The feeling of incurable emptiness

TSCM

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It has been months since I've posted on any MJ forum, and I'm afraid it will be a long time before I post again. Truth be told, I'm finding each day harder to understand than the last--time is not healing anything for me. When Michael Jackson was murdered one year ago, life as I had come to know it died with him. Everything seems to lack purpose now, and every day I am reminded more and more of the emptiness and immense loss we've been dealt. Never have I felt such lingering hopelessness and sorrow, nor will I ever again.

One minute I was reading a newly published story about the brilliant costumes they were polishing up for This Is It; I was anticipating what was to become the greatest summer of my life, and literally two minutes later all future memories were shattered forever. Finally, after so many years of enduring hell that nobody else would've survived, Michael was literally just weeks away from coming back in the biggest way imaginable.

The words Michael used during his final interview on his 50th birthday still echo endlessly in my head. "I am still looking forward to doing a lot of great things. I think the best is yet to come in my true humble opinion. (Aug. 2008)" The best was to come, as confirmed by the production of the This Is It concert series and Michael's rehearsals, not to mention all of the related plans being finalized at that point. Michael was within an arm's reach of turning his grandest vision into a reality and showing his children, his fans, and his detractors what the world had been missing for so long. To be robbed of his life by the one person that he put the most trust in is beyond gutwrenching.

In this era of technology, everything lacks purpose to me without Michael's presence--knowing that there will never be newly recorded music from Michael on iTunes, that he will never again be a surprise performer at an award show or talent show, that decades of memories to come can never be realized... Knowing that his voice, his creativity, his one-of-a-kind personality is forever halted... Long gone is the element of surprise and the meaning of "exciting news." Without Michael being here, I'm also finding it impossibly difficult to enjoy many of the other interests I once had, now knowing that the best is really gone. Not considering his celebrity status, over the years I like most everyone here grew the highest respect for Michael as a person; his humbleness, his kindness, his sincerest care for others and the world.

As the months have gone by, depression has overwhelmed me. It brings me a great deal of pain to see how many of Michael's closest contacts jumped at the opportunity to slander his name to the highest paying tabloid as soon as he was gone, same goes for all the phonies who were very publicly against him up until the day he died, whereby they instantly became his best friend to cash in. Sickening. Life will never be the same without Michael and all that he brought to the world as a creative genius, a humanitarian, a father, a friend, a real human being. I am deeply saddened for his children, and feel as though I have lost a very close family member.

I wish I could have been more positive in my reflection here, but that would not have been the truth. I wish everyone the best.
 
I wish I could hug you TSCM.

I've read every word that you've written and I can only say that you have
really voiced what I and perhaps many of us feel. Your 5th paragraph especially.
I still find it so very hard to believe that he's gone.
Hang in there Love. We gotta . And I wish you the very best as well.


Nothing left but

:huggy:
 
I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better... I'm so sorry TSCM. I totally understand where you're coming from. *hugs*
 
In the same boat here. Haven't posted anything in a long time. Not sure I can really have something to say. I barely can read your messages most of the time.
 
I feel the same way. It's been a looong while since I've posted on MJ forums. So I guess its appropriate on this anniversary to let people know I'm still alive by posting lol

But yes, I dont know how I feel anymore. Everything surrounding his death is just...I don't even want to deal with it anymore. All of these "tributes" and this stuff about the doctor and all that...I don't even want to know about it really. Its all pointless to me now. A year has passed and its over. MJ isn't here so its like...I don't even wanna deal with it anymore.

Though things still have purpose for me in the fact that I need to get off my butt and live life to the fullest like he did. Our time is short. Gotta take it and do something meaningful. So I guess thats what I've been busy figuring out ever since his death. MJ did so much while he was here. Time to live his legacy and do the same.
 
awww good to see you all are still around. I missed you :hug:
 
TSCM, let me first say that I have an immense amount of respect for you and what you have done in bringing the facts about Michael on this board. People read what you say because you are thorough as well as thoughtful without the emotive commentary that others of us get all caught up in. Yet I'm very sad for you and your state of mind. Please do consider coming on this forum or where ever else you go as I'm sure that many others can relate to where you are coming from at this point in your life and perhaps you won't feel so alone.

