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How do you change after all of this?

blanket05

blanket05

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I just want to know what change of you after all of these horrible nightmare, after this big loss
It's nearly 3 months after he's gone and 1 month after his birthday. And I extremely sure that not all of you has got already better. I'm still a student so I have many plans in future. Though it's damn hard for me to refresh but I gotta do, I do

well, I used to be a jolly and optimistic girl, a strong girl also... But after all of this, everything's just negatively go down. I become weaker in both mind and body. I've lost my weight and whenever I wanted to do sth I became really spiritless :(

These day, I often tell to myself "be strong! be strong!". But I can not deny the fact that I'm obviously weaker! OMG! I even don't think that this would happen to me... :no:

How about you guys? what change of you or your friends and even your family...? :(
 
dear Blankt05...why do you feel like this? what thoughts have you got n your mind that makes you feel weaker? maybe we can help you in some way^^
 
I wish I knew what to tell you. I think that you have to let yourself feel the pain and know that in time you will heal and things will get better. Just push through it and know that it's okay to grieve. Don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong for being upset over everything that's happened. Hugs to you hun...
 
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I feel like I lost my comfort.. It may sound strange but I always felt Michael protected me. I know he still is with us but in a different way. I have been very unmotivated. This semester I am going to school for history but I have not been able to concentrate at all. Work is terrible for me as well. :no: I am so much weaker and sadder now. I have to force myself to do things as well. Like even getting up in the morning is a struggle. Its so painful
 
DirtyDiana1989 said:
dear Blankt05...why do you feel like this? what thoughts have you got n your mind that makes you feel weaker? maybe we can help you in some way^^
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Thank you so much dear! But I think I gotta be better by myself :(
I create this thread just wanna know how your life has changed without him T_T
 
Ever since Michael had died I still sometimes had wish that I had committed suicide. But that is something I could never do. Because it would hurt Michael and I love him way too much to want to hurt him. But the one thing that has totally change for me. Is that I had lost any will to really be happy again. When Michael was alive. I always had a reason to be happy. Because I always knew Michael was somewhere in the world doing something. It is not like that for me now. How can I ever be really happy again knowing where Michael is now. For over 25 years I have remain a Michael Jackson fan. But he has been a huge part of my life ever since the late 80s. That was when I had found out that Michael is like me and has a skin disorder. That has been the only real major connection that I have to Michael. Because he knew what it is like to have a skin disorder. And how other people can be to you because of it. Now I forever lost that connection and my comfort. I never thought my last year to be in my 20s will also be the year that I will forever lose my sweet beloved Michael. Which is what I find so strange is that my age which is 29 is connected to that thing that Michael had with the number 7. Because 2-9 is 7 that is something I have been noticing lately. And another thing I also have been noticing lately is that I have been wanting to watch alot of programs about death lately. And it just makes me wish that I was there cause that is where Michael is now. I just feel so totally lost and empty without Michael in my life now. I tell you living in a world without Michael in it is nothing but hell on earth.
 
I have been sad alot, and still havent gotten over it.

On a more positive note though I actually have been inspired to help people more, because I think it would make mj happy, he always wanted to inspire people too "heal the world"
 
i agree with pretty much everything everyone else said, but i am disgusted with the unfairness and injustice in the world and i have even less motivation than before to try to socialize with people. i'm just so lost and i'll never get over this.
 
I just don't see the point anymore. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I have alway been a happy optimistic person, trying to find a positive side in everything. And even when something awful happened I always believed that eventually it would be for the better. But now I just feel this void. Of course, I continue to live my life, I go to work, I meet with my friends, I laugh at jokes... But it all seems so pointless...

But I am not afraid of dying anymore. I am not suicidal. But I know when my time comes I won't be afraid. Because Michael will be there.
 
Pain and Grief is part of life. And like everything else in life, if you haven't experienced it, you have never lived.

Its like your grandparents and parents, you love them but you know that one day you will have say goodbye to them for the last time.

Its all part of life!
 
MJstarlight said:
I feel like I lost my comfort.. It may sound strange but I always felt Michael protected me. I know he still is with us but in a different way. I have been very unmotivated.
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Agree with you 100%. It's like i lost a huge part of myself. From little kid to mid 20s, whenever something happened in my life, Michael was there in my ears. I turned to him and just knew he would understand me. So many people come and go from our lives, but Michael was the constant in mine.

I don't know if people feel this way, but Michael was always my *at least.* If my favorite sports team lost, *at least* Michael was there with his undying innocence, love, and magic to make me happy. If I had a fight with my family or best friend, *at least* Michael would understand me or make me feel better with his songs. If school sucked, *at least* I had Michael to relax me. If Bush was re-elected, *at least* Michael remained as my hope for a better world. I could go on, but basically no matter how bad things seemed, I *at least* had him.

Now, I just don't know anymore. It's like I have no hope to truly feel happy again. I feel forever changed inside.

The only thing that has changed is i'm finally able to be distracted to the point I can be sort-of normal with people, but I feel like a shell of my former self. I used to always be optimistic and have always been glass-half-full. But where are the positives in this? I don't see any.

