By writing my reply to your previous post, I was wondering how you were doing at the news of Michael’s passing, how you have lived these last three years ...
But I didn’t dare ask you questions. Because I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t want to send you back in your grief, even if your deep sorrows had been relieved a little bit over time, even if you had started to build your new life without Michael’s physical existence on the earth, I thought I shouldn’t send you back to the memories that should be still fresh and hard right now...
And I also thought that you would have already expressed your feelings, your thoughts, all your sorrows… on the forum, even if I don’t know because I am new on MJJC.
If someone like me who loved Michael but only to the extent of 'reasonable', that is to say, not in the style of a hardcore fan, I mean, Michael was not necessarily the center of my universe…, even to a fan like that like me, Michael’s death was almost equivalent to the end of my own life…
I was totally annihilated at the news of his death. I didn’t believe it at first. I thought it was a new manufacturing tabloid things.
The morning of June 26, 2009, I saw on the front page of my computer a title of an article : "Le Roi de la Pop est mort " in French. I couldn’t understand what that meant. I interpreted as 'Michael is stripped of his throne and now someone else took the title of King of Pop ??' Then I thought Michael would probably have pushed again his concerts dates or even completely have canceled them, and that made the wicked media say that he was no longer the King of Pop ... Those were my first thoughts on this topic.
After that, I clicked on the title and I began to read the article with increasing anxiety. I was shaking with fear. I was so scared I didn’t even understand a half of what I read. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I tried to believe it was a mistake or a joke. And I was wondering : ‘But what is the purpose of such a farce?’
At that time my daughter came to see me. She was crying and she said : "Michael Jackson is dead. Have you ever known that?? '
At that moment, I felt that all my veins are frozen.
It took me at least two or three days, by reading all the articles edited since 25, so that I realized that it was not a joke but a fact ...
I don’t speak of all my sorrows in summer 2009. My grief was hardly decreased one year later, two years later. If there was something begging to change, it was only after sentencing of Murray ...
June 25, 2012, I was still in grief. But after summer 2012 I began to move towards a more or less perceptible change. I was on another forum. I talked a lot about this topic there.
At one point, I realized that my grief was still there, but something has been changed in its nature. It manifested no longer as before, no longer in a visible and apparent way.
My grief has become something hidden behind a mask. It was still there, but it manifested no more like a volcano in action. Yeah, a volcano is a right word. My grief has become like a volcano at rest. That is to say, from the outside, one cannot know whether or not it is still alive.
Will it explode again someday? I don’t know, because my volcano is not a dead volcano, it is at rest for the moment. I cannot imagine how I would be in some months, especially on June 2013. I don’t want to think of… Anyway, at the moment, especially since I’ve moved to MJJC, I am calm and peaceful, at least in appearance. I can objectify my feelings somehow, this is what I couldn't do yet a month ago or two.