I know there is little to see by way of a positive, but do know that Michael is everywhere now. He was with his children as they played, he was with his mother as she unveiled a new memorial plaque in his honor. He was with his siblings at Forest Lawn and all of the fans who came out there and all around the world to pay their tributes and respects.

He danced with the New York City MTA subway commuters as they turned a rail car into a party train, dancing to his music, making strangers into dance partners. He was in India, in London, in Japan, in Mexico, in Canada -- heck he was even in South Africa at the World Cup Soccer matches. He was everywhere and anywhere all at once.

And he felt the massive love go up. And he smiled.

If there is any comfort to be had, for me it's the great honor and privilege that I have had living during the time that Michael walked this earth and following his career from the very beginning. He and his family was the music of my childhood and growing up and when others moved on to like other acts, I still loved Michael and his brothers' music. When Michael did the Moonwalk, others were amazed and rediscovered him. I was there all along for the ride and it was the greatest ride to be had.
 
I feel the same way. It's been a looong while since I've posted on MJ forums. So I guess its appropriate on this anniversary to let people know I'm still alive by posting lol

But yes, I dont know how I feel anymore. Everything surrounding his death is just...I don't even want to deal with it anymore. All of these "tributes" and this stuff about the doctor and all that...I don't even want to know about it really. Its all pointless to me now. A year has passed and its over. MJ isn't here so its like...I don't even wanna deal with it anymore.

Though things still have purpose for me in the fact that I need to get off my butt and live life to the fullest like he did. Our time is short. Gotta take it and do something meaningful. So I guess thats what I've been busy figuring out ever since his death. MJ did so much while he was here. Time to live his legacy and do the same.


Good hearing from you J5 master. I've been doing the same. Living my life and not sweating the small (and big) stuff anymore.
 
TSCM, you did so much for the fan boards with all your work and posts. I think that everyone can relate to what you have said about missing Michael and what could and should have been. It is hard to explain but it is painful. And yes, watching the back-biting, fakeness, etc. of some concerning Michael is difficult to do.

But, you have to focus on what you saw in Michael. Remember that though all that crap was aimed at him even when he was walking this earth, he faced eached day with the determination to get back to a better and stronger self. That has always been my greatest admiration for him: his ability to withstand and find a place for the hurt without letting it stop him. He kept fighting to get back to where he wanted to be in life despite the adversities. I'm sure there were days that he felt exactly as you are saying you feel now; I can relate to what you said. But, he always fought back to keep what was his and to get what he wanted, even when that fight seemed to be minute by minute or day by day.
 
I feel the same way. It's been a looong while since I've posted on MJ forums. So I guess its appropriate on this anniversary to let people know I'm still alive by posting lol

But yes, I dont know how I feel anymore. Everything surrounding his death is just...I don't even want to deal with it anymore. All of these "tributes" and this stuff about the doctor and all that...I don't even want to know about it really. Its all pointless to me now. A year has passed and its over. MJ isn't here so its like...I don't even wanna deal with it anymore.

Though things still have purpose for me in the fact that I need to get off my butt and live life to the fullest like he did. Our time is short. Gotta take it and do something meaningful. So I guess thats what I've been busy figuring out ever since his death. MJ did so much while he was here. Time to live his legacy and do the same.
sadly, some fans will never hear what you're saying..they're too busy wallowing. it's too 'hard' on them.

when you build your life around someone so much, and that cornerstone is taken away, the entire building will fall apart. Becareful who you build your life apon and WHY.
 