I think the only thing that's helped me and makes me happy is the two golden retriever puppies my family just got. We named them after Michael songs. The boy is Dreamer (found on the album 'Jacksons') and the girl is Cinderella (named after 'Cinderella Stay Awhile' on the 'Forever, Michael' album).
 
Well, for me, before I actually wanted to go ahead with my education and become a social worker to help children. I at least had that connection to Michael and I was so excited and motivated in spring when i decided my major. After his passing, in all honesty, I really didnt care if i lived or was not living. Michael was my heart and apart of me. Nobody bothers me about MIchael anymore, ppl. who used to talk SH!T about him are now Mute...and it Pisses me off when they pretend to be sad just in the out side so that they wont show their tru colors infront of me. I've lost my half...Michael to me was like a father, a best friend, a partner a counsler, a healer in ONE Package. He was everyting that I've ever wish for in a person...

I've said this b4, that I was taking chem. and speech classes at the time of his passing and I love Chemistry, but at the end of the summer, I saw my grade and saw that it was a C average for Chem. AND I've never gotten a C or a B in Chem. And to tell y'all the truth, I didnt care. I didnt care if i passed or failed. Now, I have a little bit motivation and i'm trying to do right by God, my family and Michael, and move on with my life and help the children like Michael would've wanted. God help us with this saddness we are feeling...Let us Rejoyce his life...

I think about all those who commited suicide. Mike wouldnt have wanted that. EVER! but at the same time, i understand the pain. Even after all these months, I cry...I've never felt like this b4. Ever! Michael was, is and will always be in our hearts and lives. FORever.
 
I feel like you all do too. I've been a fan of Michael's since I was a child, and when things in my life were bad, when it seemed like nothing was going right, when I was so sick I felt like I was dying, I had Michael. I put in his videos, listened to his music, and it helped me so much. When something bad happened to me, I thought about Michael and all he'd been through and I knew I could get through it. I felt so much love for him and from him, and as he said our love sustained him, his did that for me.
What do you do when what used to comfort you now makes you sad and depressed? What do you do when no one in your life understands and says you should just get over it? They talk like he was just a singer, but he wasn't. Just read what people have said about him over the years, and you'd see that. He was so much more. I still feel partly in shock like it couldn't be real, he can't be really gone. It's like I've accepted it to a certain extent but not completely. I still cry about it. I can't believe he was taken from us and so cruelly. I don't know how his children are handling it because I know how hard it is just for me. :(
I know his music lives on, and so does he in our memories, and he wouldn't want us to be so sad. I KNOW he wouldn't. But I can't help it.
 
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never second guess yourself. always say what u have on ur mind, never let an argument go on after you've left the person's presence...the worst thing would be the final words u spoke to someone be words of hate

andnever take anything for granted. that's how u change.
 
I used to be MUCH MUCH happier.

I was extremely weak but now I work much harder and I set myself higher standards because when things get tough - I need a focus. And also, I believe Michael is watching over us so I'm doing everything I can to make him proud.

July was the worst time ever. I grieved day and night and I kept crying and crying. I was in pain, loneliness and despair and faced a HUGE spiritual and religious crisis. I'm also not scared of death anymore...I want to see my beautiful Michael over there.

I still am grieving for Michael as I always will. However, I trust myself more now. I trust myself not to sink.
 
things are hard for me because i feel so alone. i can't talk about him because people are fed up with listen to me now, you know when some one has been on holiday and constantly talks about it and you get fed up of listening, thats how it is with me, no one wants to hear anymore, i can see their faces going blank when i mention Michaels name so i don't speak about him any more. only on here.
but i have my thoughts and dreams and nobody can stop them.
 
im not over it,ive accepted the fact hes gone finally,but im not over it @ all. i still cry from time to time. but i just deal with it
 
Wow. How sad these posts are. Well, it's only been a few months and you are all still grieving for someone you cared about very much.

Since this happened I have had regrets. I deeply regret not fully appreciating this beautiful human being while he was still with us. I was always a casual fan since the Jackson 5 days. He was always "there" somehow (throughout my 45 years). But I never really stopped very long to appreciate it all. Now I am. I realize what a tremendous loss this is.
 
I keep telling myself, "carry on, be the best you can be, it's what Michael would have wanted," but saying it and doing it are two different things. I feel like I'm going through the motions of life, forcing myself to go through my daily activities, with a heavy burden weighing me down.
 
Michael was my loving and warming comfort blanket and now he's gone I'll forever remain cold :(
 
claire64 said:
things are hard for me because i feel so alone. i can't talk about him because people are fed up with listen to me now, you know when some one has been on holiday and constantly talks about it and you get fed up of listening, thats how it is with me, no one wants to hear anymore, i can see their faces going blank when i mention Michaels name so i don't speak about him any more. only on here.
but i have my thoughts and dreams and nobody can stop them.
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same for me too, in my mind and in my dreams he always has a special place and nobody cant take that away from me!
after his passing i changed alot, i cannot concentrate anymore , i almost droped out from school bc i lost the interest in my studies, i lost the interest to care, now i just see the days passing by and whish for something to happen, something good, i try to be kind i always wanted to change this world somehow, to be a better place for everybody-thats why i started learning medicine-but now everything changed, i dont know how to continue anymore!
I cant sleep at nights, and constantly cry, why is that most of the people realize how much someone ment to them just after that someone dies- i love him so much, for me, hes here i can feel his presence in everything beautiful i see, we just have to look around, he is everywhere,where LOVE is!:cry::cry::cry:
 
I still feel so terrible about the whole thing. I am still so overwhelmed by the whole thing. I'm trying to deny what has happened. I'm pretending he's still alive, which is such a stupid thing to do, but I just cant stop crying once reality hits me. I haven't accepted it yet, I'm still not over it and probably never will be.

