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My analytical mind - help needed

Gonetoosoon

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I'm posting here again because I have something new on my mind which is keeping me awake and it's hurting my head. It's to do with Michael but firstly I want to try and link it to someone I used to call a friend. Basically the guy is 29 years old. When I first became his friend I was only 16 or so. He had his problems - and me being the person that I am I let him confide in me and I did my best to help him out. He has anxiety problems and depression. He was a lot less mature than other people his age. At the beginning of the friendship I didn't really think anything of it because of the age gap. But eventually as he became very dependent on me.. i.e he'd ring me every single day and would repetitively text me until I answered or responded - it became very stressful for me. He would give me random amounts of money if we were out together, random presents.. I began to resent him. I didn't feel comfortable at all. I couldn't have a friendship with a person like this. I felt embarrassed and very anxious going out anywhere with him. And I never really had the guts to tell him that until about 6 months ago. I began to become increasingly aware of the fact that he only had friends who were around 15-18 and very few friends with greater ages than that. The resentment continued..

What I'm trying to make of this story is that I've linked it to Michael. Michael obviously had friends younger than he was/is. I don't judge Michael at all for this. Not in the slightest. Michael's love for children and making the world a better place has always been one of my favourite messages of his. I adore Michael in his beautiful kindness, youthfulness and compassion.

Sorry to ramble, but I keep comparing these two people. And I feel a bit hypocritical in a way? Does that make sense? But then I think to myself that every person's different. The friend I described had this very obsessive personality and I really didn't feel comfortable. Michael on the other hand if I could be with him now.. I would feel completely at home with him. I wouldn't feel embarrassed or anxious or any of that with him. I would feel completely relaxed and happy. Even though Michael has always had such beautiful pure friendships with children/teenagers. Am I in the wrong for thinking that I should give my ex-friend another chance? Should I be less judgmental? Am I a hypocrite with double standards? Or should I accept that the friendship I had with him was not healthy - and that I'm right to be a bit concerned that he has far younger friends than himself. It's been clawing its way into my brain for the last 10 hours and I'm sick of it :(

Help me out here guys. I'm sorry for another some would say pathetic outcry but just since Michael's death I've been so analytical of who I am and how I've felt in the past etc.

Please don't be too harsh on me here. I feel quite terrible as it is.

Just need your help.

Lots of love.

GTS
X
 
This is a tough one...though I understand where you are coming from.
You see that Michael was there for children that "needed" him or his help... and in a sense, this friend of yours is like a child, and it seems he needs friendship/help to deal with his problems of depression and maybe other things...but it's hard on you. I think there is a fine line between helping/befriending someone and letting them infultrate your whole life. This friend of yours seemed to not know any limits and was constantly overstepping boundaries. I think you just need to be open with him about your boundaries... what makes you comfortable and what doesn't. Which I'm guessing that's what you did 6 months ago? Or what really happened there...was there a fight and you guys just haven't been friends since? If you told him what was up and he couldn't respect that, then there's nothing wrong with ending the friendship. You aren't being a hypocrite... some things we can handle and some we can't...it comes down to respecting one another. Friendship can't exist without that.

The only thing I think you should take another glance at, is judging him on how old his friends are. I think people in that age rage may just feel more leveled with his mental state, so that's where he's comfortable. There is nothing wrong with that...so long as he is not taking advantage of others.

HUGS!
 
Yeah, that's a tough one, and complicated. But don't forget, Liz Taylor was one of Michael's closest friends. There was Brett Ratner, and Chris Tucker, too. I think that probably the situation is different. Michael constantly had people -- ADULTS -- pulling him in different directions, and it must have been very stressful. He enjoyed friendships with young people because he could relax around them, and he could hope that they weren't faking friendship because of a financial agenda.

In terms of your friend, chronological age doesn't always match emotional maturity. He sounds very immature, whatever the reason. I don't think the same of Michael. In a lot of ways, he was an "old soul."

Hope this helps?
 
I agreed on part of the above from amygrace, you need to let him know openly what your bottom line is in this friendship, obviously, he didn't know what his problem is and if no one gonna tell him, he will never realized his own problem which caused him troubles in building up friendships with others, no matter if they are in a younger or similar age range.....you have to make it clear with what your boundaries are and if he still crossed your limitations and not showing you the respects, i don't think there's any problem to terminate the friendship.

