she is one of the most biggest MJ haters you could ever want to meet. She totally destroyed and threw away all of her MJ items. Instead of giving them to me. So all I have to turn to for support is my Christian programs, Bollywood, and my video and computer games. Especially if those games are my puzzle games. I can't tell you just how relaxing doing a puzzle game on your iPad. Or on your Nintendo 3ds can really be. Unfortunately yes I still live with my mother and my step father. I really have no choice since thanks to my health problems and the disabilities that I have. There is really no where else I can go to.
 

DancingMjsdream

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Okay, so there is really no way for you to move out someday and gain some independence? I can't imagine how it must be like to live with MJ haters when you were such a big fan of his. Is your cousin still convinced that he was guilty?


What does your therapist say about your problems? Do you have a good relationship? I really believe that it helps a lot if you have somebody to talk to.
 

MJsBollywoodGirl7

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Okay, so there is really no way for you to move out someday and gain some independence? I can't imagine how it must be like to live with MJ haters when you were such a big fan of his. Is your cousin still convinced that he was guilty?


What does your therapist say about your problems? Do you have a good relationship? I really believe that it helps a lot if you have somebody to talk to.

As far as I know my cousin still hates him. I haven't seen her since my grandfather's funeral. He died exactly 2 months and 22 days before what was to happen to Michael.:(:boohoo And all the times I have seen her. She never wanted me to mention so much as his name to her. So as far as I know she is still a MJ hater. And no there is no way I can move out. Even though I am 37 years old now. Since I can't drive thanks to my disabilities and health problems that I have. Yeah it does suck living with MJ haters who refuses to understand what it has been like for me. Especially with my mother who I almost constantly always end up having huge fights with. Because I can't get her to understand. Of why I tend to spend so much money on video and computer games every month. Mostly games for my iPad. And that is when another one of our fights usually starts. Because she is so damn thick headed that she doesn't seem to get it. I think all that blonde hair dye that she uses. To cover up her gray hair. Has definitely soak in to her brain enough to make her not get it. I am so very glad I don't have natural blonde hair. My video and computer game obsession only started during the first horrible year without him. It was that obsession was one of the reasons that stopped me for going through with one of my 3 suicide attempts. 2 other reasons was Shahrukh Khan and Bollywood. And realizing that I will not be going to same place where Michael is now.:( Of course my MJ hating mother and that husband of hers does not want to get this. About the obsession I have for video and computer games. Ever since what happen with Michael. I have since gotten used to being like Eeyore with that dark rain cloud over his head. As for my once a month therapist. I am pretty ok with him. And yeah he does help.
 

KOPV

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^ Is there possibilities of you seeing that person more than once a month? so much happens within the month and it becomes hard to put into action efforts that a therapist would try guiding you through week 2,3,4 etc.. when I have seen a therapist I would wish I could go twice a week lol! I didn't but there has been times where I'd get upset when my time would be close to be over because I had more to let out..
 

MJsBollywoodGirl7

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^ Is there possibilities of you seeing that person more than once a month? so much happens within the month and it becomes hard to put into action efforts that a therapist would try guiding you through week 2,3,4 etc.. when I have seen a therapist I would wish I could go twice a week lol! I didn't but there has been times where I'd get upset when my time would be close to be over because I had more to let out..

Unfortunately no there isn't. The therapists around where I live. Only sees their patients once a month. And for me it is always less than an hour for each visit. Because that is all he wants to see me for. Personally I don't even know why I even bother wasting my money on one. When I can get all the therapy I really need. Mostly through video and computer games and watching Bollywood related stuff. Preferably watching Bollywood revenge movies. As I wish I could do that to that nameless ahole. I have to say they do make me feel better after watching them. Especially from watching the movies Rakht Charitra and Anjaam.
 

KOPV

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^ just wondering..... where the heck do you live? lol
 

KOPV

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^ I just figured it has to be a pretty small town to have 1 therapist available. That has got to be tough in that regard!
 

miss rose

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Hi, i suffer from acute anxiety and depression. I live in a very unusual high crime situation.
 
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NatureCriminal7896

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Yup! basically my whole life. not sure it will ever go away. but i'm still young so anything can happen in the next few years. i'm not giving up. and if it's a long life thing then i need to find ways to accept it.
 

8701girl

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You are worth something we asll are! you just gotta belive in yourslf
 

NatureCriminal7896

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If only one could reset his/her life I'd do it in a heartbeat. But would it change anything? Probably not, I am who I am and it's nothing to brag about. I am worthless and without purpose, there are many people out there that deserve a good life, I don't because of my weak avoidant personality and lifestyle. The worst part of it all, my life is only about half way now, so there's still a long time to go.
I'm in a vulnerable mental state and perhaps I made a mistake to make an account here.

You sound a lot like me in someways. i'm an introvert. i'm so different from everyone and sometimes i ask myself do i belong here. while i do have depression. i stay alive for my family sake. that's the only reason why i'm still living. i'm young and still have life ahead of me too.

why making an account have anything do with depression? mentally? if so i understand. social media really isn't good for mental health. but i come here for Michael.
 
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