Re: MJJC Legacy Project: How Does Michael Jackson Inspire You?
Wow, I wish I would've seen this ages ago lol, would've been really cathartic. You know I've never sat down to really spell out what Michael did/does for me and how he so greatly affected my life. I suppose now is as good a time as any lol...
My entire life, I've just been drawn to him. You could call it spiritual magnetism. I was bouncing around to his music before I was even old enough to talk or walk; his music always commands your body to move, and move I did lol, even though I wasn't yet of the capacity to understand why. My earliest memories of television itself are tied to him, the Thriller short film is one of the first, if not THE VERY first memory of television that I have. By that age (I couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 years old) I was becoming conscious of my surroundings; I remember his face, and that red jacket lol, and his grin at the closing of the short film. Even now as an adult, I can remember that single moment so crisply. I hardly new my ABC's, but I knew his voice.
Then came Moonwalker on good ol' vhs lol, my playmate that lived across the street from me had received the tape and came over to my house to watch it. From the opening sequence of that movie, I would literally be changed for the rest of my days. My mouth hung open and my little 4-year-old heart exploded with excitement and wonder. I remember almost crying because all of these new feelings were so disorienting, I didn't really know what to do with myself lol; it would be the first time I'd ever blushed at the sight of a man. I wanted to morph through my tv screen, and for Michael and I to dance and sing our way through this magical fantasy land that he'd weaved. How he moved was the physical personification of what music actually sounded like to me. He moved how the sound of a snare drum would, if the sound were to materialize into a human form. He made his body wail just like an electric guitar wailed. The way he'd sail across the stage completely embodied whatever melody was controlling him. It was odd seeing music, something so close to me yet intangible, spark to life in front of me. I would've never thought it possible. My first lesson in dancing: let go and let the music tell you how your body is supposed to move, courtesy of Michael's tutelage of course. His voice... sensual and angelic all at once. Buttery sweet as caramel at times, then at others furious and unforgiving as broken glass against flesh. He was chaste, then powerful. Sexy then somber. Timid as a child, then as intense as a lover. He was an alchemist, and I was utterly spellbound.
As I grew into adolescence, I was able to "research" him more, so to speak. He came from a musical family, so did I: many nights as a small girl my lullaby was the faint wafting of cigarette smoke and beer as the walls of my room vibrated from my dad's guitar along with his bandmates' instruments screaming through the amps in our garage; sparking my own love affair with music. My dad also wanted me to sing, but I was so terribly shy, I ran from spotlight (I think back on things now, who knows where my voice may have taken me if I'd have grabbed the mic instead of run away from it lol, ahh well). Michael's father was scary-stern, so was mine. He was quiet and thoughtful for a young child, as was I; I've been getting that "old soul" speech my whole life lol. He was desperately lonely as a youngster, I was as well. He was unnervingly sensitive, I was/am too. Now I don't pretend that my life paralleled his AT ALL, he definitely had it immeasurably harder than I ever did, but when he would talk about many aspects of his own short childhood, I could personally relate to many topics straight away. By the time the Dangerous album came out, and as I crept ever closer to my teenage years, I could feel my "idol on a pedestal"-flavored love starting to change into something different. Into attraction, concern, inspiration and support. More like the love of a woman towards a man than a starstruck little girl. Believe me, I wasn't nor am I now, delusional lol. I knew and know full well that he was in all actuality a stranger to me, not to mention technically old enough to have fathered me lolol. But his sorrowful yet hopeful gaze. The endlessness of his sincerity and generosity. The surrender in his laugh. The fire in his craft. The purity of his soul. The determination of his will. His nobility. His playfulness. His passion. The gorgeous trance he let consume him when he and the music merged. Clearly, my heart made the decision with NO REGARD whatsoever for my rationale lol. In reality, he was nothing but a sparkly show on my tv, and pictures in magazines. But in my heart, there was this pull towards him. I loved him, not in a sense that I would chase his car down in a wedding dress or anything crazy like that lol. But I truly loved him, even though all I could do is send those sentiments silently into the ether and hope that they'd find his heart as positive energy. Why my heart loved him? I still don't friggin' know lol. Maybe it's because it felt like his heart understood mine, even without us ever having met. I dunno, it DOESN'T make sense lol, it isn't practical, but I stopped asking "why" a long time ago and just went with it. I'm so glad I did.
