Continuation from part 2 of this super long essay lol....
GOTTA MAKE A CHANGE
So during those two weeks of playing the album on repeat every second of the day (lol), I quit my job, without a problem. Again, the decision wasn't really related at all to MJ - there were a lot of issues going on and I needed to leave, but in hindsight I think its a funny coincidence that I decided to do so while I truly rediscovered MJ's music. And as recently as some weeks ago (I think it was after seeing the hologram thing on the billboard awards), while I was listening to the album - I cried. Like really cried, because I allowed myself to really FEEL the fact that I missed him. I missed the fantasy world. I missed his Neverland. I missed what he stood for.
The Xscape album led me to finding my MJ collection and playing that non-stop. I told myself "this just me getting back into digging his music." But then I got sucked into YouTube, getting super nostalgic about all of the videos I used to love and watch over and over back in the day. I cried watching them too - because some of those videos were really eerie. Like the end of Moonwalker - had me crying like a baby (an ending I always thought was the corniest thing ever). The end of Will You Be There performances - just all of that, from his speech at the end to the angel. Cried like a baby then. This is It - I watched it again since it first came out. Sobbing. And I realized that...I'm finally allowing myself to mourn. Because no - MJ wasn't just some fantasy. He wasn't just some celebrity to me. I cared about and for Michael deeply, even if I didn't know him personally. As silly as it may sound to anyone else, it was the truth.
So I came to terms with that small fact first. From there I started having fun with some of the happy and amazing videos out there of MJ, stuff that brought back a ton of memories - and for a bit there, I admit, I did get caught up in the whole death hoax thing just due to the fact that I finally brought myself to catch up on all of the stuff going on surrounding his death. For me, to this day, there's a lot of stuff that just doesn't add up. So I entertained the thought for a while until I got knocked back to my senses in realizing that it would be literally impossible lol. And even if he did do something that drastic, he wouldn't be coming back to the public - ever. But I think that was just my way of speed demoning through the grieving process after not having one for like 5 years.
END OF ANOTHER ERA
Yesterday I think the grieving ended though when two things happened. Well, three things. The first? Watching Will You Be There at the MTV 10 thing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXTn3tq48E8) again. Now, that performance was so powerful and so relevant, and just.....it says so many things to me now that it didn't before. Things I can't even put into words. The spirituality of it - spirituality that impacted me the first time I saw it, and it impacted me again now. And in once performance he just said so much - "God is here. He is with me and He is with you. He carried me through life and I am with him in death. Nothing I did or said in life was in vain. Listen to the music. Listen to how it touches your soul just like it did when I was alive. That is power. That is living. That is forever. That is what matters."
To say that change is impossible, to say that what MJ did in life was for nothing just because of what happened to him...I realized was a fantasy in and of itself. Because if I truly believe in God, if I truly believe that MJ is somewhere in a better place, then that should be enough. That should be proof enough that it IS worth it NOT to be normal. It IS worth it, to go forth and LIVE, truly live. And DREAM, truly dream - because even if the ending might be rough, its not really the end. If I truly believe that there "must be more to life than this," then i need to really believe it. I look at his kids now and see such hope and promise and living proof that what MJ did in his life was not in vain, not by a long shot. The world can go on in its destruction, can go on finding pleasure in bringing good people down, but in the end - I believe in the value of goodness. I believe that in my small lifetime that I'd rather try to do some good like MJ did, and add value - even if its just a little, than do nothing and contribute by default to our destructive society.
The second thing that happened was watching a performance of Heal The World. It didn't really have much of an impact until I realized the song got stuck in my head after I watched it. And I was singing it, and really listened to the lyrics again - the hope in it. "Stop existing and start living" and "We can be God's glow."
And the third thing was when Best of Joy came on shuffle. And once again I got that feeling I used to get when listening to MJ's music - getting transported into his world, as if he's singing right into my soul. Obviously the lyrics are really powerful given his passing (and I understand its definitely for his kids), but for some reason it was even more powerful - because I realized even though he's not with us on earth, love that we have as fans for him ....is a "sacred thing." He really WAS the one who was "there" through his music, when my "walls came tumbling down."
Wasn't it him that gave me hope? Wasn't it him that inspired me? Wasn't it him that 'you are free' - free to be myself despite what society said? I didn't need to KNOW him to KNOW him. He didn't need to be in the same room with me to speak to me on a personal level. And in that way, MJ really is FOREVER. And not just in the way that we always say it when we talk about his legacy. But he is really FOREVER. As long as I live, he will be in my heart and in my spirit - and he is somewhere in the heavens, singing and laughing and dancing the dream. Now I'm back into the fold, back being myself, back in the 'fantasy' world that MJ showed me can really exist.
There is a quote from one of my fav shows called "Angel" (don't laugh) that I used to always hold close, and now I'm embodying it again: "We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be." Thats what Michael did. That is what God tells us to do. And although MJ didn't get to have a particularly 'happy' ending (depending on what you believed happened), the rest of his life and what he stood for was an example of that quote carried out in a life time. MJ said once that as long as you enter the world knowing you're loved and leave the world knowing the same, everything in between can be dealt with. I believe that was true for him, and so now I believe that he did have a happy ending in a way. That makes coping much easier.
So no more tears - I'm back in the game, MJ mania has not ended for me and will never end. And if you happened to have read this entire thing I hope that MJ fans still mourning and still sad about his passing find some kind of comfort in the same things i did. He is forever.
