Feeling SO guilty right now...

[Courtney]

Ok, I really really need to let this out because it's really getting to me and bringing me down even more.

I've been feeling so incredibly guilty for the past few days over become a real genuine fan of Michael's after his death. When I was little, I was terrified of Thriller and I loved Billie Jean and Beat It. That's how I grew up knowing Michael. The moonwalking, zombie guy who sang "Beat it!" (I mean that in a good way) I knew a couple of his songs before his death. Billie Jean was a song that I always really liked since I was little and I really enjoyed hearing it. However, there are songs that I've heard in the past that I didn't realize was Michael until I really started getting into his music. When I first heard them, not realizing it was him, I really loved the songs. The first song I really listened to on my own before Michael's death (about 6 months ago?) was The Way You Make Me Feel. Instantly became a favorite and the first performance I watched of that was the one with Britney Spears. When I started listening to all the songs from each of his albums after his death, A LOT of his songs were so familiar to me. I've obviously heard them all before when I was growing up.

Then since then to June 25, I was starting to I guess "acknowledge" Michael more I guess? I always respected him greatly as an artist, I always knew he was the best but I never really gave the time to learn about him or listen to any of his other music. I started hearing, "I'll Be There" on that one insurance commercial I think it was. I knew the song, loved it. I caught myself singing it. Then the song "Somebody's Watching Me" was in a commercial too. They always played Michael's part and I always sang along when it came on. That's what led to a discussion between my mom and I about Michael. She pulled up youtube videos and showed me all these performances of his and I was so amazed. Unfortunately, I never bothered to look more into him. And I feel so horrible. My mom is so on the rocks with Michael though, that I can't even tell whether she likes him or not. She likes his music but not him? I have no idea. She tried telling me all this strange stuff about him, basically lies, and I was just like "whatever."

I started checking out forums and stuff revolving around him and it wasn't until this year I found out he was accused of child molestation. Not kidding. I had no idea whatsoever about that because I was so young when his trial happened. I read a little bit into him but the child molestation stuff was creeping me out a bit and I just stopped searching him. I didn't believe it at all though, I thought it was garbage. Didn't let it change my perspective of him. It wasn't until recently, about a week or two before his death, he started popping up randomly in my head. I started searching, "Michael Jackson tour" to see if he still performs and all that but I really wish I would have just looked so much more into him when he was alive than I really did.

I can't help but keep thinking that, if Michael never died would I have become such a huge fan and actually gave his music a really good listen? Maybe those events above were leading up to that but I'm just not sure. I know some people will probably say "a fan is a fan" or "better late than never." I just wish it would have been much much sooner. I know there's people my age saying, "I loved him ever since I was little!" I loved his songs but I didn't really know much of him. The day he died though, my heart really sank when I saw the hospital/coma reports. I've been such a wreck ever since. I can't stop thinking about him, I can't sleep and it makes me so upset. And the thing is, I'm not just a fan of his work, he's really inspired me.

I really needed to let that out. I feel so guilty right now.

 

[MichaelJackson4Ever]

The whole world isn't expected to adore and idolize one person because they're really famous. You knew and loved his songs and that's great. You don't need to know everything about the artist's background, childhood, previous tours to enjoy his music and be a fan.

Sometimes we take things for granted. And we don't realize how great they are until they're gone. Michael Jackson was apart of every household across the world. Everybody knew him and his songs. But nobody ever expected him to die. He's "Michael Jackson". Michael Jackson isn't supposed to die. That's how everyone thought. He was always 'there'. He stood out from other famous people and I guess that's why most people never thought he could ever possibly just die...

It's okay to read up on his past and get to know him more now. Just because he has died doesn't mean it's too late. Michael's music will live on forever, and so will he.

 

[krism]

There's a lot of people who can relate and who became fans once Michael Jackson died. My feeling is that many were fans but it took his dying to get them to realize how much they did like him. Its like the Princess Diana thing. In life many hated her for her last few years and how it was increasingly bitter between her and Charles. But then when she died the world was in shock, because she seemed larger than life and people assumed she would always be there. Then suddenly she wasnt and a lot of people became admirers of her as the world mourned. The same thing is happening with Michael Jackson. Nobody expected him to die under circumstances like this and I feel that many did like him but just never got around to expressing it, and unfortunately it took his death to jolt them. But please try not to feel guilty. Guilt is one of the most useless things people experience and everyone deals with it differently and its something most of us experience many times throughout our lives but I hope you learn to forgive yourself and move on and just appreciate the fact you're a fan now.