I personally has gone through a similar situation with a friend of mine so I understand what's the feeling like when someone is really that dependent on you....we know each other during grade 7 and we have been good friends since then, our friendship are very normal until she had problems with her ex-boyfriend and they have separated, she turned to me a lot for help and comfort, I have tried my best to help her out, I even went on a vacation with her to Japan cos I knew she need to have a break, but ever since then, she became very dependent on me, she will phone me every day and she will want me to be with her every weekend, she even assume that I need to go on my every vacation with her, up to this point, I started to feel stressful, I feel that there is something wrong but I struggle whether or not to let her know my feelings cos I don't want her to feel bad or depress again especially after terminating a 6 years relationship with her ex boyfriend, but on the other hand, the whole thing has reached my limitations.....after struggling for like a month, I talk to her about the problem, she told me didn't realize she was that dependent on me and she keep on apologizing on the whole thing, luckily, we have this matter solved after a thorough discussion and she is still a very good friend of mine until now.....this is my experience, not sure if this can help you out but I think you really need to let him know his problem so that he can find solutions to deal with it.

**hugs**
just let us know if you need any further help :)
 
amygrace said:
This is a tough one...though I understand where you are coming from.
You see that Michael was there for children that "needed" him or his help... and in a sense, this friend of yours is like a child, and it seems he needs friendship/help to deal with his problems of depression and maybe other things...but it's hard on you. I think there is a fine line between helping/befriending someone and letting them infultrate your whole life. This friend of yours seemed to not know any limits and was constantly overstepping boundaries. I think you just need to be open with him about your boundaries... what makes you comfortable and what doesn't. Which I'm guessing that's what you did 6 months ago? Or what really happened there...was there a fight and you guys just haven't been friends since? If you told him what was up and he couldn't respect that, then there's nothing wrong with ending the friendship. You aren't being a hypocrite... some things we can handle and some we can't...it comes down to respecting one another. Friendship can't exist without that.

The only thing I think you should take another glance at, is judging him on how old his friends are. I think people in that age rage may just feel more leveled with his mental state, so that's where he's comfortable. There is nothing wrong with that...so long as he is not taking advantage of others.

HUGS!
Click to expand...

I told him how I felt in regards to feeling uncomfortable. He was a bit upset but he's just about over it now. I don't particulary want to start up the friendship again - I just want to judge him a little less. I guess I just found it a bit unorthodox with the nature and age of his friendships. And now I feel quite guilty. I just feel like a hypocrite. People are all different though.. Just because Michael appeals to me doesn't mean everyone can..I don't know! I mean if I feel this way towards my ex-friend, why don't I feel this way toward Michael? I don't think I could ever feel resent or feel judgment towards Michael.. Sorry guys, am just going around in my head.

I just want to know if I should feel badly for the way I acted..
 
Don't feel bad for any way you've acted. Guilt is a useless emotion... the past is over and done with. What matters is what you do now. The fact that you are so "worried" about this now, speaks enough. You are a good person...you know that. And you are only doing the best you know how to do.

It's human nature to judge...it's how you act off of it that matters. The fact that you are able to acknowledge when you may be judging someone too harshly is good... because that opens the door to change that and be more accepting. But don't punish yourself for the thought in the first place. Just move forward in a better direction.
 
Michael's case is very different. He had the wisdom of a flippin 100 year old or something!! The man was VERY mature and intelligent. However, he loved children with all this heart and saw the magic in them and wanted to help them and to learn from their simple ways to help heal the world.
 
Gonetoosoon said:
I told him how I felt in regards to feeling uncomfortable. He was a bit upset but he's just about over it now. I don't particulary want to start up the friendship again - I just want to judge him a little less. I guess I just found it a bit unorthodox with the nature and age of his friendships. And now I feel quite guilty. I just feel like a hypocrite. People are all different though.. Just because Michael appeals to me doesn't mean everyone can..I don't know! I mean if I feel this way towards my ex-friend, why don't I feel this way toward Michael? I don't think I could ever feel resent or feel judgment towards Michael.. Sorry guys, am just going around in my head.

I just want to know if I should feel badly for the way I acted..
Click to expand...

Quote: I don't particulary want to start up the friendship again -

I think you answered your own question (s)...that you seek

"One cannot compare Apples To Oranges...Although they both are grouped in the same Food Group...they are simular but very different in taste, size, shape, and in charactor.

:angel:We Are The World...Heal The World...Education IS The Key~~~
 
DanceOfZenab1994 said:
Michael's case is very different. He had the wisdom of a flippin 100 year old or something!! The man was VERY mature and intelligent. However, he loved children with all this heart and saw the magic in them and wanted to help them and to learn from their simple ways to help heal the world.
Click to expand...

I hope I didn't come across thinking that Michael isn't mature! Because I know that he is mature and intelligent :) Thank you for your post!

Sdeidjs said:
Quote: I don't particulary want to start up the friendship again -

I think you answered your own question (s)...that you seek

"One cannot compare Apples To Oranges...Although they both are grouped in the same Food Group...they are simular but very different in taste, size, shape, and in charactor.

:angel:We Are The World...Heal The World...Education IS The Key~~~
Click to expand...

Another great post :) Thank you so much
x
 
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