And if you did read all of this - WOW, thank you! lol
GOTTA MAKE A CHANGE
So during those two weeks of playing the album on repeat every second of the day (lol), I quit my job, without a problem. Again, the decision wasn't really related at all to MJ - there were a lot of issues going on and I needed to leave, but in hindsight I think its a funny coincidence that I decided to do so while I truly rediscovered MJ's music. And as recently as some weeks ago (I think it was after seeing the hologram thing on the billboard awards), while I was listening to the album - I cried. Like really cried, because I allowed myself to really FEEL the fact that I missed him. I missed the fantasy world. I missed his Neverland. I missed what he stood for.
The Xscape album led me to finding my MJ collection and playing that non-stop. I told myself "this just me getting back into digging his music." But then I got sucked into YouTube, getting super nostalgic about all of the videos I used to love and watch over and over back in the day. I cried watching them too - because some of those videos were really eerie. Like the end of Moonwalker - had me crying like a baby (an ending I always thought was the corniest thing ever). The end of Will You Be There performances - just all of that, from his speech at the end to the angel. Cried like a baby then. This is It - I watched it again since it first came out. Sobbing. And I realized that...I'm finally allowing myself to mourn. Because no - MJ wasn't just some fantasy. He wasn't just some celebrity to me. I cared about and for Michael deeply, even if I didn't know him personally. As silly as it may sound to anyone else, it was the truth.
So I came to terms with that small fact first. From there I started having fun with some of the happy and amazing videos out there of MJ, stuff that brought back a ton of memories - and for a bit there, I admit, I did get caught up in the whole death hoax thing just due to the fact that I finally brought myself to catch up on all of the stuff going on surrounding his death. For me, to this day, there's a lot of stuff that just doesn't add up. So I entertained the thought for a while until I got knocked back to my senses in realizing that it would be literally impossible lol. And even if he did do something that drastic, he wouldn't be coming back to the public - ever. But I think that was just my way of speed demoning through the grieving process after not having one for like 5 years.
END OF ANOTHER ERA
Yesterday I think the grieving ended though when two things happened. Well, three things. The first? Watching Will You Be There at the MTV 10 thing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXTn3tq48E8) again. Now, that performance was so powerful and so relevant, and just.....it says so many things to me now that it didn't before. Things I can't even put into words. The spirituality of it - spirituality that impacted me the first time I saw it, and it impacted me again now. And in once performance he just said so much - "God is here. He is with me and He is with you. He carried me through life and I am with him in death. Nothing I did or said in life was in vain. Listen to the music. Listen to how it touches your soul just like it did when I was alive. That is power. That is living. That is forever. That is what matters."
To say that change is impossible, to say that what MJ did in life was for nothing just because of what happened to him...I realized was a fantasy in and of itself. Because if I truly believe in God, if I truly believe that MJ is somewhere in a better place, then that should be enough. That should be proof enough that it IS worth it NOT to be normal. It IS worth it, to go forth and LIVE, truly live. And DREAM, truly dream - because even if the ending might be rough, its not really the end. If I truly believe that there "must be more to life than this," then i need to really believe it. I look at his kids now and see such hope and promise and living proof that what MJ did in his life was not in vain, not by a long shot. The world can go on in its destruction, can go on finding pleasure in bringing good people down, but in the end - I believe in the value of goodness. I believe that in my small lifetime that I'd rather try to do some good like MJ did, and add value - even if its just a little, than do nothing and contribute by default to our destructive society.
The second thing that happened was watching a performance of Heal The World. It didn't really have much of an impact until I realized the song got stuck in my head after I watched it. And I was singing it, and really listened to the lyrics again - the hope in it. "Stop existing and start living" and "We can be God's glow."
And the third thing was when Best of Joy came on shuffle. And once again I got that feeling I used to get when listening to MJ's music - getting transported into his world, as if he's singing right into my soul. Obviously the lyrics are really powerful given his passing (and I understand its definitely for his kids), but for some reason it was even more powerful - because I realized even though he's not with us on earth, love that we have as fans for him ....is a "sacred thing." He really WAS the one who was "there" through his music, when my "walls came tumbling down."
Wasn't it him that gave me hope? Wasn't it him that inspired me? Wasn't it him that 'you are free' - free to be myself despite what society said? I didn't need to KNOW him to KNOW him. He didn't need to be in the same room with me to speak to me on a personal level. And in that way, MJ really is FOREVER. And not just in the way that we always say it when we talk about his legacy. But he is really FOREVER. As long as I live, he will be in my heart and in my spirit - and he is somewhere in the heavens, singing and laughing and dancing the dream. Now I'm back into the fold, back being myself, back in the 'fantasy' world that MJ showed me can really exist.
There is a quote from one of my fav shows called "Angel" (don't laugh) that I used to always hold close, and now I'm embodying it again: "We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be." Thats what Michael did. That is what God tells us to do. And although MJ didn't get to have a particularly 'happy' ending (depending on what you believed happened), the rest of his life and what he stood for was an example of that quote carried out in a life time. MJ said once that as long as you enter the world knowing you're loved and leave the world knowing the same, everything in between can be dealt with. I believe that was true for him, and so now I believe that he did have a happy ending in a way. That makes coping much easier.
So no more tears - I'm back in the game, MJ mania has not ended for me and will never end. And if you happened to have read this entire thing I hope that MJ fans still mourning and still sad about his passing find some kind of comfort in the same things i did. He is forever.
And if you did read all of this - WOW, thank you! lol
