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Total relapse..what do you do when it all comes back?

Naytobes

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Ever since the TII release has come closer, I feel as though all the hard work I've put into dealing with everything, overcoming this greif and everything else, has all been useless.

Some days I feel as though I'm back at square one. A few weeks ago, I really thought I was fine. I thought I had dealt with it, and yet again I've disappointed myself.

I really wish I could embrace this movie like everyone else on here. I wish I could be excited about seeing Michael's work. I wish I could look at TII and not become upset.

I wish hearing Michael's voice didnt make me want to cry.

I wish this wasn't it.
 
I, too, am back at square one. Perhaps if you look at the thread I have posted in here you can see where I'm at, but it is virtually the same as you. I really do not seem to have gotten anywhere. I saw This Is It and it brought everything back. Its so hard to watch our beautiful man and hear his incredible voice.

This shouldn't be it. :(
 
I agree. Thankfully I haven't seen This Is It nor have I heard the song yet. Cause emotionally I can't really handle it. I am on the verge of crying now just thinking about This Is It. I will just wait for the dvd to come out. And then maybe I will see it. But I really just don't know. Hearing and seeing all this news coverage of it. Then seeing parts of This Is It on tv. Is enough to make me go back how I was when I first the horrible news. It is going to be a long time before maybe I can actually see it. I am spending another sleepless night up. Cause ever since I had that MJ dream the other night. I have been back in to my deep state of depression and sadness. That dream was about me being right there with Michael watching him rehearsed for This Is It. I have been an emotional wreck ever since that dream.
 
Yeah, I am an emotional wreck too. Especially seeing This Is It really brought it all back, that depression you speak of. The wound, the deep wound I feel, the part of me that has gone away never to return.

The sleepless nights are not alien to me, I know them well. How can I sleep, I desperately wish I could. Just like our man wanted to :(
 
Yazman said:
Yeah, I am an emotional wreck too. Especially seeing This Is It really brought it all back, that depression you speak of. The wound, the deep wound I feel, the part of me that has gone away never to return.

The sleepless nights are not alien to me, I know them well. How can I sleep, I desperately wish I could. Just like our man wanted to :(
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A huge part of me died the day that Michael had died. I am never going to get that part of myself back. I also have that deep wound. I can't ever go back to the way I used to be. Because I have really forgotten of how I used to be before Michael died. I simply don't even recognized myself any more.
 
MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
A huge part of me died the day that Michael had died. I am never going to get that part of myself back. I also have that deep wound. I can't ever go back to the way I used to be. Because I have really forgotten of how I used to be before Michael died. I simply don't even recognized myself any more.
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Me too I feel like I lost a big part of my identity... Like I am just a walking zombie. Michael is so much a part of me and I just want things to be the way they used to be :cry:
 
Yeah, part of who we are has truly gone away. I don't know that it will ever come back. It feels difficult to go on without him around anymore.

You put it well, MJstarlight. Like walking zombies.
 
i dont know what to do. i couldnt say that i was fine. i was ok from time to time. ok means i didnt cry every day. but since i saw TTI and heard the song - i feel agony and pain. i dont know how im going to deal with it.

TTI made me smile and made me kinda "happy" for this time when he was there. i still think that every fan should see the movie. should see efforts he was putting into the show and his creative genius. God if we only could protect him... he is an amazing gift from heaven and he was trying to help people to discover this light in themselves too. why i am so blessed that i lived at the same time with him and experienced his magic? so blessed...
 
Naytobes said:
Ever since the TII release has come closer, I feel as though all the hard work I've put into dealing with everything, overcoming this greif and everything else, has all been useless.

Some days I feel as though I'm back at square one. A few weeks ago, I really thought I was fine. I thought I had dealt with it, and yet again I've disappointed myself.

I really wish I could embrace this movie like everyone else on here. I wish I could be excited about seeing Michael's work. I wish I could look at TII and not become upset.

I wish hearing Michael's voice didnt make me want to cry.

I wish this wasn't it.
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My good days now outweigh the bad ones as long as I don't think too much and continue focusing my energy on other things. And I completely agree with you on this, most definitely the highlighted part. I also feel for myself it will be like a finality and maybe that's why I'm not excited like others are to see it. We just shouldn't even be at this place having to talk about this. And still so many unanswered questions remain.....I don't feel like "celebrating" or getting excited about what could have been.....


