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I thought I was getting better, but I was wrong..

BONGANI

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When CNN confirmed it, I was literall shaking. I woke up to go to work and I was shaking for most of the day and I had a sharp pain in my chest. It felt like my heart was literaly painful. As time passed I just found escapism from listening to Mike's music non-stop and the physical discomfort stopped. I thought was getting better as I was laughing and socialzing again. Then today for some strange reason I woke up feeling sad and somewhat angry, I put on "Is it Scary" but I started crying while singing along. I realy want to get through this but how do you run from yourself. (Yes, I do consider him as part of me) I listen to alot of Acid Jazz and Neo-soul but I haven't touched those things since Michael died. Lastnite it even dawned on me, that I haven't been eating right, I've been neglecting supper and sometimes lunch for about 2 weeks. Maybe I should seek help but I can't imagine telling someone about this, I'm 22 year old African man for heavens sake, peopl will think I'm insane..
 
I think what you are going through is normal. Also the grief cycle doesn't just move through steadily, you can jump forward and back through stages of it. I think the most important thing is that you are clearly aware of what you are going through and how you are feeling - and you aren't in denial about it. It might be worth kind of forcing yourself to eat even though you don't feel like it (I really should take my own advice here - lol). Just eat half of what you would normally eat. Not eating and letting yourself get run down will make it worse. perhaps take a multivitamin. Gee, I sound like a Dr! Basically don't feel like you are wrong for feeling this way - it's normal and lots of us are going through it. When I read the topic of your post I thought "I know exactly what you mean, I feel the same way". If you do feel like it's getting too difficult then talking to a professional is worth it. A good professional will not judge you or think you are insane.
 
Bongani, I thought I was making progress as well. Then BAM!!! It hits me full in the chest, immolising me. I am supposed to be working on my thesis for my Masters and I cant focus. I honestly dont care about it anymore. I feel as though my heart and soul have broken into tiny little pieces.

But I am still trying to keep the faith. But it is hard.
 
i feel the same to.i have just come back from america yesterday,i thought this would help with my grieving ,but now i am back home i feel real bad again,i go through stages of feeling really tearfull,then i feel angry at the media and anyone who doesn,t care for michael,i used to be a person who was really aware of what people thought of me,but basically now i just don,t care,what you and i and every other dedicated michael jackson fan are going through is normal,and to hell with everyone else,
you are greiving and it is going to take alot of time,just look after yourself and know that we are all here for one another for support.
 
That's what I thought too...

It keeps jumping from extreme pain in the chest to okay and laughing to lonely to accepting and then to denial again like "what the hell...Michael's gone?" then it starts all over again.
 
Yeah, the stages of grief can do full cycles indeed. But one day this will become smaller and start to fade somehow. Until then, just hold on and keep the faith. Remember, Michael's spirit is still alive.
 
Be careful and don't overdo it, people. Take care of yourselves. I've realised today that my body is actually still in shock. I'd rather not go into detail :p but yeah we are all still feeling the aftershock. Just take one day at a time. We're Almost There. xxxxxxxxxxx
 
Wow THANX YA'L its somewhat to see that I truely am not alone. I'm sorrounded by people who knew I loved MJ but are expecting to me better by now. I know I'l raise a few eyebrows If I tell them I still feel this way.
 
BONGANI said:
Wow THANX YA'L its somewhat to see that I truely am not alone. I'm sorrounded by people who knew I loved MJ but are expecting to me better by now. I know I'l raise a few eyebrows If I tell them I still feel this way.
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Yeah, me too.

I'm just gonna keep my feelings on MJJC.
 
Just pour your heart out here on the forum.
It helps a lot....
 