TSCM, your words tell the story of my own heart. I just want you to know that you are not alone. In the long time that I have been away from the forum, I have had to remind myself of that same fact. Life has gone on and I have so much to be joyful for. The subject of Michael Jackson, however, still makes me angry at a majority of the population. So I just limit my exposure. Instead of fueling that anger, I'll remain productive. Then maybe one day, hearing a conversation or seeing a TV production won't hit me in such a sore spot.
 
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When ever I think about you _what you just stated is what I knew in my heart for you
backing off _ :( Nothing makes sense anymore - We have lost an angel of love in our world
and I dont see any replacement .. The world seem to be doing a Nose dive since MJ left
lierally I believe he helped hold the worl together like glue with his Love and was about
to embark on his greatetst mission of all that could truly bring hope to a falling world.


All I can say is I have always loved your posts and how much I depended on you to
seek truth in all matters pertaining to Michael_ your website and your posts always gave
us weapons of truth to defend MJ with and brought us hope for his imminent return to glory.

I feel much like you, but I cant stop wanting to make the world and now the new fans Listen
to reason and truly grasp who Michael was, what he stood for, who he was, what could have
been and what the world has lost with his passing. Some are so nieve and ignorant of history
and his character. Sometimes it seems like a hopeless cause. Sometimes I think is doesnt matter
anymore and then I feel MJ wants us to continue. _ I wish we had more like you here with us.

I wish you all the best. I truly miss you TSMC _I mean that with all my heart. I have gone back to your archives
many many times to reminece and remember the great hope and excitement we all had in our hearts leading up
to his 02 announcment. Many new fans cant even realise all we went through up to that date and how estatic
we all were. only for it to come crashing down upon us and breaking our hearts completly.

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your heart
today- It means a lot _ I dont mean to be selfish but I hope
you can return to us one day soon xoxoxoxo but what ever
you do I wish you love. (I know corny, but thats how I feel)

Love you Qbee
 
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Dear TSCM, thank you for sharing your feelings with us. They really hit me hard because I think you truly speak from everyone's heart here. Life is empty and I think the more time passes by, the more we miss the MJ magic of past years. Time takes away the immense pain a bit, makes you live with the new situation, but at the same time it lets the helplessness and emptiness grow.
 
nice to see a few of the old lions show up in this thread :)

TSCM, i logged on today just to roam...not really reading anybody's threads or thoughts -- cause frankly i could care less about most people's opinion -- but i read yours. and man, you've been such a pillar in the MJ fan internet community, such a star, a captain... i really wish it was the same. that you were the one feeding us info. and media and in your own way, telling us all "it's gonna be OK." i'm so sorry that you have this emptiness

so i guess it's our turn to say, "Matt, it's OK." you were there for us and i PRAY we can return the favor. thanks SO much for all you have done for the internet community. 2003-2005 would've been even more hellacious w/o your videos and truth reporting. you deserve someone to be there for you, and i hope in your life there is someone.

it WILL get better. it will. trust me. you are loved and needed... never forget that.
 
I understand... we understand. You are not alone.

"Empty" means with :heart:Michael
with :heart:Michael means "Empty"


nothing's getting beter for me either.... nothing's changing really. and it is as painful as the first day, even more. the time really stopped for me on june 25 2009. i still feel like it was yesterday and i still can't believe it sometimes.
 
Nice to see some of the oldies in this thread. Thanks for coming here and sharing, TSCM. I understand and sympathize.

Some very nice responses here that I can relate to as well.

Being a fan of MJ used to be a wonderful, positive thing for me. There were so many good reasons to be one. Now, it's sad, painful, maddening and frustrating. That said, I will always be a fan of MJ.

I still follow what happens, because I still care. But I rarely post anymore. I have nothing significant to say.

I find positive things elsewhere in my life. There are still plenty of them, and I hope you are able to find them, TSCM. Perhaps just having the courage to speak about it is positive in itself. Best of luck.

There are still people who actually care about him, without an agenda.
 
sadly, some fans will never hear what you're saying..they're too busy wallowing. it's too 'hard' on them.

when you build your life around someone so much, and that cornerstone is taken away, the entire building will fall apart. Becareful who you build your life apon and WHY.