 

[xo_lola_xo]

Your heart sank when he died. You loved him deep deep down.

Don't feel guilty, it's alright. Looking down from heaven, Michael will be more than happy to see new fans. :flowers:

 

[Courtney]

Aw, thanks everyone.

It just feel really bad because I come on here and see all of you dedicated fans who have been there for Michael for many years. Then here I come only knowing 3 songs (at the time). Then there's those fans who don't accept the "new" ones and I keep reading articles about how "all the fans come out NOW." Makes me feel so guilty. A lot of those years I wasn't even born or didn't understand. I'm glad I atleast appreciated and respected him though.

Your heart sank when he died. You loved him deep deep down.

Yes, it really did. The whole time, my dad kept saying, "He's dead!" and I was just like, "No, shut up they're not sure." I kept denying it. I didn't want it to be true at all.

 

[xo_lola_xo]

Aw, thanks everyone.

It just feel really bad because I come on here and see all of you dedicated fans who have been there for Michael for many years. Then here I come only knowing 3 songs (at the time). Then there's those fans who don't accept the "new" ones and I keep reading articles about how "all the fans come out NOW." Makes me feel so guilty. A lot of those years I wasn't even born or didn't understand. I'm glad I atleast appreciated and respected him though.




Yes, it really did. The whole time, my dad kept saying, "He's dead!" and I was just like, "No, shut up they're not sure." I kept denying it. I didn't want it to be true at all.

That's how I was like, just kept denying it. Even when Jermaine confirmed it, I was so hoping it wasn't true. I was like "oh who cares, Jermaine talks crap anyway".


I know it's inapporiate to think that but I just wanted Michael to be ok soooo badly.

 

[Neeve]

Ok, I really really need to let this out because it's really getting to me and bringing me down even more.

I've been feeling so incredibly guilty for the past few days over become a real genuine fan of Michael's after his death. When I was little, I was terrified of Thriller and I loved Billie Jean and Beat It. That's how I grew up knowing Michael. The moonwalking, zombie guy who sang "Beat it!" (I mean that in a good way) I knew a couple of his songs before his death. Billie Jean was a song that I always really liked since I was little and I really enjoyed hearing it. However, there are songs that I've heard in the past that I didn't realize was Michael until I really started getting into his music. When I first heard them, not realizing it was him, I really loved the songs. The first song I really listened to on my own before Michael's death (about 6 months ago?) was The Way You Make Me Feel. Instantly became a favorite and the first performance I watched of that was the one with Britney Spears. When I started listening to all the songs from each of his albums after his death, A LOT of his songs were so familiar to me. I've obviously heard them all before when I was growing up.

Then since then to June 25, I was starting to I guess "acknowledge" Michael more I guess? I always respected him greatly as an artist, I always knew he was the best but I never really gave the time to learn about him or listen to any of his other music. I started hearing, "I'll Be There" on that one insurance commercial I think it was. I knew the song, loved it. I caught myself singing it. Then the song "Somebody's Watching Me" was in a commercial too. They always played Michael's part and I always sang along when it came on. That's what led to a discussion between my mom and I about Michael. She pulled up youtube videos and showed me all these performances of his and I was so amazed. Unfortunately, I never bothered to look more into him. And I feel so horrible. My mom is so on the rocks with Michael though, that I can't even tell whether she likes him or not. She likes his music but not him? I have no idea. She tried telling me all this strange stuff about him, basically lies, and I was just like "whatever."

I started checking out forums and stuff revolving around him and it wasn't until this year I found out he was accused of child molestation. Not kidding. I had no idea whatsoever about that because I was so young when his trial happened. I read a little bit into him but the child molestation stuff was creeping me out a bit and I just stopped searching him. I didn't believe it at all though, I thought it was garbage. Didn't let it change my perspective of him. It wasn't until recently, about a week or two before his death, he started popping up randomly in my head. I started searching, "Michael Jackson tour" to see if he still performs and all that but I really wish I would have just looked so much more into him when he was alive than I really did.