BONGANI said:
Wow THANX YA'L its somewhat to see that I truely am not alone. I'm sorrounded by people who knew I loved MJ but are expecting to me better by now. I know I'l raise a few eyebrows If I tell them I still feel this way.
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I totally understand how you are feeling. My boyfriend has been very understanding - he's also a devout MJ fan! But my best friend, who I have known for over 20 years is basically looking at me like I've lost the plot. At first she was understanding sending me reassuring texts and stuff, now I get the feeling that she's bored of me being upset, she just doesn't get it. I too thought I was starting to feel a little better, but I have been sobbing really bad again, I have lost half a stone - 7 lbs since our Michael passed. I sometimes feel that the pain in my heart is too much, just unbearable. People don't understand because he was not physically in our lives every day but emotionally we connected with him and I have spent all my life, since a child looking up to Michael and loving him for all he is. \remeber though -we are the lucky ones - the people who don't get why we are still so upset obviously didn't share the same experiences that we shared with Michael. We qill never forget and Michael is in our hearts forever,
 
I understand you so much, my mother thinks I exaggerate and that it went to far, she just doesn't understand! :( Thats why I love to be here, where people understand med and it makes me happier..

The day after the "funeral" I stopped crying, I was just empty and still am..

Take care
 
I just recieved 3 messages on Facebook with people telling me I'm not letting Michael rest in peace by posting his qoutes there daily. ???
 
This is the same for me I thought I would have got used to dealing with with the loss of Loved ones and only last night I thought how next month is the fifth anniversary of my Mum passing which I've got used to but with Michael passing its bringing it ALL back to me.

The feeling really great that hes no longer in pain and is no longer held up for scrutiny by the intrusive tabloid press and then the next how I would give ANYTHING to see him back with us all.

But I try not to think that hes gone too much because to be honest that wouldnt be true because he is still with us, his Heart resides in all of us and I dont want to think of him as gone, I don't.

Oh crap here come the tears :(
 
BONGANI said:
I just recieved 3 messages on Facebook with people telling me I'm not letting Michael rest in peace by posting his qoutes there daily. ???
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I saw that..confused the f... out of me, don't know how you are disturbing his peace, oh well just forget them, sometimes i think people get jealous at people for having a genuine passion or love for something that they don't have or understand.
 
giddyup87 said:
I saw that..confused the f... out of me, don't know how you are disturbing his peace, oh well just forget them, sometimes i think people get jealous at people for having a genuine passion or love for something that they don't have or understand.
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Dude you should have backed me up,LOL!
 
Don't worry, these fleeting changes in emotions are normal.
I constantly feel like im finally getting over it, but the fact that i refuse to listen or watch him because i am so scared of crying again proves the fact that i am still not fully OK with his death.
PM me if anyone needs to talk
 
BONGANI said:
Dude you should have backed me up,LOL!
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yeah lol, didn't know how well you knew the people so didn't want to bag them.

i tell ya the delete button has been very useful in facebook recently... deleted like 5 people based on their status or stupid comments, f... them.
 
Im still hurting the same as when I first found out the news.
Mornings are the hardest for me. Hes the first thing I think about when I get up.
I feel so empty, sad, and lost. I have been dreaming about Michael every night.
Its been 16 days now, and my pain will never ease :(
 
I keep coming here searching for threads that mirror how I"m feeling. Bingo. :)

Michael is resting in peace regardless of what we type or think. Actually, Michael is probably Rocking the house in Heaven. :punk: I've had this picture in my mind of MJ and Jesus comparing dance moves. lol Seriously.

So, there are stages of grief just like everyone else has mentioned.

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Source: http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end term/stages.htm

Hang in there. What you're going through is normal. Most of us are in the same place. We're with you.
 
Im still switching back and forth between all those stages.
It's bloody frustrating and i hate it. Sometimes i get really deluded as well. It's just such a hard time for all of us.
PS: watching rage ( music clips show ) is it just me or is Paula Abdul a poor mans version of Janet Jackson?
 
DanceOfZenab1994 said:
I know. It's like a just don't give a damn about anything else.
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Ditto. Thanks for voicing this and thanks to the original poster who had the guts to say it.

I too have lost interest in just about everything. Well, everything except for Michael. I just spent loads of money on DVD's CD's that were lost, a poster a tshirt and a mug. They were going to be sold at 02. *sigh* So sad.