Omg how dare we find it hard to cope and move on? :rolleyes2:
 
So glad to see some old faces in this thread, and thank god you're all okay!

*big hugs all round* I don't even need to say anything else.. Some of the responses here are great :)
 
TSCM, I know how you feel. I am sitting here with the same feeling today. It's an empty feeling way down in the gut. Please know that you are not alone and even though it might be difficult to see it now, know that this feeling of hopelessness, one day shall pass. And Michael's true spirit will continue to shine in each and everyone of us.
Love you all!

Hi Buck! Miss you girl :)
 
Miss u too, LG!

I miss the good ol' days :)

But at least we have memories. Be well, friend.
 
Dear TSCM,
I really understand where you're coming from. Quite often this feeling of emptiness overwhelms me. Somehow I knew the TII concerts would not happen and I had a very bad feeling that something terrible was around the corner.
But what really happened is that we, Michael's fans, are on a mission here. Michael put us on it, he knows it's going to be very hard but he wants us to be strong and carry it out for him. That's what kept me going..and I promised myself and him that I'd never back off, no matter how hard it is. Strange how I started being strong and positive, who?me who was always a very low profile person--never in the forefront, always in the back.
Love and hugs to you sweetie. The fact alone that you talk about your feelings is healing. Please keep talking, get it out there and release whatever is haunting you. It will take time but the day will come when you realize you are moving on with a life filled with purpose. These are Michael's darkest hours, and who does he rely on? His beloved fans.
 
TSCM.. you've described exactly what Ive been feeling every day since last year.. I still cant wrap my head around it, im just trying to block it, it is still very painful that it ended like this..

I also want to thank you for the work you have done for the fans, explaining and describing different court-cases, updates and what not.. I enjoyed your site, mjjr, very much, heck I even became a member there before I became one here hehe
 
TSCM, everything that you said hits home for me. Knowing the degree of dedication you've put into the things you've done throughout the past years, I can only surmise where you must be emotionally.

Personally, my psyche keeps attempting to put a wall up with Michael's passing to block the feelings of unexplainable loss after being there from the very beginning of the Jacksons and Michael. When I think about it all too much, the empty spot hits home more than I can take hold of and work around. Michael was so much more than the man performing on stage and in videos-

And now, trying to understand and be forgiving of those that have been around him, knew him, and supposedly loved him, that continue to muddy the waters of his legacy by actions so unlike what anything he would do or contemplate. Michael influenced so many with his visions, yet sadly didn't seem to be able to get his visions through/understood to many that were closest to him, or we would not be seeing what we have seen since his passing.

TCSM, know that what you have dedicated yourself to throughout the years, and what you are feeling now, many of us can truly feel empathy WITH and FOR you.

Strength to you-
 
TSCM I am sending you big :hug:s your post had made me start crying again. After all these horrible months I am still crying over how much I still miss my beloved Michael. His lost still really hits me as hard as it did when I first heard the horrible news. And I always will feel his lost. But for the past couple days I am trying very hard not to miss and cry over him much. And it all has to do with my last 2 MJ dreams that I had that I still can't seem to get out of my head.
 
It has been months since I've posted on any MJ forum, and I'm afraid it will be a long time before I post again. Truth be told, I'm finding each day harder to understand than the last--time is not healing anything for me. When Michael Jackson was murdered one year ago, life as I had come to know it died with him. Everything seems to lack purpose now, and every day I am reminded more and more of the emptiness and immense loss we've been dealt. Never have I felt such lingering hopelessness and sorrow, nor will I ever again.

One minute I was reading a newly published story about the brilliant costumes they were polishing up for This Is It; I was anticipating what was to become the greatest summer of my life, and literally two minutes later all future memories were shattered forever. Finally, after so many years of enduring hell that nobody else would've survived, Michael was literally just weeks away from coming back in the biggest way imaginable.