I can't help but keep thinking that, if Michael never died would I have become such a huge fan and actually gave his music a really good listen? Maybe those events above were leading up to that but I'm just not sure. I know some people will probably say "a fan is a fan" or "better late than never." I just wish it would have been much much sooner. I know there's people my age saying, "I loved him ever since I was little!" I loved his songs but I didn't really know much of him. The day he died though, my heart really sank when I saw the hospital/coma reports. I've been such a wreck ever since. I can't stop thinking about him, I can't sleep and it makes me so upset. And the thing is, I'm not just a fan of his work, he's really inspired me.

I really needed to let that out. I feel so guilty right now.

It took a lot to share this, thank you.
I share a lot of your experiences....he was ALWAYS in my life, I knew his songs, my earliest memory is him in the Bad video, I knew how wonderful he was but I never gave myself the chance to truly, deeply experience his magic.
Since he passed, I haven't listened to any other music. My heart feels like it's actually broken. I can now truly see his incomparable genius, talent, beauty and LOVE. I am so thankful to see that, to experience it, and to share it with so many people. I regret too that I didn't really see it before now, but only now I realise that there are a lot of people who aren't lucky enough to truly experience it, and never will. So do what I do: embrace it now. Keep his legacy alive.
xxx

Your heart sank when he died. You loved him deep deep down.

Don't feel guilty, it's alright. Looking down from heaven, Michael will be more than happy to see new fans. :flowers:

awwwwh thank you for this!!

 

[JaneBender]

The whole world isn't expected to adore and idolize one person because they're really famous. You knew and loved his songs and that's great. You don't need to know everything about the artist's background, childhood, previous tours to enjoy his music and be a fan.

Sometimes we take things for granted. And we don't realize how great they are until they're gone. Michael Jackson was apart of every household across the world. Everybody knew him and his songs. But nobody ever expected him to die. He's "Michael Jackson". Michael Jackson isn't supposed to die. That's how everyone thought. He was always 'there'. He stood out from other famous people and I guess that's why most people never thought he could ever possibly just die...

It's okay to read up on his past and get to know him more now. Just because he has died doesn't mean it's too late. Michael's music will live on forever, and so will he.

That's how I felt.. like this dudes superhuman, he's Peter Pan, he's never gonna die. I mean he WILL, but I was thinking like everyone else does, that he's just die of old age, natural causes, whatever... never like this.

A fan is a fan is a fan. Now, then, doesn't matter. Don't you dare feel guilty. You're here now.. just immerse yourself in all sides and all parts of MJ, there is so much more than the music.. even I'm seeing things I never saw and heard before and I'm pretty sure I'm older than you are.

 

[Neeve]

That's how I felt.. like this dudes superhuman, he's Peter Pan, he's never gonna die. I mean he WILL, but I was thinking like everyone else does, that he's just die of old age, natural causes, whatever... never like this.

A fan is a fan is a fan. Now, then, doesn't matter. Don't you dare feel guilty. You're here now.. just immerse yourself in all sides and all parts of MJ, there is so much more than the music.. even I'm seeing things I never saw and heard before and I'm pretty sure I'm older than you are.

That's a beautiful post :wub:

 

[Courtney]

Thanks so much all. *hugs*
You know, I think I finally figured out why I'm THIS hurt over Michael's death. I was listening to Michael's demo of "We Are the World" about 10 minutes ago and I started bursting into tears. I remember hearing this song all the time when I was growing up and I used to sing it in my head. I loved that song. I think just having heard Michael's music throughout my childhood and enjoying really helped make the impact on me. I mean, I heard one portion of "Bad" once when I was little and I would go around the house singing, "I'm Bad! I'm bad!" lol. Hearing his music now, it's just all so familiar to me. I've heard it before, a long time ago.

It almost feels like a small piece of my childhood has been broken off. And it hurts a lot.

That's how I felt.. like this dudes superhuman, he's Peter Pan, he's never gonna die. I mean he WILL, but I was thinking like everyone else does, that he's just die of old age, natural causes, whatever... never like this.

A fan is a fan is a fan. Now, then, doesn't matter. Don't you dare feel guilty. You're here now.. just immerse yourself in all sides and all parts of MJ, there is so much more than the music.. even I'm seeing things I never saw and heard before and I'm pretty sure I'm older than you are.