The hard thing is, that none of my friends understand that I'm really having a hard time with it. As soon as I start talking about him, they start to roll their eyes..

The funny thing is that I now realize how much my life revolves about him. I mean, I always knew I cared A LOT. But it just seems that all of my future plans had something to do with him. I am now a senior at high school, I was planning to book myself a ticket to whereever he went after graduation. Really wanted to take a year off and just follow him around, like some of the other fans used to do. Wanted to go back to my town in LA and do some community work overthere, I still feel like doing those things..but it's just weird with him not being around. Not that he would ever know, but still..

On the other hand, his death (I hate to say the word) made me really think about MY life. The thing that saddens me most about his death, next to his children growing up without their daddy, was that he wasn't treated fairly by people. It made me think about myself and how I treat people and it made me realize that I wasnt always nice. As a matter of fact, I could be really mean and I really regret some of the things I have said to or about people and it showed me that was I was doing was wrong.
I am now trying to think before I speak my mind. I am not afraid to speak my opinion, but I now keep in mind that I must me carefull with the words I use. I don't want people to hurt because of me, just like I didn't want Michael to be hurt by people who said bad things about him. It just made me think more about my own life and made me appreciate the small things more, because before you know it..they might be gone.

I try to keep in mind that I was there whenever he needed me and that I loved him and cared about him as much as I could and that I will never stop doing that. That I was his friend in his troubled times and that I NEVER abandoned him when he needed me the most. That's the thought that makes me feel a little bit better about the whole situation and it's the thought I cling onto.
 
Soso Deaf said:
never second guess yourself. always say what u have on ur mind, never let an argument go on after you've left the person's presence...the worst thing would be the final words u spoke to someone be words of hate

andnever take anything for granted. that's how u change.
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Thankyou hun. That was really nice...it got me thinking a bit...:)

Love,
Romi
 
I learned that the love michael was talking about all the time is very important, now I see people in a different light I lost so called "friends" because they proved how selfish they were, I see people differently and I'm drawn to a different kind of people now
and I'll never get over Michael's death, I have to avoid seeing certain things that remind me of him because I cry so bad just like the day he died. I hate it when people say in a few months I'll get over it, No I'll never get over it and you can't tell me how I feel
 
It made me even more confused about life and scared about dying.
 
Posts here are so ... :cry:

I simply just can't stop thinking about him, it is very difficult for me right now to work or do anything productive that is unrelated to Michael. People tend to have enough of me too, though I talk only to very close to me and few individuals about him. I have my sister, she is taking that even harder than me, so I am not isolated. Plus I have my wonderful Appleheads... :love:, maybe it's weird but that strong tie within virtual community, it really helped me.

I feel like such a mess when I think of his death. I still haven't quite... understood this, and I try to push away that thought many, many times. When it comes back, it's just so hard. I made conscious effort to draw something for myself... some form of comfort, belief, strenght, path, and I put a few puzzles together, but it's still a long way to go, and I rarely manage to put my thoughts on the track of 'make that change'...

I think about him almost all the time, like he is just present within me, within my personality, my feelings, my thoughts... like 'another part of me' (attempt at a sad joke)... I don't know what kind of person I am going to be within next few months, I feel like I'm in the middle of this whole... experience... and it's changing me but yet I don't know how.

:heart: to all of you
 
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michaelsson said:
im not over it,ive accepted the fact hes gone finally,but im not over it @ all. i still cry from time to time. but i just deal with it
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omg im still a mess. won't see the movie. my calendar was on june till last wk. it fell so i finally put it on october...ugh

i miss my shiitty
 
suzynyc said:
Wow. How sad these posts are. Well, it's only been a few months and you are all still grieving for someone you cared about very much.

Since this happened I have had regrets. I deeply regret not fully appreciating this beautiful human being while he was still with us. I was always a casual fan since the Jackson 5 days. He was always "there" somehow (throughout my 45 years). But I never really stopped very long to appreciate it all. Now I am. I realize what a tremendous loss this is.
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I could've written this. :sad: I was busy living life and raising kids, so I didn't have the time to appreciate him like many here did. When he died I got a chance to learn so much more about him. I started listening to his music again, watching his music videos, reading his lyrics, pouring over interviews with and about him, and reading up on the trial. The world lost a truly unique and special human being when Michael died.

Gotta confess, I don't like the title "King of Pop" for Michael. Not because he doesn't deserve it, but because it doesn't even begin to touch on what a truly wonderful person he was. It just scratches the surface.
 
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