The words Michael used during his final interview on his 50th birthday still echo endlessly in my head. "I am still looking forward to doing a lot of great things. I think the best is yet to come in my true humble opinion. (Aug. 2008)" The best was to come, as confirmed by the production of the This Is It concert series and Michael's rehearsals, not to mention all of the related plans being finalized at that point. Michael was within an arm's reach of turning his grandest vision into a reality and showing his children, his fans, and his detractors what the world had been missing for so long. To be robbed of his life by the one person that he put the most trust in is beyond gutwrenching.

In this era of technology, everything lacks purpose to me without Michael's presence--knowing that there will never be newly recorded music from Michael on iTunes, that he will never again be a surprise performer at an award show or talent show, that decades of memories to come can never be realized... Knowing that his voice, his creativity, his one-of-a-kind personality is forever halted... Long gone is the element of surprise and the meaning of "exciting news." Without Michael being here, I'm also finding it impossibly difficult to enjoy many of the other interests I once had, now knowing that the best is really gone. Not considering his celebrity status, over the years I like most everyone here grew the highest respect for Michael as a person; his humbleness, his kindness, his sincerest care for others and the world.

As the months have gone by, depression has overwhelmed me. It brings me a great deal of pain to see how many of Michael's closest contacts jumped at the opportunity to slander his name to the highest paying tabloid as soon as he was gone, same goes for all the phonies who were very publicly against him up until the day he died, whereby they instantly became his best friend to cash in. Sickening. Life will never be the same without Michael and all that he brought to the world as a creative genius, a humanitarian, a father, a friend, a real human being. I am deeply saddened for his children, and feel as though I have lost a very close family member.

I wish I could have been more positive in my reflection here, but that would not have been the truth. I wish everyone the best.

I totally feel you. I feel the same way. There's a black hole in my heart and I hate to confine Michael to history. I want him here but its over.
 
TSCM- I feel a great deal of sympathy for how you feel. I totally understand how you feel. For some coming here is a help, to others like yourself it is maybe opening up wounds that are still fresh, and prolonging the grieving process. Hugs to you whatever you decide.
What we all went through on June, 25th 2009 was a tragedy and we all have ways of dealing with it. xxx
 
This thread just set me off :(

I don't know how you 'Oldies' must feel, considering you were part of this community long before the post June 25th members came here. I hope you guys will eventually come here again one day again...
 
TSCM, I like many others certainly feel we could have written that post ourselves. The part where you mentioned the best is gone and how can you feel excited about other things? I totally sympathise with that. Its so hard to recover from this. The years we put into this, the amount of work, the hours of dedication...what can we do?

But I will say one thing. It wasn't JUST Michael Jackson that made being a fan such an amazing experience. It was the fans themselves too. So much of our memories are tied up with each other. For example, when Michael brought back the curls...is it the curls themselves you remember vividly or is it the massive threads made by the fans with all the amazing comments? When Michael dressed up in crazy outfits, is it not the equally crazy comments from the fans that stick in your mind? During the trial, is it not the hours of dedication we put into it on boards together, ranting and raving, fighting for justice, watching the news reports and pundits, sending Michael flowers and messages together? Is it not the daily court threads with various members playing certain roles?

What I'm trying to say is, us all being together made Michael's magic come to life. We were in it together, the bad times and the good. How can any of us heal alone? How can cutting yourself off from people and the boards that you made home help? Isn't it like losing Michael twice? We're all a part of him, his legacy. The proof is in your name. "TSCM". When a person reads that name, it wouldn't mean a thing. When WE read it, it's a part of MJ history. You're like a family member.

It might sound corny, but it's true. Sure, there are a few troublemakers, but who cares about them. Everyone of us contributed to MJ history. His works, his goals, his ideals are inside of us too. Personally, I never in a million years would have thought I would grow to love perfect online strangers and have them feel like my second family, before becoming a fan. And I do love you guys.

He's not here anymore, but we are. We need to stick together and be here for each other. Who else can we talk to about this?
 
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