I know. The thought of Michael Jackson dying never crossed my mind. To me, he was invincible. He was someone that was always there and I figured he always would be. I just wish to carry out his legacy as that's what he would want. I'm just glad to be here now.

 

[StaceyMJ]

Thanks so much all. *hugs*
You know, I think I finally figured out why I'm THIS hurt over Michael's death. I was listening to Michael's demo of "We Are the World" about 10 minutes ago and I started bursting into tears. I remember hearing this song all the time when I was growing up and I used to sing it in my head. I loved that song. I think just having heard Michael's music throughout my childhood and enjoying really helped make the impact on me. I mean, I heard one portion of "Bad" once when I was little and I would go around the house singing, "I'm Bad! I'm bad!" lol. Hearing his music now, it's just all so familiar to me. I've heard it before, a long time ago.

It almost feels like a small piece of my childhood has been broken off. And it hurts a lot.

I can totally relate to that. It's like, a part of me isn't alive anymore. Michael was a huge part of my childhood too, so many memories. It's hard to adjust to this.

 

[thesmellofcoffee]

I only became a fan on last year but that doesn't mean my love for Michael will be lesser than any other fans. There isn't a need to feel guilty or thinks that why I didnt get to know Michael earlier. There is no right or wrong in love. As long as you, yourself know what's your own feelin towards Michael and that's enough. I believe Michael can feel you

Yes, I know it's a pity for not kowin Michael earlier. When did you become a fan is only a matter of time but i believe our love for Michael is eternity and that's what's most important.

 

[CaptainEoLove85]

My experience with Michael was much the same actually. Just a casual listener of his music. Didn't really hear much of him after the "Bad" and "Dangerous" era. I just now discovered a lot of his songs I hadn't heard before, and learning a lot more about him that I didn't know before. I feel guilty too because I didn't know about all this stuff and wishing I did while he was still alive. And believe me I felt like beating myself up about it. I know I can't go back and change that now, but I try to look at it as a positive thing. Rediscovering him has been quite an amazing experience and I'm grateful for these new experiences really. Don't worry about feeling guilty, I feel it too. I call myself a fan still. Doesn't matter if you hadn't heard much from him, or you had been following everything he's done since day one.

 

[Experience the magic]

It just feel really bad because I come on here and see all of you dedicated fans who have been there for Michael for many years. Then here I come only knowing 3 songs (at the time). Then there's those fans who don't accept the "new" ones and I keep reading articles about how "all the fans come out NOW." Makes me feel so guilty. A lot of those years I wasn't even born or didn't understand. I'm glad I atleast appreciated and respected him though.

Don't feel guilty Courtney, there's no need. Many didn't really discover Michael untill after his passing, that doesn't mean you dont have the right to be a fan now! Like Krism said, sometimes it takes loosing someone before you realize how much you actually cared about this person. And you don't have to know every song, his background, his family and what else not to be a 'fan'. So really, dont worry about that. For you and many others, the magical journey that is Michael has only just begon, you're on the verge of discovering the beauty this man brought to so many of us. And we welcome you to it!

As for fans not appreciating the newer fans... I think they mainly aim at the people that are currently jumping the bandwagon because Michael is a hype as we speak. You know, like folks that always dissed Michael now suddenly play the music, because everyone else is. But what does it matter. Whats true in your heart is all that counts. So welcome here and enjoy the magic! :yes:

 

[froggytuff]

Aw, thanks everyone.
Then there's those fans who don't accept the "new" ones and I keep reading articles about how "all the fans come out NOW." Makes me feel so guilty. A lot of those years I wasn't even born or didn't understand. I'm glad I atleast appreciated and respected him though.

They could've also meant....where were everyone during mj's dark days, ie during his trial.....but honey, you were too young to understand all this trial stuff. What u feel in your heart is what u really feel.....and no-one can take that away from u.