Take care everyone :flowers:
 
Why can't time go backwards when I had still something to live for? Why can't time go backwards so we weren't suffering so much? Why can't Michael be with us? Why did go?
I'm crying so much now. I don't even now what I'm writing. I just want to disappear.
 
I havent seent he movie yet. I had 2 chances to go to the premier and one to go to the MJJC screening and i made excuses for both. Im making myself see it with friends on monday, where i will have to wear a brave face, and then again with Motsey in the week when i will probably want to die.

When it gets bad for me I just stay away from here... not ideal as i know there is a support network here, but i just cant be around anything to do with michael. The funeral was the worse for me... and these days ill be walking down the street and hear michael laugh and my heart skips a beat... until i realise its not him and I break down. Sometimes when the phone rings i still hope its him...
 
I've been trying to stay away from here too danniilee, I've only really been coming to this part over the past few days. I guess I just need to get it out. I don't want to ruin everyone's excitment for TII, because at the same time, while it hurts me, I really am happy that everyone is so excited about it.

I really don't think I can do it. I want to but I just can't.

I sort of hate myself for the way I am feeling about this movie....gosh, if Elizabeth can handle seeing it - why can't I!

It hurts to much - everytime the trailer comes on and I hear Michael say it's all for love, it hurts.

Maybe it's a form of denial, I feel if I don't see it, then it's not it :cry: Theres still more to come :cry: I know that's silly, but I can't help but feel that way.

I was so down yesterday, that I watched History in Helsinki, and pretty much cried the whole way through it. He's so beautiful, I am so sad for him :(
 
Naytobes said:
I've been trying to stay away from here too danniilee, I've only really been coming to this part over the past few days. I guess I just need to get it out. I don't want to ruin everyone's excitment for TII, because at the same time, while it hurts me, I really am happy that everyone is so excited about it.

I really don't think I can do it. I want to but I just can't.

I sort of hate myself for the way I am feeling about this movie....gosh, if Elizabeth can handle seeing it - why can't I!

It hurts to much - everytime the trailer comes on and I hear Michael say it's all for love, it hurts.

Maybe it's a form of denial, I feel if I don't see it, then it's not it :cry: Theres still more to come :cry: I know that's silly, but I can't help but feel that way.

I was so down yesterday, that I watched History in Helsinki, and pretty much cried the whole way through it. He's so beautiful, I am so sad for him :(
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I feel kind of the same as you do. It was just tonight as I was watching Survivor they had shown the trailer for This Is It. The second I saw it. I immediantly had to change the channel. Because for the past 2 days I have been a real emotional wreck because of This Is It coming out. I am really crying now just even thinking about that movie. I am not ready to see it or hear the song. And I really do want to hear the This Is It. But emotionally I just can't. Even when I do get it on dvd I still won't be ready to see it. I don't know if I will ever be ready to that. And I remember about a week or so ago I tried to watch the Billie Jean performance from my Sweden HIStory Concert. That usually makes me happy when I see Michael performing Billie Jean. But all I could really do is just cried through out that performance. Cause I just started to think how amazing the Billie Jean performance from This Is It would have been. Right now the only MJ thing I can really some what see now is the Oprah Interview. I am watching it now cause I just need to see it. And just remember how happy I was when I first saw it over 16 years ago when I was 13. And I just so wish I could go back to that happy time.Especially since that interview cause me to love Michael more than I ever did before back then.
 
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Man I feels sooo sad today, after holding in all my tears from yesterday at the movies. I guess I didn't realize how much I loved Michael!
 
I feel like I am back in June again.. I am extremely confused, scared, and sad. I have been sleeping in very late too.. I just dont know what I should do anymore :cry: Sometimes its like a fish being out of water.. hard to breathe :( Miss Michael so much..
 
Ppl you need to distract yourself from thinking too much about Michael and also yourselfs.

Put that pressure off... don't push yourself into this or that.

Things are the way they are.



We have all lost someone we've loved dearly.

Still crying? well why on earth not. nothing wrong with crying and we're missing someone!!! heck that simply hurts and at times it does produce tears!!!
We are the way we are and we do feel the way we do feel.
You guys need to come to terms with yourselfs and accept yourselfs the way you are and feel.

Then again the world is not turning around one of us... nope it does not.
The world is suffering so many problems... find something to do... find something to heal. Go!!!!! Go out there and find a way to heal this world... at least for a tiny little bit.