In my late teens and into adulthood, be it by God's hand and/or kismet, certain people found their way into my life, friendships where formed, and through one turn of events or another, I was able to meet Michael on quite a few occasions, spoke to him once very briefly over the phone, was able to explore Neverland on a handful of occaisions. When I saw him in Vegas at an appearance he was making some years back, somehow he found his way to me for a hug through an enormous crowd of people, I told him in his ear "this world needs you Michael". He then grabbed my face, kissed my cheek, and gripped my hand before walking away. I don't share these things with you all to show off or brag about my "Michael encounters" or however people may phrase it, but rather to prove a point. I'm essentially a NOBODY lol, from southern California with no established friendships or ties to any major players in the entertainment business. I'm not ugly lol, but I'm not particularly beautiful enough to have "caught his eye" (well at least in MY opinion and assumption lol) or anything like that. I was not his best friend, close friend, good friend, distant friend, babysitter, personal assistant, confidant or associate lol. I was just a fan, blaring his music in my headphones, scrouring fan forums for news, saving every picture of him that I could find, reading MJ fanfictions lol, making friends with other fans, skimming newspaper and magazine articles for mention of his name... I was just some regular old fan like any other in any given corner of the world. Yet, after a whirlwind of adventures, I look up one day to find Michael in my arms. How the hell did that happen lol?!?!? I'm still at a loss lol. But I know that when I told him that the world needed him, he knew I meant it. And anytime I've been in a situation where he was nearby, his hands always found mine and lingered, amid thousands of others. Spiritual magnetism. I'm not saying I'm some kinda "chosen one" or any nonsense like that. Just that, despite all odds and unlikelyhood of his and my paths EVER directly crossing, they still did. He found his way to me.
When Michael left, outside of being unimagineably devestated, I felt as though I let him down. I know that every fan feels a close personal tie to him through their own personal reasons, I also know that we all love him so dearly and miss him daily. Just to be clear, I don't and would never place myself "above" ANYONE. EVER. But when I replay old memories of him in my head, I actually feel a heavy amount of guilt. I feel like, maybe why i've always felt so drawn to him.... like maybe I was charged to tend to his heart, and I failed him. I know that sounds silly and far-fetched lol, I get it. But I always think, could I have found a way to get closer to him if ONLY for sake of showing him real friendship, and candor, and the honesty and heartfelt sincerity that he claimed to rarely find in people; if I could've delivered my unconditional love directly to his hands. But not in a romantic or needy sense, I literally just wanted to take care of him. Could I have helped ease his weariness? On my worst days, his voice was always there in my speakers, soothing my spirit. The least I could do is give him the same comfort and support, the same pure love that he poured over everyone he met everyday. As I said before, I am a nobody lol, and Michael had many genuine people in his life that loved him and cared for him greatly, without a doubt. I'm sure many of you may think the same thing, if not something similar, and I am no different from any of you. But sometimes, this is where my thoughts of him take me; wondering if I could've swayed the Fates. Reality's verdict is "no", but I figure, even if the chance was miniscule, it was a chance nonetheless.
As Sheryll Crow mentioned in the Bad25 Documentary, when Michael would walk into a room, the molecules in the room would rearrange. Even if you weren't in clear view of him, even if you didn't like him lol, when he came near, there was an other-worldly, palpable change in the room's energy. It was more than just fawning over a celebrity; there was something deeper, something more ancient going on with Michael. Sometimes I joke about Michael being an alien, because he didn't give off normal human energy lol. I say that jokingly, but I'm not so sure that he wasn't super-human, or that his mind and spirit weren't operating at a more evolved frequency than the rest of us. His aural pressure was so noticeable, that even those that weren't looking for it, felt it. His very presence was hypnotic. He was belladonna.
He electrifyed and comforted me through his art, inspired me with his imagination and his unmatched generosity charged me with carrying that same message forward. To heal our humanity by simply doing what we were all made for: loving each other. How I hear and interpret music, is by his influence. My core group of friends for the past decade, I met because of Michael. The entertainment business has a new standard of excellence to reach for, solely because of him. Everyday, I happen across his voice, or a picture of his, without actively looking for them. Everyday. When he went away, he gouged a mammoth hole into my heart upon his departure. The wound has since stopped bleeding profusely, but will never heal. But if his anguish here on Earth was so unyielding, my pain for his tranquility... I can pay that price. His spirit was so much larger, and meant for so much more than turmoil and tears. And even though it gives me some solace, knowing that he's finally able to soar just like he always wanted, I will always bear the beautiful ache of such joyful memories, and seeing his influence in everything around me. Everytime I watch a fireworks display, or hear a classical score, or watch an old MGM musical, or see kids on a playground, or look at my best friend's faces, or feel lonely, or anytime I dance, or sing, I can feel him smiling. Looking on, amused and in total bliss.
What is left of my mutilated heart, has Michael's fingerprints all over it. And though it hurts like HELL, I am forever. grateful.