As for me, I always liked mj and was 100% behind him in his trial days.....but I was never a 'forum' speaker......until after his death. cause I just want to talk about mj.....and not everyone else does....so this is the only place I wanna be......same as u

 

[Michelle MC]

Courtney,
I know what you're going through, because I'm kind of going through the same thing. I grew up with Michael so of course I knew his songs from his Thriller album and I knew the songs from "Off the Wall". Then the songs he released after I knew of as well. There are a lot of songs that others know that I didn't find out until he passed away. I really came to love him during that interview with that jerk, Bashir in 2002-3. It was prior to that that I found out about the 1993 accusations, but I'm not sure how much sooner I found out. Then I heard he faced allegations again and I wasn't supportive. I didn't know what to believe. When I watched that interview with Bashir, I believed Michael to be innocent of the first allegations, but then I wondered when he was charged again, but I didn't follow his trial, so I really never formed an opinion for lack of a better word. I did know that he helped children all over the world. In fact, I liked him as a person because of that, which is the reason I can't listen to "Heal the World". That song introduced me to Michael, the person. But then I just kind of wandered off and did my own things.
So yes, I feel guilty too. Here is an angelic star and I paid attention to him, but not as much as I wish I would have. As someone said, guilt is useless, but it's hard not to feel guilty, especially when I'm among all these fans who have been dedicated for years.

 

[marlau_20zr]

i grew up listening to his music.. i remember that all sunday morning we listened all Thriller album.. but i never got into his music too much.. i feel guilty now, because i know i`m not the only who did know his music but not the person.. i mean, i have his album (except Invincible), his dvds since at least 8 years.. but i wasn`t really in love like i am now..
i feel guilty too..
i`m 16 years old and i live in Argentina.. he played here in 1993... i was borned december 1992.. soo.. of course i didn`t know him then.. my aunt when to see him and still got the ticket.. i remember i talked by phone the day he died and she was crying soo much! she couldn`t stop crying... it was all really sad

 

[Courtney]

Thanks so much for the support guys. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm starting to learn to embrace it though, because he also changed my life.
The thing is, I always had such a great respect for him, especially as an artist because I always knew how big and great he is. I always felt my mind light up a bit when I heard his name too. I always was looking on his wikipedia page and IMDB page too for some reason. I would get these times where I'd just randomly feel like looking him up. I always liked him but it took me a while to get into that "fan mode." I don't know. I did have a small connection to him before he died and I think that's why I'm so affected by all of this.

As for fans not appreciating the newer fans... I think they mainly aim at the people that are currently jumping the bandwagon because Michael is a hype as we speak. You know, like folks that always dissed Michael now suddenly play the music, because everyone else is. But what does it matter. Whats true in your heart is all that counts. So welcome here and enjoy the magic! :yes:

True, I didn't think about it that way. I've run into way too many people like that and it bothers me. Even though I'm now a fan, I know I'm a FAN and a fan forever. Not just because he's the "it thing" again. I have to say also that I very rarely EVER get this way with musicians or celebrities and stuff, if not at all. So I'm happy to say that Michael is forever in my heart and I'll continue to make his legacy live on. But I can't help but wish that I could say I was one of the fans who supported him while he was living. Sure I had a slight interest in him but that's different.

I really came to love him during that interview with that jerk, Bashir in 2002-3. It was prior to that that I found out about the 1993 accusations, but I'm not sure how much sooner I found out. Then I heard he faced allegations again and I wasn't supportive. I didn't know what to believe. When I watched that interview with Bashir, I believed Michael to be innocent of the first allegations, but then I wondered when he was charged again, but I didn't follow his trial, so I really never formed an opinion for lack of a better word. I did know that he helped children all over the world. In fact, I liked him as a person because of that, which is the reason I can't listen to "Heal the World". That song introduced me to Michael, the person. But then I just kind of wandered off and did my own things.
So yes, I feel guilty too. Here is an angelic star and I paid attention to him, but not as much as I wish I would have. As someone said, guilt is useless, but it's hard not to feel guilty, especially when I'm among all these fans who have been dedicated for years.