Am I saying that cuz I think you're lazy? NOPE! I'm saying this cuz I know it will help you guys.

You all have so wonderful beautiful hearts so shining souls... I'm always touched when I read everybodies posts in the support forums.
Gosh you guys are so so so made for healing this world. Take what Michael has given and bring it out in this world.
It's maybe not easy to find your ways... I'm not saying that... but go now and try to find it... please believe me, you're made for bringing Michaels message out there.
That's the mission... and if crying is a part of that, then for heavens sake cry... but then go again and help this world to become more maybe only a little bit... maybe only a tiny bit more what Michael Jackson wanted it to become always.
You guys have understood obviously... and that's why you guys are needed out there!

Why does it all come back? It is meant to come back... one day you'll understand... it is meant to come back to show you how lucky you were... you got this, you all are blessed! ;) that's why it does come back and hopefully always will.
It is meant to give you strength and in time it will... but now go out there and tell and heal the world... you'll then very soon see how blessed we all are cuz Michael will always be a part of our lives! So many others who'll never have this chance... never find this love, this strength, this comfort Michaels life was meant to give to us.
 
MJstarlight I know how you feel. I feel the exact same way. Ever since This Is It came out I have been a real emotional wreck. And because of it I have made myself really sick. So I am definitely going to go back to bed a little later. And another thing I am also back to not eating again. For the past few days I have not been able to eat much of anything. I just been way too emotional over Michael to really eat anything. Eating is like the last thing in the world that I want to do.
 
Mechi said:
Ppl you need to distract yourself from thinking too much about Michael and also yourselfs.

Put that pressure off... don't push yourself into this or that.

Things are the way they are.



We have all lost someone we've loved dearly.

Still crying? well why on earth not. nothing wrong with crying and we're missing someone!!! heck that simply hurts and at times it does produce tears!!!
We are the way we are and we do feel the way we do feel.
You guys need to come to terms with yourselfs and accept yourselfs the way you are and feel.

Then again the world is not turning around one of us... nope it does not.
The world is suffering so many problems... find something to do... find something to heal. Go!!!!! Go out there and find a way to heal this world... at least for a tiny little bit.

Am I saying that cuz I think you're lazy? NOPE! I'm saying this cuz I know it will help you guys.

You all have so wonderful beautiful hearts so shining souls... I'm always touched when I read everybodies posts in the support forums.
Gosh you guys are so so so made for healing this world. Take what Michael has given and bring it out in this world.
It's maybe not easy to find your ways... I'm not saying that... but go now and try to find it... please believe me, you're made for bringing Michaels message out there.
That's the mission... and if crying is a part of that, then for heavens sake cry... but then go again and help this world to become more maybe only a little bit... maybe only a tiny bit more what Michael Jackson wanted it to become always.
You guys have understood obviously... and that's why you guys are needed out there!

Why does it all come back? It is meant to come back... one day you'll understand... it is meant to come back to show you how lucky you were... you got this, you all are blessed! ;) that's why it does come back and hopefully always will.
It is meant to give you strength and in time it will... but now go out there and tell and heal the world... you'll then very soon see how blessed we all are cuz Michael will always be a part of our lives! So many others who'll never have this chance... never find this love, this strength, this comfort Michaels life was meant to give to us.
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Oh god, I am crying so much right now after reading your post. Thank you so much - you always write such lovely things.

Thank you for understanding :hug: I know it will get better...it did for me a while ago...but I am accepting that's its all come back, because I know in time it will heal again. When it's ready, when I am ready.

I know that Michael doesn't want us to feel bad for how we are feeling, but I know he understands too. He'll help us through, he will help us help ourselves.
 
Mechi said:
Ppl you need to distract yourself from thinking too much about Michael and also yourselfs.

Put that pressure off... don't push yourself into this or that.

Things are the way they are.



We have all lost someone we've loved dearly.

Still crying? well why on earth not. nothing wrong with crying and we're missing someone!!! heck that simply hurts and at times it does produce tears!!!
We are the way we are and we do feel the way we do feel.
You guys need to come to terms with yourselfs and accept yourselfs the way you are and feel.

Then again the world is not turning around one of us... nope it does not.
The world is suffering so many problems... find something to do... find something to heal. Go!!!!! Go out there and find a way to heal this world... at least for a tiny little bit.