So really all I'm doing is surrounding myself with everything Michael because its the only thing that feels right - it's the only thing that fits. I have to show up for my job, that's about the only thing I'm forcing. I'm grieving. So this is "normal" for me and you have to do what's normal for you.

Don't listen to anyone or anything that tells you to "get over it". My Mother died 3 years ago and I'm not over it. It takes time. We'll get through this.

However, several times a day I keep trying to rewind and make deals with God and have a thread of hope that this is hype and he's hiding out somewhere to get away from the media. Yeah, I'm psycho and grasping at any glimmer of possiblity. I phase in and out of schizophrenia celebrating his life and then crashing in mourning and tears, depression - then back up again.

From my entire heart thank you all for being here. Thank you for loving Michael. I "feel" him when I'm here - more strongly than usual.
 
Healer2 said:
This is the same for me I thought I would have got used to dealing with with the loss of Loved ones and only last night I thought how next month is the fifth anniversary of my Mum passing which I've got used to but with Michael passing its bringing it ALL back to me.


thats how i feel...................its brought it all back when i lost my dad 2 and a half years ago

also for me like someone else was saying mornings are the worst when you wake up and think naw it can't have happened and last thing on a night is tough too....................actually so is most of the time inbetwen

i feel glad to be on here with people who care and understand:better:
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OH, do i know how you feel. I only cried the 1st day when CNN confirmed it. I didn't know what to do, where to go. I was numb. I came on here and just posted what CNN just said on twitter and face book. I couldn't feel anything, I just typed like a sane person. After I read what I wrote, I cried, my heart hurt so much. I've never experienced anything like this before.

Then for the weeks to come, i listened to Michael, and i was happy to hear his voice. Its like he wasn't gone like he was there next to me. I thought it was weired that I got over it soo fast after his death. But on Tuesday's Memorial, I litrally run out of class and caught the fastest bus to home so i wont miss anything. I was appriciating all the fans that came out, but then I saw a casket covered with Red flowers and something hit me soo very heard on my chest. And uncontrollable tears came out, and i couldnt stop til the next day. I had to put a hat and put a very dark eyeliner so that no one would notice that my eyes were puffy. It was an excruciating pain that i had. An I still cry when I see Youtube tribute videos and Michael and his children unseen footages. It just pains my heart.

So yes, I know how you feel. How its being unbarable, and I cant stop thinking abouthim, I had a Chemstry test and I really didnt care what I got because that wasnt important to me anymore. I liked Chmestry but I got a 60, not a grade I'm proud of but it showes that It affects all of us in some way or another. No matter if we are a male or female.

I hope when you feel this way, you come on this board and let it out. We'll be here to support you and each other.

Like Bob Marely said "Dont worry, about a thing, cuz every little thing, is gonna be alright"...

Love,
Romi
 
BONGANI said:
I just recieved 3 messages on Facebook with people telling me I'm not letting Michael rest in peace by posting his qoutes there daily. ???
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WTF? Yeah it must be hard for non-fans to understand - our grief is very REAL and we are still going through it!!!

I've had to delete some non-fans off my facebook cos they were getting on my nerves. I said I needed my space. At the moment I can only really connect with fans.
 
I just received 3 messages on Face book with people telling me I'm not letting Michael rest in peace by posting his quotes there daily. ???
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Well thats just stupid. I do that all the time. Don't listen to them. If they don't like it, then its their problem. I have a "Michael Jackson, RIP, You'll Forever be remembered" Sign on my door outside. and some family members told me that it wasn't necessary, that wont make me do anything they want me to do. Who cares if they don't like it. I'm doing it from my heart so they can go to... *Neverland*.
 
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LOL @ the Paula Abdul being the poor man's version of Janet!! Needed that.

Today is a rough one. I have been crying all day. I read the open letter than Ms Pryor wrote to the Arvizos and I was gone. Just gone. When I think of what that man went through ...

I have to try to explain to people that I am not mourning the icon/music legend. In a way I will always have his music, his performances. What I am truly mourning is the loss of the man, the human being. The wonderfully flawed, beautiful, generous, sweet human being.

Sorry crying again...
 
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