The Bashir interview was probably one of the first Michael interviews I watched, sucks to say. But really, I ignored all the garbage Bashir was trying to create and saw this beautiful man. I had no idea, until months ago, that he was accused. I knew him as a singer and dancer, not any other way you know? So I kind of ignored the allegations and went on with how I thought of him before. It is hard to not feel guilty, I agree. There's so many amazing fans here who've loved him for such a long time. If I'm feeling this hurt over his death, I can't even begin to imagine how these longtime loving fans feel.

i`m 16 years old and i live in Argentina.. he played here in 1993... i was borned december 1992.. soo.. of course i didn`t know him then.. my aunt when to see him and still got the ticket.. i remember i talked by phone the day he died and she was crying soo much! she couldn`t stop crying... it was all really sad

I think my mom said the last time he played in my city was either in 1989 or 1993, I can't remember. Either way, I probably wasn't born or was just born. I was born in 1993 so that's when all the junk about him started to really come out. I really wish I was an 80's baby. Ugh..in fact an 80's teenager rather.

 

[sheridan09]

Ok, I really really need to let this out because it's really getting to me and bringing me down even more.

I've been feeling so incredibly guilty for the past few days over become a real genuine fan of Michael's after his death. When I was little, I was terrified of Thriller and I loved Billie Jean and Beat It. That's how I grew up knowing Michael. The moonwalking, zombie guy who sang "Beat it!" (I mean that in a good way) I knew a couple of his songs before his death. Billie Jean was a song that I always really liked since I was little and I really enjoyed hearing it. However, there are songs that I've heard in the past that I didn't realize was Michael until I really started getting into his music. When I first heard them, not realizing it was him, I really loved the songs. The first song I really listened to on my own before Michael's death (about 6 months ago?) was The Way You Make Me Feel. Instantly became a favorite and the first performance I watched of that was the one with Britney Spears. When I started listening to all the songs from each of his albums after his death, A LOT of his songs were so familiar to me. I've obviously heard them all before when I was growing up.

Then since then to June 25, I was starting to I guess "acknowledge" Michael more I guess? I always respected him greatly as an artist, I always knew he was the best but I never really gave the time to learn about him or listen to any of his other music. I started hearing, "I'll Be There" on that one insurance commercial I think it was. I knew the song, loved it. I caught myself singing it. Then the song "Somebody's Watching Me" was in a commercial too. They always played Michael's part and I always sang along when it came on. That's what led to a discussion between my mom and I about Michael. She pulled up youtube videos and showed me all these performances of his and I was so amazed. Unfortunately, I never bothered to look more into him. And I feel so horrible. My mom is so on the rocks with Michael though, that I can't even tell whether she likes him or not. She likes his music but not him? I have no idea. She tried telling me all this strange stuff about him, basically lies, and I was just like "whatever."

I started checking out forums and stuff revolving around him and it wasn't until this year I found out he was accused of child molestation. Not kidding. I had no idea whatsoever about that because I was so young when his trial happened. I read a little bit into him but the child molestation stuff was creeping me out a bit and I just stopped searching him. I didn't believe it at all though, I thought it was garbage. Didn't let it change my perspective of him. It wasn't until recently, about a week or two before his death, he started popping up randomly in my head. I started searching, "Michael Jackson tour" to see if he still performs and all that but I really wish I would have just looked so much more into him when he was alive than I really did.

I can't help but keep thinking that, if Michael never died would I have become such a huge fan and actually gave his music a really good listen? Maybe those events above were leading up to that but I'm just not sure. I know some people will probably say "a fan is a fan" or "better late than never." I just wish it would have been much much sooner. I know there's people my age saying, "I loved him ever since I was little!" I loved his songs but I didn't really know much of him. The day he died though, my heart really sank when I saw the hospital/coma reports. I've been such a wreck ever since. I can't stop thinking about him, I can't sleep and it makes me so upset. And the thing is, I'm not just a fan of his work, he's really inspired me.

I really needed to let that out. I feel so guilty right now.

It was brave of you to share these thoughts and hope everyone's posts are comforting you a little bit - I agree with the sentiment that what really counts is what you feel in your heart, and it's obvious to me that your feelings are genuine. *Hugs*

 

[amygrace]

OMG...I feel you on this completely! And I kind of feel stupid now...I just made a post that is almost exactly like this. I'm glad there are those that understand the feeling. I'm SO regretful for never getting to fully know Michael before he died. The fact that I was so clueless just kills me. Surely, if someone had expressed to me how wonderful that man was...or if I had been more involved in LEARNING about people...I would have become a huge fan earlier on. Hell, my life would probably be very different now! He would have been a huge inspiration for me...just as he is now. Ugh.