Am I saying that cuz I think you're lazy? NOPE! I'm saying this cuz I know it will help you guys.

You all have so wonderful beautiful hearts so shining souls... I'm always touched when I read everybodies posts in the support forums.
Gosh you guys are so so so made for healing this world. Take what Michael has given and bring it out in this world.
It's maybe not easy to find your ways... I'm not saying that... but go now and try to find it... please believe me, you're made for bringing Michaels message out there.
That's the mission... and if crying is a part of that, then for heavens sake cry... but then go again and help this world to become more maybe only a little bit... maybe only a tiny bit more what Michael Jackson wanted it to become always.
You guys have understood obviously... and that's why you guys are needed out there!

Why does it all come back? It is meant to come back... one day you'll understand... it is meant to come back to show you how lucky you were... you got this, you all are blessed! ;) that's why it does come back and hopefully always will.
It is meant to give you strength and in time it will... but now go out there and tell and heal the world... you'll then very soon see how blessed we all are cuz Michael will always be a part of our lives! So many others who'll never have this chance... never find this love, this strength, this comfort Michaels life was meant to give to us.
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Oh, what a beautiful post! You write so beautifully and touching. It really got to me, and touched my heart. How wonderful you are...thank you, thank you, thank you :) It's so nice to read posts like that, it made me feel better..and encouraging! motivational post :heart:
 
Mechi said:
Ppl you need to distract yourself from thinking too much about Michael and also yourselfs.

Put that pressure off... don't push yourself into this or that.

Things are the way they are.



We have all lost someone we've loved dearly.

Still crying? well why on earth not. nothing wrong with crying and we're missing someone!!! heck that simply hurts and at times it does produce tears!!!
We are the way we are and we do feel the way we do feel.
You guys need to come to terms with yourselfs and accept yourselfs the way you are and feel.

Then again the world is not turning around one of us... nope it does not.
The world is suffering so many problems... find something to do... find something to heal. Go!!!!! Go out there and find a way to heal this world... at least for a tiny little bit.

Am I saying that cuz I think you're lazy? NOPE! I'm saying this cuz I know it will help you guys.

You all have so wonderful beautiful hearts so shining souls... I'm always touched when I read everybodies posts in the support forums.
Gosh you guys are so so so made for healing this world. Take what Michael has given and bring it out in this world.
It's maybe not easy to find your ways... I'm not saying that... but go now and try to find it... please believe me, you're made for bringing Michaels message out there.
That's the mission... and if crying is a part of that, then for heavens sake cry... but then go again and help this world to become more maybe only a little bit... maybe only a tiny bit more what Michael Jackson wanted it to become always.
You guys have understood obviously... and that's why you guys are needed out there!

Why does it all come back? It is meant to come back... one day you'll understand... it is meant to come back to show you how lucky you were... you got this, you all are blessed! ;) that's why it does come back and hopefully always will.
It is meant to give you strength and in time it will... but now go out there and tell and heal the world... you'll then very soon see how blessed we all are cuz Michael will always be a part of our lives! So many others who'll never have this chance... never find this love, this strength, this comfort Michaels life was meant to give to us.
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............Thank YOU so much for all your'e wonderful posts:yes::wub::better:
 
Mechi, thanks for your post. I appreciate your wisdom. It may help to also post that in the "how are you coping?" thread since many people use that? I agree that I've needed to distract myself in order to be healthier and to function, since I've found it easy to fall into that spiral where I become so involved with analyzing my emotions that I don't go out and live life. I really appreciate your post.
 
Mechi I gave you rep for your post :hug:

I understand that you have to keep yourself busy with things otherwise you just kind of fall apart. Im trying to do more positive things like donating to charities. And of course school and work keeps me very busy. Some days I need my Michael days too though.
 
I saw the movie last night and the only part that made me cry hard was the ending when the theme song ''this is it'' was playing, thanks to that Im always going to associate that beautiful song with his life ending and its sadder than the sad because the movie made me feel like that was it, theres nothing more to it. Ive had several meltdowns all day, been crying and hyperventilating to my surprise.. I thought I was okay, I havent really cried or felt sad over Michaels since the memorial service and Ive went on fine with my life.. But when moments like these come it brings all the pain back into our lives and it reminds of what used to be and what Michaels life was, its so saddening. I feel your pain, all of your pain.
 
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