I am not on any chemicals for comfort since my mother refuses to get antidepressants for me. In the beginning I did rely on sleep. During that first horrible summer without him. I stayed in my MJ shrine bedroom in bed sleeping most of the time. Because all I had wanted to do was just to forget what had happen to him. I even had my laptop in bed with me so I didn't have to get up. But the problem with that was I had the most horrific vivid nightmares about Michael. I was constantly plague by them all through that summer and in to the fall. Which what brought on my insomnia which I am still suffering from now. Thankfully I had forgotten about half of those nightmares. But I still tend to be haunted by the ones I still remember. Especially the 2 that cause me to wake up crying and shaking uncontrollably. They were that bad. Like the one where I was right in the same room with Michael. And I helplessly watch him spend his last minutes on Earth. And there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him.:boohoo: And then I was in another room in that nightmare looking at Michael's 3 children sitting next to each other just really crying. I can also still hear this new song of his that he was working on in that nightmare still playing in my head. And I had never had nightmares that was that bad or vivid before in my entire life. I did also try reading for a while but every single time I pick up one of my V.C. Andrews books to read it. There will be words in those books that reminded me of Michael in some way. Like I love you more and moonwalk. Apparently VC Andrews must of have been an MJ fan or something. So I just stopped my reading and tried video and computer games. And they were working out great for me. And I was finally starting to over come my depression. Until back in late January of this year (I think it was) I heard some news story about Dr. Death and it just put me right back in to my depression again. And I haven't been able to get out of my depression since before then. My Bollywood movies do help me some. But it is not helping me as much as the computer and video games were. Now I just turn to the video and computer games for some kind of comfort. After I either am about to start, have been, or start my crying over Michael again.:sad: Especially since I no longer have Michael now to turn to for comfort. I have also try to pretend that Michael was here for awhile. But cold hard reality set in for me. And force me to realized where he is now.:boohoo: But I still don't like using past tense words about him though. And btw I can see by your user name and signature you are a Harry Potter fan just like I am. I have all of the Harry Potter movies but I have yet to get the books. I can see you like Snape but he some what scares me. Cause I don't like the way he treats Harry. Nor did I like the fact that he had killed Dumbledore. But you your own reasons for liking him. With me my favorite characters are Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Luna. And it does makes sense to what you are saying.
I didn't mean antidepressants. Your mother is right in not letting you take them. That s--t doesn't work. In some cases, they can even cause suicidal thoughts/actions--I would not recommend them. No, I rely on stuff to put me to sleep, because I cannot fall into a natural sleep. I suffer from chronic insomnia. I tried "natural" sleep yesterday and didn't fall asleep until 5 am. So, as you can see, this is highly impractical for someone whose classes start at 10 am. So, I have to induce sleep somehow.
My mother tried to stuff antidepressants down my throat too--and the idiot doctors let her do that, but I set it up as a ruse, to see if "taking" them would influence her outlook towards my behaviour. Indeed, it did. Despite the fact that I have not taken them (of course, she does not know this), she claims to see a big "improvement" in my behaviour after the medications were put in place. The idiot medics claim the same. I haven't changed anything I do, so this is all a giant placebo effect I've managed to cloak over them to prove a point, that one being their complete bias and stupidity.
Your nightmares sound horrible, and it makes sense why you can't seem to sleep. I would not recommend you do what I do to get some sleep--I am a professional driver on a closed course, so to speak. Your doctor (medical physician, not idiot psychiatrist) should approve whatever medications you're set up to take, even if they are over-the-counter sleep aids. Although these are not physically addictive, they can certainly become psychologically addictive (the same way food and other non-drug addictions become addictive), and you build a tolerance in a very short time. That is to say, you could start with a standard dose of 25mg and by week one already double that to 50mg due to the tolerance you build within just a few days. This is part of the reason why they are not recommended as a long-term solution to insomnia (the same goes for prescription ones, though). In three weeks, you could be taking as much as 300mg per night to sleep, and this does your liver no favours, of course.
Yes, I am a huge Harry Potter fan. You should read the books if you have not already--the films provide a very pigeonholed perspective of the events which actually take place in the story, including those concerning Severus Snape. By reading the books, you will discover there was a rhyme and reason to almost everything Severus did, including his demeanour towards Harry Potter. The only thing which really was a bit petty of him was his treatment of Neville Longbottom, but seeing how he was treated during his schoolyears, it is actually rather tame. Still, it is not exactly justified. But, I think Snape's good points far outnumber his flaws: he was in many ways a flawed master--were he a total and complete saint, there would be no way to relate to him at all. However, he is what he is, and his beauty lies in both his virtues and his flaws.
He was an abandoned child, like I was. He loathed his father, like I do. He was ostracized by his "peers", like I have been. These are just a few of the things Sev and I have in common, so I sort of see myself in his character, if that makes any sense. He and Sirius Black are my favourite characters from the series, and that series (along with Michael, WWII History, and high literature like Notre-Dame de Paris), has saved my life.
I still don't talk about Michael in the past tense. He and I exist in some other world, where he is my fairy tale prince--this, of course, goes against every logical and scientific bone in my body, it is thoroughly irrational, it is pure phantasy, it is bliss, and it is among the only ways I stay alive.
...Oh gosh, I don't even know where to start - Every memory from that painful day is just coming back again. I feel so totally devasted because of the fact that Michael's really gone forever - even after the trial, he still won't be here with us again. And I just can't deal with it, I really can't. And now on top of that this picture and the tape...I feel like they will haunt me forever. I can't even listen to a song anymore or just calmly think about him...This picture always comes to my mind 
